The Attic - filmed :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Hi, CJ,

I've read the script a few times. Below is my categorized feedback.

Story

The concept is fine, though it feels like something I've seen before, and nothing new or very interesting was done with it here. The story didn't play with my expectations.

The script spends half its length setting up the backstory of David's family through expository, often awkward dialogue. It ends when the demon finally appears and the story starts to move forward. I would have liked to have seen David or Karen interact with the demon more, given the story implies that the demon took their father from them years ago. There's some interesting things you could do with that. As is the story is just "David is taken by the demon like his father before him."

Is the demon their grandmother's sister, or just some demon? It seemed implied that she's the demon, but the script never confirms this.

Theme

Thematically this seems to be a story about the seductive danger of adultery, and the consequences faced by both the adulterer and their family.

David's grandfather cheated with his wife's sister, and it's implied that David's grandmother then turned her sister into that perpetually hungry demon in the box. If that is what happened, I would have liked to have seen more evidence for it. Maybe have David or his sister also find something magic related, like a dusty old book of spells. Something the reader can latch on to instead of having to make assumptions about how the demon got there, and how it works, without evidence.

General Writing

The scene description generally read at a decent pace, though there were blocks that either weren't the clearest, or probably could have been shortened.

For example this:

"INSERT: A picture of a young man with two teen girls, dressed in 60s era outfits. Strangely one of the girls face is SCRATCHED out. Then another picture of the same girl with her face scratched off again...and another."

Could be shortened to this:

"Several faded photos of a man arm-in-arm with two plainly dressed teenage girls. One girl's face is altered in every photo, as if CARVED UP by razor."

One big thing that stuck out to me were all of the little grammar mistakes. There were several across the first two pages.

Page 1:

"Dust particles hover as the door CREAKS open. DAVID (25) gripping a broom and wastebasket, walks and dressed to clean. Looking around at the clutter he lets out long sigh."

"KAREN (O.S.)

Don't forget to pitch all the old
boxes and whatever else crap you
find!"

Page 2:

"Karen slams the door and a rush of wind blows the curtain back over the window. David, a sigh of resignation, gathers up a couple boxes - the bare lightbulb overhead begins to FLICKER."

There were moments towards the end where the demon's presence caused the lightbulb to flicker. It would have been more interesting if you'd established the lightbulb towards the start. Maybe mention David tried turning the light on, but it was dead. That way it's a little more frightening when the demon turns it on.

Short Version.

A good starting point, but I'm sure you can find some things to improve.