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Round Rock by Clint Chandler - Short, Thriller - When two small-town teenagers try to figure out who robbed their local bank they become way more involved than they had originally hoped for. 19 pages - pdf format
Overall works well as a southern gothic piece. Formatting issues need to be addressed: Denny is not in caps when first introduced but then appears later on in caps in the script. The spacing is inconsistent. Sometimes there is single, double, or triple spacing between blocks of action. Uncle Jack sometimes appears as uncle Jack or Uncle jack and also isn't in caps when he is introduced.
SUNSET/NIGHTFALL/EARLY SUNRISE -- simplify with just DAY/NIGHT. EVENING/SUNRISE are acceptable too.
When Suzanne shows up with the shotgun she explains things in dialog that we already know:
SUZANNE I heard a gunshot and thought I'd better come check it out. Good thing I did, too.
SUZANNE Carl, I don't know what kind of mess you've gotten yourself into but it sure seems like a doozie.
SUZANNE (to officer Carl) Get those cuffs off him and put 'em on. And don't try nothing. I've already made one mess today. No need in makin' another.
Suzanne stands up and raises the shotgun.
SUZANNE But I will if I have to
SUZANNE Denny, grab that pistol and watch Carl. I gotta make a phone call.
Stuff like that just seems overwritten. Just show that happening. Don't have her explain it as well in the dialog.
Writing was descriptive, came off more like novel form a lot. Not going to criticize that, just making an observation. Overall enjoyed more than was led to believe from the logline.
Thanks, Arundel. I really appreciate you taking the time to read Round Rock. That was a very helpful critique. You made a lot of great points and suggestions that Iíll spend some time with. All thoughts and views are welcome. Thanks again!
I like your dialogue but you action/descriptions need work - they are overwritten, IMO. Break-it up (if you have a block of more than four lines you probably need some white space. Also - no need to repeat your location that is already in your Heading. e,g, you don't needed wooded area in the description if it is already in the header. Also - always CAP characters when first intro'd whether they are speaking or not.
Not perfect - but this.
EXT. WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON
A close up on a rabbit sitting and eating grass in a peaceful, quiet opening in a heavily wooded area. Not a worry in the world. Then our focus shifts past the rabbit...twenty yards away we see 15 year old Denny, holding a bow & arrow, drawn and aimed directly at the unsuspecting rabbit. Seconds pass then Denny exhales a heavy breath and lowers his weapon in disappointment. He doesn't shoot and the rabbit moves on.
Denny slides one arm through his bow, wearing it across his shoulder, freeing up his hands. He then slides his virgin arrow back into it's quiver.
Should be something like:
EXT. WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON
Peaceful - quiet.
A rabbit nibbles grass in an opening, unaware that just twenty feet away --
DENNY (15) holds a bow & arrow drawn and aimed, ready to shoot.
Seconds pass. Denny exhales, lowers his weapon in disappointment. He slings the bow across his shoulder, returns the virgin arrow back into it's quiver.
Not that exactly - but the point being - efficiency is good.