The Volunteer by Christopher Andre - Short, Sci Fi - In a future world where everybody lives in an underground tyranny, a survivor of a terrorist attack volunteers to seek out survivors on the surface to start a revolution and possibly find out what lies out there. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Christopher

I am making tahe assumption from the layout of this script that you are a novice and this is one of the first scripts you have written... ialso will make theassumption from the language and grammar of the script, that you are young.

there is a story here, but your spelling, the inconsistent use, and non use of capitals, and the basic format errors of the script would have most people switched off half way down page one. The vocabulary needs improving a lot. I would quote and give specific examples, but im writing this on a pad in an airport at the moment.

But I do want to say that you should continue to read and write scripts, learn about the formatting intricacies and when you write, have a read, then re read, then get someone to proof read before yiu submit it.

You have stories to tell. You just have to learn how to make your stories readable so others will read them.

All the best

Chris

Hi Christopher,

Chris is right, there are quite a few errors here.  You really need to sit down and go over it again.  And I think because there were a lot of errors, I didn't understand what was happening.  I was too focused on all the issues with the writing and couldn't really get into the story.  

It seemed like there could be something really interesting there, but it has to be cleaned up.  I am writing this before I go to work so I don't have time to point out some issues, but I will do that later today when I have more time.  Take a few minutes to do a thorough proof read and I'm sure you'll notice a few of the mistakes yourself.

Nolan

Christopher,

Some notes.

I'm not sure how the opening scene ties in with the rest of the story with the exception of the same character.  After the explosion we enter some sort of dystopian future where the protag has to break out of the underground prison.  You make some use of graphic language, but while it's somewhat surprising, it seems to have little to do with the story.  Then, the story dies with no satisfying ending.  

Others have pointed out the language and formatting issues.  Keep reading and analyzing good screenplays, and you'll improve.

Best
Richard

Hey Christopher,

I'd recommend maybe putting your next piece in the Work In Progress section, just so people can help you with the formatting et al. I'm relatively new here but that was my first port of call, and I reckon I would have quit before I'd got going if it wasn't for the help of the other folk around the site.

As things stand your story is going to get lost in amongst all the comments regarding the writing, which is a shame as I think there could be something in this. To me the work didn't so much feel like a short story, but rather an intro. Maybe the ending needs to be cleaned up and fully finalised.

Anyway, I think it's worth you re-working it, definitely don't run away and leave it. Check out other people's scripts for standard formatting technique and work it in.

Cheers

Cam

Hi Christopher, first of all - DON'T BE DISCOURAGED! Screenwriting is not easy...it requires reading an intense writing and rewriting. You have a good grasp of the story, read professional scripts (you'll find here on SS), follow the suggestions of other writers and rewrite and polish....rewrite and polish....At the end of this process, you'll see the difference.
All my best,
Fausto

P.S. Be careful with using too many POVs.