Halloween Spirit by Paul Knauer and Chris Hager (PKCardinal, Dukeman42) writing as Two Men And A Pen (Story by Two Men And A Little Lady) - Short, Horror - A super employee and a super fan face a dark choice when their dreams of a year-round Halloween store gain momentum after unique but sinister animatronic displays mysteriously appear. 15 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

What's up, Dudes? And Lady.

Some great writing here. Your prose reads with a good flow. Love your descriptions. Really snappy dialog, too.

Top-notch characterization. This one is very well-crafted. Can tell a lot of effort went into this one.

Really creative story here, but unfortunately, I'm not really sure I understood what happened at the end. And that sort of leaves a sour taste in my mouth, know what I mean? Felt like this was building towards something amazing... But what we got instead was both underwhelming and confusing.

*SPOILERS*




Did Aime and Darnell kill each other? Why would they do that? I'll read this one again in a few days and see if maybe I understand it better after some time away.

So, yeah. This one is so close to being great. The ending just needs to be reworked into something more clear and satisfying.

Still, impressive effort here.

All a bit too convoluted for me.

This is probably personal taste but the sometimes long-winded bracketed descriptions could be streamlined.
I also found it confusing as to who was who, and who was doing what and where.

Parenthetical usage

I can't help thinking you actually do know how to format them:

SHRUNKEN HEAD
     (high-pitched)
We've got the need for speed!

But, you were concerned about your cup runneth-ing over aka page limit.

WALTER
They’re just mannequins. (to Amie)
Don't forget to get your bid in.
(to Darnell) If Brian doesn't show
you'll have to close. And get some
video of this for your Finsta.

Whew! Multiple examples of this and it was doing my head in and disrupting flow and story.

Some of the visuals are really great and I suspect this might be a hoot on screen, but for now I found myself scanning to the end.

I'm going to be fair and give this another try (if I get the time) after I get to the others -  because of Zack's high praise.

This cut have been cut down by quite a few pages.

A lot of characters to keep track off and I was beginning to lose interest by page 9.

The set up was good as far the animatronics actually being humans... (I believe that's what  it was)

You had a good story, it was just way over written for me.

INSERT: AN OWL TURNS SUDDENLY, ITS BIG EYES FILL THE SCREEN...  Makes it feel like a TV show to me


Great job on entering though

A nice quirky feel. I can imagine this being fun with the right actors. But - as has been mentioned - it's too complex and overwritten.

To be honest, I'm surprised how many people have used the maximum 12-page count allowed. Many of them could be streamlined and be all the better for it. But even conceptually this could do with being simplified. At its heart, I think it is -

A struggling Halloween store starts selling real body parts to revive itself.

In that concept, there's comedy and dramatic irony galore. Is it eyeballs in jars, mummified heads, a dried-up hand giving the finger? There could be kids all over town with dismembered body parts. The human body has a lot to mine and this concept could have mined all that gooey goodness.

Halloween store meets the standard. This short is quite well written. It has the feel of 'Be careful what you wish for'. Animatronics puts it in the hi-tech class if you were going to do it as a feature. If you read the description of the animatronics, it's part machine and part human. Reminds me of Alien. But the premise is unique.
Unique premise and some good writing.

This certainly ticks all the boxes and the writer can write for sure, there are also some good characterisations that help the flow. It's just too much and convoluted for a short. There are a lot of characters and I got confused as to who was who. The first 5 pages are just these characters talking in the store.

The elaborate displays using body parts combined with animatronics I just don't buy at all. Maybe one, but it would soon become apparent real bodies were being used,  the smell alone would give it away, heck some of the people working in the store spot it straight away and talk about getting the police involved but don't!

The manager is auctioning these pieces off. Whoever buys them will know they have rotting body parts on their hands soon enough but the store keeps going and more displays using murdered people go on display. it doesn't add up.

I was expecting a supernatural explanation at least, but it's just Amy murdering and building these contraptions seemingly overnight on her own!

It was too much, but a really bold concept that needs fleshing (pardong the pun) out.

Hi Writer,

I feel a fair bit of effort has been put into this one and this concept of a Halloween store displaying real humans and their body parts as animatronics was really creepy and cool.

That said, I did find it difficult to follow. And when I struggle to follow a story, my attention drifts out of the narrative. Perhaps over written at times? Perhaps too many characters? Or perhaps it was too ambitious for paper.

It's strange because the writing was often very good, but I seemed to just get lost - Might just be me. Good luck though.

Hi writer,

The concept here reminded me of the movie - Velvet Buzzsaw. The story is nice but I am not a fan of the writing style here. It feels distant and mechanical to me. The characters were good and dynamic, however, the writing style makes it difficult to connect and go along with them.

Good luck.

Writer,

Not too much of a surprise as to who the villain was. Sort of saw it coming. Oddly enough, I kinda liked your villain and was rooting for him/her, so I guess evil is out of the question. But this is a pretty good story and a good effort for the amount of time we had. Not my fav, but pretty well done. Good luck!

Steve

One of the strongest scripts I've read so far in terms of writing ability and also the best use of the Halloween requirement, obviously.

The story itself: It was okay. There's a good concept there that would play well at any horror film festival, but it's buried in an over stuffed script with dialogue that doesn't propel the story forward. I feel if you trimmed it down a bit you'd have a much stronger story. You can write, no doubt about it.

Overall though nicely done.

Definitely set at Halloween

Solid writing on display, but think it could be trimmed significantly and couldn't quite get my head round the displays using dead people, animatronic assistance or not.

Decent effort though and "New Brian nopes out." made me chuckle.

Hello writer

RUSS
What do you want us to do? Firebomb
Amazon?

That made me chuckle

Love the story, I had a hard time picturing a couple of the displays but that's probably on me.

Not sure I liked the ending though, did they take each other out? Guess I was hoping for a happ ending.
But yeah, I really love the concept here.

Very good script. Liked the action, the characters were good, and the description was well done. I thought the ending, though,  where Darnell and Amid go after each other, was a letdown. I see these two wacky characters taking off, arm in arm, looking for a new "mannequin" in order to keep the Halloween store's display new and fresh.

Hi Writer,

This was definitely unique and had me interested. By the end though, there was just a bit too much going on. Think this one needs a bit of a tidy up. You've definitely got something within, just needs to be trimmed.

Good luck,
Glenn.

Hello to all the writers here.

It's not that you lost me, it's really a lot of detail and I think unnecessary detail and a lot of dialogue that muddles the story.
So, it reads random the way it's written, when it's not a random story.

Maybe you shouldn't start with a line and a crowd, select fewer people, think of a character you could get away with maybe.

I like the fact they are all roque, like the story, didn't like the execution.
All the inserts are funny and visual. I applaud them - your inserts!

Quoted from Spqr Very good script. Liked the action, the characters were good, and the description was well done. I thought the ending, though,  where Darnell and Amid go after each other, was a letdown. I see these two wacky characters taking off, arm in arm, looking for a new "mannequin" in order to keep the Halloween store's display new and fresh.

Ah, yes. So, Chris and I were already working on the new ending when you wrote this comment. I think you'll like what we came up with! It might feel... familiar.

NOTE: look for the new version in the horror shorts section... sent to Don, so it'll post at some point soon.

Thanks to everyone for the notes!

Alright, everybody.

This is officially the version with the new ending. Much more satisfying, I hope.