SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 3rd, 2022, 6:37am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Thanksgiving OWC
Writers' Choice and Who Wrote What

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Unbreakable Bond
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Unbreakable Bond  (currently 280 views)
Don
Posted: November 1st, 2022, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15639
Posts Per Day
1.96
Unbreakable Bond by Frank B Hansen - Short, Thriller, Drama - An unbreakable bond between a mute grandfather and his granddaughter unravels in the aftermath of a horrific accident that rips the family apart, drives the grandfather to the brink of suicide. 27 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
FrankH
Posted: November 2nd, 2022, 11:55am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
155
Posts Per Day
0.07
Thanks for posting, Don.


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Sleepwalking
Imaginary Friend
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
kcranford
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.81
Where do I start?  I read this script.  Then I re-read it and then I read it again.  Three times.  After the first read, when I reached the end I thought, Wait! What?   I immediately read it again, more carefully (I thought) this time.  The third time I got out my pad and took notes.  First let me say, that the scene settings for this script belong in a novel.  Terms like “Birds shredded out of the trees” make you not only see that action in your mind, but feel it as well.  “Thor swings his hammer” is such a more illustrated vision than “the sound of thunder”.  I remember reading a book once where one character’s persona was described: “She wore her grief like a winter coat, wrapped tightly around her”.  I don’t recall the name of the book, but I will forever remember that jaw-dropping bit of literary genius. Frank’s descriptions are comparable.  Now for my thoughts on the storyline.  There are hints laid out in broad daylight about what the outcome of the story may be.  However, they are so tightly woven into what you deem reality, you read right past them, and then when you pick carefully through it again - there they are; clues to what is happening: The brown bear/white bear, the roses that appear and then disappear, Grace’s random appearance, among others.  There are hints of Hitchcock here, along with the Sixth Sense and a little Twilight Zone thrown in for good measure.  The writing is very solid, IMO.   The dialogue overall is minimal, which is appropriate because the scene set-ups tell you everything you need to know and set the tone.  I think this atmosphere of suspense as laid out would translate extraordinarily well to the screen.  

As I’ve said before, I love a strong story and excellent writing above all (both of which are met here)  and I don’t really comment on format, typos, etc. - to me those are small and correctable issues, but FWIW, I did not see glaring errors of this type anywhere in the script.

I do have two questions that I cannot resolve: Who is Emma??  And why is Liam coughing up blood?  Was he injured in the accident? Why is he OK at the end?  Did I miss a whole set of clues about this?  Can anyone answer this for me before I lay awake tonight wondering about it? LOL.

Frank, it was a pleasure to read your script.  Thank you for sharing.  I would give it a solid “A”.  Excellent work.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
FrankH
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
155
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hi Kathy,

Wow, that was quite some feedback. I'm really glad you liked it. Thanks a lot for your notes.

SPOILERS:
Liam had a bad throat before the accident. Chloe tells him in the Flashback before the accident that she hopes he feels better soon. His throat is in bad shape (coughing blood), but he recovers, eventually, clean bill of health. I added this in for a little bit more spice. So, you didn't miss anything. Maybe I should've fleshed this out a little bit more.

We first meet Emma in the photo (Chloe and Emma, during the Flashback). Emma introduces herself as Chloe's best friend when we first meet her in person. Chloe and Emma joke about being dead, cause they both will wear ghost costumes for Halloween. They are dead, of course, but I wanted the reader not to think so at this point. I didn't want to expose Emma more than I did. She's Chloe's best friend, died some time ago.

Curious, was it clear to you that Jacob was dead, so the reader would think that Chloe now has the ability to communicate with spirits/ghosts. Of course, cause she's dead, but the reader (hopefully) doesn't know that at this point.

Not sure if I answered your questions. Let me know.

Thanks again for your feedback.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Sleepwalking
Imaginary Friend
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
kcranford
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.81
Yes, I totally understood that Jacob was dead. Emma, not so much. Also the reference to her mother was home but her Daddy was not reachable. Was her mother dead? Her Daddy?  Might be good to flesh out her character a little more. I got a little lost with who/what she was and her connection to Chloe.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
FrankH
Posted: November 6th, 2022, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
155
Posts Per Day
0.07
Thanks Kathy,

I take a look at Emma a little closer, see if I can make it clearer.. I had Emma as Chloe's best friend.

Emma's dad was not reachable, cause he was still alive. Emma's mom knew where Emma was (both spirits/ghosts), meaning her mom was dead, just like Emma.

Frank


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Sleepwalking
Imaginary Friend
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
kcranford
Posted: November 8th, 2022, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
72
Posts Per Day
0.81
Hey all, I know Halloween is past and this is a ghost story, but I think it’s a good one. Could someone else give it a read and give Frank some feedback. Thanks, I think it’s worth your time.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
RobertSpence
Posted: November 13th, 2022, 8:27am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Melbourne, Australia
Posts
223
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Frank

I’ve just read your script and one thing that instantly jumps out at me is your descriptions. They really do show so much about the characters and various settings. For instance, the way you introduce Liam on page 1 with his chiselled features and broad shoulders was so vivid.

P22. He whips his head up. A hoarse scream as strings of spit and blood dribble down his chin as rain pelts his face. Another good description and it really evokes the emotion of the character.

I can really take some lessons from you here because these descriptions do so much for your story. However, there were a couple of descriptions that I felt were unnecessary, such as the Thor references. I could see what you were doing, but they didn’t add anything for me as a reader.

P.13 “Liam saw logs with folded hands on his stomach.” I’m not sure what this means!
Another positive is you did a good job of making Chloe feel like a child. Sometimes writers fail at portraying children in their stories, but I felt you achieved this well.

I agree with the previous point about Emma as I was also confused about who she was. There also feels like a lot of characters in this script, so at times found it hard to keep track of who was who but I’m a sucker for small casts in shorts.

Overall, this is a well-written script. I can really feel Liam’s pain and the pain of the other characters. Looking forward to reading more of your work in future.

Thanks

Rob


Produced Films
https://vimeo.com/user144725476

Scripts

Mate-ing

Short Comedy 11 pages

https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/Mate-ingPilotdraft.pdf/


The Break-Up Chronicles


Short Comedy/Drama 20 pages

[url]https://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/TheBreak-UpChroniclesbyRo
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
FrankH
Posted: November 13th, 2022, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
155
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hey Rob,

Many thanks for your read.

Liam saw logs -- he snores.

Looks like I have to revisit Emma, to see if I can make it clearer as to who she was and maybe what
happened to her.
I thought with a photo of Emma and Chloe in the Flashback Scene and Emma telling Isabelle (Chloe's aunt) that she was Chloe's best friend, that would be sufficient exposure of Emma.

Again, thanks for your notes. Appreciate it.

Frank  


FEATURES:
Strength of a Soul (Thriller/Supernatural)
Inconceivable Pain (Thriller)

SHORT COMEDY:
Heads or Tails
Happy Birthday
Size Doesn't Matter

SHORT THRILLER:
Unbreakable Bond
Sleepwalking
Imaginary Friend
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006