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I'll Love You Forever - OWC (currently 1252 views) |
Don |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 10:20am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
I'll Love You Forever by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - A cheater finds out who his girlfriend really is when her brother shows up to teach him a lesson. 8 pages Production: 8 pages. One location, four actors. - pdf format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - April 15th, 2022, 8:26am | revised draft | | |
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PedroS |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 11:51am |
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January Project Group
Posts56 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I really enjoyed this one. You threw us right into the action. Thank you for this one! |
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Reply: 1 - 25 |
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realxwriter |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 2:25pm |
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Posts180 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
I love simple tales. They unburden you of any extra work you need to do to be entertaining. A quick ride along. However, my problem with this story is that the payoff twists never had a contrasting setup. Both the were-wolf reveal and the extra brother fell flat. There were no actual build up leading to them. The sixth sense twist would have had a weak impact if the PI didn't give us the illusion that he's interacting with everyone around him. We were like: how? He spoke to that and this. But then we realized that we got tricked.
What was the buildup toward those reveals to make them impactful? Nothing. We never met Daniel before. And whether they were werewolves are not made no difference to us because no prior setup made us sense any kind of iron or shock.
I'll give this a good but not great.
Edit: As per Don's instructions - Please do not rate scripts in your review. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - February 19th, 2022, 6:09pm | | |
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Reply: 2 - 25 |
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irish eyes |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:36pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
The use of Wrath and a semi love story with the use of Werewolves thrown in for good measure.
So Bill knew nothing about Nancy being a werewolf if they only met, where they in love?
It wasn't a bad story with the werewolf family and pretty well written.
Good job on entering
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Reply: 3 - 25 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 19th, 2022, 5:40pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Nice effort.
I did find the dialogue a bit on the nose (exposition-laded) in a few cases as characters were exchanging information that they should have already known.
The werewolf angle was an interesting twist - after that reveal it slows down a bit .
Congrats on the effort |
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Reply: 4 - 25 |
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Zack |
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 10:17am |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4487 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Hi, O. Logline is a bit redundant. I want to like this one more than I do. Werewolves are my jam. Initially, it's a solid setup. But as the story unravels, the logic starts to fall apart. None of this really makes sense to me. The dialog is pretty rough. Almost feels like parody at times. Maybe this one was written in a hurry? Good effort, though. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Zack - February 25th, 2022, 11:38am | | |
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Reply: 5 - 25 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Interesting and had some decent one liners and the like but noithing in it really struck me as a love story.
Bill lusts after Nancy, Nancy doesn't really seem to give much of a shit about Bill really and the brothers seem to just want to get fed.
However I did kinda like the story itself, i'm a sucker for a werewolf tale! |
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Reply: 6 - 25 |
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srusteve09 |
Posted: February 20th, 2022, 1:23pm |
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Posts19 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Nice story. Kind of a dark take on Twilight, but with warewolves, and not vampires. Nice entry. |
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Reply: 7 - 25 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 8:04am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
I liked this one! However, the dialogue needs a lot of work, IMHO. There's too much of it and it's too expositional. You don't need to explain or tell us everything. Give the audience some credit. Let us think a little. Don't spoon feed us info. Other than that, good job! |
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Reply: 8 - 25 |
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c m hall |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 1:13pm |
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New
Locationpeninsula of Jersey Posts422 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
Very entertaining, this would be a good short film with unexpectedly likable characters with interesting backstories. I think an audience will care enough about Bill to make the story work, his frailties and weakness give the extra spark to contrast the bleak situation. |
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Reply: 9 - 25 |
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ColinS |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 2:56pm |
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January Project Group Serve the Public Trust
LocationUK Posts232 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
I liked this one, such an easy read - You do simple in a good way!
Not sure if I felt the love story and couldn't be certain of the deadly sin at play - maybe wrath?
Anyway enjoyed it, well done. |
| "Some day I'll Be Saturday Night..." |
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Reply: 10 - 25 |
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ghost and_ghostie gal |
Posted: February 21st, 2022, 7:25pm |
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Old Timer
LocationA helluva long way from LA Posts1565 Posts Per Day 0.29 |
Ahoy you I gotta say, I really liked this. Not a huge fan of this genre! For one thing, although it's a horror, you added a little effective, character-revealing humor that made me laugh twice without really making me question the genre -- which I think is because of your good balance with that. Maybe focus on enhancing the "Love" in the story, if you plan on doing a re-write. I do agree though... bits&pieces of the dialogue needs a tweak, but this does evoke the correct tone and setting for this type of story...nicely done! Brownie points for werewolves and not zombies. Best of Irish luck! |
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Reply: 11 - 25 |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: February 23rd, 2022, 9:40am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
Hi Writer
Comedy is not listed but the tone is comedic throughout, I hope that was intentional.
I like werewolves, and I kinda liked this story. He cheated on her so now she isn't going to turn him into a werewolf and love him forever, instead, she's just going to feast... but hungry brothers got in the way.
A bit sloppy in its execution and direction, awkward description and wooden dialogue. But overall not a bad effort |
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Reply: 12 - 25 |
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ReneC |
Posted: February 24th, 2022, 4:17pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
There's an interesting premise here but it didn't really engage me. Nobody behaves realistically, the dialogue is rough, the pace keeps slipping, and I didn't care about Bill at all so there's no impact for me. Good effort, it could be something with an overhaul. |
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Reply: 13 - 25 |
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PraneelNand |
Posted: February 24th, 2022, 4:27pm |
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January Project Group All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun
LocationTokyo, Japan Posts54 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hello, writer I enjoyed this one, easy to read and some good twists. I don't know if this is a love story though. Reads more like a story of revenge than a love story. The theme is the wrath he incurs, but I think it would've been more impactful if she was the one to kill him.
Yeah. He's shooting at us. He knows it's like I'm allergic to silver or something. If it touches my skin, it burns, and I bleed.
this line was a bit difficult to digest and could use some attention. overall it was a decent effort, although I don't see a love story and therefore doesn't meet the requirements for the challenge, I commend your effort and you write like a seasoned vet.
Great job on entering and all the best.
-Cheers |
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Reply: 14 - 25 |
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