I see you reading and commenting so thought I would check this out. I'll try to be helpful.
Scanning page one and seeing a lot of black ink makes me think I may be in for a laboured read - This could put off the people who you really want to be reading your stuff - professional script readers/comp readers - Good news is this can be cut down a lot.
The trick is to convey what we need in as few words as possible - For my own writing, It helps if I put the script down for a few weeks/months and come back with fresh eyes - some sentences jump out as uneeded that way.
Take your opening line for example
"It looks like..."
It looks like the inside of a typical American high school
- Not needed at all, just describe what it looks like"...the inside..."
- you have already told us we are inside with the INT. - duplicate info"...high school"
- Again, duplicate info - your slug tells us we are in a High School
Start a new block with a new shot - so the first opening shot is of the High school hall ways, next shot focuses on the poster - put that in a new block.
Oh, while I'm on it - Where in the High School are we? Hallways, classroom, common room, bathroom? High schools are big places
The whole first description block is very choppy, you can deffo structure these sentences better.
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - DAY
It looks like the inside of a typical American high school.
School colors and events decorate the halls and commons. On
a bulletin board is a ï¿½MISSINGï¿½ poster. It shows two normal
looking senior high school girls. They are twins. They are
wholesome and studious looking. Their names are Marie and
... below is my twenty-second attempt ...
INT. HIGH SCHOOL - HALLWAY - DAY
Lockers line the walls, claret and blue banners proudly hang
above them. A nearby bulletin board houses many pinned up
notices, But taking centre stage is a large-
-MISSING POSTER for identical twins MARIE and MANDY SANFORD.
Wholesome and studious, they smile bleakly.
It can be improved, but, it breaks up the writing which helps with reading - It conveys what we need to know and no more.
On a side note - Look for places where you can subtly give us some exposition. For example, in my version, I have assumed the twins are recently missing - hence I have put the poster front and centre on the board - but if you want them to have been missing for a while, put the poster towards the back, slightly covered with more recent notices.
MR. PHILIPS (40s) enters and walks to the head of the class.
Balding, glasses. High school seniors settle down to start
the day. Mr. Philips addresses the class.
All right, before we begin I
have an announcement to make.
You all know that Marie and
Mandy Sanford are still
missing. If any of you has any
information as to their
whereabouts, you are urged to
visit the principalï¿½s office.
It will be handled by the
authorities from there.
BIBI and CECE (1
are two other twins in the class. They
sit next to each other. They have the looks that teenage
boys would drool over, like the Hiltons or the Kardashians.
They listen to what Mr. Philips is saying with blank looks
on their faces.
The above scene serves no purpose - All it does is tell us the twins are missing - we already know that. Yeah it introduces the other twin characters but you can do that in the next scene.
I'm out of time for now but I'll revisit throughout the day (I get like 15 mins at a time to read stuff)
From a quick scan, here are some other things I have noticed you do which can be cut out to make the script a lot more streamlined (Don't fret, a lot of writers do these, especially in the beginning)"blank looks on their faces."
- Where else would you have an expression if not on the face?"Matt has scored some marijuana and wants to sell to Greg"
- telling, not showing - convey that info through action and dialogue, don't just straight up tell us - how would a viewer know that if not through action and dialogue?" Matt wears..."
where else would the clothes be except on his body? Just tell us what he is wearing, not the fact he is wearing them (If he is naked and holding the clothes in his hands, then that would be worthy enough to tell us - but not the fact he is just wearing them)
P.S - A personal request - Can you please put your profile pic the correct way up, it's making my OCD go nuts