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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  A Cure for Immortality
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  Author    A Cure for Immortality  (currently 241 views)
Don
Posted: May 15th, 2019, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Cure for Immortality by John Hunter - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, a miraculous cure for immortality breaks out. 4 pages  - pdf format

production: A not-too-serious, low budget, sci-fi think piece. One actor (male or female), one location, one park bench, one medium sized dog. Not actually for sale, but available. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2019, 8:55am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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I felt hugely let down when I read the script. I suppose I went in expecting too much. It's basically a talking heads script with one guy relating the entire story to a dog. Even if the dog understood what he was saying, the dog would already know what happened.

On page one, the story promises to reveal a 'cure' for immortality. We then read three pages of some terrible exposition before finding out on page 4 that the entire read has been worthless.

Yes, I got a little angry about that and my comment reflects that disappointment.

The writing is lifeless: There is no description. we're left with having to make do with MAN who has no description. He could be anybody.

The dialogue is poor: It's on the nose and pure exposition. The jokes don't land.

There is no story: It falls flat at the end as the promised punchline is put down to a 'I don't know' The End.


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JohnHunter
Posted: May 19th, 2019, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin. Glad you enjoyed it. The 'cure' for immorality is death. And of course the dog understood. You can talk to a dog about anything, but cats just don't care. Thanks for the read. John


"There are no mysteries in life, just a lotta stuff you don't know anything about."
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/john-hunter
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Dustin
Posted: May 19th, 2019, 2:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from JohnHunter
The 'cure' for immorality is death.



If something dies, it was not immortal in the first place.


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