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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  I'll Love You Forever -  OWC
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  Author    I'll Love You Forever -  OWC  (currently 1252 views)
Don
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I'll Love You Forever by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - A cheater finds out who his girlfriend really is when her brother shows up to teach him a lesson. 8 pages

Production: 8 pages. One location, four actors. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  April 15th, 2022, 8:26am
revised draft
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PedroS
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this one. You threw us right into the action. Thank you for this one!
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realxwriter
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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I love simple tales. They unburden you of any extra work you need to do to be entertaining. A quick ride along. However, my problem with this story is that the payoff twists never had a contrasting setup. Both the were-wolf reveal and the extra brother fell flat. There were no actual build up leading to them.
The sixth sense twist would have had a weak impact if the PI didn't give us the illusion that he's interacting with everyone around him. We were like: how? He spoke to that and this. But then we realized that we got tricked.

What was the buildup toward those reveals to make them impactful? Nothing. We never met Daniel before. And whether they were werewolves are not made no difference to us because no prior setup made us sense any kind of iron or shock.

I'll give this a good but not great.

Edit: As per Don's instructions -
Please do not rate scripts in your review.

Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  February 19th, 2022, 6:09pm
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irish eyes
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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The use of Wrath and a semi love story with the use of Werewolves thrown in for good measure.

So Bill knew nothing about Nancy being a werewolf if they only met, where they in love?

It wasn't a bad story with the werewolf family and pretty well written.

Good job on entering


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eldave1
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nice effort.

I did find the dialogue a bit on the nose (exposition-laded) in a few cases as characters were exchanging information that they should have already known.

The werewolf angle was an interesting twist - after that reveal it slows down a bit .

Congrats on the effort


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Zack
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Hi, O.

Logline is a bit redundant.

I want to like this one more than I do. Werewolves are my jam. Initially, it's a solid setup. But as the story unravels, the logic starts to fall apart. None of this really makes sense to me.

The dialog is pretty rough. Almost feels like parody at times. Maybe this one was written in a hurry?

Good effort, though.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  February 25th, 2022, 11:38am
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting and had some decent one liners and the like but noithing in it really struck me as a love story.

Bill lusts after Nancy, Nancy doesn't really seem to give much of a shit about Bill really and the brothers seem to just want to get fed.

However I did kinda like the story itself, i'm a sucker for a werewolf tale!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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srusteve09
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Nice story.  Kind of a dark take on Twilight, but with warewolves, and not vampires.  Nice entry.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one!  

However, the dialogue needs a lot of work, IMHO. There's too much of it and it's too expositional. You don't need to explain or tell us everything. Give the audience some credit. Let us think a little. Don't spoon feed us info. Other than that, good job!  


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c m hall
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Very entertaining, this would be a good short film with unexpectedly likable characters with interesting backstories.  I think an audience will care enough about Bill to make the story work, his frailties and weakness give the extra spark to contrast the bleak situation.
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ColinS
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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Serve the Public Trust

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I liked this one, such an easy read - You do simple in a good way!

Not sure if I felt the love story and couldn't be certain of the deadly sin at play - maybe wrath?

Anyway enjoyed it, well done.


"Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..."
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy you

I gotta say, I really liked this. Not a huge fan of this genre! For one thing, although it's a horror, you added a little effective, character-revealing humor that made me laugh twice without really making me question the genre -- which I think is because of your good balance with that.  Maybe focus on enhancing the "Love" in the story, if you plan on doing a re-write.  I do agree though... bits&pieces of the dialogue needs a tweak, but this does evoke the correct tone and setting for this type of story...nicely done! Brownie points for werewolves and not zombies. Best of Irish luck!  


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 23rd, 2022, 9:40am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Comedy is not listed but the tone is comedic throughout, I hope that was intentional.

I like werewolves, and I kinda liked this story. He cheated on her so now she isn't going to turn him into a werewolf and love him forever, instead, she's just going to feast... but hungry brothers got in the way.

A bit sloppy in its execution and direction, awkward description and wooden dialogue. But overall not a bad effort


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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ReneC
Posted: February 24th, 2022, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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There's an interesting premise here but it didn't really engage me. Nobody behaves realistically, the dialogue is rough, the pace keeps slipping, and I didn't care about Bill at all so there's no impact for me. Good effort, it could be something with an overhaul.


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PraneelNand
Posted: February 24th, 2022, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

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Hello, writer I enjoyed this one, easy to read and some good twists. I don't know if this is a love story though. Reads more like a story of revenge than a love story. The theme is the wrath he incurs, but I think it would've been more impactful  if she was the one to kill him.

Yeah. He's shooting at us. He knows
it's like I'm allergic to silver or
something. If it touches my skin, it
burns, and I bleed.

this line was a bit difficult to digest and could use some attention. overall it was a decent effort, although I don't see a love story and therefore doesn't meet the requirements for the challenge, I commend your effort and you write like a seasoned vet.

Great job on entering and all the best.

-Cheers
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