The Monster In The Well by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - There's a monster in the well. Don't believe me? Take a peek...

Content warning 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Theme wise - not for me. I could see why others would like it.

Quoted Text Parked in the small lot is a nice sedan

Reads better as a Sedan is parked….

Quoted Text DOUG Hello? (beat) Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now. (beat) Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the hobby store and look around a bit. See if they got anything neat in. (beat) Alright. I won't be too long. (beat) Yep. Love you too. Bye, Honey.

Parentheticals should be on their own line.

Maybe:

DOUG
Hello?
(listening)
Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now.

You don’t need this:

Quoted Text DOUG (sotto) That's not Cherry.

I didn’t understand why Cherry’s corpse would be decayed by now – it just happened.

Quoted Text CHERRY (dialog) Now there really a monster in the is well.

What’s with the parenthetical?

Thanks for the read, Dave. I know this isn't for everyone.

"I didn�t understand why Cherry�s corpse would be decayed by now � it just happened."

SPOILERS!

She is decayed because she has been dead for a very long time. The Cherry that Doug picked up at the park is a ghost.

"What�s with the parenthetical?"

Dumb typo. I'll fix it.

Thanks for giving this one a go.

My pleasure

Zack, I remember this one from before, right?

Did Doug go in the well last time?
Regardless, this version reads more horrifically complete as he gets his just desserts.

I only have one minor quibble re Cherry's description. I pondered over what colour hair 'pale brunette' is.
Then realised she's pale, brunette.

Very dark, very gruesome.
Very well done. Ick.

Long time since I read one of your scripts, Zack. This one was quite a nice and dark read.

Although I guessed right for what was gonna happen to Doug as I read Cherry's description. That she's a pale brunette. I thought she might be dead and "well" she was. But, just one question: Did Doug killed all those children in the well? I think the answer will be yes but regardless it is always better to confirm.

Regardless, good luck.

The log line really pulls a reader in.

Nice. Very nice. Very visual writing.

Hey, guys. Sorry for my late response.

"Zack, I remember this one from before, right?"

Hey, Libby. Hope you've been well. Yes, this is based off a short I wrote about 7 years back.

"Very dark, very gruesome.
Very well done. Ick."

Very happy to hear that you enjoyed my sick little tale. Lol. Thank you very much for reading.


"Long time since I read one of your scripts, Zack. This one was quite a nice and dark read."

What's up, Yuvraj? Thanks for the high praise.

"Did Doug killed all those children in the well?"

Yes, Doug killed all the kids in the well.

"Nice. Very nice. Very visual writing."

Thanks for the read and the kind words, BarryJohn. Much appreciated.

Ooh, glad you checked in, Zack!

I was left wondering about this:

DOUG
Hello?
(beat)
Hey, Honey. Yeah, I'm just leaving the office now.
(beat)
Yeah. I'm gonna stop by the hobby store and look around a bit.
See if they got anything neat in.
(beat)
Alright. I won't be too long.
(beat)
Yep. Love you too. Bye, Honey.

Is this to imply he has a wife and kid of his own?

P.S. Would do very nicely as a Short-short in the Horror anthology but I guess you have another for that?

I definitely meant to imply that he has a wife, but not necessarily a kid.

And yes, I've got something else in store for the horror anthology. Can't wait to share it with everyone. Thanks again for reading, Libby.

Ah, see the 'hobby' thing got me.

Thought he might be buying something for his own kid at the hobby/toy shop which imh would add a whole other layer of eww, and what a monster he is.

Anyway, that's by the by.
Will be on the look out for your Ep.

Quoted from LC Ah, see the 'hobby' thing got me. Thought he might be buying something for his own kid at the hobby/toy shop which imh would add a whole other layer of eww, and what a monster he is.

Hm. Hadn't considered that. Not a bad idea.

Zack got some dark themes up his sleeves. Moral-wise this is unfortunate and terrifying but story-wise it is pretty amazing to read. Real creep here.

Good luck.

Thanks for the front page review, Michael! Very happy you enjoyed it so much.

No problem, bro! Nice work!

-- Michael

Revised draft up. Fixed a typo and cleaned up a formating issue. Thanks for uploading, Don.

This one is getting filmed this upcoming weekend. I'll share more info soon.

Very exciting, Zack!

Btw, your new avatar is doing my head in. That pose is reminding me of something filmic.

Leonard in Memento, but with more of a horror twist.  

More like one James Gumb.

Quoted from SAC More like one James Gumb.

That's it, SC!  

Quoted from Zack This one is getting filmed this upcoming weekend. I'll share more info soon.

Very cool

Thanks, everyone. Happy to hear my new avatar is making waves as well. Lol. This is filming tomorrow. Updates coming soon.

Quoted from Zack This one is getting filmed this upcoming weekend. I'll share more info soon.

Congrats on another one in the bag.

Thanks, Warren.

Talked to the filmmakers earlier today. Besides a casting issue, everything apparently went very smooth. Shouldn't be too long before I've got something to share with everyone.

Can't believe someone actually filmed this one. It's not perfect, but I think the filmmakers did a pretty good job.

Um, that was fun. Yeah, it was pretty good. I remember reading this too. I thought it was a nice  concept, but predictable. It seems like the filmmaker put an insane emphasis on "scary" sounds, which does help with the overall experience.  Congrats Zack. A

Thanks for watching, Ghostie. Happy you were able to enjoy it.

Wells always creeped me out... congrats on getting it produced!!

Quoted from dena Wells always creeped me out... congrats on getting it produced!!

Thanks, Dena. I wrote this script years ago. Had all but given up hope that it'd ever get filmed. Understandable, considering the subject matter.

I'm happy to see someone out there liked the script enough to film it themselves. They gave it their best shot.

I liked it. The sound design stood out. Lots of creepy effects. Plenty of mistakes but forgivable for a no-budget indie short. Congrats on getting it made.

James.  

Congrats, Zack!
Nicely done, loved the casting and very creepy.

Thank you, James and Libby. Happy you both enjoyed it, despite its shortcomings.

The film wasn't perfect and went on a couple minutes too long. But it was a decent enough effort. The actors seemed to have at least some kind of chemistry.

Thanks for watching, Chris.

I don't understand the motivation for the MAN pushing the GIRL into the well. Given the different ethnicities, I didn't take him to be the father. He was cajoling, which seemed out of character for a child murderer who already had his victim in his clutches. He could have picked her up and threw her in without much trouble.

After the deed, he sits, laughing in relief, which made me suspect that he was feeding the monster in the well. But then, he was surprised when the voice came from the well - which he wouldn't be if he knew it was there. He was then very easily convinced by the voice to throw himself in.

Only one corpse in the well, that didn't look like the little girl's because it was too badly decomposed. Couldn't they have applied some make-up and had the little girl play dead instead? That is if the corpse is meant to be the little girl?

By what mechanism did the little girl possess the monster in the well? If that is what happened. Cause and effect. Here there is only effect.

Thanks for watching the short, Storey.

Sorry it didn't click with you. In defense of the filmmakers, they had no money and quite a few setbacks(actors and crew backing out at the last minute), which dramatically altered the final product. Still, I'm very happy they figured out a way to push forward and get it done.

I'd be curious if you felt the same way about the actual script, which I believe addresses most of your criticisms. At the very least, you'll have a much better idea of what's going on and, a better understanding of the character motivations.

Either way, thank you for your time.

Yeah, well they did a good job of slaughtering that. The script is far better. They should have included the playground scene. And they missed a trick with the masturbation scene. This is what happens with zero budget.