For starters, I don't think it would hurt to give your characters some names. It got super confusing reading "?" "? light skin" etc. and it also establishes an unspoken balance within the character themselves.
At the very beginning, you have paragraph long monologue VOs- a script is a roadmap for the story yes? Consider the pacing. It'd likely be a solid 20-30 seconds of just watching a man smoke with no context. Could bore the viewer, turn them off to the film, or it could intrigue them.
With that being said... As I continued to read, I genuinely just have one question: who hurt you? |