Hi, That was a long 15 pages. Lots of awkward writing, I'm thinking English isn't your first language. Dialogue is on the nose. Its kind of over formatted with all the constant fading in and out. Its not technically incorrect but it blows out the page count and stilts the read. The setup about a blind guy that is very intuitive was okay and then it just went sideways. SPOILER The quote below pretty much sums it up for me, I just cringed.
Quoted Text A HOARSE WHISPER Alright. You got me. I’m a demon. Maybe not the most powerful one, but still I can do terrible things. MR HALEY What? But how did you -- A HOARSE WHISPER Oh, a bunch of retarded satanists next door summoned me two days ago. Nothing too fancy actually. |
Sorry but this one wasn't for me. You can work on you writing ability by reading more scripts and articles on screenwriting. Good luck with it. |