Toaster Time Travel by Simon Parker - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A young boy meets a time traveller who needs one more toaster to get home. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I quite enjoyed this. Good sci-fi script that implies a lot with small budget and length. The simplicity of it has to the appeal. The whole toaster thing actually plays quite well.



All four characters are interesting. I felt a lot of sympathy for Kyle. Elliot and Max are a bit much re interesting than your average bullies. Traveller, is an interesting mysterious figure, with that sign. I would have liked if you had some description of what the traveller was wearing apart from his age, I don’t know, maybe I am getting visions of Doctor Who.  


Gets intriguing as it goes along, which is a good thing, you want to know what happens next.

I like the ending, but at the same time it feels slightly abrupt. At same time it lets the imagination fill in the blanks.

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I’d get rid of the email as a header on each page.


Pg. 2

‘it my game’ should be it’s

‘Kyle walk’ should be Kyle walks

Elliot screams out from the next room is a redundant line.

Pg. 3

‘Over to the fridge. Opens it up’  - over to the fridge, opens it up

‘MAX
They glare, sort it out’

Line read funny, next line explains that it is glare from the window but reads strange.

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As it is written, should be relatively easy to produce. Really like to see this get made.

Something really whimsical about it, reminds me of films like Explorers.

Good luck with it.

Simon,

I just read your short, and I think It's great. I found the Traveler to be an interesting character, and I loved the reveal about why he wanted the Toasters. The dialogue is well-written, and I liked the characters. Overall, it's a very cool concept. Ditto what Hyper Matt said, I hope this gets made as well.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. if you could give me some feedback on my script, Inescapable, I'd appreciate it. I'm thinking about doing something with it, and I need all the feedback I can get. Thanks.

Hope you don't mind me throwing my 2 pence in

I like the story, short and whimsical.

There are spelling and grammatical errors which shouldn't really have made it into a version you share with others to review. Reads as if English is not your first language.

The script doesn't read easily for me, it feels disjointed. A re-write to smooth it out is needed I feel, example below of how I would have written the first action line

From a sofa, KYLE (16) watches while MAX (18 ) and ELLIOT (18 ) enjoy playing a video game

You also include things that are not film-able - "Clearly he just thinks about an escape" - you can't film that. Kyle rushing to the door, with a glance backwards would give us this impression

You also include lines that are mute - "Kyle can only stand and watch with his arms crossed in front of his chest" - Where else can he cross them? unless he is crossing them in an unusual place, just tell his his arms are crossed, we will assume it's in front of his chest.

Traveller needs a better intro - I would also make the other 3 characters younger, they don't strike me as 18 year olds

Anyway, cute story - needs a rewrite

Simon,

I'd add one more thing. I'd like to see a little more backstory on the traveller. Specifically, how he wound up in his situation, and how the toasters help with his time travel machine. I still liked your story, though.

Matthew