|
Author |
Shuteye - May (currently 1732 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:08pm |
|
|
AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Shuteye by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Nubbins Sawyer - Short, Horror - A disturbance in the apartment above keeps downstairs neighbors from getting a good night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is the least of the worries as the disturbance works its way down, one apartment at a time. 4 pages - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
|
|
Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - June 18th, 2021, 7:08am | revised draft | | |
|
|
|
|
Gum |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:13pm |
|
|
Been Around
LocationSome travelling Circus... Posts832 Posts Per Day 0.42 |
Okay, yeah. This is pretty good. Would really be nasty if it was a high-rise apartment block and each night this… ‘thing’ just starts at a penthouse unit and works its way down. Gnarly twisted theme, best of luck. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 1 - 36 |
|
|
mmmarnie |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Tom's bed must be pretty high off the ground if he can reach the ceiling...since, due to his Napoleon complex, I assumed he's short.
I thought you were gonna end this with blood dripping on her face. Still...I like this idea and super creepy twist with something deadly making it's way downstairs!! Really love that twist!
Nice job writer! |
| boop |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 2 - 36 |
|
|
Zack |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
What's up, Nubbins? Great work here. Love the implication that the murderer is simply moving from floor to floor. Impressive writing. This one will likely end up one of my favorites. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 3 - 36 |
|
|
eldave1 |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:22pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
|
|
|
Reply: 4 - 36 |
|
|
Warren |
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:29pm |
|
|
Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi writer,
Decent little script you've got here. Well written and an easy read.
Not much else to add.
All the best. |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 5 - 36 |
|
|
Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:11am |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
I like it - someone/something working its way down an apartment block.
What didn't fit for me was he knocked on the door at the end, better to have had one of them leave to go knock on the door upstairs to keep the loop going - could just be me though
All the best |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 6 - 36 |
|
|
Yuvraj |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:34am |
|
|
Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts779 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
Amazing twist here! Liked the idea of a literal 'terror descending'. Great work! |
| |
|
Revision History (1 edits) |
Yuvraj - May 12th, 2021, 10:40am | | |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 7 - 36 |
|
|
JEStaats |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:39am |
|
|
Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Oh, yeah. This was great. Low budget and could be filmed all in the same room. So much in two pages - great work writer. |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 8 - 36 |
|
|
bert |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:47am |
|
|
AdministratorBuy the ticket, take the ride
LocationThat's me in the corner Posts4232 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Good one, no comments. Hits all the beats and sticks the landing.
Not my favorite that I've read, but at the same time, I cannot think of anything this script is missing.
Should be at least a contender this round. |
| Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb! |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 9 - 36 |
|
|
Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:56am |
|
|
January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Good job. I like the simplicity of this one, yet the horror is very effective. And the idea of a killer going to each neighbor who complains works really well. And a noisy neighbor is something most people have had to deal with, so it's very relatable. Good work! |
|
|
|
Reply: 10 - 36 |
|
|
Geezis |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:05pm |
|
|
January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.27 |
Nicely written, not sure of there is a twist in there, but I liked the premise a lot. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
|
|
|
Reply: 11 - 36 |
|
|
AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:54pm |
|
|
January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
He can reach the ceiling from his bed?
And she keeps a broom in her bedroom?
Tidy these up and it'll work even better. |
| |
|
|
|
Reply: 12 - 36 |
|
|
ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:36pm |
|
|
Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Yep, your logline reeled me in... To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good." there's really nothing wrong with this one. Best of Irish luck! |
| |
|
Logged |
|
|
|
Reply: 13 - 36 |
|
|
Rob |
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:50pm |
|
|
Posts218 Posts Per Day 0.11 |
I like the chain of events concept. The complainer becomes the victim.
The knock at the door, however, breaks the pattern that has been established. The first guy went upstairs and knocked at the door where the noise is happening. Then he is attacked in his own apartment. The final couple, however, gets a knock at their door. Does the killer knock on your door or sneak inside your room?
Am I reading this wrong? So be it. A little lukewarm on this one. |
|
|
|
Reply: 14 - 36 |
|
|