Pretty good one this one though it gets a bit muddled towards the end, like the writer was hurrying to fit it all together.

Rec for this one but needs a decent tweak

I liked how it started, you didn't feel the need to have Mitch talk to himself when alone at the beginning, so that felt natural.

Would the driver of a taxi offer water to his passengers? I've only taken one once, so I'm not sure, but it doesn't seem realistic to me at least.

I don't see why Mitch didn't just call the police on page 4, he hasn't done anything wrong at that point.

The end was confusing and I agree with another review that it fizzled.

A good read. Somewhat 'Sin City'-ish in the vibe. I can visualize the dye-pack going off from an ext. view. Aside from already noted details, good work.

One of the more constructed ones. Not sure if it'd be worth watching. For sure a thrilling scenario with twist – there's just the question Why since there's no connection to characters or theme. Writing impresses - story reads as an arbitrary cut out sequence from a feature film.

Had to do a double read to find out what actually happened but, I like the idea here.

Not sure you would need an undercover cop to infiltrate a criminal syndicate that gets foiled by those exploding ink packs... pretty sure they would have fucked it up on their first heist.

Still, I liked it. Someone will find Mitch eventually and,  it looks like he has some serious explaining to do... Shiitake Dermatitis Syndrome, maybe?

Good work.

Pretty much agree with everyone else.  It starts off interesting, then got boring, real fast.  

I'm not sure how you can make it interesting.

Here's a big problem.  Tons of stories (mostly horror) fall apart if you know the ending because how the characters act at the beginning don't make sense, especially if they are the killers or involved in it.  That's what Scream did so well in using that fact.

This story suffers from that same issue.  SPOILERS

Since Ned's a cop, why would he do any of that?  And he manages to stay alive just long enough to put the cuffs on him, then he dies.  Very story-like convenient...

Also, no one was trapped in the cab, so, kinda failed the exercise...

Still, it was solid for most of it.  

5/10  Big points off for not having anyone trapped/stuck in a cab + why wouldn't Ted just say he's a cop + the story really slowed down in an unbelievable way.

Dan

Im thinking the plot us good but its no one's personal story. And this way its just bare facts about something that took place for me.

I just wish the story touched me in some way and make me care. I dont know whose story it is - mitch or Ned's?

Also its careless to leave a message like that about them being an undercover. That part was hard to buy for me.

Good premise though.

I enjoyed this one, nice twist at the end, obviously the cop could have ID himself early but it's easy to say that now... we can find  loopholes in most of the scripts.

The writing was great and I liked how Mitch's own greed got the best of him

Good job on entering

Writing's good. Structure's good, but so effective that you figure the twists before they come. The plot's so strong that that doesn't necessarily matter, though.

Except that there's no payoff! Loved the situation -- didn't like where it went. What's the point? This almost felt like the first pages of a low-budget thriller, and if they were, I'd keep reading. Good stuff, needs an ending.

Well written. It's a smooth read.
End is a bit of a let down.

Some good writing talent on display here, the story just needs some work.

There were points when I got confused who was Mitch and who was Ned as they sound the same. I'd suggest working on giving them both unique characteristics and speaking styles.

I don't think you need the police radio at the beginning. At the point Ned jumps in the cab, everyone reading knows it is a bank robber thanks to the radio blaring it out but Mitch doesn't until way after, so it's no surprise when he finally clicks. In fact it is quite frustrating. The sirens and other more subtle aspects of the story could provide the subtext and the reveal could be a nice suprise for us all to enjoy.

The ending I loved at first until I thought about it. If he was a cop who was injured and had a phone, why didn't he identify himself as such to the authorities and get taken care of properly? The conversation with his superior on the phone sounds like painful exposition.  

The false notes and dye exploding are a great way to end this so I'd suggest either coming up with a more plausible explanation as to why the cop is in the car and still undercover, or simply have him as one of the robbers.

I don't understand some comments which state no-one was trapped in the taxi. Mitch is trapped in the taxi in handcuffs. OK it's not for the majority of the story but it's there at least, unlike quite a few scripts in this owc!

A decent effort which screams for a re-write to make this one a good candidate for producing.

-Mark

i'm sure i'm dumb, but i don't know what a "holdall" is. i looked it up.  what i figured.  never heard that Brit slang.

Not sure where this takes place, but the Brit slang paired with a Steelers hat kinda confuses me.

So far, so good beyond that.

i didn't really enjoy the dialogue style too much, but i did like the twist.  

Pretty solid in the end.  Might be one of my 3.   We'll see.

The writing is very good. I was completely sucked in at the beginning and hanging on every word... for awhile... then the characters never fully materialized.

I think I get what you were going for with Mitch. He's a miserable, jaded man stuck on autopilot and so beaten down by life he's practically devoid of human emotion at this point. But it's all in the descriptions, some of which won't even be filmable.

Code MITCH, late 30s, a little older, no wiser and a heap more jaded than his photo.

Code watching his passenger with barely concealed contempt.

Code Mitch eyes it, restless. Going through the motions.

I get all that. But a lot of his actions and words convey the opposite. He notices Ned is uncomfortable and rolls down the window for him. The Mitch I read in the descriptions wouldn't give two shits about his comfort, he might even take pleasure in another persons misery.

Then he offers water. Then he makes a little joke about how there's "more water for Mitch" when Ned refuses. He seems like a normal, friendly cab driver rather than someone so miserable and desperate he'd let another man die so he could start a new life.

Ned I know even less about. He's basically a complete mystery till the radio thing. Next moment, Mitch is leaving him to die... doesn't even struggle with the decision... has zero doubts about it apparently.

Again, the writing is quite good which is a shame cuz there's just not a lot of tension by the end.

A bit overwritten in places and a few mistakes, but I liked it.  If some of the writing is tightened, it will give you a chance to enhance the story a bit.  Not sure if "UP FRONT" needs to be added to the slugs.  I know you're trying to make it the drivers POV, but think it shouldn't be in the slug.  I like the fact that your "trapped" element is him trapped at the end.  To me, it met the challenge requirements and pretty good.  I liked it.

Probably some of the best writing I've read from this challenge. And a nice twisty-turny plot. I think it might need a little more character work around Mitch. Who is he? Why does he make the decision he does? What does it mean to him? Without knowing that stuff the ending, though appropriate and clever, just didn't hit as hard as it could. That's the last piece missing for me in this one. Get me to care what happens to Mitch.

All else considered though, pretty well done.