This started out very intriguing to me, but never really got around to the horror, and the ending just sort of slipped away. I think the part where it most lost me is when Michael is revealed and turns into an exposition machine. Something a little more primal, uncontrolled and horrific would've been preferred there. As is, I felt like I was still being fed information instead of being involved in an emotional experience.

However, everything leading up to that is brilliant. It was written-well, and I can tell the writer has a clear vision of what they're writing, but the script felt like a single scene in a larger story rather than a satisfying, self-contained tale.

It's not perfect, but this Little Red Riding Hood sure is looking good.

"And you may see yourself..."

And you may ask yourself... Well, how did I get here? This line made me switch from Sam the Sham to the Talking Heads.

Great job.

Recommend. A-

Haunting story. Thumbs up for the effort.

May have been rushed. There was really an awful lot of awkward action writing and the dialog needs a major overhaul. I'm sorry I don't have time to point out examples. After the reveal, if the writer has spent time on my entry I will come back and try to help with some more notes. There really is a lot of editing needed here.

But I really like the effort! And when you consider that this was an adaptation of Red Riding Hood, that makes it even more impressive.

Most OWC's have characters that we don't care about. I mean like 99% of them. But strangely I did find myself caring for her, which is odd because she says very little and we know nothing about her, other than that she was a victim. So I guess it's a situational thing. The fact that it's a victim, a young woman, someone trying to face her nightmare. We all have nightmares of a sort, so by the end I really started to identify with her.

The writing, especially in the early going, was awkward enough that I would have stopped had I not seen this script getting a lot of votes. That encouraged me to press on, and I'm glad I did, but akward writing can really cause you to lose your reader, so keep working at it, that's what we writers have to do!

Really enjoyed this one. Well done.

Thank you all for your kind and helpful reviews. I wasn't so sure my script could get any positive reception since the formatting of the hypnosis gave me some headaches and I feared it could look like hieroglyphs in the reader's mind.

I see that a lot of you had problems with the ending. Indeed, it isn't that powerful and more of a sad, boring ending as is.

Eventually, it was the one opportunity I found yet, to carry the message of No End of those Wolves; no way out for the victims of those beasts; and more than that, no way out for the therapists, whose task is to fix and heal their patients' wounds. It's lost.

So... in a sense, there truly is no ending here and I thought I shouldn't cheat about that fact and drag the story somewhere it doesn't belong. I'm just not sure by now how to translate that outcome with a more intriguing ending.

Here, I somehow used Doctor Kyle to help to finally explore the true strength of Dr. Francesca, her strength to deal with it. She knows she can't fix things properly. She knows she's not capable. It's the truth.

And instead, her real honor and integrity, her absolute qualification, is that she understands the defeat, and wins, if one can say so, in accepting it and trying to help Evelyn as good as she can. That is her only realistic possibility in this situation. And she sees that clearly. She's sad about it but she nevertheless understands.

An interesting fact is that the original French storyteller whose fairytales were constantly adapted by the Brothers Grimm later, meant Red Riding Hood to be a message for kids to not talk to strangers, especially men. There was a lot of understanding about sexual abuse against children and the danger especially within men, even back in those days...

Thank you again. It was a big task to get this hypnosis across, especially those black screen vision and all that transforming stuff. I wasn't sure one could follow the script there, so I'm happy some parts seemed to work well.    

I will analyze your feedback soon
Alex

This is a great script Alex, I think it's my favourite of yours and was one of my recommends.

I'd encourage you to flesh this out a bit now outside the challenge and see if you can expand the story, it feels like there's so much more you can do with this, there's lots of potential.  

Thanks, Mark. I liked your entry as well.

I'm quite happy some members one time seemed to enjoy my OWC script. My entries usually get demolished.

I need to think about the ending of the script.

This was very impressive. Got my recommend - absolutely, no second thoughts about it. I'll reread it someday.

Thank you Kham. It means a lot to me to hear that.

Fortunately, I can return the compliment since your entry was clearly in my top 4, found it super entertaining.

I need to work on the ending of No End of Wolves soon and hopefully upload a new version before X-mas.

Hey Alex,
    Dammit, I was gonna film it ONLY if I could terrorize kids.  Oh well

I don't think that disclaimer is needed.  I don't know if we will ever see another Omen or Exorcist type story where kids play tough parts like that, especially given the issues that both went through.

I groaned in it ONLY because it could have been so eerie.

If you get a chance, watch a music video called Alison Hell.  I got kinda the same vibe from it.

I had no issues following the hypnosis world.  I also think you could have just intercut back and forth so that the readers know we are flip-flopping back and forth from the office to the fantasy world.

I didn't get the sense of doom and gloom.  Perhaps instead of her having a seizure, what if she full-out flips out, screaming, thrashing about,  perhaps biting off her lip.

OR what if while he bites her lip in that hypnosis world that she either bites her own lip off, OR you do the Freddie thing and have the lip get "invisibly" bitten off like in CandyMan or Nightmare on Elm Street.

OR, what if he tells her that had she left the memory alone she would have been fine, but because she sought out help and entered "HIS realm" that she's trapped there for all eternity.

Make her pay for her choices.

I know that I find the scariest stories the ones that I make the same mistakes that the protag would have.

You have a good solid base, but, you need to take it further and really make her pay.

Oh, and scare the crap out of some little kid

KIDDING, that beginning irked me like people wouldn't know not to really have a kid jump a shark or something...

Oh wait...

Out
Dan

Thanks for the read, Dan.

I considered all your helpful comments from the OWC and now the rewrite is up.

Here is the teaser poster from script revolution, for entertainment purposes only :-)





Even though, compared with the previous draft, there is few to none physical violence left in the script, it still feels like a horror script; somehow on a psychological basis. It's definitely not a thriller to me, so I think I listed it wrong. Once a mod, if reading, likes to move it over to horror, would be fine… however it's not that important

Alex

Hey, no living soul read my OWC rewrite yet. Only myself.

I was so curious about how the new ending works and all that.

Wow, Alexander, your dialog has really come a long way. It's very, very good. All of the writing was good, but I tended to focus more on the dialog, and I was very impressed.

I am curious and intrigued about the ending. Perhaps you will be willing to expand on what's going on here? I'll be back later, I'd love to hear what you had in mind with the story.

Quoted from leitskev Wow, Alexander, your dialog has really come a long way. It's very, very good. All of the writing was good, but I tended to focus more on the dialog, and I was very impressed.

Thank you, Kevin.

It makes me very happy to hear that. And of course it was you guys who pushed me forward in any direction.

Quoted from leitskev I am curious and intrigued about the ending. Perhaps you will be willing to expand on what's going on here? I'll be back later, I'd love to hear what you had in mind with the story.

I noticed that the main critique of the first draft was aimed at the ending. There, if you remember, Dr. Francesca had a talk, with another Doctor, about her failure - and it wasn't coming through that the story should indeed switch and show what clear impact Evelyn's fate has on Dr. Francesca, who follows all those lives, patients, their fears and chasms in a daily routine. I tried to imagine how she feels, what's behind her professionalism, especially when losing as here. And when she gets those tics behind her desk, not knowing what to do, emptiness, confusion, sadness, I magined her doing what we all would when overchallenged; go outside, and take a breath. Then, the very last picture is definitely not real. It is a metaphor, a parable of her soul.

Between all those Michael McKinleys and Evelyn Monroses of this world, there's also standing one Dr. Francesca Cole. Her story is the only unknown.

So, from the start, the heart of the story was a lot about her. To be clearer about that, in this draft, I took back a bit of the Wolf and Red Hood confrontation and gave more space to the therapist in the last act.

I did not read the original (was not in the OWC).

Okay - let me start with a couple of nits:

Quoted Text A BLURRED VIEW fixates a desk crammed with IT equipment, psychology books, papers,and a brass angel statue. The small statue gets more and more in focus, whereas the adjacent objects blend into absolute blurriness.

I would CAP the first Angel Statue. I think the second block would read better as:

As the Angel Statue comes into sharp focus, the adjacent objects blend into absolute blurriness.

This block is a little confusing:

Quoted Text DR. FRANCESCA COLE (45), casually dressed with a blonde up do hairstyle, sits amid her tidy therapy room.

Amid her therapy room? - In a chair - on the sofa? We already know where in the room for the scene heading - why not just say specifically where she's sitting.

Quoted Text Evelyn stares at the desk few steps ahead.

This line didn't make sense as is - is there suppose to be an "a" between desk and few?

Okay - to the general. Overall I thought this was fucking brilliant. You had me all the way. The hypnosis (tricky stuff) was handled so well - expertly.  Really great work here.