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  Author    Technicolor  (currently 697 views)
Don
Posted: August 16th, 2022, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Technicolor by R5e - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - What strange and malevolent beings reside beyond the visible spectrum of light, and what might happen should their cloak be revealed? 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


This was a Summer Quickie '22 script that I failed to post.  


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LC
Posted: August 17th, 2022, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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R5e, you have a better chance of this being snatched up for filming if you add contact details to your title page.

Your opening scene I gather is meant to be a macabre image of a skeletal figure of a man charred beyond recognition (somewhat comically too) because he's wearing sunglasses and clutching a cell phone. A terrific opening.

You want to describe this as simply as possible imho though. Get the visual across without the superfluous stuff.
I think one paragraph should be enough.

Twilight,  a  bright  spotlight  illuminates  a  form  perched against  a  tree  trunk.  The  form  is  a  delicate  bundle  of charred  flesh  and  bone...  humanoid  in  shape. On  its  face,  encrusted  into  the  hollow  eye  sockets  are  a  pair of  dark  sunglasses,  curiously  they’re  unaffected  and  pristine compared  to  the  organic  remains  around  them.

Do away with the word Twilight. You can always put Dusk or Dawn in the header if you want.
It is human, right? So you don't need humanoid - unless I missed something?
Go simple: Slumped against a tree the charred remains of a body.
A spotlight is already typically bright by definition so you don't really need to add 'bright'.
You use the word 'form' twice, try to vary that.
The form is a delicate bundle I don't think delicate, belongs in such a horrific description.

Curiously they're unaffected What you appear to be saying here is everything else is burned beyond recognition except for this pair of glasses which remain perfectly intact, as apparently is the cellphone.

We can only see the hollowed out eye sockets if your Hazmat guys actually attempt to lift the frames from the face so that might be a nifty visual you could consider. Might be horrific if they're glued to his face.

Your genre is Fantasy?
Sci-fi I get, because of how the plot pans out. Not sure about fantasy.

Figures  in  Foil-HazMat  suits
Again, simply.
Two men in Hazmat suits - you could elaborate on whether they're wearing tactical Hazmat, military hazmat? chemical, biological, etc.

How many Hazmat guys are there? You should specify.
They should speak about what they're seeing imho. Even just a line.
These guys find the actual footage and come across the gruesome discovery so I'd at least top n tail with a little dialogue.

A  woman,  CLAIRE  (30),  comes  into  view,  impersonally  close  to the  camera.  She  talks  with  a  bit  of  a  whisper
You don't need 'impersonally close'. I'm not sure what I'm seeing there. Does she speak in a whisper because this is meant to be a surprise party? I got the impression Greg was already there.

Do away with: anomalous trichromacy
You call it colour blindness in the next line anyway.

Greg  curiously  falls into  that  category  of  color blindness,  and  if  all  goes  well, he’s  about  to  see  colors  that  he’s never  been  able  to  see  before!

I'd simplify that line to something like:
For those of you who don't know, Greg is colour blind.
And for the first time ever...
(raising a pair of glasses)
He''s about to see colours he's never seen before.

After he dons the glasses and he can see vivid colours you need to describe that as a moment of pure joy and spectacle for a bit longer than you do from his POV, and for impact... Before everything goes haywire.
That's a big psychedelic filmic moment.

Some of the humour (though subtle) was good but I have to wonder if you could have told the story without Momo and Candy.

And something needs to follow after Claire's final line - even if it's just screams, atmos, a ball of flames.

Then back to the guys who found the footage.

I could be way off, just my thoughts.

The narrative was a little confusing for me but very imaginative and surreal at the same time.


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Gum
Posted: August 17th, 2022, 9:41am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby,

Wow, thank you kindly for the detailed feedback! Yeah, this was a rush job to get it up for the OWC but Murphy’s Law took effect and threw a curveball, so it didn’t get posted, which is a blessing in disguise actually, cause this is a revised edition; the ending of the first draft was way more confusing/weird and I probably would have been crucified in the comments, lol.

Anyway, the primary drive behind this was to write something with the EnChroma Glasses as the main theme, and the reaction that a person would have seeing certain colors for the first time in their life. It’s quite heartwarming to see the reaction of grown men/women break down like a child seeing this wonder for the first time… like this:



That’s just one video, there’s many floating around YouTube and they’re kind of addicting to watch, cause they give us a sense of how we take certain things for granted in life, like seeing colors. Anyway, leave it to me to turn it into something macabre. I also wanted to consider, that perhaps after donning the EnChroma glasses, Greg could actually see something else, something those who are not color blind don’t know exists, something lurking in the sky that’s been there since the dawn of time, watching us, guiding us… controlling us.

Yes, I tend to go full redundancy on my action blocks, I could surely, via your feedback, pare this down quite a bit and remove some of the descriptors and stick to the basics. Mind you, now that it’s out of the 6 page limit I could also flesh it out so it’s more detailed where it matters, like Greg’s initial reaction to seeing vibrant colors for the first time. That’s why I had everyone in the tent, and the tent, black and white and grey, so he didn’t really have any notion that he was wearing color corrector(s), I guess I should make the scene low lighting as well so he really only see’s the grey drab stage.

Lots to go on with your feedback, again thank you, I’ll get into a rewrite when I get back from a few days at the lake… summer’s waning and I don’t want to miss the last few days of sunshine before the inevitable, mind you, I love fall and I’m way excited for that too, lol. Cheers for now!
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Storey_Matters
Posted: August 17th, 2022, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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I like it. I think this could work as an invasion feature. It's kind of a rehash of They Live, which is a concept I like and see no reason it cannot be used again. The chroma-glasses is a cool take on it. No reason you couldn't flesh this story out into a feature.
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Nomad
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A few notes as I go:

  • Title page. The logo looks like the NBC peacock all squished. I'm not a fan of images or colors in a script, but that may just be me.
  • Page 1.  Is it DAY or is it "twilight"?
  • Page 1.  "perched" means to sit on something as opposed leaning against something. I would say "A spotlight shines on the charred remains of a man slumped against the base of a tree."
  • Page 1.  Your style is verbose when succinct would be better.

You write:

Quoted Text
Figures in Foil-HazMat suits gather near another charred out
body draped over a flower garden. This loose remain of ash
holds an intact cellular phone in its hand.

This could be summed up with:

  • Men in hazmat suits pry a pristine CELL PHONE from the charred hand of another body.

Additionally you write:

Quoted Text
INT. VAN - MOMENTS LATER

A high-tech vehicle with several computers.

The retrieved cell phone is placed on a charging cradle and
quickly comes to life. A monitor array rapidly spools the
hard drive’s video clips by date and time.

An archived video image is click loaded: IMG-2385

POV: MONITOR FEED - IMG-2385

Which could be summed up with:

  • INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS

    A high-tech vehicle with several monitors.

    The phone is plugged into a computer.

    POV: MONITOR FEED - IMG-2385

A few more notes:

  • 3 pages of Momo is 2 pages too many. He doesn't add to the story other than a few lines.
  • You don't need to break up the videos into several IMG files that are click loaded each time. You could just have a burst of static or just cut to the next scene. IMG files are image files. It might need to be a VID file or something like that.
  • That amazing omni-colored light portal     Um... yeah.
  • Greg reaches out his hands, as if to make contact with an angelic interlude. I have no idea what this means.

If you tighten this up and add a little more to the ending, you could have a creepy little tale on your hands.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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Nomad
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Quoted from Storey_Matters
...It's kind of a rehash of They Live, which is a concept I like and see no reason it cannot be used again.

Agreed. It's very similar but I like the idea of being able to see things in a different dimension with the glasses. Maybe ghosts are just people in a different dimension that can interact with ours.


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Storey_Matters
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Quoted from Nomad

Maybe ghosts are just people in a different dimension that can interact with ours.


And maybe those people are our relatives and loved ones. Although I don't believe in a god in the traditional sense, I see no reason why, after this vessel we call a body dies, we can't live on in some other capacity. There is science backing this theory, so, why not?
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LC
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Wow, I must have been having a 'blonde moment'.
I did not get this was you, Rick.

Given the usual fantastical surrealism I really should have twigged.
Definitely flesh it out with the 'colours' scene.

Btw, the same thing happens with deaf people when they can first hear sounds. I love watching those videos. Pure delight.


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Gum
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Thank you all for the feedback! I’ll script some in depth detail in a few days to address all the comments when I get back to my PC, currently out in the sticks on an iPad and have not a clue how to properly “quote” , copy, paste, that whole chestnut without making a mess of things, but definitely some good stuff in the comments that’s stoked my imagination for a rewrite. Cheers for now…
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Gum
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Quoted from Storey_Matters
I like it. I think this could work as an invasion feature. It's kind of a rehash of They Live, which is a concept I like and see no reason it cannot be used again. The chroma-glasses is a cool take on it. No reason you couldn't flesh this story out into a feature.


Thanks for the read, and positive take on this: making that ‘They Live’ connection!

Man, I totally face palmed when you said that, lol. I didn’t even consider the similarities when writing the EnChroma Glasses angle as being a tool/catalyst to drive an alien invasion concept in that same vein - thinking that movie put a cap on any and all ideas using ‘sunglasses’ to show us a world beyond our limits has opened up a new angle on the whole idea. I appreciate the feedback, cheers!


Quoted from Nomad
A few notes as I go:

Title page. The logo looks like the NBC peacock all squished. I'm not a fan of images or colors in a script, but that may just be me.


Yeah, I tend to go overboard with title fonts n’ such. This is actually the ‘Technicolor’ logo, I even left the registered trademark symbol on it. The idea was to suggest a similar precursor to people seeing movies in color for the first time, as in “Now in Technicolor!”, of course, thinking out loud I’ll probably change the title to ‘Tech-no-Color’ or something like that to avoid any copyright shenanigans.



Quoted from Nomad


That amazing omni-colored light portal     Um... yeah.


Lol, fuck… I cringed when I wrote that line, I cringed when I read it back to myself, and I’m cringing as we speak. I have no idea why I left it in there. Thanks for showing me the light of my errors, the omni-light.


Quoted from Nomad


If you tighten this up and add a little more to the ending, you could have a creepy little tale on your hands.

Thanks for the read.
-Jordan


Thank you, Jordan, for the read and feedback, lots to go on, and lots to rewrite before this is ready for prime time.


Quoted from LC
Wow, I must have been having a 'blonde moment'.
I did not get this was you, Rick.

Given the usual fantastical surrealism I really should have twigged.
Definitely flesh it out with the 'colours' scene.

Btw, the same thing happens with deaf people when they can first hear sounds. I love watching those videos. Pure delight.


Lol, all good. I’ve changed avatars, pen names, identities, etc so many times over the years that even I don’t know who the hell I am anymore!

And yes, I’ve seen those vids too, when a young child hears their mother say “I love you” for the first time, it makes me cry like a sieve.

Thank you again for the feedback, I truly appreciate it!

Now, back to the drawing board with this thing to see how big a mess I can make of the original script idea, lol…
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Gum
Posted: August 23rd, 2022, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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Just kicking a dead horse here.


Quoted from Gum

… this is a revised edition; the ending of the first draft was way more confusing/weird and I probably would have been crucified in the comments…


Inspiration from songs beyond the enigma?

Okay, so now that I’ve reconsidered several aspects of re-writing this, I just might stick to the original plan. The script isn’t overtly strange but could be something stranger if I want to go that route.

About a month ago I created an extended (synth-layered) version of the outro to ‘Faith No More’s’ iconic song ‘Epic’. I always loved the somber piano outro that fades in after a lengthy reverberation of “What is it?!” followed simply by the words… “It’s it”.

And crucify me if you will, that was the whole inspiration towards the ending of the script… Claire asks Greg; “What is it?”, he simply replies with “It’s it”, but I changed the dialog over and over in several revisions and finally added ‘Omni-colored light portal’ at the last re-write based on one of the synth-pads I used in the resample called: Floating Clouds.

Always go with gut instinct I keep telling myself. Even if gut instinct is worse, at least you keep true to form.

Fun songfact: Mike Patton joined Faith No More in 1989 and wrote the song's (Epic’) enigmatic lyrics, which constantly allude to "it," without ever explaining what "it" is.

The bridge simply consists of the band shouting, "It's it," while Patton responds with, "What is it?" (The word "epic" is never mentioned in the lyrics.)

Patton gave some insight on the song's meaning when he told Circus magazine in 1990: "It was about sexual frustration. Sex and lack of sex."

That makes no sense either, but I thought lack of color in your diet would probably have that effect for sure!

Anyway, here’s the extended outro sample that inspired the original script and got me thinking of ways how the ending could play out, using the (new) outro soundtrack with Greg simply going on about “It’s it!”, leaving the party guests completely disoriented shouting; “What is it!?”.

That is… till they’re all slowly cooked to ash by ‘it’. Anyone have cheap grainy stock footage of several people on fire running around in really slow motion? Err, no…?



… and of course, the original Faith No More: Epic, for anyone wondering what the ‘eff’ I’m going on about. The outro begins around 3:45… with a fish floppin’ around that apparently once belonged to Björk?

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LC
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Love that song, Rick!

The shots in Midnight Mass of the island folk turning to ashes would work perfectly. Of course that's Mike Flannagan so you'd have Buckley's, but you should check it out. There's probably a YouTube clip.


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Nomad
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Quoted from Gum
About a month ago I created an extended (synth-layered) version of the outro to ‘Faith No More’s’ iconic song ‘Epic’.


Well you didn't tell me that 90's rock and Fruity Loops were involved in the creation of your script.

This changes EVERYTHING!

Well done on the extended version of the outro.

I have FL Studio and I've messed around with it a bit. I could write a song here and there but nothing as good as what you've created.

It looks like you just used the standard plug-ins that come with the software. Or did you use something else to make the piano sound so nice?

-Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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Gum
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Quoted from LC
Love that song, Rick!

The shots in Midnight Mass of the island folk turning to ashes would work perfectly. Of course that's Mike Flannagan so you'd have Buckley's, but you should check it out. There's probably a YouTube clip.


Thank you! glad you liked it!  

Oh, man… I totally forgot about that Midnight Mass scene when they all burn at sunrise, just checked it again on YouTube, stellar. That’s pretty much exactly what I was thinking, I bet my subconscious was remembering/alluding to that without my input, lol.

Just a surreal moment when everybody is slowly cooked to ash while the Epic Outro track plays on… I think that would be the shizzle!


Quoted from Nomad

Well you didn't tell me that 90's rock and Fruity Loops were involved in the creation of your script.

This changes EVERYTHING!

Well done on the extended version of the outro.

I have FL Studio and I've messed around with it a bit. I could write a song here and there but nothing as good as what you've created.


Thank you kindly! And… d’oh! I new I should have gone with it (original script), lol. Mind you, people still would have been confused without the inspiration detail involved, even then, probably still be too confusing.


Quoted from Nomad

It looks like you just used the standard plug-ins that come with the software. Or did you use something else to make the piano sound so nice?


Thought I’d find at least one fellow Digital Synth user on here!

Yes, I mainly use the native plug-ins. I downloaded the FL Studio 12 – Producer Edition around 2012-ish and have been using that ever since. It’s packed with something like 30 Synth Generators with an insane number of presets for each, way too many to figure them all out in this lifetime.

The Piano used for the Epic Outro is actually a free VST I found online called ‘Piano One’, then I put a slight reverb and delay for each layer.  Curiously, I just checked the site where I got it from many years ago, and it looks like they still offer it for free, and it actually looks like a newer version than the one I have. I found a link but haven’t tried it. The newer version looks nice though:

https://neovst.com/piano-one/

Another one I created around the same time as the previous - with just the native presets (7 synth-pads) - is a re-score for the Westworld Intro(s).

The music score for the Westworld intro is rich, layered, and has dark crescendo builds and drops, but when I viewed them (intros) with no sound, the video graphics (to me) felt more ethereal and surreal and gave me some inspiration to write a slower moving synth score. Wherein the creation process would reflect an atmospheric hymn - in this case ‘Universal DNA Space Singers from the Quantum’  weaving their symbiotic dance of Artificial Intelligence.

So, I re-comped Westworld season 1 and 2 intros into an eye candy homage with slower frame rates, a few fade cuts, and an atmospheric soundtrack created with Fl Studio. This is just my own version of fan-art if you will.

The soundtrack is resampled to a lower bitrate on YouTube so you may have to put on headphones for all the layers to come through.

Original rendered (higher bitrate .wav) file is here if anyone likes the synth track and wants to use it for their own video production purpose:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/18q6.....27s%20Dream.wav?dl=0



… and for no apparent reason, hurting your brain watching all the synth pads play the score, lol!



Cheers, and thanks again for the positive feedback!

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Storey_Matters
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A beautiful piece of music. My son is a sound engineer who concentrates mostly on music. He's working with several up n coming rappers at the moment.
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Gum
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Quoted from Storey_Matters
A beautiful piece of music. My son is a sound engineer who concentrates mostly on music. He's working with several up n coming rappers at the moment.


Thank you, truly!

Funny thing, I was actually getting into sound engineering when I was about 17, alas it wasn’t in the cards and life got in the way; something I always look back on and think “what if…”.

Yeah, they’re the ‘real’ magicians. After mixing (which is an art in itself), they (engineers) push it beyond awesome with all their cool gear. Best of luck to your son, and a great path ahead!
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Nomad
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I always think of this when I hear talk about sound engineers.



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Gum
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Lol, so true. I think that’s why so many ‘Boy Bands’ came out in the 90s… Auto-Tune! FL Studio actually has something similar called ‘Pitcher’. I believe it’s a free plug-in with all versions.

I always remembered this, saw it when I was like 8 or 9, and thought “Holy shit, wouldn’t it be cool to own a studio like that…! And the mask.

Filters...!

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