Quoted from LC Okay guys, better stop now, I'm going a bit red. Not that your comments go unappreciated.  Encouragement and advice noted. And, I really wasn't fishing for compliments. Self doubt kicks in now and again,  but I believe I know where my strengths lie. So, I'm going to stick with the new resolution. Thanks again you lot.

Ummm, Libby,
You forgot to mention PAYMENT for the nice things that Dustin and I said about you.  You do recall our agreement, right??  Please send the cash ASAP...

J/K  you really are very talented and all of us suffer from anxiety and other issues when it comes to writing.  We all have doubts as to what we should do with our lives.  

Writing is hard.  I chuckle when people say how EASY we have it.  Just write up a story.  As if it's that easy...

Then again, don't people tend to marginalize how awesome the grass is on the other side of the fence and how awful their grass is from their side of the fence??

There are a number of people on here that I'm sure will make it, one day.  It might be tomorrow, it might be in a decade.  I've read that the rule of thumb is, from when you enter your first contest to when you should "expect" your first big sale is a DECADE after the first.  A DECADE.

This is a grind.  I can hear my inner voice saying "I should have been a pimp.  I could have been somebody..."

Dan

Thanks Don for reposting!

This is an updated version of the script from the August OWC.

A few tweaks and an updated ending.

And, special thanks to Jeff (Dreamscale) the slugmaster.

Hope I got 'em right this time or I'm sure to get a rap over the knuckles.  

Libby - still a delicious read. I like'd this one. Comments are definitely in the nit category.

Quoted Text REG Offer’s there you want it. I’m told I’m a very good listener.

Unless it is purposeful - you need an "if" before you.

Quoted Text The taxi fishtails wildly, slipping and sliding over the icy terrain, but it’s too late, not enough time. The violent impact propels the animal onto the bonnet. Reg pulls the car hard the other way again to right it, car smacks into a guard rail, becomes airborne, careens over a bank, slides down into a ravine.

A real nit - but I think it reads better as:

The taxi fishtails wildly, slipping and sliding over the icy
terrain, but it’s too late, not enough time.
The violent impact propels the deer onto the bonnet.

Reg pulls the car hard the other way again to right it, car
smacks into a guard rail, becomes airborne, careens over a
bank, slides down into a ravine.

I like the deer hitting in the same action block of "it's too late."

Quoted Text Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm.

Was the above suppose to be dialogue?

Quoted Text A small team of emergency services pull Reg’s body from the vehicle, lay him on a stretcher, put him in an ME’s van.

Would cap the characters and be specific on the count. e,g., Three EMERGENCY WORKERS (or paramedics) pull....

Quoted Text Edie follows, alive, on another stretcher. A thermo-blanket draped over her shoulders she is also escorted towards a waiting ambulance, but her escorts are police officers and she wears hand-cuffs.

The above needs a little work. Would they really handcuff her on a stretcher? I think it would work better if she was already standing by a police cruiser - cuffed - two cops at her side. Reg turns and notices her. - or, something like that.

Dave, love the delicious comment.  

*****However, I have spoken too soon.*****

This is NOT the updated draft. Still the Taxi T anon version.

The 'keep calm' is no longer in there for example. Ending changed too. Page count longer etc.

While I'm at it though:

You're right about the 'deer' comment btw.

'Offer's there, you want it.' This is the same line in the new version. Does a comma help/needed? This is the way I hear Reg speaking colloquially. I hear his speech running on, no 'if' required. The same thing with 'shift end' which I remember you commenting on. I used a hyphen to solve that one.

Anyway...

I'd love you to weigh in on the updated version when it's up.

I'll contact Don again.

Thanks Dave, for bringing it to my attention.

Quoted from LC Dave, love the delicious comment.   This is NOT the updated draft. Still the Taxi T anon version. I'll contact Don again.

Apologies, the revised draft is up.  

- Don

Thanks Don, just emailed you re my updated details etc.

Hey, Libby,

Let me get the negatives out the way first, I'm "BLOODY DISGUSTED" with you.  I was expecting to read eighteen pages, but you short-changed me.

Putting that aside -- I enjoyed this, your style is immersive and draws the reader right in.  The pacing was good, very visual, and I like the premise. However, not sure how original it is, but, hey, it's all in the execution anyway.

I thought REG and EDIE were real and that you had control of them. So kudos for avoiding one of the most common pitfalls, putting two characters out there who carry on a meaningless dialogue.

My one substantive comment; don't get me wrong, in the end a script just has to work, and yours does.   But I wanted a more earth-shattering reveal... for lack of a better word.

A side note:  I just saw Don's comment and yours.  I hope I read the right version. I started reading this about an hour ago.

Thanks for sharing...

Ghostie

Hey Ghostie, twice in one week! Thanks so much for taking a look.  

This was originally an OWC, and the first of this type of script I've done a proper rewrite on cause it seemed to have some fans. It almost, almost, got a mug.   There was a ten/twelve? page limit for the challenge so I could be a lot more liberal with the revamp.

Ugh! It's a pet peeve of mine when writers leave in an extra blank page. I've no idea why it's so annoying but it is, isn't it?

I must get savvy with drop box or similar so I don't have to bother Don with updated drafts.

The idea with this one is to lull the audience along with Edie's sweet but mysterious character and then wham! with the reveal. Though I quite like what I've done with it I'm still not convinced I've got the balance right with what I do and do not reveal along the way with her character.

'Earth shattering' ending? I know what you mean. My object was definitely to shock and surprise in that denouement.

You know where there comes a point you no longer can see something with fresh eyes? That's where I sit with this even though I'm pretty happy with it.

I'd really like... Ooh, I didn't see that coming.

Thanks for the read and feedback mate. I very much look forward to reading another of yours.

P.S. I think it's safe to say you read the current longer version.

Quoted Text 'Offer's there, you want it.' This is the same line in the new version. Does a comma help/needed? This is the way I hear Reg speaking colloquially. I hear his speech running on, no 'if' required. The same thing with 'shift end' which I remember you commenting on. I used a hyphen to solve that one.

You're fine. Just wanted to make sure it was a purposeful style thing rather than a typo.

This is still a visual problem for me:

Quoted Text Edie follows, alive, on another stretcher. A thermo-blanket draped over her shoulders she is also escorted towards a waiting ambulance, but her escorts are police officers and she wears hand-cuffs.

It's just the handcuffs - can't wrap my head around damaged enough to require a stretcher but threat enough to still need cuffs.

Great script over all

Quoted from eldave1 This is still a visual problem for me: It's just the handcuffs - can't wrap my head around damaged enough to require a stretcher but threat enough to still need cuffs. Great script over all

I see what you're saying, Dave.

Imh, they'd cuff her as a matter of procedure, she's a dangerous woman.

PM'd you re another matter.

Thanks again for the read and comments.

Hey LC,

So I really liked this! Visually, I really enjoyed the Winter setting, and the contrast of inside the taxi and the cold outside appealed to me, in regards to how it would be filmed. In my head, it played out really well and the way you wrote it really helps, IMO anyway, visualise what's happening. It's not too descriptive, but it's just enough.

I scanned over a few comments and IMO I really like the twist ending. I think it works well. I really sympathised with Edie and the revelation of her crime, well, it made sense to me after all she had been through - in the land of story world anyway haha. I wasn't expecting that ending either. I thought maybe twisted taxi driver, Reg would get all creepy, but as it progressed I really liked his character, I had an 'awwwww' moment regarding Roise and his hat! Lol.

My only bit of advice is maybe I would add more mystery around Edie's character. Maybe after the flash back where her fiance hits her, we flash back inside the taxi and there's a spot of blood on her hand, or something. I don't know. Something... I love the story how it is but I do think this could be a lot more mysterious and 'on-edge', I just can't put my finger on it.

Technically, I had no problems with action/slugs etc. It read like a breeze.

Would love to be updated if you ever make any changes to this! Good luck!

Curtis

Quoted from Curtis Hey LC, So I really liked this! Visually, I really enjoyed the Winter setting, and the contrast of inside the taxi and the cold outside appealed to me, in regards to how it would be filmed. In my head, it played out really well and the way you wrote it really helps, IMO anyway, visualise what's happening. It's not too descriptive, but it's just enough.

Thanks Curtis!

Quoted from Curtis I scanned over a few comments and IMO I really like the twist ending. I think it works well. ... I wasn't expecting that ending either.

Really glad you were surprised.

Those who read the earlier (OWC) draft were 50/50 with the way I presented the surprise ending. Originally it was a newspaper insert. Happy you like this version. I think adding the cops and their chat is more effective.  ...

Quoted from Curtis I had an 'awwwww' moment regarding Roise and his hat! Lol.

That's revamped in this one, so I'm glad it worked.

Quoted from Curtis My only bit of advice is maybe I would add more mystery around Edie's character. Maybe after the flashback... there's a spot of blood on her hand, or something. I don't know.

This line is towards the beginning:

Edie stretches the cuffs off her jumper tight over her hands to cover angry looking cuts and bruises.

I decided if I came back to this line again after that flashback, or instead placed it at this particular point it would give away the twist and be too obvious she really is the villain of the piece. She does tug at those cuffs a couple of times so I don't want to run the risk of overdoing it.

Quoted from Curtis ... I love the story how it is but I do think this could be a lot more mysterious and 'on-edge', I just can't put my finger on it.

Yep, that's the tough part.

Quoted from Curtis Technically, I had no problems with action/slugs etc. It read like a breeze. Would love to be updated if you ever make any changes to this! Good luck!

Thank you so much for the fresh eyes on this Curtis. It's nice to get a review from someone who didn't read it before.

I remember you from before and you've obviously had a spell away from SS for a while. Have you something you're posting up soon?

If so, I'll be sure to give it a read and comment.

Libby

Hey, LC.

I remember this one from the OWC - one of the most memorable reads. I couldn't vote as I haven't participated but this would have got my vote.

Anyway,

Didn't know "felled" was a word! But it is.

I don't understand why she can't reach her phone - that's after the car hit the deer. I know she can't unbuckle her seatbelt but can't get the position she's in. Did you describe that in the script - can't believe I missed it. And I didn't skim or anything... but maybe I missed it. Anyway, please check - I think you don't have it in.

The part about the hat doesn't work for me - Reg didn't say anything about it.

The ending - it doens't work for me. The guy used to beat her up, so maybe she had a reason to kill him. She killed her husband after all. And he did cheat on her. Moreover he used to beat her. I don't know why she's the bad one here. So she killed him for those things. We don't get to hear her story...
I think it would work better if we learn at the end she's the villain. She doesn't seem so villainy because it looks like she had a good reason to do what she did.

Hey Libby,

Sorry for the delay. The truth is, it was hard to come up with any suggestions – there's not really much I'd change here. A very solid and satisfying script, overall.

Perhaps you could leave out some of the hard-to-film stuff, e.g. the accident scene. I'd just write:

Quoted Text A look of horror on his face. He slams on the brakes. EXT. ROUTE 89 – LATER Snow falls cover the trail of tire marks left by the taxi. Etc.

BTW, I found this a little confusing:

Quoted Text Reg is slumped in the driver’s seat, his hands still grip the steering wheel tightly. He wears the vacant stare of a dead man, eyes glazed, looking straight ahead.

Is it a flash forward, showing Reg actually dead, or does Reg just look dead at this point? I'm still not sure about this.

As for the final twist, I think it could be even bigger if Reg survived the accident and Edie died (from hypothermia or something). That way, he would also find out about the murder and have the chance to reflect on his misjudgement of character. (Not that he was entirely wrong about Edie – she had indeed been abused and cheated on.)

Well, that’s all. Great job with this one – dialogue, characters and all. Let's hope some talented filmmaker notices it.  

Manolis

I read this because the author said a nice hello to me (if you’re reading this, hi again!). And I enjoyed every line.

It’s really really good. It would look beautiful. It’s a simple story but compelling and didn’t feel obvious. I wasn’t expecting the ending but it made total sense. Made me re-think what I’d seen without hitting me over the head.

A crash is hard to stage... and a well-trained deer is even harder to find... but I’d really really like this film to get made.