Slayfest by Mark Renshaw (markrenshaw) writing as When the Bodies Hit the Floor - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy - A couple of wannabe serial killers haul a body to a rendezvous at a secret destination when they encounter a hiker with murder on his mind. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Not a fan of the way you introduce your characters. Messy. Makes for a rough start to the script. Writing, in general, is a little stilted. That said, I appreciate how you've structured this.

The body wrapping in bubble wrap... Funny stuff with all the popping. Lol

Some of the action is tough to visualize. Makes for a very slow read. Dialog is hit and miss, mostly miss.

Mortal *Kombat*!!!

Dialog gets worse as it goes. This is a really tough read. Started skimming on page 7.

"Pity you didn't bring a water
pistol, then you could have shot
him up the nose."

I liked that line. Made me laugh.

*SPOILERS*






LOVE the idea of the body wrapped in bubblewrap being the real villain, but the way you handle it in the prose is very clunky. Very hard to visualize. Robs a potentially cool moment of all its impact. "The Karenator" LMFAO

The HOODED MAN ending is a dud, IMO. Feels tacked on for a cheap surprise.

So, yeah. This one is a very mixed bag. Some sloppy writing, but I really enjoyed the concept. Clean it up a bit and you'll have a winner on your hands.

Good effort.

Should I quibble about this, given it's not dialogue?
The woman is stood behind another LADY
Probably not.

That and so many other trademarks point to a UK writer.

I'm going to say this overstayed its welcome just a tad and I think that was down to the OWC brief. We already know these guys are villains so something has to come left field. I loved the inclusion of the hiker and might have enjoyed it left as this threesome more than the complicated goings on that follows. But I was very entertained nonetheless.

Excellent work here, dialogue was spot on, character work was terrific, humour was all there - loved the guys bickering and banter, especially the MO bit and the bubble wrap.  

Reminded me of the style of Sightseers, though more focused on humour..
HorrorComedy/Satire at its finest.

Well done, Writer!
Hope this, or a version of it, gets made.

P.S. I think (I could be wrong) this style of humour might be more accessible to a UK and Antipodean audience.

Loved it!

Deffo a fellow Brit wrote this. I usually avoid such British Banter when writing for a mixed audience but I appreciate such stuff.

Cheapish to produce, if you could get permission to shoot somewhere like Snowdonia. Luckily there are lots of greenery and hills in the UK. We'll probably all be living up there in a few years when the world is flooded.

It needs a trim and a re-write to read smoother. Some of it is awkward and a bit clunky. Is Robin a serial killer too far? I'm undecided. Part of me likes him, part of me wants the Karenator to win!

  I agree with the previous reviewers. I picked up the UK dialogue. Some formatting issues. First introduction of the killer is 'HIKER'
Then the next introduction (flashback) is HENRY.  Some of the dialogue and banter was lost to me. Interesting premise.
But overall an interesting concept.

I'm pretty sure I know who wrote this

It took a few pages to grasp what you were going for.  Obviously the naming of Lad 1 and Lad 2 through me off but after the flashbacks I got it.

Overall It was enjoyable and just when I thought it was finished at the end with Karenator... up pops Robin from the hood

Funny names for each character

Good entry

I really enjoyed this. The banter, the continuous goal/struggle with the body. The moment when Henry runs off still wrapped in his tent. All really good stuff and I can see it being even funnier on film than it is on paper. It was all clear, simple and entertaining - not too many characters. However, my only nitpicks happened near the end where more was introduced.

I got confused between the WOMAN and LADY in the shop scene. Just call the lady SHOPPER or something.

SPOILERS

Not sure how the Karenator tricked them into carrying her. But I still liked the reveal and was totally on board.

My only real critique was this. Seems you were having so much fun you took the story further than it needed to go. I'm Team Karenator and think the script should have ended here -

LANDLORD
Bloody hell, lads! Guess who’s only
gone and put us all to shame again?

The Karenator curtsies.

Ending it there would also make it MUCH easier to produce, as the last scene needs a bunch of new people and a lot of interior location setup. But production aside - I think the story would benefit from killing off the last killer. The reason the Karenator is so good is that she's been there all along.

If it had ended a bit earlier this would definitely be my favorite. As it is - I'm conflicted. But really good stuff.

Hi writer,

The writing here is off for me. The manner in which this script is written, I have realized is not in line with me. So, this is completely a personal criticism. However, dialogs in particular I felt were weak.  

As for the story, I will agree that it ticks right with the genre of dark comedy. The twist(also the ending) with the dead body was decent enough(although it could have been much stronger) to not derail the entire experience for me. I think specifically the writing here needs a lot of work.  

Good luck.

Ha! I loved all of it

Although the Karenator should only have tied up 3 bodies at the end, not 4 (Pete, Dave and Henry)

Great work, I thoroughly enjoyed reading that during this spout of insomnia

Hi writer,

This is written quite oddly. The characters are introduced in an odd manner, calling the characters lads is off putting. And, a character actually uses FFS in a sentence. I don't think anyone does that.

Overall, this was pretty good. It was quite fun and ticked the boxes of the challenge. A quick rewrite after the challenge to clean the bits I've brought up and this would make a thoroughly entertaining short.

Good luck,
Glenn

Cor Blimey! Quite a British romp here, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Although I have not lived in the UK for over 20 years, I still got the humour which I'm sure went over a few people's heads here. And I think that's why I had such a good time with this because it brought me back to those scallywag days living in good ol' Blighty.

And I actually loved the ending with Robin the Hood showing up late to the party. The final SUPER, going from 99 to 100 kills was a nice touch.

A good, solid and fun entry!

Writer,

I'm assuming a Brit wrote this. Would this be known as a "carry on" type of story? Felt like it. Anyway, what 's nt to like here. I loved the names of the killers -- Peter Popper and Drownin' Dave. Wonderful. Thought their banter could have been funnier, but it sufficed. The Karenator, another good one, as well as Robin From The Hood. Loved it. Overall, not excellent but a lot of fun and gets a good mark from me. Nice work!

Steve

Not a fan of the lad#1 stuff, though could see the sort of gameshow vibe you were going for.

I might have missed something, but how did they end of carrying the Karenator if neither of them killed her? Felt like a logic gap to me.

Didn't think the extra twist at the end was needed as we'd already had two.

But decently written.

Hahahaha...totally seeing the Snatch/Seven Psychopaths visual style. Most of my critiques are on formatting:

- If you introduce LAD #1, refer to them as Lad #1 in prose until revealed. "The lad" caused some confusion.
- Refrain from abbreviations in dialogue that you don't intend for an actor to speak verbatim (FFS).
- Read some of the prose aloud (especially when describing the mountain & 'Benny Hill'-type running around) and ensure it conveys what you intend.

I'm on the fence on the final 'twist,' but a large part of me likes that the 'game' is never really over.

Oh so British in all the best ways.

The skeleton is here for sure, but the flesh needs to be trimmed. (Don't mind me, I'm experimenting with Halloween-themed comments.)

I mean, on screen, this would have some true laugh-out-loud moments. On paper, there are little problems everywhere. (No worries, the paper is easy to correct.)

And, there are some logic bits to work out. For example: how can they handle 2 bodies, when together they couldn't really handle just the one?

The good? I actually really liked how you rolled the characters out. The supers were... super. The visual humor was really fun. The "game" concept is great.

The bad? I wasn't a fan of carrying things past The Karenator. You had a good ending, but blew right past it. The dialogue needs a good review. The jokes are great, but they get lost a bit. I'd recommend a couple of edit/rewrite sessions that focus just on the dialogue. It won't take much to really make it sing.

All in all, this made me smile. I'll take that any day. Good job!