no prob - glad it helped

Got it wrong, Warren. I thought that the two guys killed him in the closet but we just didn't see it, hence why I thought one of them should be holding a landline. Still, not too sure why he sees his own body if he was killed a while ago. Is there something else I'm missing?

I guess he has no concept of how long ago he was killed and it's irrelevant to the reader in the context of the short.

Seeing his body in the flashback is just a more visual representation of what he understands when he sees the bruising around his neck. I think it adds more punch.

I can really appreciate how your scripts just flow.  I breezed through it like it was nothing, it was such an easy read.  

I didn't see the ending coming.  But, like I've seen in one of the other comments, I was confused that he saw himself in the wardrobe.  I thought that it had just happened and was wondering why the two men couldn't see a clearly dead body.  It took reading through the comments to understand that this had happened a while ago.  

Anyway, I enjoyed the story and was hooked all the way to the end.

Well done.

Nolan

Hi Nolan,

Thanks for the read and positive feedback.

Not sure how I can clear the ending up anymore. Does the flashback not insinuate that it is in the past?

I have a bit of a habit of thinking all the parts are there to piece the story together and then it not really gelling. The intruders/homeowners say that they would like to report a break in, without making this too on the nose, I felt this was clear enough to point out that they were the occupants.

I am interested to know what you thought happened so I can understand where this is falling short. I don't write that the men killed Adam or could even see him. Adam notices the strangulation marks around his neck and realises that 'in the past' hence the flashback he hung himself in the wardrobe.

So that is all very clear to me because I wrote it but if someone could specifically point out what they think is missing that would be a massive help.

Thanks again.

As I think about it more, it makes sense that he ran to the wardrobe where he ending up dying.  And if I think about it that way, then it's pretty clear to me.  

When I read it the first two times, it came down to the fact that the wardrobe he was killed in was still there with new owners.  Perhaps I'm thinking into it too much, but would they have all of the same furniture?  Unless they rent the place and it's fully furnished.  Again though, that's me thinking WAAAYYY too much.  

So that's what threw me off.  I couldn't picture the fact that it had happened in the past due to the furniture, and I couldn't figure out why they couldn't see a dead body in the wardrobe.  I'm not sure if I'm making any sense with that reasoning.  

Nolan

Oh okay, I did toss up between wardrobe and closet. I think a closet is built into the wall and a wardrobe is free standing. Maybe that could add some clarification.

In my mind it is built in, but potentially the word choice was incorrect.

I think that may help, thanks.

No problem.  A closet would definitely make more sense to me.  

Warren,

The link is bad.

Or you removed the script.

Either way...I can't read it.  

::Sad face::

Jordan

Hi Jordan,

I've pointed this out to Don, just waiting for the fixed link to go up. It can be accessed through my website using the link in my signature block it you would like to access it that way.

Thanks.

Warren, I downloaded this the other day. I've deliberately not read the other comments so bear with me if I repeat anything already said.

I enjoyed this a lot. Didn't pick the twist at all. The thin man and the muscular man at the top - amazing what a clever set up does - I pictured them as burglars, home invaders, though none of that was in the description. Well done with that.

The ending is suitably creepy. Just something is missing...

The only added thing I could suggest is that you make more use of the photographs when Adam rushes upstairs. Show it as he sees it, as his home, to add to the suspense/misdirection. Perhaps show a visual photo of Adam as he passes one of those pics of him and his wife (the previous house occupants). Maybe wifey killed him - mind you, that'd have to be him looking down at a knife plunged in his belly - hmm, that wouldn't be bad.

Do a wipe where at the end we see perhaps a wedding photo of thin and muscular man where the photo of Adam once was.

While I was writing that I thought of another alternative: Adam is a kid, old enough to be home alone without a babysitter - an even scarier set up for a home alone burglary - which it is not, as it turns out, but you get what I mean..

Maybe I'm getting carried away with myself but you do well with the kids and gory unhappy endings, so just my thoughts.

It's good either way, and enjoyable and very effective.

Hi LC,

Thanks for the read and positive feedback.

I did initially write this with a flash on the frame, funny you should mention that. I decided to cut it out because I felt it was essentially the same twist twice and potentially spoon feeding it to the reader.

As for as making it a younger person, that would work well, but I'll probably leave it as is. If a producer decided to change the age though I'd definitely have no issues with it. I also think I need to lay off the kids and gory unhappy endings for a bit, don't want to get put on a watch list

Although my next script does involve a kid, it's kind of a happy ending.

As far as murder vs. suicide, I'm more inclined to go with suicide, it's a recurring theme in my script as I am fascinated by it.

So I really do like your suggestions and even had one of them in the original script, but for the moment I think I will leave it unchanged.

Thanks again for reading, much appreciated.

Linked fixed.

- Don

This has just been optioned to two extremely talented film students. After seeing their previous projects I'm really excited about how this might turn out.

Very cool, Warren.