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Perfect Strangers by John Stone - Short, Romance - A wrong person message leads to a budding relationship, before the conversation is brought to a halt. 5 pages - pdf format
I understand Modi speaks with non-fluent / limited English but if it were me I'd use conventional speech and just make a note of that in a parenthetical. If you don't get the feel and sound of this perfectly it tends to make the writer sound like they are the one without a firm grasp of the English language. Perhaps focus on one or two particular words she gets wrong?
I also would add probably another page of banter. I wanted more. Scam calls and texts often start in this manner so adding conflict could work at first - e.g. I've no idea who you are, and I'm deleting this number. Modi skips to offering to show Leonardo around her home town too quickly imho. I wanted a bit more buildup and gradual escalation to flirting etc.
The physicality of the two and the dramatic irony I would play up more.
iPhone advertisements grate on me. Can we not just have them using cellphones without the branding?
Imoji v emoji?
I love the set up. I love simple slice of life scripts - two characters, dialogue driven, and the dramatic irony injected into the situation is terrific but I think it could be played with more.
I suggest you follow up on some of your planted dialogue: Leonardo says 'just coffee'? Modi effectively ignores this blatant suggestive remark. Skip to her asking his name without the preamble. And I think you could add some visual cues - perhaps her blushing, looking around the carriage, maybe she glances at him, quickly looks away, he does the same, but at different moments as they look at the reply texts - them still not realising they are speaking to each other.
The ending is terrific with them both oblivious but I think I might have liked it if you took it even further - As the train comes to a stop, she stands directly behind him. - love that! They walk in opposite directions then he takes a look at her photo again walks on, and then does a double-take, but of course she's gone.
This would make for a nice stepping-off point to a feature. He texts her or calls her but her number no longer answers.
Just my humble observations. I really enjoyed this!
I understand Modi speaks with non-fluent / limited English but if it were me I'd use conventional speech and just make a note of that in a parenthetical. If you don't get the feel and sound of this perfectly it tends to make the writer sound like they are the one without a firm grasp of the English language. Perhaps focus on one or two particular words she gets wrong?
I also would add probably another page of banter. I wanted more. Scam calls and texts often start in this manner so adding conflict could work at first - e.g. I've no idea who you are, and I'm deleting this number. Modi skips to offering to show Leonardo around her home town too quickly imho. I wanted a bit more buildup and gradual escalation to flirting etc.
The physicality of the two and the dramatic irony I would play up more.
iPhone advertisements grate on me. Can we not just have them using cellphones without the branding?
Imoji v emoji?
I love the set up. I love simple slice of life scripts - two characters, dialogue driven, and the dramatic irony injected into the situation is terrific but I think it could be played with more.
I suggest you follow up on some of your planted dialogue: Leonardo says 'just coffee'? Modi effectively ignores this blatant suggestive remark. Skip to her asking his name without the preamble. And I think you could add some visual cues - perhaps her blushing, looking around the carriage, maybe she glances at him, quickly looks away, he does the same, but at different moments as they look at the reply texts - them still not realising they are speaking to each other.
The ending is terrific with them both oblivious but I think I might have liked it if you took it even further - As the train comes to a stop, she stands directly behind him. - love that! They walk in opposite directions then he takes a look at her photo again walks on, and then does a double-take, but of course she's gone.
This would make for a nice stepping-off point to a feature. He texts her or calls her but her number no longer answers.
Just my humble observations. I really enjoyed this!
Thank you Libby for the comments and excellent advice.
I have cleared a few minor details up like Emoji (idiot me) ha!
Also I have made it clearer regarding her poor use of English language.
I also like the idea of yours regarding the glance at Leonardo and her embarrassment at his cheeky reply.
I still haven't worked out how I can tweak the ending to make it more interesting. I will have to think about that one a bit longer, but I get your ideas totally.
Thank you so much for your input. I will also check those links you posted with your comments.
Groundbreaking scripts:
The Pearl Earring No Time For Love Two Moons Betrayal
John, I really liked the setup of this short. Kind of your take on “Serendipity”. The only nits I have are pretty much echoing what Libby said. Modi’s stilted speech is a bit awkward, although I realized right away what you were trying to convey. And the imoji vs. emoji - I thought maybe that was the British way of spelling it LOL. Also, I love Libby’s idea for an alternative ending. I would love to see this piece produced. It hits all the marks for budget friendly, 2 characters and a single location. Really hoping someone will grab this up. As always, it is a pleasure to read your work.
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John, I really liked the setup of this short. Kind of your take on “Serendipity”. The only nits I have are pretty much echoing what Libby said. Modi’s stilted speech is a bit awkward, although I realized right away what you were trying to convey. And the imoji vs. emoji - I thought maybe that was the British way of spelling it LOL. Also, I love Libby’s idea for an alternative ending. I would love to see this piece produced. It hits all the marks for budget friendly, 2 characters and a single location. Really hoping someone will grab this up. As always, it is a pleasure to read your work.
Kathy.
Many thanks for your comments. Much appreciated. Modi's speech is in fact text, that's why it is written in italics. I have explained this with a revised version uploaded earlier today.
She is a foreign student from Singapore. The text of her messages are just an example of how she deals with the language. The conversation with Leonardo is true and happened to me, but whilst I was at home playing online chess. The words chosen are her exact words, not mine. But I am very happy you enjoyed the script for what it is. Of course I could go further, but I did end the conversation with her based upon an uploaded photo which I quickly realised was an unblemished AI image. Best.
Groundbreaking scripts:
The Pearl Earring No Time For Love Two Moons Betrayal
Dear John, triffic - a modern take on Sliding doors. Low cost, small cast (ish non speaking extras) I can see this being snapped up to be made. Best of luck - JtF
JtF. Thanks for the comments. Fingers crossed it’s picked up by an astute short filmmaker. I’d just love to see this one played out visually. Best John
Groundbreaking scripts:
The Pearl Earring No Time For Love Two Moons Betrayal
John, feel free to reject all this if you want. Or, at least bear in mind on top of other feedback you get. I hope you get more btw cause I'd like to hear other people's opinions.
Some of the dialogue for both characters could still be ramped up a bit imho. The non-fluent English still doesn't work entirely for me and at times Leonardo appears to sound also like English is not his first language.
LEONARDO Who is Modi? I don't know you.
I think it might be a more natural response that he say straight off: Sorry, you must have the wrong number. Or: I don't know anyone called Modi.
I know this story is based on fact so it's going to mean a lot to you but translating conversations from real life without embellishment doesn't necessarily make for riveting dialogue.
As Alfred Hitchcock once said, “Drama is life with all the boring bits cut out."
Here's an example of a text I got from 'David':
Hi there, I spoke to you this morning over the Mazda 3 Max. Have you got a spec sheet on the car you can photograph and send to me Thanks David.
I wrote back: You have the wrong number David.
He wrote back: Oops sorry. 😊
I finished with: No probs. End of exchange.
If I'd responded at some point with: are you perhaps in the market for anything else? I come with low mileage and have only one previous owner, that could have set us on an entirely different path. 😄
Instead it was polite and boring cause we didn't continue to chat.
What I'm saying is not all natural conversation translates well to the written page, and imitating or directly transcribing from a real conversation (even if it can teach us about rhythm and cultivate a good ear,)can result in awkward exchanges.
I know I run the risk of you rejecting this advice because this exchange obviously means a lot to you. However, you as a writer should use your experience as a stepping off point only imh. It's a great premise - two strangers engaging in conversation which turns flirty and is full of possibilities. The fact it's set on a train where the two people are actually texting right in front of each other (unbeknownst to them) adds yet another layer and something extra special. The fact there are other people around, again another layer. So use all that to full advantage.
I still maintain though that you have to make that dialogue sing; infuse it with the unexpected, add more humour, have Leo really lay on the charm after his initial hesitancy and suspicion etc.
On another note, following this last exchange:
MODI Me too. I'm sorry for disturbing you. Hope we can keep in touch if you have no problem. It's nice to talk with you.
And then the Voice Over.
He ends the chat and climbs to his feet. You need to begin this sentence with his name - Leonardo ends the chat... But what did he do there? Did he have a chance to text anything to close on, like: Sure... Or: You too... Or did he just have to hop-to and be frustrated that that is the end of that?
I also really think you need a reason for his phone falling out of his hand. Otherwise it's too deus ex machina.
She follows him off the train when his phone slips out of his hand...
Wouldn't it be more amusing and ironic if him gazing at her photo, causes her to bump into him cause he's mesmerised? And that's when he drops his phone?
She's clearly oblivious. Then perhaps a split second of eye contact and - then she's gone!
Their eyes meet, when together, they bend down to reach for the phone. He gasps as his eyes follow her when she walks off.
That reads awkwardly from one action to another. I'd make that second line a new sentence (new shot) her walking away, texting. Cause otherwise it's too abrupt and I didn't get the segue clearly.
Love the premise! And I too would love to see this filmed. But I still think it needs extra.
P.S. The Nina Alum line. Is that her name? Or they studied together, or what?
Very good Libby, and thanks for giving Don a nudge to get the revised version up.
Though I do disagree with some of your comments, though other points are valid: The language, for me, is spot on since text speak and actual speak are quite different as many people do not write down necessarily the way they might say it out loud. For example: Leonardo's opening line - "Who’s Modi? I don’t know you." This is a reaction due to her interference with his online chess game. However it is because of her polite follow up text that he warms and engages her and entices a conversation, rather than continue his online game of chess as this little game is much more interesting, right?
You are right about the dropping of the phone it should have been explained better. The thing is that this is just a short silent film and nothing more, though I do respect your comments and take on board your opinions. Tbh I have too many projects ongoing to dwell on whether somebody should say something in a particular way. Dialogue is usually my strength, and if you read some of my projects you may begin to realise this eventually. Many thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Best
Groundbreaking scripts:
The Pearl Earring No Time For Love Two Moons Betrayal