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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Evil's Revenge
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  Author    Evil's Revenge  (currently 189 views)
Don
Posted: August 11th, 2021, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Evil's Revenge by CJ Vecchio - Short, Horror - When a tormented woman tries to sell her soul to the Devil to seek vengeance on all those who have done her wrong, the Devil demands she sacrifice her young daughter in order to get her wishÖ 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 12th, 2021, 11:24am
revised draft
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eldave1
Posted: August 11th, 2021, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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You have an extra title page.


Quoted Text
SUSAN
(dramatic)
When, Master, when? What can I do
to prove I am worthy? To seek
revenge on all who has me out! To
do your bidding and feed you souls!
(Latin)
Give me a sign! Give me a sign!


You don't need "dramatic"

Give me a sign is a little worn - maybe use something like show me the path.



Quoted Text
EMMA
(raw panic)
MOM!


Don't need - raw panic.


Quoted Text
SUSAN
(crazed)


Don't need craze - I'll stop with that point here. But you have a lot of parentheticals that are not needed throughout the script.


Quoted Text
DIANE (V.O.)
Hey, Iím just letting you know
Susan Sanders didnít make it. The
guard was DOA...Iím a little
freaked out, maybe... I can come
over and spend the night?


The above really threw me - a DA would ask to spend the night at a Judge's house?

Okay - other than the over use of parentheticals I thought the writing was pretty good. The story as a whole did not quite land for me but this isn't really my genre - it may land with others.




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChrisV
Posted: August 12th, 2021, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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SORRY...I accidentally sent DON the wrong/first draft of my SCRIPT!!!!


Attached is the "Correct" shooting script...Sorry and Thank you.



Attachment: er811a_5670.pdf
12 downloads   -   Size: 70.58 KB



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Don
Posted: August 12th, 2021, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
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updated draft

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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ChrisV
Posted: September 14th, 2021, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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FILMING STARTS in November!

Added a LOOK-BOOK
https://www.cjvecchio.com/development

and UPDATE the shooting script (attached)



Attachment: er99_464.pdf
0 downloads   -   Size: 75.87 KB



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