Writer,

This was well done, and  good use of the insert! Doing graphics for film, I always hate the insert on computer screens cause it makes my job so much harder lol but this I think would be fun to do, and with your description of the screens you'd make my job easier.

A really awesome concept, like if Fight Club got on the net as a revenge service. You handled the narrative well. He was very quick to go for blood with Cathy at the end though, a little unbelievable for me. He's upset but is he really a cold blooded psychopath? He could be. I would expand on this, I think you have something great with the concept.


Nice work!

This is a solid script. I like that Jeff is offered a mask at the end and takes it. I also like the funny little detail of Jeff pulling the plug on his computer to escape the situation. I am trying to figure out if Ryan knew about the infidelity when he typed Ryan's name. I assume he says Cathy at the end because she is next.

On the first page, you have 7 consecutive lines of prose that begin with the word "He". It's very repetitive and hard on the eyes. Mix it up a bit.

Solid concept, but this needs a good rewrite.

Good effort.

The audience can't see the sluglines, so you'll need some on-screen way to show the time to make the sequence clear to viewers. There are also some formatting glitches like a BACK TO SCENE referring to an INSERT in a previous scene. Looks like it was

In the forest
> INSERT on Man #1's phone
>> Flashback to kitchen
> Looking at Man #1's phone again
Back to the forest

That would make it a flashback inside an insert, which might look very interesting, but that's not how it's formatted.

Nice to see an on-screen phone conversation end with both parties actually saying "bye"

I have to wonder why he picked Ryan if he didn't already know.

That's a hell of an initiation ritual.

Very good effort!

Thank you guys for reading and commenting.

Didn't really change much. Just a little a formatting issue so submitted an updated version.

Quoted from Zack On the first page, you have 7 consecutive lines of prose that begin with the word "He". It's very repetitive and hard on the eyes. Mix it up a bit.

This issue hasn't been addressed.

Quoted from Zack This issue hasn't been addressed.

I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively.

Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.

Quoted from Yuvraj I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively. Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.

No problem. Good luck.

Quoted from Yuvraj I see no valid reason to address that. Jeff is the only one in the scene, it is fine. Besides, there is no glaring issue with using a pronoun consecutively. Regardless, I appreciate you putting your point forward once again.

There is a valid reason if it becomes boring and repetitive, imho.

Thankfully Yuvraj, you've enough action and a terrific core idea to carry this script, but don't dismiss Zack's advice out of hand.  You might want to bear in mind that mixing it up for a reader adds to the readability and entertainment of a piece. You don't want to be an average writer, you want to make an impression.

Example:

He feels unsettled now. He looks for the close tab but finds
none.

Unsettled, he searches for a close tab. Finds none.

Before that you have:
He is a bit nervous now.

Unsettled, nervous - pretty much the same thing.
I'd be guessing he might be frantic at the point he's looking for the close tab.

Just suggestions. Take or leave.