What Did You Do? (It's Not A Dream, It's A Memory - One) by Jefferson Baugh - Short, Horror - A man rushes home to his panicked, suicidal wife - and walks into a nightmare. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Jefferson!

This is really compelling and really creepy, particularly when the third element of horror is introduced into the story. That's what makes it horror.

BIG SPOILERS BELOW




A TALL SHAPE. LIKE A MAN, but not.
Impossibly tall. SPINDLY. All BLACK, blacker than
everything around it. Like a VOID. SAVE FOR IT'S EYES. (delete the apostrophe, btw)

I think it might be even more sinister if the one ('shape/figure) moves from one spot to another, instead of there being more than one of it, but I'm not fixed on that. Just thought if it could move fast (materialise) like that with its appearance it'd be scary and shocking. Likewise: They want more... - would then be 'it wants more' obviously - an entity haunting her. That'd be a terrific alternate title too - They/It wants More.

BABY
I need you. . .to help me. . .
(beat)
They want more.
(beat)
It's never going to stop.

You could, instead of 'beat' have her (whisper), (shaking), quietly become (hysterical)? (hand clamped over her mouth) to stop screaming.

The two of them look at each other, her PLEADING and him in
SHOCK - while between them, in the bedroom. . .the SHAPE.

Can he see it?

Is it real?

I don't think you need those last two lines, (above) even though it's not dialogue (which is good that it isn't btw,) but it's superfluous imho. Of course he sees it and that's the horror of it. That's the reveal.

Formatting:

Your title page:
(it's not a dream, it's a memory - One) I don't think you need that, and if it's Part 1, then state that specifically, otherwise it detracts imho. At the very least insert a space between the lines.

You don't need the directorial inclusions (medium close up, cut to etc.) unless you are directing this yourself, leave this to the creative vision of the Director.

The two of them stares at it, as it races a hand. . .
Stare - singular. The two of them stare at it... (delete the spaces in your ellipses) - a few instances of this: . . . instead of: ...

(os) (O.S.)
(CONT'D)

The End shouldn't be on a last page on its own and deleting the lines above would fix that.

You misdirect perfectly by making this appear as if it's mental illness and then shock us with the horror of a different kind of reality. Poor doggie, btw.

I'd love to hear your thoughts re the 'memory' angle which didn't quite gel for me.

Anyway, great job!

P.S. This would have fitted in nicely with the OWC (Halloween one-week challenge) that we recently had in regards to the 'villian' theme:

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-1021/m-1633552355/s-0/

Hope you'll join us in the next one.