Quoted from leitskev Working on the prose version. My main problem was with the helicopter, which seems very over the top. I am trying to find some more subtle way to create that sense of enclosing danger. For example, I might have Robert's brother on the land nearby plowing with a tractor. I know a tractor is slow, but still threatening, and she ain't running anywhere. If we really needed to, maybe there are a couple dogs running along with the tractor, playing, but a clear menace. Robert's action at the end with the police closing in would have to be adjusted. He is an accomplice after all. Can make it work.

Kev, I think it (the helicopter/dogs) just wouldn't happen that fast. Emergency operators ask way many more questions before sending in the big guns.

Perhaps you could just have an early morning jogger (maybe a dog walker), spring them both and spot the freshly dug grave.

Or, yes, just sound effects.

Yeah. I am keeping everything but trying to replace the helicopter. Right now I have a man running a tractor across the street who looks like Robert's brother. And he has a dog running laps around the tractor. I'm hoping this creates some level of threat. I understand what Pia is trying to do here in increasing the pressure, I'm just trying to find a more believable way to do it. Working on it now!

Thanks Khamanna for reading. I will take your thoughts in consideration as I'm re-writing this this afternoon.  

Now that is a bad hangover!

I liked the story and I think this will work really well with plenty of mystery and tension. I was confused by the same stuff Dave mentioned which took me out of the read a couple times. But I see you realize you need to change that...

Quoted from Grandma Bear I need to clarify why she's horrified when she wakes up. She's horrified at her own behavior and wonder what the hell she's done. She doesn't wake up scared of him.

Maybe have her wake up alone, we see the wedding band, there's an empty vodka bottle next to her... then a noise from the bathroom, a male voice, she sees men's clothing and a wallet on the nightstand. She grabs the wallet, looks at picture of a man she obviously doesn't recognize, reacts with distress/shame.

She hears him flush, quickly scoops up her clothes and runs out.

Also, I would try and work in some line that explains this as a recurring issue. That she has these episodes where she wakes up and doesn't know what happened.

Quoted Text JENN Peter, I'm not sure what has happened, but I'm okay and I'm on my way home... I love you.

Could add something like...

Quoted Text JENN Peter, I'm not sure what has happened, it's worse this time. I know you must be worried. But I'm coming home... I love you.

As for the ending, I believe you're setting up Robert as some sociopath that she met at the bar and he gets sick satisfaction out of helping her kill her husband. I just don't think he'd be okay with the cops arriving. Even if he didn't do the deed, he's covered in blood so it's not a good look for him. Not sure how to fix this. Maybe he snatches the phone before she can call the cops? Although it puts good pressure on the situation having that ticking clock...

Thanks for reading James!  

Quoted from MarkItZero As for the ending, I believe you're setting up Robert as some sociopath that she met at the bar and he gets sick satisfaction out of helping her kill her husband. I just don't think he'd be okay with the cops arriving. Even if he didn't do the deed, he's covered in blood so it's not a good look for him. Not sure how to fix this. Maybe he snatches the phone before she can call the cops? Although it puts good pressure on the situation having that ticking clock...

You nailed it! Robert is a psychopath. A serial killer in the making. When he meets Jenn and she tells him how angry she is with her unfaithful husband and that she would like to kill him, that's all it takes for Robert to take that step into killerhood. You are right about the chopper and stuff and I was working on this yesterday. Not finished yet. I woke up this morning to an email with someone enquiring about filming it, but I will still finish it because it needs a little fixing.

Thanks everyone for the reads and input!

Called it.

Quoted Text Can’t wait for this to be picked up.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Called it. Gabe

We're still just at the emailing stage, but it's still pretty quick.  

Pia,

Thanks for the info. Sorry it's taken so long to reply-- I haven't been online in a while.

I've read your script twice, now. My overall impression is that it's in interesting story. I think the potential is there for a really great script, however, there are some issues with execution. I'll start with the technical aspects first, followed by the narrative elements.

On a technical note, No Recollection is well written for the most part(I think I saw a couple of punctuation errors, but nothing major).

You did a great job describing the scenes, where the story takes place. It was very easy to visualize. Same goes for the chase sequence between Jenn and Robert.  

The dialogue is also a standout--especially the story that Robert tells about the cat(and how he relates that to Jenn's circumstances).  There was a scene that I think could've been condensed--particularly the scene where Jenn was looking for a location on her phone, and zooming out. I think that could've been shortened in a way that would still convey what's going on.

I have two issues regarding elements of your script. The first is when we're introduced to Robert. In his introduction, you wrote "His mind as cunning as a starving fox." Personally, I'd get rid of that as there's no way we can know that while he's sleeping, when we're just introduced to him. Just a suggestion, though. Secondly, you missed a FADE OUT at the end.

In terms of a narrative, it's an interesting concept. One of the things that stuck out to me was that Jenn had no memory of what happened. Was it from drinking? Is it a medical condition? I'm not sure if it will fit in your script, but that bit of backstory might help me understand better how the character got into that situation.

Also, when Jenn woke up, and ran out of the house. Given that there's another chase sequence later on, It might work better if the conversation between Robert and Jenn took place in the house, then a chase ensues leading to the husband's grave. Right now, it seems like she ran, had a conversation with Robert, then ran again. That leads me to my next point: Why is Robert chasing her? I was a little confused about that. Is he trying to kill her to prevent her from going to the police? If so, that needs to be clarified.

Also, at the end, Robert stood there and laughed as the helicopter arrived. That part rang a little false to me. If he did help Jenn kill her husband, It doesn't seem like he'd just stand there and laugh as the police were arriving (even if he were crazy, which he seems to be).

Aside from the points I raised, I liked it. I want to know more about what happens(The end felt like the set up for something bigger). It was a cool story. Hope this helps.

Matthew Lincoln

P.S. I'm doing some more work on Inescapable. It's more of a re-structuring, than a re-write(even though there were some scenes that were changed). Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it.

Hey Matthew, thanks for the read and comments.

I think the fact that some things in the script are not clear is because Kevin and I had discussed prior what the story is about and who the characters are, so in my mind, I just assumed everyone else knew too. Stupid, I know.  

All your points make total sense and will be part of my re-write. I'm heading out on vacation in a few days and plan on re-writing then. I never heard again from the guy that wanted to film this, so Dena and I are planning to film this in March, or around there sometime. That way we would have a short story, a script and a short film.  

Thanks again for your helpful input.  

Pia,

No problem. Good luck with your project.

Matthew Lincoln

I experimented with a couple of changes in the short story version. Probably not going to go anywwhere.

I changed the ending, got rid of the heliicopter, gave her a kid(who is at home).

In prose, it was easier to create the character Pia envisioned. Pia wanted a character who was just confused from the drinking and the hangover, but someone who was struggling with a kind of breakdown, and that led to a kind of broken psyche.

So she's married and has a young child. The husband does not abuse her in any way, he is completely normal. However, in her mind she begins to see him as controlling, a kind of abuse. What is really going on is she feels trapped. She's in her early 30s, has a toddler and a husband, and all the responsibilities and restrictions that go with that. It makes her feel like all other options in her life are now closed. Housewife/mom is now the only  path for her. She blames her husband. And she rebels. She unconsciously starts fights with him to give her the excuse to storm out and hit the bars. Once there, she feels further empowered by flirting. This has all built up in her mound over a period to the point where she really starts to imagine her husband as an oppressive monster, especially when she's drunk.

So she picks up this young guy and manipulates him into helping to kill her husband. Think of Elizabeth Smart, the school teacher in NH who flirted with her students and enlisted them to kill her husband.

When she wakes up, she doesn't remember doing this. Not just because she is hungover, but because her mind is protecting her from the horror of what she did.

So she runs. In the prose version, she tries to escape up the road, planning to call Uber when she is further from the house. Bt he wakes up and chases her down. Convinces her to take a ride with him. She is suspicious.

They get back to the house, are just outside, when she tries to call the police, thinking he is a threat to her. He takes the phone from her. He's stunned she doesn't remember last night. Shows her how she has blood on her hands too. When she still doesn't remember, he gives her back her phone and demands she call her husband. She does. The ringing sounds from within the house. She follows the sound. It takes her to the basement, where she finds her dead husband.

But I ran out of gas at the ending. She's worried about her kid. He says he would never do a kid, but I was unable to make clear what happened to the kid. So, Jen and Robert went back to Jen's house and took the husband, killed him at Robert's house. But what happened to the kid? Did they leave her at home by herself? Did they drop her off somewhere? Did they take her back to Robert's house? Is she asleep upstairs?

I didn't know what to do. But I don't think Pia liked any version of these where there was a kid.

Why did I insert a kid?

A few reasons. One, I have been using a tool called KDP Rocket. The tool analyzes kindle books...what are people searching for? How many books in that key word profile are already out there? Basically, what is supply  and demand. And some unexpected trends emerge. One is using a kid in a story. For example, there are thousands of stories on the apocalypse. But when it comes to apocalypse stories with a kid, a niche that is ripe for being exploited emerges. There is a fair amount of demand for apocalypse with kid stories, yet not that many books. That's an opportunity. This kid theme emerged in several genre archetypes in addition to apocalypse. One can only speculate why. Most readers are women. Maybe many of them have a kid, so that makes stories with a kid more appealing. Orphans are also a hit.

Another reason I added a child to the story was that it seemed to increase that sense of Jen feeling trapped in a life she could not escape. All those things she dreamed of doing, of becoming, those doors felt closed now.

Anyway, this maybe gives some insight into how things can change when moving a script to prose. Or even just when two people work on different versions of the same story. There is always divergence.

leitskev,

I really like what the sound of what you've written. Between your version and Pia's, the potential is there for an awesome story. I'd like to read it. Do you have a link for it?

Matthew Lincoln

Send me an email at leitskev@gmail.com ot facebook kevin lenihan. Happy to send you, especially if you can help me fix the ending in my version. We're probably not going to use that version unless you come up with something really good!