Thanks  for the read guys. I'm getting some excellent suggestions on this one. I think I'll really be able to turn it into something great.

James, thanks for the pick up on "cover", horrible, just horrible!

Starting off:

Quoted Text EXT. LOG CABIN - NIGHT The only residence for miles, hidden below a thick canopy of ancient trees. A chimney releases smoke into the night air

A residence among ancient trees? Sounds like a pain in the arse to get the permits required to make a set and film anywhere inside an old growth forest.

I mention this because you're Australian, and the best chance you have getting a short made is locally.  

Unless you mean the forest is dark and brooding.. and appears somewhat ancient, like many forests of Germany are.

Then:

Quoted Text Pigs sleep restfully in a muddy pen.

Putting pigs in a pen in a protected reserve to film them. Probably impossible to do in Australia.

Trees in Australia are mostly Eucalyptus trees, and Eucalyptus trees (as many residents in California have recently found out) reproduce by burning down. Eucalyptus trees produce oil which burns very easily.

So finding "ancient trees" in Australia will most likely be extremely hard.. as there are not many of them around.. and the really old ancient forests will be protected with a fuckload of government legislation.

Then:

Quoted Text Small animals scurry for cover as Alfred makes his way through the dense bush.

Not in Australia. You can't have small non-native animals scurry freely about in protected Australian old growth forests. I doubt you could hire native animals and their handlers either. It would be too expensive for something so unnecessary.

Summary:

This is the third screenplay of yours I've read.

I believe it is the second one where the female significant other, or wife, gets axed to death, by the husband/partner. Your subconscious seems to be motivated in telling you something.

At least the overall story is something possibly viable.. this time.

The bitchy wife is too one-dimensional and shallow of a character. If wife wanted to fuck up her husband's entire life perspective she'll do it masterfully, with great cunning and mind games. Your wife is cartoonish.

Spending money on the CGI required to make this short, going through years of government red tape to get it made where you want it made (which imo will ultimately prove fruitless)... this is just another waste of time.

And from what I've seen, this is a common theme of your scripts:

Quoted Text MADELEINE There is nothing left for you here. A failing marriage, a mundane life.

Which is why the wives you write always seem to get the axe, and you never creatively deviate from themes where a wife gets the axe.

You need to stop introducing female characters where you mainly focus on their perfect looks, or their perfect beauty. Feminists don't like that, and a lot of industry types are feminists.. male and female.

I don't agree with feminists on many things, but I can respect their opinions on this issue of introducing female characters.

Female characters must be far more than their looks. Give them real love, and real character.


But really.. a wife gets axed to death by her husband in the middle of nowhere.

Pass.

Quoted from TheWarddd Starting off: A residence among ancient trees? Sounds like a pain in the arse to get the permits required to make a set and film anywhere inside an old growth forest. I mention this because you're Australian, and the best chance you have getting a short made is locally.   Unless you mean the forest is dark and brooding.. and appears somewhat ancient, like many forests of Germany are. Then: Putting pigs in a pen in a protected reserve to film them. Probably impossible to do in Australia. Trees in Australia are mostly Eucalyptus trees, and Eucalyptus trees (as many residents in California have recently found out) reproduce by burning down. Eucalyptus trees produce oil which burns very easily. So finding "ancient trees" in Australia will most likely be extremely hard.. as there are not many of them around.. and the really old ancient forests will be protected with a fuckload of government legislation. Then: Not in Australia. You can't have small non-native animals scurry freely about in protected Australian old growth forests. I doubt you could hire native animals and their handlers either. It would be too expensive for something so unnecessary. Summary: This is the third screenplay of yours I've read. I believe it is the second one where the female significant other, or wife, gets axed to death, by the husband/partner. Your subconscious seems to be motivated in telling you something. At least the overall story is something possibly viable.. this time. The bitchy wife is too one-dimensional and shallow of a character. If wife wanted to fuck up her husband's entire life perspective she'll do it masterfully, with great cunning and mind games. Your wife is cartoonish. Spending money on the CGI required to make this short, going through years of government red tape to get it made where you want it made (which imo will ultimately prove fruitless)... this is just another waste of time. And from what I've seen, this is a common theme of your scripts: Which is why the wives you write always seem to get the axe, and you never creatively deviate from themes where a wife gets the axe. You need to stop introducing female characters where you mainly focus on their perfect looks, or their perfect beauty. Feminists don't like that, and a lot of industry types are feminists.. male and female. I don't agree with feminists on many things, but I can respect their opinions on this issue of introducing female characters. Female characters must be far more than their looks. Give them real love, and real character. But really.. a wife gets axed to death by her husband in the middle of nowhere. Pass.

I've had 6 shorts filmed all in either the States or UK, you are clearly talking from experience with that one. Oh I haven't asked, do you mind if I see your produced work?

Why is everything about filming capability? I wrote this for a friend who wanted a script. It is never a waste of time to write. I write for the love of writing. Getting things filmed is a bonus.

Correct, I do love a good axe murder.

Her looks and beauty are perfect because she is made up, he isn't going to imagine some old hag to spend his life with, he gets that at home already. You clearly struggle with imagination, odd you should pick screenwriting as a hobby.

Another great review, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Quoted from Warren do you mind if I see your produced work?

You'll see Burn when it's made. That's all I want you to see.

Quoted Text Why is everything about filming capability?

We're screenwriters. Not writers.

Everything we do is to be made and seen on a screen.. otherwise we're pretenders.

Quoted Text Her looks and beauty are perfect because she is made up, he isn't going to imagine some old hag to spend his life with, he gets that at home already.

It's still shallow. Looks aren't enough.

Does the fairy even caress the guy, or show him deep affection.

I honestly don't recall..but I doubt it.

Quoted Text You clearly struggle with imagination, odd you should pick screenwriting as a hobby.

In my screenplay the 1st scene I had a boy rail slide downstairs with a stolen beer in his hand. He didn't spill a drop.

Clearly I don't struggle with imagination. I doubt anyone has done this, and it will look so fucking cool.

My struggle is with giving a shit about small details that ultimately mean nothing.

Produce my stuff.. and it's golden. It's all that matters.

Mediocre IKYABWAI attempt, in any case.

Quoted Text Another great review, thanks for sharing your thoughts.

You'll always be welcome to them.

Cheers, well there's heaps more on here, knock yourself out.

Warren

You can obviously write so technically this reads well and moves along nicely; no issues.

Just a quick note and I could be wrong but I think your top margin is incorrect. The text starts too high up on the page.

EDITH
Spit it out, you fool!

- Jesus, this woman is hard work!

“EXT. FOREST – DAY

Alfred charges through the bush with utter determination.”

- Is he a little too quickly ready and prepared to carry out murder? Although impressive, Madeleine has only produced a fish thus far. Perhaps we could see her do more in order to justify Alfred’s willingness.

EXT. THATCHED HUT – NIGHT

The forest opens on a small hut.
Dim light illuminates the few windows.
Alfred stands hidden as he looks on at the structure.

ALFRED
This is it.

- I’m curious if Alfred knew about the witch prior. Is her presence common knowledge or was he directed to her hut by Madeleine? It seems like it’s the former. If so, then a fairy should be of no real surprise to him...yet he jumped out of his skin. The existence of one would sort of give credence to the other. Just wondered...Then again, all this could be part of some hallucination/dream...reading on...

I kind of figured Madeleine was not to be trusted, too good to be true, right? And Alfred was under her spell. Still, he got to stick an axe in his bit?h wife of his, how bad I love the closing image of him submarine and smiling, the man died happy at least.

Alternatively, was all this part of Alfred’s twisted (though oh so satisfying) fantasy? I guess him in the river at the end would suggest that Madeleine never existed at all. Did you mean to leave it ambiguous or intended a specific interpretation? I’d like to believe it was the former.

Either way, nice job with this.

Col.

Thanks for the read, Col.

Everything is formatted in Final Draft so if it’s out I blame my software.

I definitely think I need to expand on Madeleine and Alfred’s relationship. Most people seem to think it needs some work so I will address that in the rewrite.

You got it, Madeleine wasn’t real and it was all a fantasy. At the end of the day it was a murder/suicide.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Seems to be a bit of this going on at the moment, but Away with the Fairies just got optioned to be made into a 3D animation.

Congratulations! Having just read it for the first time I can honestly say it was thoroughly enjoyable.

Quoted from Marvin Congratulations! Having just read it for the first time I can honestly say it was thoroughly enjoyable.

Thanks, appreciate it