Hey again, Miranda.
Forgive me if I repeat anything James has said already.
Re your title page::Email as contact is generally standard, and enough info. I'd personally delete the other address info.
And insert this after the (c) 2020:
All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.As a traditionalist I'm rather fond of a FADE IN: & OUT, makes me feel like ooh, the movie's about to start. More and more script writers don't bother, so up to you
If you want a location at the top i.e.,South Florida you're going to need a title or Super.
So, some description first, then:
SUPERIMPOSE South Florida.
Though, I'm not sure it's needed.
Pompous to describe the tree?
Your opening description of the tree is a bit analytical instead of evoking atmosphere.
South Florida, a dense pompous shade tree, stands
centered at 500 SQ feet. Tons of brown leaves lie beneath
it. Uneven Shrubs and palm trees limit the property.
Maybe just call it a big old oak tree or olive tree or Shady Lady tree. Perhaps she stands majestically (imbue the tree character) front and centre in the backyard. Use a word like imposing or majestic instead of pompous which is a word generally used to characterise a person's character.
Delete the 500 sq feet description. Oh, and for the most part if using them in a script write out numbers in full - I.e., five hundred square feet.
Scalding bothersome windsScalding usually refers to heat and liquids.
I think you might mean squally or squalling winds. Wild gusts of wind.
Shrubs and palm trees limit the property.Border the property perhaps?
Master will bring
his brother’s dog to watch over us
during the storm.
I'd write the dog's name in at this point... Will be bringing Stanford by to watch over us.
Perhaps at this point Leah can proclaim that she doesn't need some other dog looking after her, she can look after herself just fine, thank you!
Suggestion:
Master will be bringing…
Or: Master is on his way with Stanford...
Or: Master is bringing…
LEAH, Shar-pei dog, golden, medium-bulky-size, full
muzzle resembles a hippopotamus, snobbish posture,
comes out of the house. Door closes behind her.This description (above) reads a bit like specs for this breed of dog.
Think about how you'd describe this dog to someone you know who didn't know what the mutt looks like. The muzzle bit says a lot but mostly you'd describe her chubby folds of skin and wrinkles and her almost cartoonish face.
BIG MAMMA,
(a big black cat) big black cat. White spots on three paws and
below the neck, like a baby bib. Squeezes out of pet’s
back door a few feet away.
If I were you I'd link those descriptions for fluidity instead of using full stops which create a staccato halting rhythm instead of a continuation of flow.
And, as with the dog:
Choose your verbs so that they contribute life, movement, and personality to your characters. The Dog 'bounds' from the doorway is much stronger than 'comes' out of the house. Door closes behind her would be better as the screen door swings shut or slams shut ( given the high winds) behind him. Think about the visual you want your audience to see.
BigMama has the trademark tuxedo coat pattern of white socks/ socked paws and chest? squeezes out of a cat flap by the kitchen door, perhaps? And then give us her personality. My husband always describes cats as elegant tramps.
BigMama slinks across the lawn, perhaps? I'd be looking at words/verbs to describe the cat's movement - to inject personality, humour. Felines like to stalk in long grass, hunt and pounce and walk tightrope along fences etc. Likewise with the dog - it has completely different behaviour - they lope and bound and sniff the ground (and each other's bottoms) and laze around, and wag their tales when happy etc.
I'd describe BigMama looking up at the bird before you actually intro Redbird. Maybe call it Robin?
DAN and DAVE. Teenager squirrelsShould be teenage squirrels
Leah runs toward Big Mamma. Twist her head sideways
checking for any visible injuries.Use plural here - twists her head, checks for...'
Takes a deep breath in relieve.Relief or relieved.
They both stare at the clouds grouping together.They both stare up at dark storm clouds gathering overhead.
Format-wise you've got some instances of an orphaned character name at the bottom of the page and the accompanying dialogue over on the next page.
You want to fix that.
Property. Maybe better as territory.
Jealous!
You're jealous!
A branch hanging on powerline provokes fire. Repetitive
small explosion occurs while wind aggressively swings the
lines and branches.Sparks is the word you're looking for here I think.
The lizard is pale in chock. (chock?) shock?
This lizard sounds like it's a chameleon if it's able to change colour?
Nice visual of it exploding from Leah's mouth btw. That's funny physical comedy. May as well give it a name as well, even if it is a bit-part.
Call the dog Stanford from the outset imho, like I said earlier. Gives it more character. Perhaps Leah and Stanford have butted heads before on more than one occasion?
Leah roars loud. Bares her teeth.Barks or growls not roars - leave that to a lion.
Leah and he (Stanford) gaze into each other eyes.Gaze is too static and even romantic a word. This is more like a face-off.
Leah and Stanford lock eyes perhaps?
Humm?Huh?
Or:
Hmm?
Disrespectful towards others, or of others.
In terms of plot I'd amp it up a bit.
Establish Stanford and Leah being long term rivals, even enemies to begin with. It's more exciting as there's established conflict, jealousy etc. This is Leah's territory and she's not happy with this interloper.Perhaps if Stanford performed some heroic act, creating suspense and saved Leah from the sparking powerlines? BigMama could assist with some comedic highwire act?
This has heart. I can see what you're going for and a lot of it comes across very well already. I just think you need to fill in a few gaps, add more humour, more suspense, add some more comedic touches and hijinx etc.
Hope this helps and hope to see more of you, Miranda.
We need more girls in the ranks!