Onerous by Wayne Moss - Short, Thriller - A psychopath's reign of terror is threatened by a young woman on the cusp of her own horrific death. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don.

So, as a newbie I've just learnt another important lesson through SS - don't put up stuff that ain't cooked.

Getting frustrated with my WIP a couple of days ago, I thought I'd try my first short, and truth is I felt all warm and fuzzy about it. Then with time away and a reread, I now understand how one's euphoria from completing something can be deceptive. * heavy sigh*

Anyway, many of you have been very generous with your time recently, and I in no way expect another critique from you on this.

It's a bit of a throw away piece now I reread it. We learn, I guess.

Hope you're all moving forward, well, and happy in life.

Cheers
Wayne

Quoted from WayneM Getting frustrated with my WIP a couple of days ago, I thought I'd try my first short, and truth is I felt all warm and fuzzy about it. Then with time away and a reread, I now understand how one's euphoria from completing something can be deceptive. * heavy sigh* Wayne

Ah, memories. I think we've all had that same experience except you had a much better first post than me and many others. I almost quit the game after my fist one week challenge until I realized that everything peeps pointed out was spot on.

Yes, wait until your first OWC!

Hi John (?),

I understand some of us have to go through it, but god it's uncomfortable to look at/read. lol

Ah well. Looking forward to the OWC as tardy as the results may be.

Just gave 'Onerous' a quick read and feel like it's part of something bigger, especially with some of the details included with your ending.

What of the patchworks and amputated hands? Hyram thinks Joshua looks like him? Does he? Not much description with the introduction to think that or wonder why the similarity. Joshua is only described as handsome and Hyram with a pockmarked face. I want to know more about Momma as her inclusion doesn't really add much.

Your scene headings need some work. You change location and POV without changing the scene heading. Pg. 1 has the same scene heading 3x in a row and pg. 2 the same scene but now it's much later and raining.

Your action sequences change tense frequently as well:

'Continually slipping and falling to the ground, Alison drags
the metal plate with enormous effort over to the shovel,
kneels on its handle, and begins using the blade to cut the
rope between her wrists.'

That said, having lived in Salt Lake City for many years and being familiar with salt flats, love the setting and premise. As it is though, it leaves me feeling flat.

~John

Quoted from JEStaats Just gave 'Onerous' a quick read and feel like it's part of something bigger, especially with some of the details included with your ending. What of the patchworks and amputated hands? Hyram thinks Joshua looks like him? Does he? Not much description with the introduction to think that or wonder why the similarity. Joshua is only described as handsome and Hyram with a pockmarked face. I want to know more about Momma as her inclusion doesn't really add much. Your scene headings need some work. You change location and POV without changing the scene heading. Pg. 1 has the same scene heading 3x in a row and pg. 2 the same scene but now it's much later and raining. Your action sequences change tense frequently as well: 'Continually slipping and falling to the ground, Alison drags the metal plate with enormous effort over to the shovel, kneels on its handle, and begins using the blade to cut the rope between her wrists.' That said, having lived in Salt Lake City for many years and being familiar with salt flats, love the setting and premise. As it is though, it leaves me feeling flat. ~John

Thanks for looking at it, John. Apologies for the trauma.

Yeah, no pay off, no depth to the characters,  sloppy formatting, pretty poor all around really.As I said it ain't cooked and shouldn't have been posted really. It leaves me flat as well - a very good lesson learned today.

Mom in Hyram's eyes is his girlfriend -Oedipus thing.  I tried to drive that home by the "You got girl? tag at the end of his ode to mom dialogue.

Hyram sees himself as ugly and wants to live vicariously through the good looking Josh, so he keeps him alive. But just as he sees himself as the beautiful Josh, he must slowly/ultimately  kill Josh/himself because he is unquestionably vile to himself regardless of any panacea (Josh) or remedy he might be able to conjure temporarily.

Thanks for pointing out the scene heading tense stuff. Yeah...

I'm flattered you even took the time to even try, John. Onerous sucks. lol

Hi Wayne,

No need to have the three same scene headings one after the other if the scene hasn't changed. A new action line would be enough to indicate the change of shot in the scene.

Quoted Text JOSHUA (coughs)

A cough would be better written as action as opposed to dialogue for a couple of reasons.

Quoted Text SFX: Fat rain on soft ground.

In the first instance always make your screenplay an enjoyable read that keeps the reader engaged. Putting SFX takes me right out of the read. Just no need for it. If this ever went into production this would be obvious, but could also be added into the shooting script if required.

Quoted Text ALISON Why are you still..? JOSHUA He thinks I look like him.

For interrupted speech I would go with an em dash (--) as apposed to an ellipsis (...), these are generally used for trailing thoughts.

Quoted Text EXT. SALT LAKE - DAY ALISON How long you been here?

I think it's generally good to set the scene a bit before diving into dialogue.

Quoted Text HYRAM (screams in violent rage)

This should be written as action if there is no actual dialogue spoken.

Quoted Text ALISON (whimpers)

Action not dialogue.

Quoted Text INT. PICKUP - LATER

At best this would be MOMENTS LATER, or even CONTINUOUS to build the tension, and it doesn't take too long to cover 50m when you're gunning it.

All the LATER's need to go, I think CONTINUOUS would be more appropriate here for the reasons already mentioned.

This kept me engaged till the end where it got a bit derailed for me. I think John mentioned this feels like a part of something bigger and not really like a contained short. I think there is too much unsaid about why this is all happening.

I think you have something to work with here. It either needs a bit more explanation or could be the start of an idea for a feature.

I still think you have a really strong base in screenwriting, just need to clean a few things up.

All the best.

Hey Wayne, the premise is fantastic.

Well, I would say that cause I have a horror Short (never posted) about a revenge/abuse, man/woman tale - guy buried up to his neck in the sand on a beach - the tide coming in slowly (ticking clock). Just never could write a satisfactory ending.  I loved the idea so much I even did another version with a toddler/young kid burying his grandfather in the sand for laughs.

Seems you might have hit the same kind of roadblock with your ending.

Plus with your 'patchwork' / doppleganger thread, my interpretation is that quite a bit of this story might still be in your head? And that it's a bigger story?

Shorts are more difficult than we think - getting that whole narrative to fit into a few pages satisfactorily and with a good payoff or twist is not always easy. Especially when our Writer's heads are often taking the story too big.

A couple of format things to note:

ALISON
(whimpers)

JOSHUA
(coughs)

HYRAM
(screams in violent rage)

These should not be formatted in dialogue.
They should be on description/action lines, unless there's dialogue to follow.


Rain continues to pour.
How about: torrential rain, she's now soaked to her skin.

the shovel blade hits Hyram
slicing through the left side of his neck.

Not sure how Alison does this if Hyram is still inside the vehicle? Yet the scene header doesn't reflect this either. ?

a sky pregnant with rain.
I'm not keen on this personification.

Often simpler, more to the point is better to evoke the visual.

Visually, why not just relay what you want us to see e.g. dark clouds gather overhead.

I enjoyed this a lot regardless. Just needs more of a payoff and a simpler clarity to the story.
Revamp it. The setting is great and there's a lot to like here.

Hey Warren and LC. Very generous of you both to take the time again to correct my formatting mistakes and offer your opinions, experience and suggestions - you can be sure I'm taking them on.

Everything both of you have brought to my attention is gratefully received and you're all helping me get there as fast as my grey matter allows - hopefully you won't have to endure much longer.

I seem to be having a bit of a rush of ideas and writing a lot which is possibly common for newbies, but this is likely to mean there's probably going to be a bit of a flurry of shorts posted. I hope I don't annoy you all with them.

Thanks again
W

Hey, Wayne, gave this one a read.

Well, it certainly felt enthralling considering the set-up. People get lucky and escape their killer. Reading all this, it was a bit wobbly towards the end. And by that I don't mean the way it happens(the action), but rather that it just happened. I don't know if I'm making sense or not? But it was like - 'ok they escaped'.    

And I saw some formatting issues. Mainly with your slugs lines. Like in some point your dialog directly proceeds the slug line. Which should not happen. Describe the scene then follow it with dialog. You mentioning SFX, not needed. Some instances of using parenthesis incorrectly.    

Keeping these things aside, it was an engaging read. Just a clean up is needed.

Good luck.

Hey Yuvraj.
Thanks for taking the time to give it the once over, and I think it fair to say I've got a bit to learn.

Hopefully formatting will improve as time goes on, as one would hope a certain overall standard can be attained creatively and technically.

I sent a second short to Don which will appear at some point, I guess, which probably suffers with similar issues...but we push on.

Thanks again for taking the time, Yuvraj.