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I liked this one. A nice "guy on the edge" story. I kind of wished that Malcolm's trauma was somewhat related to Christmas for a bigger payoff, but I guess that might make it to similar to the may Xmas slasher films out there or Christmas Evil.
I really liked this, well written, dark, great story arc and for some reason as I was reading Malcolm's VO I read it in Steve Buscemi's voice. That's a new experience for me. Very well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Deftly written and well structured for the page count. I’m not entirely on board with some of the logic (the father doing 25-years for the murder) and the misery/cruelty is laid on a bit too thick but that speaks more to my taste. At first I thought the head in the box was too much but then again it reveals just how disturbed Malcolm really is and gives the story that extra sting in the tail - this is what you get when you ask (this) Santa for help. Smooth out the how/why Malcolm got here and there could be something bigger to work with here.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
This was great, i love these kind of dark twisted Christmas tales. The V.O. was technically unnecessary, but I think it adds a style to the short that I think is pretty cool, people might find some humour in it in a dark way.
All they make in my neck of the woods are Christmas films, kind of become an industry in itself. This is the kind of Christmas story people are looking for i think, just off the wall. People who make films here would be genuinely interested in this kind of story. I'd tidy it up and you're mint I think.
Wow. I was taken aback by the ending, but you did set the stage for it. This is someone who takes things too far, and that ending is perfectly in character.
It's a great premise, one that could be made into a feature if he's smarter about it. The writing is quite good, with a few missteps along the way but nothing that tripped me up. The tone fits the material, and I like the stylistic choices.
Great entry, well done.
Shorts ain't my thing, although I do write a bunch of them. Features are what makes me tick And I am ABSOLUTELY turning this into a feature. Might be the last B movie/simple premise I write (my last spec I wrote was about a psychotic waitress who stalks the dude who didn't tip her -- a lot of people found the premise lame ala John Wick -- I loved the premise).
Shorts ain't my thing, although I do write a bunch of them. Features are what makes me tick And I am ABSOLUTELY turning this into a feature. Might be the last B movie/simple premise I write (my last spec I wrote was about a psychotic waitress who stalks the dude who didn't tip her -- a lot of people found the premise lame ala John Wick -- I loved the premise).
Definitely has the bones for a feature, IMO.
So... in your mind is the story going to be a one-killing type of thing - i.e, turning the specific story premise you have into a feature (your Santa kills one dude) - or is it going to be a serial type thing - i.e., you have an insane/demented Santa that grants macabre wishes to a variety of kids?
So... in your mind is the story going to be a one-killing type of thing - i.e, turning the specific story premise you have into a feature (your Santa kills one dude) - or is it going to be a serial type thing - i.e., you have an insane/demented Santa that grants macabre wishes to a variety of kids?
Interesting question.
I vote for the one killing. I love the circular nature of it.
Either way, Michael, I want to be one of your readers when you want notes.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Yeah, go for something that focuses more on character, so even though the latter idea of Santa going around granting evil wishes for kids is probably more high concept and more in tune with a straight-up horror movie (and would probably sell over my idea lol), I want to focus on that one story and the characters.
Yeah, go for something that focuses more on character, so even though the latter idea of Santa going around granting evil wishes for kids is probably more high concept and more in tune with a straight-up horror movie (and would probably sell over my idea lol), I want to focus on that one story and the characters.
That would definitely work. Actually be more my cup of tea. I was just curious which way you were going to go
All right, thanks everyone for reading. As some of you might know, I don't like spending too much time on shorts, usually an hour or less. If I have an idea swirling in my head and I see it, it takes me like 20 minutes to write it. I write scripts for corporate commercials and ads and I'm constantly given short notice, so it's a good exercise. Also, I've depended solely on writing $ during the pandemic (which fucking sucked), so I had to take on like 4 feature length scripts at a time while polishing multiple features on top of that for producers, so the writing muscle is pretty strong at this point. These challenges are a nice break for me to write what I want to write for once. And they don't require too much of my time, so these challenges are perfect for me. Shout out to Libby and Don for this challenge in particular.
To address a few comments on the script...
I saw this in a few comments: the father doing 25 years for a brutal crime his son committed. Yes, 25 years is pretty farfetched (as is the story itself). And some of you say he wouldn't do any time. I based this off a few things. One, Charles Manson never committed murder himself but spent the rest of his life in jail. Yes, he orchestrated the murders, so I realize that it's different. But, I sort of based it on some archaic laws:
All persons concerned in the commission of a crime, whether it be felony or misdemeanor, and whether they directly commit the act constituting the offense, or aid and abet in its commission, or, not being present, have advised and encouraged its commission, and all persons counseling, advising, or encouraging children under the age of fourteen years, or persons who are mentally incapacitated, to commit any crime, or who, by fraud, contrivance, or force, occasion the drunkenness of another for the purpose of causing him to commit any crime, or who, by threats, menaces, command, or coercion, compel another to commit any crime, are principals in any crime so committed.
As for a 13 child committing a horrific crime and going on to live somewhat of a normal life. I realize that here in the States over the past 25 years, we've seen more and more murders committed by children and we've seen these children charged as adults. But there's been many cases of child-aged murderers rehabilitating and then being allowed to live life as adults. For one, you have those two kids in England who kidnapped a younger kid and did some horrific things to him before tying him to train tracks. Those kids ended up going free when they were 18, though I heard that both of them have run into some problems with the law (drugs I think).
Also, a few people said that the child in this story would be traumatized by seeing the severed head of his father in a box. Here's the thing: the kid ASKED Santa to kill his father. So, for a child to ask SANTA CLAUS do murder his father, that kid would have to have some serious issues, right? Also, I understand NORMAL kids (like you and I maybe once were) would be traumatized by this... but I don't like writing about normal people. I wrote for a producer recently who had a hard time believing that a parent would kill their child (it was a fucked up a script). When I understand that YOU wouldn't kill your child, but their are sick parents that would and HAVE killed their children. I feel like, especially within the context of the story and the story's tone that the kid grinning at the sight of his father's severed head fits. Just my opinion, though.
There was a deleted scene where Malcolm (as a kid) is at a police station and tells them his father made him do it, so I included that back in (that version should be posted soon).
It's a great question, Michael. Should we only write about normal people doing normal things? Of course not.
Take the note "he/she wouldn't do that." Sometimes I just want to respond: "Read it again. 'Cause they just did. So, ask yourself, WHY did they just do that?" It's much more interesting.
Semi-related: I used to try and make all of my character reactions logical. But, I've come to realize... none of us act logically. We ALL act emotionally. So, now I ask, "what is this character's emotional reaction?" In your case, the child wasn't acting logically, asking for Santa to kill his father. It was emotional. And, he got an emotional response back, didn't he? And, script-wise... it worked!
And, yes, I realize I'm one of the readers who expressed concern about the long-term emotional impact of the final action. So, consider this a kind of "take back."
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
It's kind of the nature of page constrained shorts - we don't really get space to fill in all of the logic-making details that we would in a feature or even a longer short.
e.g., several questioned mine in terms of what the professional role of my protag (psychology professor) had to do with the story. Well, in the short - nothing as it turns out (at least not in 6 pages) - but I write it with a feature in mind where it plays a pivotal role.
Long-winded way of saying, while a 25-year prison sentence might not make sense at all in context of a six-page short, it could make perfect sense in the context of a feature where you have the liberty to add additional details - e.g., maybe the Dad had prior assault charges. Maybe he lived in a 3-strikes and you're out State like California - whatever - point being, it could make perfect sense given more space to provide info.
Newer version is up... is it possible to move this to the short horror section? I feel like it'd be easier to find. Same with the updated version of "Shut Eye".