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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Oil
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Don
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Oil by Dylan L Meuser - Short, Thriller - A young aboriginal women is kidnapped by a lonely oil worker and has to reconnect with her heritage to escape.   51 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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HyperMatt
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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When I clicked on here, I had a picture in my head of some JR Ewing type drama.
Very interesting logline. But 51 pages is a bit too long for a short.


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eldave1
Posted: October 17th, 2018, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Dylan:

I would flip the opening so that we know who "she" is right away. i.e., you have this:


Quoted Text
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

A beam of light shines through an old wooden window. This is
the only light she will receive all day. A Dream Catcher
dangles from the window sill, it looks homemade of twigs and
threads.

She looks up into the skylight, a beautiful aboriginal women
thin and frail. SHENOA, no more then twenty years old. Her
bright eyes look up as if freedom is close but too far.


I would go with something like:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY


A beam of light shines through an old wooden window. SHENOA (20)  a beautiful aboriginal women,thin and frail, looks into the light.

A Dream Catcher dangles from the window sill, it looks homemade of twigs and
threads.

Sorry - but the one full page of dialogue is far too dense. You're not going to get many peeps to read beyond that and we don't have any idea who Shenoa is talking to.


Quoted Text
A door nob twists. Footsteps make the sound of somebody
sprinting. SHENOA is dashing to the front door.


Make it active - Shenoa dashes to the front door.

You only CAP the characters when first introduced.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: October 18th, 2018, 1:44am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Why does it 'look' homemade? Why can't it just be homemade? Why isn't the writer sure?
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