Axeing the Zombie by James Moen (dethan) - Short, Comedy -  Jake has been fired from his job as a zombie extra but like any good zombie he won't go away. < 15 pages - pdf, format

Another take on things from the Hollywood side, and I think it worked out fairly well.  I don't think the scene with the psychiatrist was all that necessary, but it wasn't anything that detracted from the story either.

I did notice a few typos throughout, but some of them seemed to be things that were fixed with Word or whatever program was used, and sometimes that can make things worse.

I would have liked to have seen a little bit better reason for both of them to get fired, but what you have worked out alright.

Good job.

Hey, this was pretty good.  Lots of chuckles, actually agree with Mike about the psychiatrist scene, I'd say it's the only thing in there that doesn't earn its place.  I would've liked to see, as I guess Mike sort've touches on, a somewhat less whimsical approach to John and Cynthia being fired...I thought the least successful gags were how John had "fired him twice" on every movie set and so on...that wasn't as funny to me as the more realistic comedy.  Also, I don't really see that it helped the story.

Anyway, nice diverting little story.  Enjoyable!

I wasn't really looking forward to reading this due to it's title. I'm zombied out at the moment, but I was pleasantly surprised.

This was actually a story and not just leading up to a joke, so extra points for that.

I agree that the Psychiatrist scene didn't really add anything.

I laughed at Jake relieving himself on James Cameron's BMW thinking it was Shatner's car.

I think you would have a nice script here if you did a littletidying up and did some trimming here and there.

Good Job!

I enjoyed this one. Nice to see a Hollywood satire that doesn't end up turning into a horror movie. That seems to be the case with most spoofs of this nature but I was pleased to see that wasn't the case here. Very clever premise, some funny gags, and a solid twist. I loved some of the movie titles you came up with. Zombies in King Arthur's Court. Ha! Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if that didn't show up somewhere. Same goes for the Terminator sequel. Anyway, I actually had very few problems with this one and these guys have basically covered them so I'll just say good job.

This one had some clever and memorable dialogue. The conversations between Jake the Zombie and The Director really stood out, these characters carried the story. That comment could be interpreted as criticism or praise. I'm not even really sure. The point is, although their conversations were humorous and well developed, they seemed to overshadow Cynthia. For most of the short, she was just there. This problem did sort of correct itself towards the end. You definitely could have lost the psychiatrist content and built more upon Cynthia, this way the ending would have more meaning.

Overall, a great effort.  

I thought this was a clever idea but I think you could have done a bit more with it than you did, gone a bit more over the top with it.  This is opposite to what everyone has been saying but I would have liked to have seen more of the psychiatrist and with more interesting dialogue. Explore the character more.  

There were a couple of good chuckles Arnold S and Hamlet and the vomit special effect. The humour mostly worked.

I didn't think the ending worked though.  It didn't seem well thought out, just kind of like you needed to end it and you thought that might work. But it didn't.

Good job though.

Ingenius way in using zombies. The first scene came as a shock to me but its later explained. That was funny though. I think you should eliminate Arnold from the script since it appeared as he suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Good dialgoue and character of Jack and the director. Overall, nice job.

Gabe

Hey there,

Well, I didn't mind you using a story about zombies, so that's an extra point. The dialogue was pretty iffy in most places, in my opinion. I feel most of it didn't flow too well. I liked the special effect throw-up part, that made me chuckle.

Sean

This short made me smile. A few chuckles too. I love the loving relationship between a killer clown extra and a zombie extra. That's my kind of romance. And the Shatner line was beautiful! Some of the dialogue was bulky and felt unnatural but the overall story was good.

Even if I find it hard to believe Jim Cameron would fraternize with a C-movie director.

I guess I´m the minority here. Didn’t hate it but I didn’t love it either. Despite a few chuckles (i.e. the Terminator saving the Titanic) the story dragged for me. Very heavy on dialogue with long speeches from some characters. Yet it wasn’t bad for just a week effort. Good job.

Not bad at all.  I didn't really laugh, but was amused throughout.  Kind of talky, but I thought (early on anyway) that you had some nifty scene cuts, which kept the story lively.
The ending, however, just didn't do it for me.  Maybe it was a reflection on John's character, which seemed quirky in his hiring/firing methods.
I thought some of the scenes, especially the vomit sequence, could have been taken further. Such as John setting up a huge fan to show the tourists how studios simulate a windstorm and then have Jake's puke hit the fan and spray the tourists. Ha ha.
For 14 pages, it was a pretty quick read.

Thanks for the read everyone.

I agree with everything said about it.  

The psychologist office needs work, that or needs to be replaced.  I inserted it because I needed something to break up the John/Jake conversation because it was overpowering the script.  The original draft was 90% John/Jake, 5% Shatner (Who I cut), and 5% cynthia/Jake. I'd probably take it out and insert a few lunch scenes where he attempts to tell Cynthia about being fired.

I didn't really use the locations to full effect due to page # limitations. That and if I do a rewrite I'd change settings and probably cut out the Terminator thing.  Funny though that someone just bought the rights to do another terminator trilogy.

As for James Cameron - was going to add a line about them being film school buddies to make it more um, sensible.  I guess. Was aware this would draw attention to itself.

I need to fix the ending.  Cynthia's dialogue needs to sound like John wrote it.  

I'm not sure I'll rewrite it in the near future.  But maybe later this summer... I'll mess with it a little.

Your comments were all very thought out and helpful.  Again, thanks.

Dethan

This was a cute read.  I didn't like how it was going in every direction at once.  It didn't stay on the same thought for very long.


Phil

Thanks for the read Phil.

Rereading it I see what you mean about the many different directions.  There are a lot of minor aside thoughts and events that have nothing to do with the main story arc that could be cut so that the main story comes through in a more coherent fashion. Much of this is garbage from the initial sketch that references things I cut out in the final.

Dethan

This was a pretty funny script, it wasn't laugh out loud, but it was amusing throughout.

I loved the James Cameron, Micheal Bein and Arnold Schwarzenegger bit, some good lines there.

When Jake pisses on James Cameron's car thinking it was William Shatner's, that probably got the biggest laugh from me.

John was a Dick but he had some very funny lines, especially his rant at the end.

Good effort on this one.

Late reviews are not a problem.

It definitely was all over the place.  Literally. Figuratively. Grammatically.

Thanks for the read, I appreciate it.

Dethan

I find it interesting to see what makes people laugh.

During the lot tour I was laughing so hard my family was wondering how much I drank (none by the way, real laughs, not alcohol induced).

Funny story. Creative way to get fired and tell your sig other about it.

Oh my, I just noticed you posted!

Thanks for the read.  I'm glad you liked it.  I think I'm better at comedy then horror.  

Dethan

Hey, Dethan.

I liked this one...well, sort of. The idea was nice and all but the script was just too long. There were a few chuckles in there but they were spread out far apart and that hurt the script. This should be tighter, there are a couple of scenes that could use some trimming (the whole drivethrough at the various sets just takes too long).

Cheers
Rob