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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Satnav - WT
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  Author    Satnav - WT  (currently 2271 views)
Don
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Satnav by Anthony Cawood (AnthonyCawood) writing as XXX - Short, Thriller - A woman's infidelity takes her on an unexpected journey when her scorned husband hacks her car's navigation system. 1 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 21st, 2018, 6:06am
revised draft
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MarkItZero
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hm. Last line maybe a bit too far. I liked the build up, was actually pretty funny in parts with her just saying fuck every time. Nice job overall.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
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Like MarkIt said, the last line might've been a tad overkill, but overall I enjoyed this. I think it would've been fine to end it on the last text that David sends, "Enjoy the ride". But anyway, I liked this one a lot.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Liked the txt message spelling touch, decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Nice this one but I'd keep the original Satnav's voice - might have more of a punch on screen this way. You managed to pack a lot in this story which is pretty impressive.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Satnav
Not enough. The picture isn't complete; either you have a punch line or a full narration – it's between yet
2



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ScottM
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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The satnav should all be a V.O.

Agree the last line is a bit cringeworhty.

A decent effort though.


Any thoughts on my work in progress would be appreciated.

The Digger

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1521688645/s-0/#num2
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JEStaats
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A good effort but the format was kind of weird. The texts should be capitalized/italics or quotes? Also better describe what she is texting back. I didn't get it at first that she was actually responding. Didn't like the different male voice on the SatNav either. A coincidental text response would be better IMO.
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Stumpzian
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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So, David has hacked into her car's navigation system in order to send her to her death?
A few things need to be a tad clearer. For example, I don't get why there's a different voice at the end.
Nontheless, I like the storyline.



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ajr
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I didn't understand how her death was caused until I read Stump's comment. If so, it's an unclear and interesting idea that suffered because of the one page constraint. If not, I think it's haphazard. So I'm torn on how to vote. We really need half stars for scripts that we feel up the middle about.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Warren
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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The last piece of dialogue really lets this down. Doesn’t matter how you read it, it just comes off cheesy and you instantly lose all the tension you’ve built.


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RJP
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, great work. Having misspelled words in the text messages is a good touch.

I'm not a fan of the punchline at the end. My vote is to take it out-- but in the end this is your story.
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SAC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 6:47am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Liked the whole text messaging angle, though I’ve still to understand what a Satnav is and that kinda threw me. Assuming it’s the voice of the GPS, so maybe I’m just behind the times. Still, decent tale but a cheesy ending.

Steve


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LC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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Satellite Navigation - SatNav is just another synonym for a GPS - Global Positioning System - the little box in your car that tells you where to go.

I really like this. I just think it could be constructed a little better. You build the tension but then it kinda falls a little flat with:

Ahead, the road is blocked, tarmac washed down a hillside.

SATNAV
(different Male voice)
Sarah, your death-ination is ahead.

I'd pick a visual of a looming cliff face or similar after he says: Enjoy the ride. Or better yet: Looks like your ride is over, Sarah - or similar. Ditch the phone messages, keep the SatNav - have the SatNav's voice David's voice from the start, or cut early on, and, have the doors unable to unlock, and the brakes go at the pivotal point.

You can develop this and it'll be terrific.
I'll vote accordingly.

Great idea.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 4th, 2018, 10:39pm
Auto-correct is illiterate. :) Brakes
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SAC
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 7:49am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Ohhh. My bad.


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