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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Timmy: Customer Service - WT
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  Author    Timmy: Customer Service - WT  (currently 3120 views)
ajr
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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So it really bothers me that this just ends abruptly, however it does tick all the boxes for me - sci-fi, in a supermarket, with someone who never tells the truth. I do like the writer's take on the lying - typical teenager looking to cause trouble, a bully even, however in the future where everything is automated, this is how you bully people. Or androids. Very dystopian in a way.

And the lack of humor relative to its counterpart is not a problem for me, because the category is sci-fi, not comedy.

Good job writer, just wish you had added an ending.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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stevie
Posted: March 21st, 2018, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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When I read this the first time I didn't realise that lying was one of the criteria - I thought Jake was just stirring the robot up lol.

Yeah what is it with robots every time a genre has to be sci-fi? They are old hat now and boring. Anyway this was ok. Ended abruptly.



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ScottM
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Another fairly decent read.

More comments about comedy vs. Sci-fi which really confuses me. It can be both and still be Sci-fi.

The ending left a bit to be desired and I probably enjoyed the other script more, but well done on entering.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 3:38am Report to Moderator
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Customer Service

Short notes: the general idea of a character tricking and cheating robots is solid. This version hasn't enough meat, but hell did you have a hard topic and I'll consider that for sure. Good job fighting through here.

story (0-5): 3

character (0-5): 3

presentation (0-5): 2

total: 8



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LC
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 4:31am Report to Moderator
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Bit of an anti-climax but I liked it overall, a lot. Androids as checkout chicks, well as staff anyway.

Loved the world you set up and Jake was terrific. I was expecting you to deliver a bit more but it wasn't bad where you left it.


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: March 22nd, 2018, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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A teenage boy JAKE (15) ...
The punctuation here is wrong. Please add a comma before and after JAKE. Or... you could just delete the entire "teenage boy" description.

Jake's very name, coupled with the fact that you're already telling us he's 15, means that your entire descriptor could and should be deleted. It literally adds no information and only wastes text space. This advice could be applied as generally where applicable. I don't think the script is overwritten and such redundancies weren't common in the script at all, but getting rid of them in future/longer scripts would help tighten up your prose and considerably improve readability at no expense of information.

Minor nit: the irate passenger, minor though he maybe, gets no introduction. As written, it's as if he literally just "appears" to say his line and leave. I realize he was probably meant to be one of the people in the "autonomous cars," but still.

Speaking of autonomous cars, the sci-fi setting here is basically non-existent during this initial scene. Autonomous cars are literally the only thing that makes me think this takes place in a sci-fi setting, and even then it's a rather vague descriptor. I suppose cases appearing at regular intervals could count too, but IMO, it's simply not enough. I realize there's an android in the second scene, but I think your first scene should ideally make a clearer sci-fi impression on the reader, even if it's a "near future" that you're trying to portray.

Speaking of which:   He has the unrealistically perfect proportions and irritatingly friendly expression typical of an older model. I have no problems with the initial description here (could do with fewer adverbs) but what the hell is an "older model" and what is even the context for that? An older model of android? An old-school 50s pin-up? There is zero indication of what you mean here. It's an unfilmable of the worst kind in that it tries to world-build without the actual world-building.

As for the actual story... I don't quite get why Jake was being such an asshole to Timmy, but he deserved to go through that window even if Timmy's just a robot. I liked the dialogue exchange and I liked that there was a punchline, I just didn't quite understand Jake's motivation for trolling the robot... is it because he hates robots or because he's just a jerk? Not sure what to say beyond that. lol. I didn't dislike the script; it was harmless. I just have little to say on it, story-wise. It did meet the parameters perfectly, which is nice.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ReaperCreeper  -  March 22nd, 2018, 11:14am
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FrankM
Posted: March 23rd, 2018, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hi everyone, sorry for the delay but this one was mine.

First and foremost, I appreciate the reads, the feedback, and that some of you even voted for my story.

This script's primary problem was that it was up against a hilarious rival. Apparently when Tommy was in the back he encountered an asteroid.

The story was supposed to end right there, but I utterly failed to draw the image for the reader. The intended meaning would look like:


Quoted from HOW IT SHOULD HAVE ENDED: Customer Service
Jake lands on the sidewalk, bleeding badly.

TAMMY
Medical emergency! I will summon an ambulance. Please remain calm.

TIMMY
This young lady is allergic to ambulances.

Jake moans in protest, but no intelligible words come out.
FADE OUT.


I wasn't the only writer to forget a closing FACE OUT, but in this case it caused serious confusion. Truly sorry about that.

The story wasn't meant to be ha-ha funny, more like a really short episode of The Outer Limits. If you clenched a fist and said "YES!" when Jake got his just desserts, you understood the story

I am going to revise this and send it in as sci-fi short, taking into account that my description of the setting needs considerably more detail. This seems to be a recurring problem with my early drafts. Without the constraint of zero truth-telling, it will be a little easier to use Jake for a bit of exposition. We'll also spend a little longer with Jake after his accident.

Don't worry, he's still a lying turd and there's no chance you'll suddenly have any sympathy for him

Might take a while to get it in, I'm currently traveling. And besides I want a better title.

Looking forward to reading/voting for the rest of this tournament, and hopefully I'll make it further next time.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
FrankM  -  March 24th, 2018, 12:22am
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TheUsualSuspect
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


This script's primary problem was that it was up against a hilarious rival.


Hey, I appreciate that.

I do find it oddly funny how we both managed to have characters named Tommy in our scripts. I look forward to reading the re-write.


A Picture Is Worth

If you want me to read your script, send me a link.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReaperCreeper


Jake's very name, coupled with the fact that you're already telling us he's 15, means that your entire descriptor could and should be deleted. It literally adds no information and only wastes text space.


Excellent, well said.


Quoted from ReaperCreeper

I don't think the script is overwritten...


Huh?


This proves what I've suspected all along. Many writers don't know what overwriting actually is. Overwriting is not about how many words are on the page, or how many lines there are. It is about writing unnecessary and repetitive information. That's it. If you want to spend 30 seconds building a visual image of flowers blowing in the wind, and can find the words to do so without being repetitive and unnecessary, then you're fine.

Clearly, adding 'teenager' and then telling us the age in brackets is overwriting. So the script is overwritten.
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FrankM
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
Clearly, adding 'teenager' and then telling us the age in brackets is overwriting. So the script is overwritten.


The passage is overwritten, but this is like saying one typo makes an entire script "sloppy."


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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FrankM
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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In case anyone is curious, the kernel of the story is extrapolating two trends:

1. People put too much faith in the safety of their technology. Seriously, who hasn't thrust their arm into a closing elevator? This manifests in both crossing the street and getting in the android's face.

2. Machines do bizarre things when they rely on conflicting information. On July 2, 2013, a Russian Proton-M rocket failed in a terrifying manner when half of its attitude sensors were installed upside down. In hindsight, the rocket's reaction made perfect sense: the only way to make all of the sensors report the same vertical velocity was to turn and fly sideways.

Combine these trends about twenty years from now with a troll like Jake and you get a broken window.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from FrankM


The passage is overwritten, but this is like saying one typo makes an entire script "sloppy."


I have no reason to assume it's a single error. Usually, this indicates more of the same throughout. Which is beside the point. My point was only meant to illustrate what overwriting actually is.
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FrankM
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


I have no reason to assume it's a single error. Usually, this indicates more of the same throughout.


I appreciate your feedback because you can put a name (and often a path to a remedy) where I have little more than an inkling something was wrong. Your comment that time just struck me as unfairly generalizing.

At least to my eye, there is very little other overwriting in the script. That said, of the four speaking characters, one had that overwriting, one had an unfilmable in the description, and one lacked any introduction at all. So your intuition is correct that this “vomit draft” is a trainwreck of technical issues... it’s just not systematically overwritten.


Feature-length scripts:
Who Wants to Be a Princess? (Family)
Glass House (Horror anthology)

TV pilots:
"Kord" (Fantasy)
"Mal Suerte" (Superhero)

Additional scripts are listed here.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 24th, 2018, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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I haven't got time to go through your whole script atm, so here's an example from page 1:

Code

Across the street, someone stacks cases of drinks just inside
the window of a supermarket. The cases appear at regular
intervals. Very regular intervals.



Across the street, SOMEONE stacks cases of drinks at regular
intervals just inside the window of a supermarket.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 4:23am Report to Moderator
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More from the same page:

Code

Jake jogs across the street toward that supermarket. Several
autonomous cars slow down and swerve to avoid him.



We already know where the supermarket is. Plus 'street' is in the slug.

Jake jogs toward the supermarket. Several
autonomous cars slow down and swerve to avoid him.

Code

He has the unrealistically perfect proportions and irritatingly 
friendly expression typical of an older model.



Unrealistically and irritatingly in one sentence is very amateur. I get that a face can be irritating but why the 'ly' modifier? 'Typical of an older model' is unfilmable.

Here's the whole block:

Code

Just inside the window, an android in a store uniform labeled
TIMMY stacks cases of drinks. He has the unrealistically
perfect proportions and irritatingly friendly expression
typical of an older model.



It needs a restructure. Maybe an angry customer punches the android in the face just for looking at him and being over-nice, or something... this would show how irritating the android can be. I'm finding it hard to imagine an android with perfect proportions as you haven't described it other than that. What are perfect proportions? 'Perfect proportions' is actually lazy and a tell. You need to show what perfect proportions are. Perhaps you could describe the android as being a man-sized Ken doll, this nails perfect and irritating all in one image, IMO. The above action block shows instances of both under and overwriting.


I could go on... but, as you said, this is a vomit draft... however it is an overwritten script.

I've done several drafts of scripts, polished them till I could see my face in them..... and still, upon a fresh read a few days later I will find an instance of overwriting. Overwriting is in regard to wasted words, not how many words are on the page. Some think this means taking out 'ands' and replacing them with commas.... because they've seen it done. However, this is a tool to help action appear faster and should only be used when the flow calls for it. Not as a general rule with the belief it helps one write better.
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