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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Shuteye - May
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  Author    Shuteye - May  (currently 1732 views)
Don
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shuteye by Michael J Kospiah (spesh2k) writing as Nubbins Sawyer - Short, Horror - A disturbance in the apartment above keeps downstairs neighbors from getting a good night's sleep. But sleep deprivation is the least of the worries as the disturbance works its way down, one apartment at a time. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 18th, 2021, 7:08am
revised draft
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Gum
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
Been Around



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Okay, yeah. This is pretty good. Would really be nasty if it was a high-rise apartment block and each night this… ‘thing’ just starts at a penthouse unit and works its way down. Gnarly twisted theme, best of luck.
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mmmarnie
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Tom's bed must be pretty high off the ground if he can reach the ceiling...since, due to his Napoleon complex, I assumed he's short.

I thought you were gonna end this with blood dripping on her face. Still...I like this idea and super creepy twist with something deadly making it's way downstairs!! Really love that twist!

Nice job writer!


boop
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Zack
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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What's up, Nubbins? Great work here. Love the implication that the murderer is simply moving from floor to floor. Impressive writing. This one will likely end up one of my favorites.
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eldave1
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 8:22pm Report to Moderator
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Well done


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: May 11th, 2021, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Decent little script you've got here. Well written and an easy read.

Not much else to add.

All the best.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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I like it - someone/something working its way down an apartment block.

What didn't fit for me was he knocked on the door at the end, better to have had one of them leave to go knock on the door upstairs to keep the loop going - could just be me though

All the best


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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Yuvraj
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Amazing twist here! Liked the idea of a literal 'terror descending'. Great work!



Revision History (1 edits)
Yuvraj  -  May 12th, 2021, 10:40am
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JEStaats
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Oh, yeah. This was great. Low budget and could be filmed all in the same room. So much in two pages - great work writer.
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bert
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Buy the ticket, take the ride

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Good one, no comments.  Hits all the beats and sticks the landing.

Not my favorite that I've read, but at the same time, I cannot think of anything this script is missing.

Should be at least a contender this round.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Cacutshaw
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 11:56am Report to Moderator
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Good job. I like the simplicity of this one, yet the horror is very effective. And the idea of a killer going to each neighbor who complains works really well. And a noisy neighbor is something most people have had to deal with, so it's very relatable. Good work!
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Geezis
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, not sure of there is a twist in there, but I liked the premise a lot.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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He can reach the ceiling from his bed?

And she keeps a broom in her bedroom?

Tidy these up and it'll work even better.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, your logline reeled me in...

To quote Larry David, "pretty good, prettay, prettay, pretty good." there's really nothing wrong with this one. Best of Irish luck!


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Rob
Posted: May 12th, 2021, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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I like the chain of events concept. The complainer becomes the victim.

The knock at the door, however, breaks the pattern that has been established. The first guy went upstairs and knocked at the door where the noise is happening. Then he is attacked in his own apartment. The final couple, however, gets a knock at their door. Does the killer knock on your door or sneak inside your room?

Am I reading this wrong? So be it. A little lukewarm on this one.
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