Attacker :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

First and foremost, not Pro.... yada yada.

Um, there's quite a bit of funky genre-mixing going on.  What people do is stay within a single genre, but use elements of other genres to heighten other parts. So if it is a drama that deals with the past you might use comedic situations that reveal the past drama, or drama of the present that related to the past drama. When Harry met Sally is a drama w/comedic elements. Silence of the Lambs is a Crime story w/elements of thriller(almost horror).

When you write a script it's like using a choke on a power tool. You manipulate it.  That said, domestic violence is such a serious social issue... So I was none too keen on your desire to mix this social drama with sci-fy.  It goes over about as well as a peanut butter and petroleum jelly sandwich. The divide may be too wide. JMHO.

The content of your story is the weak link here.  It was loose and inconsistent tonally.  Sure, I believe you are trying to set up conflict as soon as possible, but this whole open comes off very fake (contrived).  Which leads me to the next thing to address.

Chase's outburst.  It doesn't ring true.  Gotta remember if guys blow your load/wad, or whatever that early with a character over something so trivial, where do you take it when you really want him to explode.  I'm afraid your anti-climatic ending fizzled without much jizz.  The final minute is so ludicrous it can't be taken seriously, I don't know what else to say.   Maybe add more depth to the story, less over the top, unrealistic action.  Normally I'd say please take all my comments with a grain of salt. But here... take it with a chunk of salt.  And besides all that, I'd be much more into a character who used words to batter someone, than bulldoze his own way. Make it more of a power struggle.

Whaddya want?  As a woman, I have a problem with the fact that Bonnie would remain in this nutjob's house.  Well, from this chick's point of view.   At the risk of derailment... I'll move on.

So I'm going to beat this drum again.  I think believability counts in everything we write, even if it's ultimately a silly popcorn flick.  I guess it's our job to sell the unbelievable aspects in such a way that they DO seem believable.

Another problem at the moment is the OTN dialogue and complete lack of subtext.

Lastly, an observation that is destined to get me into strife, " She wears a wedding ring. He wears a wedding ring,"  will be seen by many as a flag that suggests the writer is too green. I guess what I'm also trying to put across is there's a lot of wasteful A/D lines here.

You've got a spark of an idea here, but the devil is in the details, unfortunately I didn't believe yours, I think your story needs a further sprinkling of realism, and perhaps your intro timing needs further thought.

Ahem....  Anyway, to sum up, I hope this has helped. Somewhere amongst this brainfart of notes hopefully there's some useful stuff.

Best of luck-Andrea