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  Author    Inescapable  (currently 3171 views)
Don
Posted: September 8th, 2018, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Inescapable by Matthew Lincoln - Short, Sci-fi, Horror, Thriller, Action - A kidnapped CEO of a robotics company finds himself hunted by a droid programmed to kill him. 23 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  January 2nd, 2019, 4:35pm
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eldave1
Posted: September 9th, 2018, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Hey, mate - took a look at the first few pages - seems like a cool concept - some clean-up is needed.


- either put the Doyle quote on the title page or in the actual script as a SUPER

- No need for the extra space between page 2 and 3


Quoted Text
The Nightly News plays.

NEWS ANCHOR (V.O.)
This is Channel 9 news with
Breaking news. The CEO of Palmer
Robotics, Robert Foster, has been
reported missing. He was last
spotted leaving the nightclub Tech
Noir...


No need to tell us what we are hearing. You don't need "]The Nightly News plays."

Quoted Text

INT. FACTORY-NIGHT


Should be:

INT. FACTORY - NIGHT

Space after factory and before Night - an issue in all your scene headings


Quoted Text
We find ourselves in a large, spacious factory. It’s a
decrepit joint that looks as if it’s been around for years,
decades maybe.


A style thing I guess. But not a fan of the we find ourselves. Better as:

A large and spacious decrepit joint that's decades old.

Also - you don't need to repeat a location in your description that is in your header - i.e. Factory.

IMO - don't waste the space on the We stuff and the asides - if it's important - describe decrepit e.g., cracked concrete floors, rusty I-beams, etc.


Quoted Text
MAN
SOMEBODY HELP! LET ME OUT! HELP!


No need for CAPS.  The ! already gets the job done.

Best of luck with this



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  September 9th, 2018, 11:48am
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MatthewLincoln
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eldave1,

Thanks a lot for the feedback. At some point, I'm going to look through the script and I'll make those changes.

MatthewLincoln
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eldave1
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No problem


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DustinBowcot
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Code

He looks at the logo, baffled. He’s in one of his own
buildings but has look of one who’s never seen this place
before.



This is a tell. How do we know it is one of his own buildings?

Code

Foster’s photo, and that of another MAN(40’s) are the only
pictures that aren’t crossed out. 



Unnecessary info. We would have figured this out from the line before.

Code

 exoskeleton-like 



It is an exoskeleton. It isn't 'like' one.

Code

As Foster’s about to move, He hears a sound. A faint BEEPING
SOUND.



Why not just call it a beeping sound? Why repeat that he hears a sound twice?

Code

He looks around to see what it is, but the sound is
quickly drowned out by a loud, and mechanical.



A loud and mechanical what?

Code

As Foster’s about to move, He hears a sound. A faint BEEPING
SOUND. He looks around to see what it is, but the sound is
quickly drowned out by a loud, and mechanical. There’s an
strange hiss to it.



A faint beep jerks Foster's head to the right. The beep is drowned by
a loud and mechanical hiss.


Code

It GROWS louder. It’s coming. His. Way.



Stop with the uppercase shite. It's only supposed to be for sound effects and that was in the old days. You're mixing it all up and it's wrong. It's not even right when it's right, it's still wrong. The full stops before every word... a novelists trick. You don't need those tricks in a screenplay... plus you haven't pulled it off correctly anyway.

This is where I run out of time.

Good luck.
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Nomad
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I'm going to read through the whole thing before I dissect it.  
Sometimes the whole is greater than the sum of its parts...

Unfortunately, that's not the case here.

I guess my biggest question is, why?
What's the point of this story?
Did you write this for fun?
Is this a writing exercise?
Is this a piece on the pitfalls of greed?
Are you saying that unchecked automation will lead to the downfall of society?

All of these are valid reasons to write something like this.  I'm just curious as to your "why".

There's a lot wrong with the plot, the writing, and the overall structure of the script.
I'd venture to say you're a new writer and are trying out new things.

But there's nothing all that new here.

It's a bit of Terminator, Oblivion, and I, Robot all mixed together with an aperitif of Law Abiding Citizen.
The scenes where Foster was chased by the Nemesis dragged on for way to long.  
The whole script could be shortened to about 10 pages and not lose anything.

I applaud your effort, but this falls short for me.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
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MatthewLincoln
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Nomad,

Thanks for the read. I understand it didn't work for you. I'll try to address your points. You asked why I wrote it? It was a combination of all of those. I wanted to write a short that was largely driven by action/visuals as opposed to driven by dialogue. So it was a bit of a writing exercise. I wanted to have fun, too since I love the movie The Terminator, and wanted to do my own version of it.

The core story is that of a man who schemes to acquire a company/technology, and is ultimately hunted by the very technology he sought to steal. That's the essence of the Doyle quote at the beginning.

As to your point about problems with the plot of the film/structure: Without specifics, it's hard for me to address your comments. So come back with specifics, and I'll address them further.  However, you weren't far from the mark when you brought up movies like Terminator, Oblivion, and Law abiding citizen. iRobot is the only movie that I'd leave off on your list(Instead, I'd replace it with the film Runaway, directed by Michael Crichton).

It's essentially a revenge film, that plays out like a sci-fi/horror film. Think Death Wish, by way of The Terminator.

The plot is pretty straight-forward, even though the structure isn't:

A.) Dr. kirk Palmer created Palmer Robotics. Foster helped him but, eventually got greedy and wanted the company for himself.

B.) Foster hires criminals to kill Palmer so he can, take control of the company.

C.) Palmer survives, and sets into motion a plan for revenge.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.

Matthew Lincoln

Revision History (1 edits)
MatthewLincoln  -  September 14th, 2018, 10:28pm
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MatthewLincoln
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Dustin,

Thanks for the read. I get that the film didn't work for you, and I'll address your points to  the best of my ability.

"This is a tell. How do we know it is one of his own buildings?"

It was already established that the Man is Robert Foster, the acting CEO of Palmer Robotics. With that said, it shouldn't be hard to figure out that it's a factory associated with Palmer Robotics, and thus, one of his buildings.  The logo on the wall practically spells it out. Not to mention the scene where Foster uses the Palmer Robotics keycard, to no avail.


Foster’s photo, and that of another MAN(40’s) are the only
pictures that aren’t crossed out.

"Unnecessary info. We would have figured this out from the line before."

Perhaps, but I don't see anything wrong with setting up the fact that there's another man, other than Foster, who's photo isn't crossed out. That was supposed to add to the mystery of why Foster's being hunted by Nemesis, and why the Scarred Man orchestrated these events.

You'll see him later in the flashback, and the very end scene. Setup, followed by payoff. Screenwriting 101. Setup: Photos of Foster and the other men. Payoff: The revelation of the home invasion, and Foster's involvement in it.

"It is an exoskeleton. It isn't 'like' one." Yes it is. I described it as an exoskeleton-like life support mechanism. It's more of a life support system, but it resembles an exoskeleton.  I'll clarify that in my next re-write.


As Foster’s about to move, He hears a sound. A faint BEEPING
SOUND. "Why not just call it a beeping sound? Why repeat that he hears a sound twice?"

That's also fair, and I'll change that on the next re-write.


"He looks around to see what it is, but the sound is
quickly drowned out by a loud, and mechanical."

A loud and mechanical what? Sound, I must've been typing so fast that I forgot that. I'll add it.


As Foster’s about to move, He hears a sound. A faint BEEPING
SOUND. He looks around to see what it is, but the sound is
quickly drowned out by a loud, and mechanical. There’s an
strange hiss to it.

"A faint beep jerks Foster's head to the right. The beep is drowned by
a loud and mechanical hiss."

Same as my above comment. I'll clarify that.


It GROWS louder. It’s coming. His. Way. I'll change that.

"Stop with the uppercase shite. It's only supposed to be for sound effects and that was in the old days. You're mixing it all up and it's wrong. It's not even right when it's right, it's still wrong." I'll look into making some corrections, but provide specifics on "It's not even right, when it's right. It's still wrong."

"The full stops before every word... a novelists trick. You don't need those tricks in a screenplay... plus you haven't pulled it off correctly anyway."

Provide some more specifics, and I'll address that. Hope this doesn't come across as combative. For the most part I got a lot of your issues--there were only a few things  that you raised that I had problems with.  Anyway, thanks for the read.

Matthew Lincoln


Revision History (1 edits)
MatthewLincoln  -  September 14th, 2018, 10:40pm
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Matthew,

I emailed you the first six pages of my review.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
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SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
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MatthewLincoln
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Jordan,

I got your e-mail. First off, thanks for reading my script and offering feedback. I got some of your issues and will make some changes. I do however want to address some of your points.

1.) Foster finding the gun.

As you know, the shotgun had tracking devices in it. The way I came up with the idea of the droid is that it has the entire layout of the factory uploaded into it's computer system--that's how it was able to find a zone to reload. It was programmed to kill Foster, and the quickest way to find him was via trackers. The Scarred Man/ Palmer implanted the gun with trackers, and left it for Foster because he knew he'd take it-- given his situation.

The whole thing was a ruse to fool Foster into taking the tracking devices. I wanted there to be action in the script, but Foster just finding a gun out of the blue made no sense. By doing this-- I'm setting up the action and explaining how the Nemesis was able to find him so quickly.

The tracking thing is significant. When he destroyed the trackers, the droid used its back-up function--the security cameras. When Foster destroyed both, he put the droid in  a position where it had to "guess" his location--which prompted the Scarred Man to confront Foster, personally. Foster had essentially turned the tables on Palmer and the droid.


2.) The Red dots.

You asked how Foster could see the dots from behind, and why didn't he hear the droid first. He did hear it, but didn't know what it was or where it was. He knew enough to run. How did he see the red dots from behind? Because the droid's targeting system is laser based(Think of the targeting system from The Predator). It fired a laser- based target on Foster. He was supposed to see one of the dots, followed by a cluster of dots-- and turn to see the droid. I'll clarify that, if needed.

3.) Say hello to Nemesis

You said you personally hated that. Just curious, what about that did you hate?

4. It's Coming. His. Way.

I wanted to build a bit of tension. But I'll change that, if necessary.

5.) Marks in yellow.

I was curious as to why some of it was highlighted in yellow.

6.) Scene headings. I get where you're coming from the headings.

EX: INT. FACTORY-LAIR-CONTINUIOUS instead of INT. LAIR, FACTORY-CONTINUOUS

I have seen headings in scripts done the other way, though. Two examples are scripts for The Dark Knight/The Dark Knight Rises.

Even though I've got books on Screenwriting( and taken classes in college), much of what I learned about screenwriting has come from reading screenplays. I'll do a bit more reading on the matter, before I change those.

7.) Schematics

The schematics for the droid are in the same room as the "People I have to kill" photos, because that's his lair. The other room that Foster found was more for his benefit-- a subtle way of letting him know why he's being hunted. He didn't know about the others until he found the room.

8.) ONE OTHER THING...

You said in an earlier post that It could've been shortened by 10 pages and not lose anything. Gott disagree on that one. The whole idea behind Inescapable, is that I wanted Foster's situation to live up to the title. I wanted the audience to get a sense that every time he thinks he's making some headway, the rug gets pulled right from under him.

EX: He finds out he's being tracked, and destroys the trackers. The droid finds him via a backup method--the security cameras. He destroys one of the Nemesis units. Another one emerges, only this time he's nearly out of ammo. I wanted his situation to be truly "inescapable" I don't know how I could've conveyed that by shortening it by 10 pages.


Also, I get some  of the other things you were saying. It was a pretty fair review. Thanks again.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. The line about "Drowned out by a loud, mechanical" was supposed to be sound. I was typing so fast, I didn't catch that. It's in my re-write. Chinese, short order cook. Funny.

Revision History (1 edits)
MatthewLincoln  -  September 17th, 2018, 1:33am
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Quoted from MatthewLincoln
The whole thing was a ruse to fool Foster into taking the tracking devices.


I get that, but ultimately Palmer wants Foster dead.  Why go through this whole ordeal and give Foster a chance to live?  When the droid has Foster in its sights, why does it wait?  Why does it miss?

Now if Palmer wants to toy with Foster a little bit before he kills him, then that should be shown.  When Palmer gets frustrated it shows that things aren't going according to his plan.  This whole thing should be his plan.  Every single thing that happens should be according to Palmer's plan.



Quoted from MatthewLincoln
...He was supposed to see one of the dots, followed by a cluster of dots-- and turn to see the droid. I'll clarify that, if needed.


This wasn't clear to me.  Take another look at it and see if you can rewrite it.  Maybe I need to re-read it.



Quoted from MatthewLincoln
3.) Say hello to Nemesis


I think this is cheesy.  That's my opinion.  Nothing more.


The marks in yellow have a note associated with them.  If you hover your cursor over the highlight, the note should show.  You may be able to double click on it to bring the note up.




Quoted from MatthewLincoln
The schematics for the droid are in the same room as the "People I have to kill" photos, because that's his lair. The other room that Foster found was more for his benefit-- a subtle way of letting him know why he's being hunted. He didn't know about the others until he found the room.


I understand that visually it makes sense, but why would Palmer let Foster into his inner sanctum?  There's a better way to accomplish this.

The thing with screenwriting, and writing in general:  There's no one way to do anything.  
Sure there are some accepted practices that if you stray to far from you'll get some snide comments, or worse, no comments at all.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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MatthewLincoln
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Hi everyone,

Just want to let everyone know that a re-write for Inescapable is coming soon.  It's mostly to clean some things up. I'll post it soon.

Matthew Lincoln
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DustinBowcot
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Is this the rewrite?
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MatthewLincoln
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Dustin,

Yeah, it is. I got rid of some of the uppercase words, and sharpened  up a few things.

Matthew Lincoln
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HyperMatt
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I would put 'Written by' as opposed to a 'film by'.

It is important that you put the Conan Arthur Doyle quote should be put on the first page with SUPER: I see that Eldave has already suggested this. Makes it seems to much like a book.


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MatthewLincoln
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Hyper Matt,

Thanks for the input. Here's the thing, though. The film already opens with a scene and then fades to black. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do a SUPER (against a black screen) followed by the quote, then open with the opening scene, only to fade to black again. I'll think it over, though.

Matthew Lincoln
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DustinBowcot
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Code

EXT. HOUSE-NIGHT

A LARGE, suburban house rests on a hill. Secluded. Gated.
Though it’s night, the scene is warm. Hazy. Like a dream.



Use your slugs and the following action wisely, also as actively as possible.


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT

A gated mansion tops a winding hill.



Code

There’s a bright red-orange light emanating from the house,
filling the frame. 




There's = passive.

Better = A bright red-orange light emanates from the house, filling the frame.

However, within the context of the previous sentence, it should be rewritten similarly.


EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT

A bright orange-red light emanates from a gated hilltop mansion.



Try to include as much information as you can whilst keeping your sentences fluid. Avoid passive writing like 'It is...' 'There is...' etc. Keep things as active as possible.

Gotta go.
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Matthew Taylor
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Hi there Mr Lincoln. I have seen you comment on others work so thought I'd give yours a look.

I'll be writing my comments as I read through. I have only skimmed the comments section so apologies if I repeat something already said.

First up, a quote. Is this just for the benefit of the reader or do you want it on screen?
If on screen (assuming you want it on a black screen since it's before FADE IN then I would bring it down into your first page. use BLACK SCREEN, then OVER BLACK followed by quote
That's how I have seen it done anyway

Your first action block duplicates the slug line in that there is a house. To be honest, the first 3 blocks of descriptions feels like it could be restructured to convey the same with less words.

Oh look, you have used OVER BLACK, why not use that for the quote? Maybe the way you have done it is fine, what do I know.

Is a man being reported missing breaking news? Not a criticism, just a question - Don't think I have seen breaking news of a CEO going missing, unless he's a celeb? I'll read on

Hmm, I've said this before somewhere else, and again it's probably personal choice - But I don't like this style of writing with things like "What's odd, though" and "Been around for years, decades maybe" - I don't know what the term for it is - as a reader I want short concise actions and descriptions, giving me just the info I need - Why tell me it's odd? just tell me what's there and I'll (as the reader) will decide it it's odd or not - Hope this makes sense.

More of the above type of writing "A look that screams “business executive”" - I'm gonna stop pointing these out as I go, as I get the feeling there will be a lot of them - and as I said, maybe it's just me that doesn't like it

Pops up? from where? I think this might be the wrong word as in my mind "pop" is full of energy

"It takes him a minute to fully come to" - Are we watching him for the whole minute while he gets his shit together?

Is wail the correct word here? I thought wailing was a high pitch scream, not banging on a door.

Found the dreaded "We See" - No need to put "We see, we hear etc". This is for the screen, if it's there, we see it, if it makes a noise, we hear it - no need to tell us that


Quoted Text
photos of four men, including Foster, taped to the board. Two of the four men
are crossed out by a RED X.

Foster’s photo, and that of another MAN(40’s) are the only
pictures that aren’t crossed out.


Double information here, you have told us twice that two photo's are not crossed out.

I'm a little confused. I think you misuse the CONTINUOUS - You say foster leaves, next slug line is a CONTINUOUS, so I'm thinking this is the room Foster just walked into - took me a while to realise it isn't - Then next slug line Foster is back in the Factory, I thought he left? Very confused

Definitely misusing the CONTINUOUS, they are everywhere.

A shoot out, and a typical movie thing is happening, bad guys can't hit their target to save their lives. I mean, you have described some kind of battle bot, target sensors locked - and he still can't hit a company CEO - Is this guy some kind of former special forces or something? - I don't buy it


Quoted Text
FOSTER
That’s right, you better run


Don't like this line - a bit cliche, but also, he has just had a gun fight with a battle bot - this line makes it seem like he is keeping his cool too much - again, former soldier?

How is it this guy is adept with weapons? He takes it apart - maybe it's because i'm British and we generally are not exposed to guns - Who knows

Reading this is very laborious - By that I mean, lots of action blocks that don't flow well, kinda feel's stop and start, not getting a good rhythm.

Got to page 10, I am skimming a few pages now.

Why are there lots of dialogue in capitals?

You have put flashback as part of a slug line - FLASHBACK needs it's own line, then open with a slug showing us where we are

OK I have skipped to the end.

Story - A nice story of revenge, he's obviously been planning it for a while and wanted to enjoy watching the guy fighting for his life. To be honest I was expecting it to be more like a deadly escape room than a prolonged bot battle.

Writing can be cleaned it a lot I think - A lot of descriptions and action hurt my eyes reading it.

Try and condense what you have, remove anything unnecessary, anything duplicated and anything we can't see or hear.

Rearranging some of what you have might also make this read a bit easier.

Hope any of the above is useful

Good luck to you

Matt







Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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MatthewLincoln
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Matt,

First off, thanks for taking the time to read my script. I need all the feedback I can get. I want to address as many of your points as possible. I'll do this by subject.

THE QUOTE

You asked if I plan to put the Doyle quote on screen or is it for the reader's benefit. It's mostly for the reader's benefit-- to set the tone for the story. I didn't want to put it on screen with OVER BLACK: because I already have that for the news report.

THE OPENING SCENE

As far as the house, I was trying to describe the scene. I wasn't trying to repeat an action block. I'll clarify that, if I need to.

THE NEWS REPORT

Foster's disappearance is very news-worthy in this story. Palmer Robotics is a major Robotics company. In this world, Robert Foster and Dr. Kirk Palmer are the equivalent of Bill Gates, or Elon Musk. Also, in the real world, A CEO being kidnapped or disappearing would be very news worthy. Also, most of the future tech in the story comes from Palmer Robotics--as is seen in the City scene towards the end.

THE PHOTOS

You mentioned that I gave double information regarding the pictures of Foster. I corrected that today.

FOSTER'S GUN SKILLS

As far as how Foster is adept with guns, I was toying with the idea of this as a feature. In that, I planned to elude to the fact that Foster does some hunting/skeet shooting. There wasn't a place for it in the short.

THE DROID MISSES

I know the droid misses when it first fires on Foster. Foster does get shot towards the end. Do you think I should've had him get hit right off the bat?

THE USE OF CONTINUOUS

I'll look over this and see if it could be done differently.

THE FLASH BACK

The slugline for the flashback should be correct format. A way it can be done is

INT(or EXT). LOCATION-TIME-FLASHBACK. This comes from "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier. It's on pages 156 and 157. Mine was a slight variation of that.

CAPTIALIZATION

As far as some of the sentences being done in all caps, I see If I can do that better. Same goes for some of the "We Sees".

Anyway, thanks again for your feedback. I read it again and see if I can sharpen up some of the action,  and make it leaner(This version kinda is the trimmed down version. I had more scenes, but cut down on some of those so it wouldn't go past the 30 page limit  I gave myself.)

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. What did you think of the two big reveals in the story?



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No Worries - just to add, I am an amateur writer so you are free to ignore all I say lol

In a strange way, for the screenwriter, words are the enemy - by that I mean, we have to try and convey a lot of information/feelings/tone with as few words as possible. This obviously comes with practice. I think tightening up your action blocks will shave off a few pages.

Let's see if I can't give an example


Quoted Text
INT. FACTORY-NIGHT

It’s a decrepit joint that looks as if it’s been around for
years, decades maybe. What’s odd, though, is that the factory
has locks and bars on windows that look as if they’ve been
recently installed.


I would probably go with


Quoted Text
INT. DECREPIT FACTORY - NIGHT

Ancient, except for shiny new bars and locks on the windows.


I'm pretty sure that conveys the same with far less words. A word of note, I have been told off for using adjectives in my slug line - But I like them, used correctly I think they immediately set the tone of the scene and remove words from the following action block


Quoted Text
INT(or EXT). LOCATION-TIME-FLASHBACK. This comes from "The Screenwriter's Bible" by David Trottier. It's on pages 156 and 157. Mine was a slight variation of that.


Thanks for that, I have that book somewhere, I'll get it out and look it up.

I'll be happy to read a rewrite

Good luck

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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MatthewLincoln
Posted: January 3rd, 2019, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi folks,

First off, Happy New Year to everyone. I've done a third(and hopefully final) re-write of Inescapable. I've sharpened up  some things, and changed others. I made it so an important plot point gets revealed a bit earlier in this story. Overall, it's the same story--just tweaked. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

Matthew Lincoln
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Matthew     

I enjoyed this overall. You drop us into the middle of it and never let up. It was full of action and thrills, you kept me turning the page. I particularly liked the depiction of the droids even if they seem familiar from other films.

The cat and mouse sections between Robert and Nemesis which make up the main body of the script were well written, both scary and taut.  

As before, your writing could do with some tightening up, some trimming but it’s an improvement on The Courier and it’s something you will learn in time the more you write. Less is more.

Unfortunately, as I noted in the page by page notes, I did see the reveal coming before the end and I feel others will too. This is a shame because the whole script really hinges on our sympathies being reversed from Foster to Palmer.

I would see about trying to obfuscate it more, throw in a few red herrings to mislead us. Particularly when Foster finds the news articles around the half way point, I feel the penny will drop for readers/audiences then. The reiteration of the fire at Palmer’s house, Foster being the successor sends up too many red flags that not all is what it seems. Try to bury that more, make it more subtle. As it’s written, it’s too obvious.

Which, as I say, is a shame because otherwise this is a solidly written little sci-fi thriller. Decent job,

Col.


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MatthewLincoln
Posted: June 23rd, 2019, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Colkurtz8,

Thanks alot for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I was concerned the audience would pick up on some of the reveals a little to early( mostly the reveal about Foster). Not so much concerning The Scarred Man, for me that was a big reveal in service of THE big reveal--which concerns Foster. What would you do as far as throwing in some Red Herrings?

Matthew Lincoln
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MatthewLincoln
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ColKurtz8,

One other question: Would you get rid of the news headlines at the half-way point? I'm thinking about doing that, and just keeping the scenes with the photos.

Matthew Lincoln
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 10th, 2019, 10:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from MatthewLincoln
ColKurtz8,

One other question: Would you get rid of the news headlines at the half-way point? I'm thinking about doing that, and just keeping the scenes with the photos.

Matthew Lincoln


As per your email, I think it needs to be changed to something along the lines of what you suggested, omitted entirely, or perhaps hinted in a more oblique/less direct manner. As of now, its too much of a giveaway.



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Arundel
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 1:15am Report to Moderator
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Gritty noirish sci-fi. Good that it was grounded that way. Shouldn't foster have recognized Palmer more quickly. Shouldn't he also have recognized the men in the photos whose faces were X'd out, as he must have hired them to dispose of Palmer in the first place.

Enjoyed more than originally suspected. Liked that it wasn't too fantasy. More chase through a dark alley, dangerous game feel.

PALMER ROBOTICS: MAKING A BETTER TOMORROW TODAY. What kind of technology do they usually produce if not Nemesis drones? Seems Palmer should know more about this and what he's fighting against.
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MatthewLincoln
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Arundel,

Thanks for the read. I'm glad you liked it. In a new version that I've written, there was a reference to the fact that Palmer Robotics had a rivalry with another corporation, Delphi-Corp. The CEO of Delphi, was convicted for his role in sabotage/ industrial espionage of Palmer Robotics. Foster thought it was retaliation. Also, PR specialized in alot of different technologies. In my backstory for Foster's kidnapping, Palmer Robotics recently secured a Defense Contract for weapons development. The Nemesis droid wasn't part of that, as Foster pointed out.

Matthew Lincoln
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MatthewLincoln
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Hi everyone,

I forgot to mention that I did a final re-write of Inescapable, and entered it into Screencraft's Short film contest. I'll keep everyone posted on any news regarding that.

Matthew Lincoln
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