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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Round Rock
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  Author    Round Rock  (currently 198 views)
Don
Posted: August 5th, 2019, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Round Rock by Clint Chandler - Short, Thriller - When two small-town teenagers try to figure out who robbed their local bank they become way more involved than they had originally hoped for. 19 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 7th, 2019, 2:16pm
revised draft
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Arundel
Posted: August 6th, 2019, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Overall works well as a southern gothic piece. Formatting issues need to be addressed: Denny is not in caps when first introduced but then appears later on in caps in the script. The spacing is inconsistent. Sometimes there is single, double, or triple spacing between blocks of action. Uncle Jack sometimes appears as uncle Jack or Uncle jack and also isn't in caps when he is introduced.

SUNSET/NIGHTFALL/EARLY SUNRISE -- simplify with just DAY/NIGHT. EVENING/SUNRISE are acceptable too.

When Suzanne shows up with the shotgun she explains things in dialog that we already know:

SUZANNE
I heard a gunshot and thought I'd
better come check it out. Good
thing I did, too.

SUZANNE
Carl, I don't know what kind of
mess you've gotten yourself into
but it sure seems like a doozie.

SUZANNE
(to officer Carl)
Get those cuffs off him and put 'em
on. And don't try nothing. I've
already made one mess today. No
need in makin' another.

Suzanne stands up and raises the shotgun.

SUZANNE
But I will if I have to

SUZANNE
Denny, grab that pistol and watch
Carl. I gotta make a phone call.

Stuff like that just seems overwritten. Just show that happening. Don't have her explain it as well in the dialog.

Writing was descriptive, came off more like novel form a lot. Not going to criticize that, just making an observation. Overall enjoyed more than was led to believe from the logline.
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TexTone
Posted: August 8th, 2019, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Arundel. I really appreciate you taking the time to read Round Rock. That was a very helpful critique. You made a lot of great points and suggestions that Iíll spend some time with. All thoughts and views are welcome. Thanks again!
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eldave1
Posted: August 8th, 2019, 11:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Hey, Clint:

I like your dialogue but you action/descriptions need work - they are overwritten, IMO. Break-it up (if you have a block of more than four lines you probably need some white space. Also - no need to repeat your location that is already in your Heading. e,g, you don't needed wooded area in the description if it is already in the header. Also - always CAP characters when first intro'd whether they are speaking or not.

Not perfect - but this.


Quoted Text
EXT. WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON

A close up on a rabbit sitting and eating grass in a
peaceful, quiet opening in a heavily wooded area. Not a worry
in the world. Then our focus shifts past the rabbit...twenty
yards away we see 15 year old Denny, holding a bow & arrow,
drawn and aimed directly at the unsuspecting rabbit. Seconds
pass then Denny exhales a heavy breath and lowers his weapon
in disappointment. He doesn't shoot and the rabbit moves on.

Denny slides one arm through his bow, wearing it across his
shoulder, freeing up his hands. He then slides his virgin
arrow back into it's quiver.


Should be something like:

EXT. WOODED AREA - LATE AFTERNOON

Peaceful - quiet.

A rabbit nibbles grass in an opening, unaware that
just twenty feet away --

DENNY (15) holds a bow & arrow drawn and aimed,
ready to shoot.

Seconds pass. Denny exhales, lowers his weapon
in disappointment. He slings the bow across his shoulder, returns the virgin
arrow back into it's quiver.

Not that exactly - but the point being - efficiency is good.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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TexTone
Posted: August 9th, 2019, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thatís very helpful. Thank you for the example.
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eldave1
Posted: August 9th, 2019, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Quoted from TexTone
Thatís very helpful. Thank you for the example.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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