Come Along, Harry Higgins by Kevin J Machate - Short, Sci fi/Fantasy, Historical, Western, Crime - Set in 1899, successful safe cracker Harry Higgins decides to hang up his drill for good when he meets the woman of his dreams, only to be tailed by the constable that put him away once already. 20 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

WOW! This is the best thing I've ever read! "9 stars!" says Newsday!

OK kidding. I do hope you like it, and I look forward to your comments, but bear a couple of things in mind:

This script is based on O. Henry's 1903 short story "A Retrieved Reformation" in which I kept the primary plot, but changed some details, the names of the characters, and added SciFi elements.

As I started working on the adaptation, I realized that I was going to have a difficult time in adapting it without making changes. As small changes grew to large changes, I decided to add the SciFi element and it turned from an adaptation to "Based on."

I needed to keep it to 20 pages or less, so expansion on various aspects was not possible.

I tried to keep as much of the original dialogue as possible, while still making it flow.

Had I written this 60 years ago (12 years before I was born) I would have had no trouble selling it to Rod Serling to turn into a Twilight Zone episode. It's even the perfect length.

Enjoy!

Hi, Kevin,

Is this your first script posted on the site? If yes, then welcome. If no, then also welcome. Since you asked for feedback on the script, here are my thoughts.

First about the writing.

Quoted Text INT. PRISON SHOE WORKSHOP - DAY                                                      SUPER: MISSOURI STATE PENITENTIARY, 1899

Just a nitpick. Usually, the SUPER is written to the left margin of the page. Aligned with the slugline.    

Quoted Text INT. PRISON - DAY Jeffers leads Harry back to his cell, stopping at the prison commissary to pick up his outgoing clothes along the way. As they arrive at Harry's cell, Jeffers opens the cell door. INT. OUTSIDE HARRY'S CELL - DAY

The second slugline is a bit confusing and at best, you don't need to write it that long, use a mini-slugline. Just go,

INT. PRISON - DAY

Jeffers leads Harry back to his cell, stopping at the prison commissary to pick up his outgoing clothes along the way. As they arrive at-

OUTSIDE HARRY'S CELL

Jeffers opens the cell door.

Another issue is, there are many SUPERs in the script.

Quoted Text WARDEN Take him back, Jeffers. Fix him up with outgoing clothes and unlock him at 7 in the morning. Then bring him to the bullpen. Consider thinking over my advice, Higgins. JEFFERS 7 a.m. Be ready to go.

The above two dialogs inform us that Harry will be released at 7 a.m. So you need not to inject-

Quoted Text INT.PRISON CLERK'S OFFICE - DAY                                                                                                                            SUPER: 7:15 THE FOLLOWING DAY

-the SUPER here. The audience will see him out and understand that it is/after 7 a.m.

Quoted Text EXT. OUTSKIRTS OF JEFFERSON CITY - DAY - WALKING EXT. JEFFERSON CITY - DAY - WALKING

Walking is an action. So write it in the action lines, not the slugline.

Quoted Text After some time, Harry passes the local church and sees what he's looking for: A restaurant.

Screenplay should be visual so don't write what your character is thinking or in this case what he is looking for. Only write visual stuff.

Quoted Text The train slows to a stop at the Ozark station and Harry stands up and walks to the now open exit door. He exits the train and heads towards town.

You can condense it a bit. You may write it-

The train stops at the Ozark station, Harry exits the train and heads out.

-like this. Write short and crisp.

About the story.

I know O Henry ( William Sydney Porter) and read his story 'Witches' Loaves' but never read this story. So my comment will be purely based on this script.

The story at the start is clear but in the middle, it wobbles a little. The conversation between Davey and Harry on the script page 15 is little off-putting, I think Davey helps Harry in some way to get him out the prison. At the end, Harry comes out as a good samaritan by saving the girl's life.

The dialogs were really nice. They were voiced to give Harry and Davey individual personality.

All in all, a nice story just the writing needs some fine-tuning.

I hope this helps. If not, I hope other members chime in.

Good luck.  

    

Thanks for the comments.

I get the most comments about things that are original to the story. I left as much original dialogue and action as possible, because I wanted to keep the original vibe.

I can't believe I did the one thing I get on people about.. Writing what he's thinking. I don't know how I did that and didn't catch it. Thanks!

As for much of the rest, I think there are some valid points, but also there are things that have multiple options, I just chose what I did.

Thanks again!

@Yuvraj I am a firm believer that if one person makes a comment about something, then it's just an opinion. (I mean Unless it's obviously wrong...) But if two people say the same thing, it needs to be looked at, and if three people, independent of each other have the same comment, then you've got a problem...

I changed a couple of stylistic things and removed the WALKING part (I was thinking of the rule when DRIVING, but that's not the same thing...)

You are correct that Davey assists in getting him his pardon. That's original to the story. The rescue is also original. I only made tweaks (and the SciFi stuff) to what was there already.