Dust by Kareline Castor - Short, Horror - When a Dust Bowl refugee must seek shelter overnight in an isolated homestead, the massive dust storms become the least of his worries after the eccentric homeowner transforms into a vicious beast. 11 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

There is a lot to like in your writing. You are very visual and do a great job of setting tone.

I am going to spend some time nitpicking the first two pages because I think you have a ton of talent and would hate to see you get bogged down by nitty stuff.

Quoted Text EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - EVENING SUPERIMPOSED: April 18, 1935 Somewhere in the Dust Bowl

Never open with a SUPER without some brief description unless you are opening OVER BLACK.
i.e., you have to tell us what you are superimposing over before you superimpose.

Also - you're wasting lines - you can get this done in one. It should go something like:


EXT. MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - EVENING

A wasteland.

The defiant last rays of the evening sun cast a golden hue
over the barren landscape.

The howling wind stirs up swirling ribbons of DUST.

SUPER: Somewhere in the Dust Bowl. April 18, 1935

Quoted Text A lonely HOMESTEAD stands 200 meters off the side of a gravel ROAD. A derelict WINDMILL and half-collapsed BARN erected nearby.

Don't need erected.

Quoted Text EXT. EMPTY ROAD, FACING EAST

I don't think you need FACING EAST - in fact I am sure of it. Give us the time instead and use something more visual than EMPTY. e.g.,

EXT. DESOLATE ROAD - DUSK

Quoted Text EXT. EMPTY ROAD, FACING WEST

Same issue as above

Quoted Text A TOWERING DUST STORM obscures the entire horizon. The menacing coal-colored cloud takes up the entire western sky, thousands of feet high, rolling in on itself. A giant black tidal wave hurling towards the earth.

Don't cap towering

Quoted Text EXT. DROUGHT-STRICKEN FARMLAND - MOMENTS LATER Jack sprints across the bone-dry prairie towards the ramshackle wooden HOUSE. Wagon wheels, old plows and machine parts half buried by dust and sand pepper the landscape.

If this structure is different than the HOMESTEAD you opened with - okay. If it is the same building - use the same description - HOMESTEAD

PS - if it isn't the same house - I really don't think you need the opening scene.

Quoted Text EXT. PORCH/DOORSTEP - CONTINUOUS Jack approaches the front of the home, the wooden porch creaks under his feet. He hesitates, then bangs on the door.

You don't ever really need to use CONTINUOUS - Also you probably can get away with just a mini slug there since you are still outside the home

WOODEN HOUSE - FRONT PORCH

Quoted Text JACK HELLO? Is anyone here?! (beat) Hello?!

I'd lose the CAPS on Hello and the !

Quoted Text INT. INSIDE THE HOME

You never need INSIDE - we know it is inside because the header is INT. Just

INT. HOUSE - DUSK

Quoted Text The INTERIOR of the home is like a still life photo... empty, eery, shrouded with a heavy silence. A fine layer of silt coats nearly every surface.

And you don't need to say interior in the description - also you are capping words way too much.  The above should simply be:

INT. HOUSE - DUSK

Like a still-life photo... Empty, eery, shrouded with a heavy silence. A fine layer of
silt coats nearly every surface.

Quoted Text Jack looks around with apprehension. He walks into the next room, the KITCHEN.

This should be:

Jack looks around with apprehension. He walks into the --

KITCHEN.

Going to stop here - again - these are just nitpicks you need to work at - your actual writing is beautiful - I am a fan.  

I am so unbelievably grateful for your thoughtful reply! I am very, very new to this and constructive criticism such as yours is especially welcomed! I appreciate the time you took to read my work and the additional time spent offering this extremely helpful feedback. Thank you so much for the kind words as well!! I will look forward to taking some time tonight and tweaking the script.

Very sincerely,
Kareline

Quoted from KCastor I am so unbelievably grateful for your thoughtful reply! I am very, very new to this and constructive criticism such as yours is especially welcomed! I appreciate the time you took to read my work and the additional time spent offering this extremely helpful feedback. Thank you so much for the kind words as well!! I will look forward to taking some time tonight and tweaking the script. Very sincerely, Kareline

My pleasure. Keep at it - you have the hardest part of writing already nailed down.

One more hint.

Look for all of your "is" and "are" to see if there is a crisper way to say it. e.g.,

Quoted Text A small wooden table is dead center. The walls are bare save for a couple cast iron pans.

Crisper is:

A small wooden table dead center. Bare walls, save
for a couple of cast iron pans.

Quoted Text There is a single metal framed BED at the far end of the room, a large quilt laying across it.

Crisper is:

A single metal framed BED adorned with a large quilt in one corner.

Also - get rid of the ing words where you can.

e.g.,

Quoted Text Jack listens, holding his breath. A beat.

Just -

Jack listens. Holds his breath.

ANd get rid of all your "beats" - You rarely need them as in most cases the pause is implied. When using in dialogue - you can be more creative with the parenthetical to make the point. e.g., this:

Quoted Text ROY That your truck out there? (beat) This is a small house, no where to hide. If you're here 'cause the storm, come on out. If you're here to rob me, you've picked the wrong place.

More meaningful as --

ROY
That your truck out there?
(scans the room)
This is a small house, no where to
hide. If you're here 'cause the
storm, come on out. If you're here
to rob me, you've picked the wrong
place.

Here is a link to a post I made on parentheticals with one section on BEATS - maybe it'll help.

https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-screenwrite/m-1553907192/s-0/

Anyway, if you are new to this, style wise you are light years ahead of most beginners. Stick with it. PM when your next draft is up and I'll take a look.

Quoted Text Anyway, if you are new to this, style wise you are light years ahead of most beginners. Stick with it. PM when your next draft is up and I'll take a look.

I absolutely will!! Thank you so much!

Quoted from KCastor I am so unbelievably grateful for your thoughtful reply! I am very, very new to this and constructive criticism such as yours is especially welcomed! I appreciate the time you took to read my work and the additional time spent offering this extremely helpful feedback. Thank you so much for the kind words as well!! I will look forward to taking some time tonight and tweaking the script. Very sincerely, Kareline

Kareline, I agree with all you say here. I’m new to this as well and Dave has been kind enough to read my work and give extremely helpful insight. So refreshing to see a group helping their “young” instead of eating them!  Thank you Dave, you’re the bomb! P. S. I agree with Dave, I love your writing. You have a gift. Cherish it and write on!

Quoted from kcranford Kareline, I agree with all you say here. I’m new to this as well and Dave has been kind enough to read my work and give extremely helpful insight. So refreshing to see a group helping their “young” instead of eating them!  Thank you Dave, you’re the bomb! P. S. I agree with Dave, I love your writing. You have a gift. Cherish it and write on!

Thanks!

Hi,
Gave this one a couple reads.
First off, I will say that I did enjoy the story.
I haven't read the others' feedback so hopefully I won't sound too repetitive.
One suggestion would be to make the action/descriptions more succinct. I found myself just reading the first sentence of most of the lines, so that's an indicator that less words are needed to get the action points across.
Also, I found the usage of "beat" kind of annoying/distracting. It showed up on almost every page.
The outcome or Roy actually being the beast could be seen coming but that didn't bother me.
So really, I find it to be a good short, just needs some tightening.

Quoted from Arundel Hi, Gave this one a couple reads. First off, I will say that I did enjoy the story. I haven't read the others' feedback so hopefully I won't sound too repetitive. One suggestion would be to make the action/descriptions more succinct. I found myself just reading the first sentence of most of the lines, so that's an indicator that less words are needed to get the action points across. Also, I found the usage of "beat" kind of annoying/distracting. It showed up on almost every page. The outcome or Roy actually being the beast could be seen coming but that didn't bother me. So really, I find it to be a good short, just needs some tightening.

Hi Arundel!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story! Your feedback was consistent with the rest, which I can certainly appreciate! I've gone through and made a lot of adjustments to the action lines, removed the beats, etc... needless to say, everyone's thoughtful reviews have been extremely helpful!

As far as the Roy/Beast element, in an earlier draft I actually had Jack discover a note before the beast breaks in that says something to the effect of "Sorry I didn't warn you. I'm just so goddamn tired of eating jackrabbits. -Roy" But I scrapped it. I honestly hadn't really intended it to be a twist or reveal, though it just sort of naturally set itself up that way since... well, Roy isn't exactly just going to offer up to his guest that he's essentially a werewolf. It is something I have considered adjusting!

Thank you again for your time and thoughtful review--it is very sincerely appreciated!!