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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Does Love Look Pretty On Me?
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Don
Posted: September 28th, 2020, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Does Love Look Pretty On Me? by Macca Orron - Short, Horror, Comedy, Romance - In the wrong hands your past is a weapon however what you should have done is kept all personals on your person to keep yourself squeaky clean.  - pdf format

New writer interested in feedback on this work, please be nice


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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: September 28th, 2020, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy Macca,

Welcome to the board! Glad to have you. On to your short script...

As for story, aside from what could be a unique premise of revenge (I think), it certainly tickled my curiosity, maybe I'm misreading it, but honestly, I didn't get it. You may be new to screenwriting, but it’s far too bulky. Right now this script would sink to the bottom of the Pacific, when it should float effortlessly on the surface. Strip back the unnecessary description.

For instance, you opening sequence is dense (too much detail). It’ll flow better with shorter sentences and paragraphs - rough rule of thumb, if a paragraph is over 4 lines, look at it again and get out your trimming scissors, there's always something that can go.

Um, I had a history teacher in high school who summed the writing process up pretty well:
"Writing is like a girl's skirt. It should be long enough to cover the details, but short enough to still be interesting.

Format-wise,  it looks off.  Make sure you know the parameters if you're not using screenwriting software. Also, try and stay in the present tense. There's a lot of passive writing, most notably "Belladonna walked forward... Belladonna dropped the phone on the floor then walked over to the body again... she gave the forehead a kiss then undid the..."

How about saying...

Belladonna moves forward... strides...or walks... or saunters or somethin'.

Belladonna drops the cell, considers the dead man’s stunned expression, kisses his forehead.

At any rate, capitalize character introductions. For future reference, here's a great post on introducing characters; .http://johnaugust.com/archives/2007/how-to-introduce-character.

Other than that, read read read more scripts. Good ones.. bad ones... old ones... new ones... all scripts. Again, welcome to the board.-A



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Yuvraj
Posted: September 28th, 2020, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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On point as the Ghostie said. Plus I didn't get the story. So I don't qualify to comment further.

And yes, welcome to the board. Hope to see you active on the board.

Regardless, good luck.


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eldave1
Posted: September 30th, 2020, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Macca - first - killer title. Loved it.

The writing is not up to standard.

1. THere are a ton of misspellings and grammar errors. I since that English may be your second language. Avail yourself of some tools that might help (Grammarly is good).

2. Break up your action blocks - they are way too long. Try to limit them to two or three lines - whitespace is your friend.

3. Your formatting is off - blank lines between character and dialogue for example.

Read a bunch of scripts and get a feel for the proper format. You'll get there.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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