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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Slayfest (was The Body) - OWC - Award Winning
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  Author    Slayfest (was The Body) - OWC - Award Winning  (currently 1699 views)
Spqr
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 9:52am Report to Moderator
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Drownin’ Dave and Peter Popper’s epic trek to get the body to the pub was very entertaining. It was like two of the Three Stooges becoming serial killers, and doing a bad job of it. In fact, if a longer script is envisioned, this might be one way to go. Consequently, I was not happy that the Karenator took the boys out. And is using a bow and arrow an accepted method for serial killers to conduct business? Like firearms, a bow and arrow is a standoff weapon. Don’t serial killers get their jollies by getting up close and personal with their victims?
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ColinS
Posted: October 21st, 2021, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Though the writing was good, I wasn't entirely sure about this at first. It was only when the penny dropped that this is a crazy horror-comedy, then, then I started to enjoy it.
Loads of laughs, proper silly - Right up my alley.

Just to show how subjective this game is - I wouldn't have liked it finishing with the Karenator winning the day - I liked the extra twist. Makes it all the more absurd. It feels like hooded man would be next and the cycle would go on all night, lol.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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khamanna
Posted: October 23rd, 2021, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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The ending I liked

However this is kind of naked for me. You just introduced them - 3 kills, 2 kills, 10 kills and they fight.
I kind of did't feel invested.
Reads a bit random - I was wondering about the purpose of all this. Why should they be scared of the hiker if they are killers.

So, a bit random for me.

The naming also confused me, took me out.

But there were funny moments!
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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Some people guessed my script in the last two OWC’s I entered so I thought I’d try something different here and embraced the bonkers British aspect, which is how I started really. I usually try to write American to fit in with the natives and just let go this time.

Some really liked it and I’m pleased, others didn’t and that is fine too. It was like a Marmite script!

I’ve picked up that most don’t like the lads being introduced as LADS and using the letters FFS in a sentence, both of which I’ve rectified. For those who didn’t like the writing in this, could you give me some examples? If not here, then just send me a DM. I’m going to do another draft and I want it to be as readable as possible.

There seems to be a split between the Karenator and Robin from the Hood. Most prefer the Karenator, so I’m thinking of ending it when she presents the bodies to the Landlord and curtsies. If anyone has strong opinions to keep Robin in and improve that scene instead, I’m all ears.

As to the inspiration from this script. Al (Britman) and I made our first short film together in 1999/2000. It was a zero-budget amateur affair, yet we had a lot of fun and it won a prize in the Manchester Festival of Fantastic Films, which surprised us more than anything. We investigated making another one and brainstormed ideas we could afford to shoot with the money in our pockets. One idea I came up with was a couple of guys carrying a body up a hill for ‘reasons’ and encountering a hiker along the way.

We never got further than the ideas stage, but I kept the notes and when this OWC presented itself, I thought I’d have a go at developing it into a script and I’m so glad I did. It brought back happy memories and felt cathartic. So, remember writers, keep all those ideas in a file, virtual or otherwise. You never know when you might use them.

Thanks again for the reads and reviews. Love them or hate them, they always help me sort out what is working and what isn’t in my scripts.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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LC
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 3:13am Report to Moderator
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Mark, you know this was Vegemite to me.  
You got one of my few Excellent scores - bungling crime humour goes a long way with me.

FFS - yep, like you said, should be written out in full

And, I'm in the camp of stopping at the Karenator.

My overall advice is: don't change too much.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 25th, 2021, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Mark, you know this was Vegemite to me.  
You got one of my few Excellent scores - bungling crime humour goes a long way with me.

FFS - yep, like you said, should be written out in full

And, I'm in the camp of stopping at the Karenator.

My overall advice is: don't change too much.


Thank you. Sound advice. I am thinking of changing the title though to Slayfest to make it sound a bit different from the norm. Or do folks think it should stay as The Body?



For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 31st, 2021, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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New version is up based on the feedback and I've come up with a promo poster as well which Dom has kindly posted with the script!

Thanks again for all the comments.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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PKCardinal
Posted: October 31st, 2021, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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This script is great. Loved reading it again.

I like the new ending. Totally works for me.

Personally not a fan of the new title. Kind of gives away the ending. Of course, I knew the ending... so, maybe I'm not the best judge. But, I'd love to see a title that's just a bit more fun...in a horrific kind of way. Of course, I offer no solutions.

Thanks for posting the new version! Great job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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LC
Posted: November 1st, 2021, 12:58am Report to Moderator
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Mark, so many laugh out loud lines in this.

Loved it the first time, loved it the second.

A shame the lads cop it. They really are a prize pair.

Re the title, I didn't want to be a killjoy   but seeing as PK said it first, I kinda agree. The revised title hints at the story's angle a bit too much with the 'fest' ending... Your tagline does the same though, now I look at it.

I always liked The Body for a title. It's clever with the reveal (as in Saw clever) cause I never saw it coming.

Slayers as an alternative?

I really like your poster but honestly it's a bit too pretty imho. I think it needs more blood, more splatter.

Anyway, nitpicks really.
Great job that you left it where you did in this revised draft, and lopped off the original ending.

Crossing my fingers for you it gets picked up.



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2022, 5:26am Report to Moderator
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UPDATE:

Slayfest is a finalist at the Austin Film Festival. There were over 10,000 submissions this year (across all categories), and I'm down to the top three for the best short screenplay award. I've got my producer's badge and ticket for the awards luncheon, so I'll be flying off to Texas next week to experience the writer's conference. This will be a big tick off my writer's bucket list!

This all came from a OWC, and the excellent, sometimes brutally honest feedback it provides. Most of my screenwriting successes started from OWC's, so if have written one you are really proud of, and it doesn't win the OWC that does not mean it's no good. If you believe in it, try and do something with it - you never know where it might lead.

So, thanks again to Don for running this site for so long and providing so many creative opportunities, and thanks to everyone who takes part and offers feedback in the one week challenges.  


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 20th, 2022, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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BIG congratulations Mark! I know someone else who was a semi finalist in the same comp. He's a member here too. I remember because I was amazed at the number of entries.

When it comes to the OWCs, a LOT of those scripts have gone on to become films. Features even. Thanks for sticking with this site and good luck in Texas.


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jwent6688
Posted: October 20th, 2022, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Huge congrats, Mark! Have fun in Texas!

James


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 29th, 2022, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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I won at Austin!!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Grandma Bear
Posted: October 29th, 2022, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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Mark The Slayer!!!!! Congratulations! HUGE!  


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Warren
Posted: October 30th, 2022, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats again!

Is the current script listed the winning script or is there a new draft?


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