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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  The Menacing
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Don
Posted: July 11th, 2021, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Menacing by Yuvraj Rajwanshi - Short, Horror - The life of an ordinary man gets hellishly tormented when he unknowingly irks an entity. 13 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Yuvraj
Posted: July 14th, 2021, 9:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for posting.


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AlexanderLR
Posted: July 21st, 2021, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
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My favourite part is Mark emerging from the black water in the sink. That's a great visual for a horror film, reminds me of Samara crawling out of the T.V from The Ring.

Just a few little improvements...

   A thunder booms - get rid of 'A'

Only Dean can see Mark right? So why does a customer say "Are you fellas gonna make a scene now?" Unless I've missed something?

    Dean startles - Dean 'startled'

    "Saw you after a while" - shouldn't that be "I haven't seen you in a while"?

    "What are y- I didn't knew" - I didn't 'know'

So for the ending, is he supposed to be in some alternate universe or something? Are we not meant to know where is he?

Overall, great use of tension, visuals and a sense of paranoia.
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 3:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AlexanderLR
My favourite part is Mark emerging from the black water in the sink. That's a great visual for a horror film, reminds me of Samara crawling out of the T.V from The Ring.

Just a few little improvements...

   A thunder booms - get rid of 'A'

Only Dean can see Mark right? So why does a customer say "Are you fellas gonna make a scene now?" Unless I've missed something?

    Dean startles - Dean 'startled'

    "Saw you after a while" - shouldn't that be "I haven't seen you in a while"?

    "What are y- I didn't knew" - I didn't 'know'

So for the ending, is he supposed to be in some alternate universe or something? Are we not meant to know where is he?

Overall, great use of tension, visuals and a sense of paranoia.


Thanks, AlexanderLR, for reading and commenting.

Mark can be seen by everyone, up until the point when Dean angers him. Then after that, he is seen by Dean only.

Yes, he is in an alternate reality. Nothing makes sense to him anymore.

Thanks for the suggestions as well.


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AlexanderLR
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Okay interesting. Yeah no problem happy to help.
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Gary Parr
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Yuvraj.

As you know, I'm completely new here and have very limited experience with scriptwriting. So take anything I say with a huge pinch of salt

I really enjoyed this script, but it did feel a little long.

I think you could lose the entire first scene and it wouldn't affect the story that much. Just start at the bar.

In the bar scene, you could probably merge customer#1 and customer#2 into a single character. Maybe just have a bartender.

In the factory scene, you should probably give co-worker#1 a proper name, as he has significant interaction with Dean.

And why give the co-worker a number at all when none of the others interact with Dean?

I got slightly confused during the Kurt exchange, and the deal with Emma. I wasn't really sure what was going on. How long had she been dead? Was she a ghost?

You mentioned that the story includes alternate realities, but I didn't get that impression at all.

I think you could probably lose all the V.O. dialogue as well. You layout the final scene really well visually, I don't think you need the narration.

It was a pretty cool story and I really liked the visuals, especially the sink scene.

Anyway, that's my two cents, for what they're worth.

Gary
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Gary, for reading, and commenting.


Quoted from Gary Parr
I think you could lose the entire first scene and it wouldn't affect the story that much. Just start at the bar.


I wanted to show the story in a full circle structure. How he came to the situation (i.e. in his room, with no way out)? What happened to him during the course of the time? That was the intent.


Quoted from Gary Parr
In the bar scene, you could probably merge customer#1 and customer#2 into a single character. Maybe just have a bartender.


In the script, I mentioned that the bar is full of thug-like people. So that was the reason I included two people to convey that they mean business, not only by their appearance but also through - how they speak.

Besides, the bartender will be an employee. They won't speak like that to a customer.


Quoted from Gary Parr
In the factory scene, you should probably give co-worker#1 a proper name, as he has significant interaction with Dean.

And why give the co-worker a number at all when none of the others interact with Dean?


Good point.

My initial thought to not give a proper name was from the perspective of a filmmaker. To tell my point that, anyone can suffice the role. Nothing specific is needed.


Quoted from Gary Parr
I got slightly confused during the Kurt exchange, and the deal with Emma. I wasn't really sure what was going on. How long had she been dead? Was she a ghost?


I don't find any issue here. It was all Mark messing up with him.

Emma never gave Dean any bread. Nor was she in the corridor. It was Mark screwing him.

That's why Kurt was confused and startled to hear the question of Emma's whereabouts.

I mean what will you feel when someone will ask you about a dead person as if they were still alive?  


Quoted from Gary Parr
You mentioned that the story includes alternate realities, but I didn't get that impression at all.


To be fair, the aspect of alternate realities is not OTN.

1) Dean gets the bread from dead Emma.

2) Dean finds himself deserted in the middle of the street.

3) Dean finds himself sitting in a corner at his workplace.

4) Him hearing Emma's voice in the corridor.

5) And the ending's pretty obvious.

Also, the alternate reality thing is not in the context of the sci-fi/fantasy genre. But more like in the sense of delusion.

After all, what is delusion? It is the inability to distinguish between what is real and what only seems to be real.

The fact that Emma is actually dead but for Dean she was alive.


Quoted from Gary Parr
I think you could probably lose all the V.O. dialogue as well. You layout the final scene really well visually, I don't think you need the narration.


Again, a good point.

The whole point of VOs was to provide the dry/dumb wit that Dean's got.

The sinking realization of foreboding, but still trying hard to make sense of everything.

Eventually, him turning stoic and accepting his fate, but not without some non-ideal comment.


Quoted from Gary Parr
It was a pretty cool story and I really liked the visuals, especially the sink scene.

Anyway, that's my two cents, for what they're worth.


Thanks, mate.  

And please, don't think I am trying to negate your points here.

I am just giving you my thoughts to justify my moves.

Since I did not write this story arbitrarily. Clearly, there are reasons as to why I wrote this script the way it is.  

Plus, I admire subtlety. Pasting everything on the face is not my thing.

Hope you don't take this the other way.

Thanks again.


  



Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Yuvraj  -  July 22nd, 2021, 3:47pm
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Gary Parr
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Yuvraj,

I don't take it the wrong way at all. I respect that you've got a clear vision for how the story plays out.

Thanks for clarifying the points I didn't pick up on, it helped me understand it a lot more.

I think getting feedback on feedback is really useful, so thanks again.

Can't wait to read some more of your stuff.

Gary
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Yuvraj
Posted: July 22nd, 2021, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gary Parr
Hey Yuvraj,

I don't take it the wrong way at all. I respect that you've got a clear vision for how the story plays out.

Thanks for clarifying the points I didn't pick up on, it helped me understand it a lot more.

I think getting feedback on feedback is really useful, so thanks again.

Can't wait to read some more of your stuff.

Gary


Yeah - although I'll agree that VOs can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.    

But if you find the VOs in my script to be quite unnecessary, try reading the script of Aaron Sorkin's movie - Molly's Game. It is like a huge cluster of VOs. A complete VOs package for you!  


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