Sleepwalking by Frank B. Hansen - Short, Drama - In the aftermath of a violent burglary, a spiritual connection between a comatose grandmother and her granddaughter brings some piece and comfort to a devastated family. 10 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for posting, Don.

Hi writer,

Well that was an intriguing read. No problems with the writing, was seamless to follow.

Whilst I enjoyed it, I didn't quite get it in the end - Seemed to have like an 'Others' scenario where Harmony, Angel and Ethan are actually ghosts - But I couldn't quite tie it up to the original robbery - presume they were killed in the robbery? Wasn't sure on the Monster element either.

It was good - But perhaps a little too ambiguous for me to get my head around it.

Hey Collins,

Thanks for the read.

SPOILERS
Angel, Harmony and Ethan were not killed in the robbery. They are all dead when the script begins. The gun shot in the beginning graced Jack as Ethan told Harmony on the phone.

I might have to make it more clear.

The Monster that Angel is referring to is the intruder.

Again, thanks for the feedback. Very helpful.

I'm working on an update/revision and will take your notes into consideration.

Frank

You're welcome Frank - Wouldn't be surprised if other readers grasp it better than I did lol

Hey Collins,

I'm curious as to why you felt it was ambiguous.

The grandparents live in a "bungalow." Angel, Harmony and Ethan live in a "House."

The gravestone photo at the end would indicate that Angel, Harmony and Ethan have been dead for a while, it takes quite a few weeks/months from burying someone until a stone is in place.

The Monster I can see might be a little bit confusing, but Angel does transition to the "bad man" in her dialogue that was mean to her grandmother.

The phone time-stamps indicate that this shorts spans a period over a few days.

Again thanks for the read, appreciate it. I'm trying to understand readers angle and why some parts of the scripts is not clear.

Frank

Don, thanks for posting the revised version.

Frank

Frank,

I take it the script changed quite a bit from the previous version, as the elements that you and Collin mentioned weren't in this draft.

It was a very sad read. The writing was very nice. I liked the storytelling too, and the limited dialogue that gave us just enough to get the gist.

I was hoping for a little bit more retribution in the end by Ethan with Tommy. It seems Tommy was the person who killed Angel in this robbery? Though, Grandma doesn't seem to be too affected by the fact. Maybe she was induced in a coma before Angel was shot?

I enjoyed the imagery of everything too. I could see Angel as the white figure with the white bear. And the part where Ethan is washing the teddy bear was a nice touch, especially when he spins around after seeing Angel in the reflection. The way you describe things is very simple for someone to envision.

Good job!

Sean

Hey Sean,

Thanks much for the read and notes. Some good points.

As you pointed out, it has gone through quite a change, almost a page 1 rewrite.

Grandma is in a coma (stated in the log line), but maybe this needs to be clearer. She's in a coma when.
conversing with Angel no recollection as to what happened, that's why she's somewhat surprised about what.
Angel is talking about. Hope that makes sense.

I wanted to keep the ending simple.

Thanks again.

Frank

The script will be produced/filmed. Non-exclusive agreement.