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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Whiteout on Route 89 - OWC
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  Author    Whiteout on Route 89 - OWC  (currently 9834 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Whiteout on Route 89 by LC writing as Taxi T. - Short, Thriller - A blizzard on Route 89 has dire consequences for a woman on the eve of her wedding day, and the taxi driver who gets her to confess all. 18 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 22nd, 2016, 10:21am
revised draft
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eldave1
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A very solid start to the challenge.

This one has a solid twist, compelling characters and a vivid location. Quite a good read.Well done, Good job, writer.

I have some nit comments - the both bothersome of which there were just a couple of spots where the dialogue was unnatural to my ear.

The nit issues:


Quoted Text
In the dying light, a car barrels down the road, gaining
speed, its fog-lights and head-lamps on high beam.


Why not just tell us it's a taxi rather than a car.


Quoted Text
A dome light on the car’s roof switched to off
indicates the taxi is ENGAGED.


Really don't need this - we know from a few other things (the rolling neon letters, etc) that the Taxi is engaged.


Quoted Text
REG
Offer’s there you want it. I’m told
I’m a very good listener.


Think you need an "if" before you


Quoted Text
EDIE
Sorry, when you didn’t answer I
thought you were... I’m stuck. I
can’t move.


Too OTN here and unnatural dialogue.  We know what she thought - she's going to say something like Thank God here


Quoted Text
EDIE
Oh God, what are we going to do? I
can’t move. You can’t move. And
look -


Again - IMO - way too OTN





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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Good use of location, nice set up. The characters are more or less believable.

For me, the ending let it down considerably. It was a solid drama effort, with a good connection between the two. The twist at the end felt tagged on, and rather than adding something really detracted from the core of the story, for me.

Whatever it was that he wanted to tell Rosie seemed strangely absent at the end and it undermined the script.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the writing in this but then it all got a bit melodramatic at the end. I'd pass, but I think this could get produced.
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Cameron
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, really confused by this one.

First thing first, really well written. Kept me entertained throughout the entire piece, also well done on not going for a psycho taxi driver. I even felt something for the deer, personally I'd say it's the best written work I've come across so far.

Now, on the flip side, the twist at the end just didn't work for me. For some reason I assumed the twist would have been Reg was dead the whole time post crash (not sure that would have worked either), but it just didn't grab me.

This is definitely one of my favourites so far, everything worked but it just didn't nail the landing.

Well done

Cam
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Heretic
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Definitely don't think the final twist added much.

Well paced, I thought, but felt like it was building to something that didn't quite materialize. I'd actually have been more interested to see the story play out straight -- an old man at the end of a long marriage dies while a young woman breaking off hers, lives. The characters were engaging together and I felt there was something to learn from the two of them that we didn't get to.

That's a bit vague, but I guess I just thought I was going to get more at the end than I did -- mostly because it was all quite good.
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:02am Report to Moderator
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At first I thought it was a lot of writing, but it was good writing so it didn't stop me.  In the end I liked it.  Budget was a bit high with the crash and all but still can work around those things.  Dialogue was good enough for me and believable.  For an OWC, not bad at all.  Like the twist at the end, it worked for me.  Good one.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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I have mixed feelings here, because there's alot here that's very well done, but there's also alot that is poorly done.  There is talent here, but maybe this was rushed...not fully developed?

Obviously a Brit, based on some wording.

Great setting with the snow.  Great stuff with the deer and its plight.  Great dialogue (for the most part) from Reg.

Poor use of Slugs throughout - some downright incorrect.  Poor dialogue after the crash, especially from Edie.  Story doesn't quite work and feels rather light to me.  Final twist doesn't hit home, because it just wasn't properly set up.  Also, it's overwritten and dense and reads like alot more pages than it actually is.

But, as I said, it's a mixed bag and in a week, there are going to be issues most of the time.  Here, the good outweighs the bad and this is one I'll remember...and that's saying something.

Grade - B

Good job.

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DanC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 12:41pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with everyone.  

It's overwritten.  I'd say this person spends a lot of time prose writing and then decided to write a screenplay.  

The difference between the two is that writing novels is an orgy of words.  You start with a few, and by the end, you got thousands of them.  The more the merrier.

Screenwriting has been described as a duel of words with each word fighting for its right to exist on the page.  

Tone down the screen descriptions.  

Now, I get she was pinned.  But, I had wondered why she didn't freeze to death.  Reg died as expected.  She was gonna kill herself, so, you'd think that she'd have some way to do it.  Or she could have opened the window or something...

I actually think you could start with the accident and then make it more of a survival story.  

There's a good story here, just overwritten.

6/10

Dan

ps, is this the real route 89 near Ithaca, NY?  I've driven that quite a few times if it is.


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AnthonyCawood
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I liked this up until the accident itself then I felt it lost something and added melodrama.

Some of the dialogue felt a little OTN and expositiony  but was a decent effort.

Would a vulture be out in a blizzard?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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EWall433
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I like this one a lot. Seemed like a straightforward drama til the twist at the end. I suspected something of that nature. The only thing I could think to add is what if Reg sacrificed himself somehow to save her. Maybe moving a bit too much to pass her a blanket or something. Might add a bit more bite to the end. But this is already pretty good.

I see some didn't like the twist at the end. The reason it worked for me was because I never really felt like I knew Edie. Everything I supposedly knew was just Reg projecting onto her. Edie’s actual personality was barely there. With the twist though, it makes sense and finally fills out the character. Without the twist, Edie isn't really fleshed out. She's whatever Reg speculates she is, but never really expresses herself and is ultimately hard to connect to. This wouldn't have worked as well for me if it stayed straight drama. There simply wasn't enough to Edie for me to buy into the melodrama.
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Conz
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Small gripe, but how old was Reg when he got married, 15?
I noticed a lot of these scripts have prodding cab drivers.  Makes me thank my lucky stars that any driver I’ve ever had didn’t bug me.  I can’t stand small talk in real life.

This is dumb on my part probably, but I read “passenger seat” and think she’s riding in the co-pilot seat.  When I think about it though, it makes sense either way.  I’d probably just say “back seat” thought to avoid confusion from dipshits like myself.

Showing the crash takes this beyond “low budget.”  You could creatively just cut away or something there.  

I’ll admit, I don’t even know what a car bonnet is.

Sleet already turned to snow, no need to repeat that line.

Something about this dialogue bugs me What about your two-way radio? Or a cell
phone. I got one, if only I could find my bag.

I’d rather you just show he shuffling around clearly looking for her bag.

Also, there’s always a convenient “cell doesn’t work” angle to stories like this… but it’s necessary.  I miss the good ol’ days before cell phones for that.  You could get away with so much more in a story without having to tack the inevitable “the service here stinks” line.

Ok, nice little twist at the end.  I think maybe her story could have been told a little better, but that’s a nitpick.  I don’t like the voiceover “reminder” at the end.  You could have had Reg harp on that line a couple times during his dialogue along the way to really get it stuck in our brain.

Also, that newspaper headline is horrible.  Come on.  Don’t end on that.

I feel like you could have come up with a more clever title.  Something with a double meaning/hint to it, but again, I’m nitpicking.  Not bad.


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Warren
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Didn’t love it, didn’t hate it.

The writing was good and it was an easy read, although over written at times.

Found the dialogue towards the end over dramatic.

I think the deer alone would mean this isn’t really low budget.

The in your face ending could have been handled better.

Good effort.


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SAC
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 9:02am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Oh, you had me going with this till the end. I guess it just wasn't what I was expecting, or better said it didn't turn out the way I wanted, but that's me. The thing that bothered me the most was the newspaper headline at the end -- it's such an overused device and it took me out right there.

Your set up was good, I loved Reg's dialogue and could totally picture him and Edie. It was going smoothly, but something happened and I can't put my finger on it. A shift in Reg's dialogue maybe, or Edie's. Somewhere the shift just seemed abrupt, like changing the subject suddenly. I think if you would have kept them on there until speaking paths, and subtly made the changes you needed to make then you could have quietly handled Evie's reveal without that newspaper article. An A-Ha moment would have followed, and this story would've been great, IMO. Still, very good work!

Steve


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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes

As with the others, the ending didn't work well.  I don't mind the crash, but I mind the last headline.  I would rather that info come out with Reg in the car with her.  And in fact, I think it would be more effective if he susses it out, and she makes a move that causes him to crash.  hmmmm

Best
Richard
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JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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The story has definite promise and may have worked better (for me) if there were some clues to the crime along the way that would sum up the ending. Reg is 'well spoken' but agree with others on Edie's phrasing. More time and submitting for a two-week challenge would prove worthy!
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Hunter
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Make sure all of the description is necessary. Do we need to know that the car is a Ford? Probably not.

When Reg says "fiance, eh?" Edie has already mentioned her fiance before.

I did not see that twist coming at the end, but it made sense, wasn't too out there.


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khamanna
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I liked it a lot until I reached the ending - not because I didn't want it to end but because I didn't like the way you handled it. I don't know the right way to handle it but right now the VOis on the nose for me. And her inhandcuffs and all is rather abrupt. The fact that she might have killedher fiance isnot a twist for me either. He was cheating onher andbeating her.

But it was a captivating read other than that.
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stevie
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty much my fave at the moment though low budget it wouldn't be.

Really good set up and writing and its one of the few entries to have people trapped in cab in a proper way.

Recommend but will have budget issues



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MarkRenshaw
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I have very mixed feelings about this. It's overly written but this also sets the scene vividly. The first three pages are quite dull, I was expecting this to be just a charismatic cabbie charming the truth out of his customer on their journey and helping her make a major life decision.

The crash was a welcome change of pace and quite spectacular. Unfortunately this and the extreme setting puts this script beyond the reach of a lot of low budget producers.

After a few very tense and atmospheric moments, the script returns to the taxi driver trying to charm the truth out of Edie. Reg is a very likable character but some of the dialogue exchange doesn't quite work. It feels unnatural, especially when they are both seriously injured.

As others have mentioned the twist at the end comes a bit out of left field and also doesn't resolve what Reg asked Edie to say to his wife.

A well written script, an atmospheric story and a commendable effort for one week. With further drafts, I'm sure this will be stellar.

-Mark  


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Wes
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. Flows smoothly. Over all, a good piece of work.

Just a couple of things . . .
I do think Edie's dialogue is often too on the nose.
Not sure how to film "Keep Calm".


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stevemiles
Posted: August 18th, 2016, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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For some reason I read Reg as a Brit - wasn’t till the vulture appeared that I realised we weren’t in Scotland… Maybe it’s the name?  I reckon a UK writer behind this, something in Reg’s dialogue…

Anyways, not a bad idea.  I didn’t see the end coming, but unfortunately that left it feeling a bit tacked on -- the newspaper headline was pretty much from out of nowhere.  I did like the deer visual - it gives the whole thing a deeper meaning but Edie’s past was so hidden that I feel kind of cheated.  There’s nothing but the newspaper to suggest the truth -- or maybe i’m being harsh?

Didn’t feel much impact in Reg’s V.O. at the end.  Events were really beyond their control leaving them effectively passive in all this.  All we really get is a choice from Edie to tell Reg only a half truth.  Even Reg’s ‘tell Rosie’ angle got lost in the final scene along with the budget.

Nicely written, a little description heavy in places but it helped set the pacing/mood.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 3:44am Report to Moderator
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Decent effort.

Not sure about the vulture, in the snow.

Tighten up the ending, and perhaps make her more active, and it s nice tight tale

Consider


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 19th, 2016, 8:29am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written. I liked the different turns you had in this short.

I didn't see that ending coming. It was a nice twist, but I think it came out of nowhere.

Maybe, just maybe, the driver should tell her what he wants her to tell Rosie, and then she could say something like, That was beautiful, but just out of curiosity, was there ever a time you thought about murder.
Then maybe she could look at him and find him dead...

Just saying.

Good read though.

Congrats,
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realxwriter
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     It was a great accomplishment to engage me throughout the script from fade in till fade to black. It was certainly an enjoyable read. The writing, the dialogue, the character were all solid.

     But if I were to nitpick I would complain about how slow the first act was. I know that you can't force the pace out of the right tempo because of page count limitation, because it would feel unnatural. I wish you have found a way to get us over the introduction between the characters and the first reveals of Eddie story a bit faster. Because the good stuff only started after the car crashed. Before it the dialogue was too casual despite all the hints you tried to throw at us about Eddie internal emotion.

    Also it felt a bit forced that right after the crash Reg was requesting a confession. Didn't seem plausible nor natural in such a situation. You should have gave it time, something that would have been easy to do if you crashed the taxi earlier than you did.

    The reveal in the end was good but I wish it was great instead. The full impact of a twist or a reveal is when white turns out to be black not when grey turns out to be black. We already knew something was seriously wrong with Eddie at that point. Maybe even earlier. So the reveal was a mere explanation and had no momentum to affect us.

     One of the ways you could have got this fixed is by making Eddie resist all Reg attempts to get a confession. It might have been great if you left us with doubt about how right Reg was in his read of Eddie. You could have had her smile and show all the opposite signs of a woman in her situation just to lead us to that shocking reveal in the end.

    Like I said it's one of the ways I could think of. But you did great. This is a very solid script that got great potential despite the scary budget that could cost to get it produced. But after a few rewrites it could serve as a wonderful writing example.
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wonkavite
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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OMG - this one's awesome - one of my faves!  Frankly - so far from what else I've read - it deserves to be the winner of the OWC... or at least a runner up.

(I suspect I know who wrote it, but I could be wrong...)

My thoughts:

Maybe cap EDIE at her intro?

p. 8: suggestion – at first, Edie would likely try to argue her injuries are due to the crash.  But Regie mentions he saw them before… well,*this* thing…

General comment: I could also see Regie making a BRIEF comment about the crash being a “wake up call” – about how precious life can be, and Edie shouldn’t waste time with a loser that uses her as a punching bag… before they even tie the knot.  (Just saying! One doesn't have to be on the nose about it, but it's still an organic and satisfying line.)
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Gum
Posted: August 20th, 2016, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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Love this one, impressive, enchanting. Had a beautiful cinematic atmosphere to it... like The English Patient, I know, polar opposites (sand vs. snow). Felt like a silent requiem for some reason, or candle mass perhaps.

I hit a big ass Buck once, doing 120kmh... damn near ripped the thing in half, and totaled my truck. Physically I was fine (thank God for air bags) but, emotionally... it caused PTSD for awhile. I think, if Edie was in shock when they found her, maybe similar to Tom Hanks in 'Captain Phillips'... when it was all over he was an emotional train wreck and, it really gave you a sense of how trauma can creep up on you when you put your guard down. Just opinion of course.

Not a big fan of the ending... does Edie have to be a murderer? Go to prison? Kind of bummed me out because it was going along so peacefully, IMO. Great use of theme, well done.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 9:42am Report to Moderator
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Great writing! The ending didn't resonate with me - neither did Reg's speaking on the taxi holding him together. What did resonate with me was how the stakes kept getting raised, I kept wanting to go further. The imagery with the deer was fantastic.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, this was solid writing. The dialogue has a few issues but I see others have already discussed it at length.

I just wish you had gone a bit darker with this one. They're in this dangerous situation yet calmly discussing marital stuff. I like Reg's character a lot but not so much Edie. I could see her as a manipulative liar that spins a tale of marital bliss as part of a plan to get Reg to sacrifice himself to save her or something like that. Although that'd be a very different story and maybe one you're not interested in telling...

As written though, there's just not a lot of conflict. The crash is tense. But then he's doling out life lessons. This seems like a perfect set-up for a "you or me" scenario where only one person is gonna be able to make it out alive. But if that's not the kind of short you wanna write... I guess my advice would be just shore up the dialogue as others have mentioned.



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irish eyes
Posted: August 21st, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one.

I thought the writing was great and story kept me intrigued to the end... but then I felt a little let down with the headline... why? because I predicted it.

I was hoping for a bigger twist, but still one of the better entires.

good job on entering


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grademan
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Blizzards and buzzards don't mix. That and the deer, and the crash do not make this a low budget film. Though, the story could be transferred to any setting. The painstaking descriptions were appreciated but wore on the nerves. I thought the woman would be an abuser and the cabbie was in danger. Not too far off. The early tear was a bit of melodrama. Definitely trapped in the taxi. The ending was a bit cliche with the newspaper article. Not bad sir, not bad.
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ChrisBodily
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Last script for me. Better be good.

No time of day on INT. TAXI?

Ha ha! Fuck political correctness.

You should have introduced us to EDIE instead of being vague. Being mysterious and hiding details from the reader is one thing, but even in that case CAP some kind of name we can give him/her/them/it. Which I don't feel is needed here; there's nothing to hide.

"A pregnant pause, [...]" Huh?? You could have told us earlier she was pregnant; all part of introducing a character. Any vital info or factoid we (might) need to know (or to get to know the character) goes in the character introduction. Things like their name, age, physical features (pregnant), are they pretty, do they curse a lot, etc. Character intros are the one and only place in a screenplay where one or two unfilmables are okay, so long as they get us inside their head. Beware, some writers hate it.

Nice subtext when Edie snorts. Atheist? Agnostic?

You spelled out "Missus." Good job.  

Paul Newman actually said this! Wow!

"None of my business[,] I know[,] [...] tie the knot[,]"

"Emotional time[,] you know."


Quoted Text
Outside[,] the sleet has turned turns to snow,


"Offer’s [w]here you want it." I think???

"[...] near distance[,]"

"Sleet [turns] to snow,"

Replace INT. TAXI - RAVINE with a time of day.

"CD player[,] which[...]"

It's Santa Claus. "Clause" is the Tim Allen movie. Should also be in quotes. Also note that this song is copyrighted, and paying for a popular version might go beyond your budget. Then again, fake snow might blow your budget, unless you use real snow.

Not sure "Keep calm" is needed.

"Out of me way." Is that intentional, such as a British/Irish/pirate accent? Chief O'Hara? Lucky Charms Leprechaun?


Quoted Text
EDIE
Oh God, what are we going to do? I
can’t move. You can’t move.
And
look -


We can see that.

"Two-way" should be consistent; hyphen or no hyphen, make up your mind.

I'm gonna stop quoting typos. There's just so many of them; don't worry, I've seen worse in this OWC. A lot worse.

"Casualty" is an orphan.

Had to Google "Toddy."

Sylvia Plath is lost on me. Is this the poem you're talking about?

Passive voice.

"Mirror" is an orphan.

Great twist at the end.

The story makes up for any typos or shortcomings.

Recommend. A-

Whew. I'm done. And luckily, I ended on a high note.


FADE IN:
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SAC
Posted: August 28th, 2016, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
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LC,

Yes, I'm aware Janet likes this for STS. It was one of her faves. And as you know, I liked this one a lot except for the newspaper headline reveal at the end. I think someone might have mentioned two cops at the scene perhaps talking about the case. I think that'd work. Dave L. Did a similar reveal on his, with a news report on the radio. I think that worked well too.

This had a really cool vibe to it. I loved the dialogue of the driver, could totally picture him. And I loved the deer as well. This was a good one and I gave it a consider. Nice writing, and never would have pegged you for this...

Steve


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LC
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Before it's old news, I just want to thank everyone who chimed in on this one, and liked it! Best OWC for me so far. Still no mug, but getting closer.  

I could say more but I don't want to bore you all...

Other than to say, Chris: a 'pregnant pause' does not mean a woman is pregnant. It's use is as a loaded pause commonly comedic, but also for dramatic purposes. And Sylvia Plath had a tragic demise.

Btw, Chris, I made a comment, as did Dustin, in the general OWC thread, that your reviews are really appreciated. You give criticism, constructive suggestions, and score generously across the board. Positive encouragement to writers of OWC's when they can be a bit nerve wracking. On ya.

.........

Finally, this is being rewritten, minus the newspaper headline.

P.S. Steve, not sure if never would have pegged you as having written this is a compliment or not, but I'll take it.


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SAC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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It was meant as a good thing. There's only a couple writers I can peg, and that's usually because they have idiosyncrasies or styles I don't like. But this didn't read like an Aussie wrote it. Your driver's dialogue came off very American to me. As a whole, I don't think I've read anything like this from you before.


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DanC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Before it's old news, I just want to thank everyone who chimed in on this one, and liked it! Best OWC for me so far. Still no mug, but getting closer.  

I could say more but I don't want to bore you all...

Other than to say, Chris: a 'pregnant pause' does not mean a woman is pregnant. It's use is as a loaded pause commonly comedic, but also for dramatic purposes. And Sylvia Plath had a tragic demise.

Btw, Chris, I made a comment, as did Dustin, in the general OWC thread, that your reviews are really appreciated. You give criticism, constructive suggestions, and score generously across the board. Positive encouragement to writers of OWC's when they can be a bit nerve wracking. On ya.

.........

Finally, this is being rewritten, minus the newspaper headline.

P.S. Steve, not sure if never would have pegged you as having written this is a compliment or not, but I'll take it.



Wow, now, that's a name that I haven't heard in ages.  Sylvia Plath.  For those who haven't heard or read her story, check out "The Bell Jar."  

We had a huge, and I mean HUGE, discussion of her in philosophy and then in psychology class.  I won't spill it if anyone chooses to read her book, but, needless to say, she stunned the world several times over with her book.

Again, it's called "The Bell Jar" and it's her only book (read it and you will understand why) and it's a pretty fast read.  I don't recall it being a very long book (say 250ish, I think), but, it is a fascinating look into her mind.

You know, that actually brings me to an interesting question.  How much extra knowledge do we, as writers, especially as screenwriters, do we need in order to write a story and make it realistic.

Even in fantasies like say, Frozen, they did a ton of research on types of snow, the history of the land it takes place in (Scandinavia) and they admitted that they did hundreds of hours of research before writing the story.

Isn't writing fun?  But, it's our passion, right?

Dan

Libby, this was a good story and I hope you do expand on it.  I'd love to read it when you have it done.


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: September 6th, 2016, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DanC
You know, that actually brings me to an interesting question.  How much extra knowledge do we, as writers, especially as screenwriters, do we need in order to write a story and make it realistic


Well,  in this context not really any. There's just a passing reference to Plath in relation to, (like I said to Chris), her sad demise, and what similarly Edie had planned for herself.

I watch movies/read books/newspapers where often there is some cited reference to 'a person, an event in history, a place etc., that I've never heard of. Plenty of times I'm intrigued enough to know what the heck that reference was (which gets me frantically rewinding the film) and I'll do a search. Still, I'm a bit OCD that way - or call it hungry for knowledge. I also get it from my better half, also a writer.

There are plenty of references made everywhere, everyday, which unless you're a genius across the board you won't know.

The passing reference to Plath in R89 is less about if the audience knows of her, and more about character. Does Reg really know who Sylvia Plath is? It doesn't matter. It's about his assertion to Edie that he's not some dumb hick, and it's about her character too in that she's a trifle bit uppity/sophisticated and intent on letting him know she's more educated than him.

Sorry for the ramble, but no real research required here unless you're just plain curious.


Quoted from Dan
Libby, this was a good story and I hope you do expand on it.  I'd love to read it when you have it done.


Good? Oh no,  it's great! Only kidding. I'm copying Dustin's very confident assertion of his 'talent' professed on another thread yesterday which I quite admired for its audacity and egocentricity. And then I thought, why not.

This could be great with some fixes to Edie's dialogue, (yes, not good in spots, and I blame the rush!) and a good director and talent. STS, thanks to Janet, (and Jeff re slugs), is getting it, so you'll be able to read a new draft soon.

I am going to be doing a lot more concerted writing everyday - shorts and features, taking a leaf out of Dustin, Janet, Pia, and Stephen King's books. Actually, add RichardR to that - he churns 'em out like a freight train!

Less pontificating and sitting on my derierre and more writing every day.

Only then will I know if maybe I have something too.

Ramble over.





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AnthonyCawood
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Way to go Libby!

Writing every day is the only way!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
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And of course, let's not forget Anthony. Churning 'em out too!

Thanks mate. It definitely is.


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khamanna
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I really liked this one - it's memorable, I still know what it was about and that's the thing I think. If it stays with you it must be good.

Anyway, congrats Libby, it's well deserved and could have easily been the mug. But... next time)
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LC
Posted: September 7th, 2016, 7:25am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Kham. Very nice of you to say so!


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wonkavite
Posted: September 7th, 2016, 8:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Lib -

Thanks!  Yup, churning 'em out is pretty much a great thing to do.  It keeps you hungry, eager and really smooths the grooves for making so many aspects of screenwriting instinctual.

Two things I find work... I've got a word document called "Script Ideas" - I never let any passing idea slide (until or unless I decide it wasn't as good as I thought it was.)  

That, and don't self-censure.  Basically, pretend you're eight years old, and run after everything shiny thing that catches your eye.  Seriously... you never know where it'll take you!  

My five cents...  
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 7th, 2016, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Only then will I know if maybe I have something too.


You are talented. How can you be so unsure? Even in the remark above it goes from definite to unsure in the blink of an eye. You have something... and you should practise as much as you can.
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DanC
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 12:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


You are talented. How can you be so unsure? Even in the remark above it goes from definite to unsure in the blink of an eye. You have something... and you should practise as much as you can.


Libby,
    I totally agree with Dustin.  You are so talented.  I know we, as writers, are all unsure if we are any good or not, but, really, you are quite talented.  You inspired me to try that story.  So, don't ever feel that you aren't talented or that this idea isn't good enough.

Just keep writing, keep honing your craft and I know you will make it.  There are quite a few people on here that are just so damn talented.  I have a feeling that quite a few of us, once it's done, will have sales under our belt.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
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Okay guys, better stop now, I'm going a bit red.

Not that your comments go unappreciated.  Encouragement and advice noted.

And, I really wasn't fishing for compliments. Self doubt kicks in now and again,  but I believe I know where my strengths lie.

So, I'm going to stick with the new resolution.

Thanks again you lot.


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DanC
Posted: September 8th, 2016, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Okay guys, better stop now, I'm going a bit red.

Not that your comments go unappreciated.  Encouragement and advice noted.

And, I really wasn't fishing for compliments. Self doubt kicks in now and again,  but I believe I know where my strengths lie.

So, I'm going to stick with the new resolution.

Thanks again you lot.




Ummm, Libby,
You forgot to mention PAYMENT for the nice things that Dustin and I said about you.  You do recall our agreement, right??  Please send the cash ASAP...

J/K  you really are very talented and all of us suffer from anxiety and other issues when it comes to writing.  We all have doubts as to what we should do with our lives.  

Writing is hard.  I chuckle when people say how EASY we have it.  Just write up a story.  As if it's that easy...

Then again, don't people tend to marginalize how awesome the grass is on the other side of the fence and how awful their grass is from their side of the fence??

There are a number of people on here that I'm sure will make it, one day.  It might be tomorrow, it might be in a decade.  I've read that the rule of thumb is, from when you enter your first contest to when you should "expect" your first big sale is a DECADE after the first.  A DECADE.

This is a grind.  I can hear my inner voice saying "I should have been a pimp.  I could have been somebody..."

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for reposting!

This is an updated version of the script from the August OWC.

A few tweaks and an updated ending.

And, special thanks to Jeff (Dreamscale) the slugmaster.

Hope I got 'em right this time or I'm sure to get a rap over the knuckles.  


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eldave1
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Libby - still a delicious read. I like'd this one. Comments are definitely in the nit category.


Quoted Text
REG
Offer’s there you want it. I’m told
I’m a very good listener.


Unless it is purposeful - you need an "if" before you.


Quoted Text
The taxi fishtails wildly, slipping and sliding over the icy
terrain, but it’s too late, not enough time.

The violent impact propels the animal onto the bonnet. Reg
pulls the car hard the other way again to right it, car
smacks into a guard rail, becomes airborne, careens over a
bank, slides down into a ravine.


A real nit - but I think it reads better as:

The taxi fishtails wildly, slipping and sliding over the icy
terrain, but it’s too late, not enough time.
The violent impact propels the deer onto the bonnet.

Reg pulls the car hard the other way again to right it, car
smacks into a guard rail, becomes airborne, careens over a
bank, slides down into a ravine.

I like the deer hitting in the same action block of "it's too late."


Quoted Text
Keep calm, keep calm, keep calm.


Was the above suppose to be dialogue?


Quoted Text
A small team of emergency services pull Reg’s body from the
vehicle, lay him on a stretcher, put him in an ME’s van.


Would cap the characters and be specific on the count. e,g., Three EMERGENCY WORKERS (or paramedics) pull....


Quoted Text
Edie follows, alive, on another stretcher. A thermo-blanket
draped over her shoulders she is also escorted towards a
waiting ambulance, but her escorts are police officers and
she wears hand-cuffs.


The above needs a little work. Would they really handcuff her on a stretcher? I think it would work better if she was already standing by a police cruiser - cuffed - two cops at her side. Reg turns and notices her. - or, something like that.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Dave, love the delicious comment.  

*****However, I have spoken too soon.*****

This is NOT the updated draft. Still the Taxi T anon version.

The 'keep calm' is no longer in there for example. Ending changed too. Page count longer etc.

While I'm at it though:

You're right about the 'deer' comment btw.

'Offer's there, you want it.' This is the same line in the new version. Does a comma help/needed? This is the way I hear Reg speaking colloquially. I hear his speech running on, no 'if' required. The same thing with 'shift end' which I remember you commenting on. I used a hyphen to solve that one.

Anyway...

I'd love you to weigh in on the updated version when it's up.

I'll contact Don again.

Thanks Dave, for bringing it to my attention.


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Don
Posted: November 22nd, 2016, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Dave, love the delicious comment.  

This is NOT the updated draft. Still the Taxi T anon version.

I'll contact Don again.


Apologies, the revised draft is up.  

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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LC
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Thanks Don, just emailed you re my updated details etc.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
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Hey, Libby,

Let me get the negatives out the way first, I'm "BLOODY DISGUSTED" with you.  I was expecting to read eighteen pages, but you short-changed me.

Putting that aside -- I enjoyed this, your style is immersive and draws the reader right in.  The pacing was good, very visual, and I like the premise. However, not sure how original it is, but, hey, it's all in the execution anyway.

I thought REG and EDIE were real and that you had control of them. So kudos for avoiding one of the most common pitfalls, putting two characters out there who carry on a meaningless dialogue.

My one substantive comment; don't get me wrong, in the end a script just has to work, and yours does.   But I wanted a more earth-shattering reveal... for lack of a better word.

A side note:  I just saw Don's comment and yours.  I hope I read the right version. I started reading this about an hour ago.

Thanks for sharing...

Ghostie


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LC
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Hey Ghostie, twice in one week! Thanks so much for taking a look.  

This was originally an OWC, and the first of this type of script I've done a proper rewrite on cause it seemed to have some fans. It almost, almost, got a mug.   There was a ten/twelve? page limit for the challenge so I could be a lot more liberal with the revamp.

Ugh! It's a pet peeve of mine when writers leave in an extra blank page. I've no idea why it's so annoying but it is, isn't it?

I must get savvy with drop box or similar so I don't have to bother Don with updated drafts.

The idea with this one is to lull the audience along with Edie's sweet but mysterious character and then wham! with the reveal. Though I quite like what I've done with it I'm still not convinced I've got the balance right with what I do and do not reveal along the way with her character.

'Earth shattering' ending? I know what you mean. My object was definitely to shock and surprise in that denouement.

You know where there comes a point you no longer can see something with fresh eyes? That's where I sit with this even though I'm pretty happy with it.

I'd really like... Ooh, I didn't see that coming.

Thanks for the read and feedback mate. I very much look forward to reading another of yours.

P.S. I think it's safe to say you read the current longer version.


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eldave1
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Quoted Text
'Offer's there, you want it.' This is the same line in the new version. Does a comma help/needed? This is the way I hear Reg speaking colloquially. I hear his speech running on, no 'if' required. The same thing with 'shift end' which I remember you commenting on. I used a hyphen to solve that one.


You're fine. Just wanted to make sure it was a purposeful style thing rather than a typo.

This is still a visual problem for me:


Quoted Text
Edie follows, alive, on another stretcher. A thermo-blanket
draped over her shoulders she is also escorted towards a
waiting ambulance, but her escorts are police officers and
she wears hand-cuffs.


It's just the handcuffs - can't wrap my head around damaged enough to require a stretcher but threat enough to still need cuffs.

Great script over all


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
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Quoted from eldave1
This is still a visual problem for me:
It's just the handcuffs - can't wrap my head around damaged enough to require a stretcher but threat enough to still need cuffs.

Great script over all


I see what you're saying, Dave.

Imh, they'd cuff her as a matter of procedure, she's a dangerous woman.

PM'd you re another matter.

Thanks again for the read and comments.





Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  November 24th, 2016, 6:23pm
Amended response - half asleep. :)
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AmbitionIsKey
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Hey LC,

So I really liked this! Visually, I really enjoyed the Winter setting, and the contrast of inside the taxi and the cold outside appealed to me, in regards to how it would be filmed. In my head, it played out really well and the way you wrote it really helps, IMO anyway, visualise what's happening. It's not too descriptive, but it's just enough.

I scanned over a few comments and IMO I really like the twist ending. I think it works well. I really sympathised with Edie and the revelation of her crime, well, it made sense to me after all she had been through - in the land of story world anyway haha. I wasn't expecting that ending either. I thought maybe twisted taxi driver, Reg would get all creepy, but as it progressed I really liked his character, I had an 'awwwww' moment regarding Roise and his hat! Lol.

My only bit of advice is maybe I would add more mystery around Edie's character. Maybe after the flash back where her fiance hits her, we flash back inside the taxi and there's a spot of blood on her hand, or something. I don't know. Something... I love the story how it is but I do think this could be a lot more mysterious and 'on-edge', I just can't put my finger on it.

Technically, I had no problems with action/slugs etc. It read like a breeze.

Would love to be updated if you ever make any changes to this! Good luck!

Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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LC
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Quoted from Curtis
Hey LC,

So I really liked this! Visually, I really enjoyed the Winter setting, and the contrast of inside the taxi and the cold outside appealed to me, in regards to how it would be filmed. In my head, it played out really well and the way you wrote it really helps, IMO anyway, visualise what's happening. It's not too descriptive, but it's just enough.

Thanks Curtis!


Quoted from Curtis
I scanned over a few comments and IMO I really like the twist ending. I think it works well. ... I wasn't expecting that ending either.

Really glad you were surprised.

Those who read the earlier (OWC) draft were 50/50 with the way I presented the surprise ending. Originally it was a newspaper insert. Happy you like this version. I think adding the cops and their chat is more effective.  ...


Quoted from Curtis
I had an 'awwwww' moment regarding Roise and his hat! Lol.

That's revamped in this one, so I'm glad it worked.


Quoted from Curtis
My only bit of advice is maybe I would add more mystery around Edie's character. Maybe after the flashback... there's a spot of blood on her hand, or something. I don't know.


This line is towards the beginning:

Edie stretches the cuffs off her jumper tight over her hands to cover angry looking cuts and bruises.

I decided if I came back to this line again after that flashback, or instead placed it at this particular point it would give away the twist and be too obvious she really is the villain of the piece. She does tug at those cuffs a couple of times so I don't want to run the risk of overdoing it.


Quoted from Curtis
... I love the story how it is but I do think this could be a lot more mysterious and 'on-edge', I just can't put my finger on it.

Yep, that's the tough part.


Quoted from Curtis
Technically, I had no problems with action/slugs etc. It read like a breeze. Would love to be updated if you ever make any changes to this! Good luck!

Thank you so much for the fresh eyes on this Curtis. It's nice to get a review from someone who didn't read it before.

I remember you from before and you've obviously had a spell away from SS for a while. Have you something you're posting up soon?

If so, I'll be sure to give it a read and comment.

Libby


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khamanna
Posted: December 5th, 2016, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, LC.

I remember this one from the OWC - one of the most memorable reads. I couldn't vote as I haven't participated but this would have got my vote.

Anyway,

Didn't know "felled" was a word! But it is.

I don't understand why she can't reach her phone - that's after the car hit the deer. I know she can't unbuckle her seatbelt but can't get the position she's in. Did you describe that in the script - can't believe I missed it. And I didn't skim or anything... but maybe I missed it. Anyway, please check - I think you don't have it in.

The part about the hat doesn't work for me - Reg didn't say anything about it.

The ending - it doens't work for me. The guy used to beat her up, so maybe she had a reason to kill him. She killed her husband after all. And he did cheat on her. Moreover he used to beat her. I don't know why she's the bad one here. So she killed him for those things. We don't get to hear her story...
I think it would work better if we learn at the end she's the villain. She doesn't seem so villainy because it looks like she had a good reason to do what she did.
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Athenian
Posted: December 11th, 2016, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Libby,

Sorry for the delay. The truth is, it was hard to come up with any suggestions – there's not really much I'd change here. A very solid and satisfying script, overall.

Perhaps you could leave out some of the hard-to-film stuff, e.g. the accident scene. I'd just write:


Quoted Text
A look of horror on his face. He slams on the brakes.

EXT. ROUTE 89 – LATER

Snow falls cover the trail of tire marks left by the taxi.

Etc.


BTW, I found this a little confusing:


Quoted Text
Reg is slumped in the driver’s seat, his hands still grip the
steering wheel tightly. He wears the vacant stare of a dead
man, eyes glazed, looking straight ahead.


Is it a flash forward, showing Reg actually dead, or does Reg just look dead at this point? I'm still not sure about this.

As for the final twist, I think it could be even bigger if Reg survived the accident and Edie died (from hypothermia or something). That way, he would also find out about the murder and have the chance to reflect on his misjudgement of character. (Not that he was entirely wrong about Edie – she had indeed been abused and cheated on.)

Well, that’s all. Great job with this one – dialogue, characters and all. Let's hope some talented filmmaker notices it.  

Manolis
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Shakey
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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I read this because the author said a nice hello to me (if you’re reading this, hi again!). And I enjoyed every line.

It’s really really good. It would look beautiful. It’s a simple story but compelling and didn’t feel obvious. I wasn’t expecting the ending but it made total sense. Made me re-think what I’d seen without hitting me over the head.

A crash is hard to stage... and a well-trained deer is even harder to find... but I’d really really like this film to get made.
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LC
Posted: December 6th, 2017, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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Atng,  thanks so much for the read and review.

FYI, this was an entry for a OWC,  (One Week Challenge).  SS has these challenges every few months. You get a week to write on a particular theme/genre, set page count etc. Hang around and you can partake.

Yep, this one is a little ambitious but I've been surprised in the past as some more seasoned filmmakers sometimes give them a go.

Thanks again for your kind words, glad you enjoyed it.


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Shakey
Posted: December 9th, 2017, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Well that sounds exciting. OWC... QC... the joy of new acronyms!

Thanks for explaining. I found the board that described the October OWC, and saw people speculating about what the M means... and what the U means... though I didn’t manage to find where or how the actual challenge was posted. How do you find out when and what the next one is? I take it that Don makes it obvious somehow...

I’m hoping the next one turns up at a time when I can fully embarrass myself by gawkily taking part. Cringe.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 9th, 2017, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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There's usually an OWC in Jan, Apr, Jul and Oct.


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Shakey
Posted: December 9th, 2017, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Thanks! Shame there isn’t one for the Christmas holidays. Or, like, more particularly in exactly one week’s time because that would suit me perfectly.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: October 2nd, 2023, 4:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey you -- I wish I could’ve read the original so I have nothing to reference back to. Sorry, I know, some peeps are a bit finicky about digging up their older scripts, but this one isn't too terribly old --

Anywaz -- great work, Gurl -- you tell the story in a cinematic style, and descriptions are clear and lean, getting the rather gory ideas across while exercising some welcome restraint. Definitely thumbs up on the dialogue. if it's going to carry much of the freight, it has to really zing off the page, and yours does. Especially Reg's.

What I really luv about it, the way you captured the plights between Reg/Edie&the deer, and having the man put the deer out of his or her  misery was absolutely brilliant!

A trivial thing. The "twist" at least for me... wasn't much of one at all. Really.  I mean, you sort of gave it away with the memory flashes, and some of Edie's defensive responses to Reg's questions got my spidey - senses on high alert, but hey, it didn't stop me from enjoying it to the end and expressing approval.

I dunno, maybe it was a good thing cos it makes me feel like you weren’t banking on the twist too much to carry it, which is a +.  If that makes sense. Overall, a very good smooth enjoyable read. Top draw. -A




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LC
Posted: October 2nd, 2023, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, a blast from the past, thanks Andrea!

Your notes are spot on.
Atmosphere - tick.
Ending - a little underwhelming, or at least not entirely satisfying for most.

Funny I was looking at the thread and noticed Kham's comment about the husband obviously abusing the Edie. I originally wanted to highlight the atypical - an abusive woman character making her partner's life a misery and that in the end she goes too far.

Of course naturally we assume Edie is victim but she's perpetrator. I wanted more focus on that aspect without any kind of suggestion of infidelity but it would have meant more focus on the husband when OWC parameters were two characters in a car.

I was pretty pleased with it regardless of that.
Great main male character name, dontcha' think?  


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