Pinkslip by jekitchell (jeffrey) - Short, Comedy - No summary.  <15 pages - pdf, format

I chose to read the one that had no description first.  Why, I'm not sure.  Honestly, though, this was a bitch for me to read.  The style seems new to me, so I'm guessing I've never read anything by this author before(the title page has a name, whether it's real or not I don't know).  

You were probably going for dry humor here and alot of action humor since the dialogue didn't really do much of anything.  That's why I say this was a bitch to read, because the descriptions were long, excessive, and half of the sentences weren't even finished.  I mean, yeah, there are times where you might not finish one descriptive sentence because you're going to another scene, but it happens alot in this script and it really distracted me from the story.  Honestly, I couldn't get into it.

Sorry.  This just didn't do much for me.

And I guess this is the last one for me to look at.

First, it's PORSCHE.  I normally don't bother with things like this, but it appears so many times on the first page that I thought I'd mention it.

The script itself was pretty good, although I do agree with Greg that descriptions were quite lengthy.  I also didn't find anything in here that was really comedic, or even an attempt at comedy.

I would flag all those dream sequences as such as well, since I actually had to backtrack a little just to make sure that that's what they were.

I enjoyed the ending, and like I said I thought the story itself was good, but all in all it was a little tough to read based on what I've outlined above.

This was an okay read. I didn't really get into it until Matt arrived home. There were some amusing gags between him and Sheila. I particularly liked when Sheila started talking and just droned on and on and on. That was the heighlight for me. I couldn't really get into the preceeding scenes though. They felt more action-oriented than comedic. The comedy there was was perhaps too subtle. With the exception of a few noteable scenes, I think it had a hard time getting through. This felt more like a drama at times. The main problem with your script is the lack of dialogue. There's far too little and the dialogue there is seems to be important only about half the time. I hate to repeat what others have said but your descriptions aren't ones that can simply be broken down. I'd say your using to many words and analogies throughout. It feels like reading a novel in screenplay format. This is no good.

Overall, I thought the writing was decent but I don't think you put enough effort into making this a comedy. It felt lazy and half-baked. I'll say again there were bits I liked but this didn't quite work for me.

I'd have to agree with the above reviews.  The abundance of action was a major flaw and there was a bit of a lack of comedy.  That said, this did have its moments, and picked up briefly when Matt got home.  

It was just too tough to get through all the description.

Man, this was only a long read because of all the descriptions you have had in it. You wrote this more like a book, explaining every single detail. That's good, to help us visualize it, but, unfortunately, it's not how a screenplay should be written.

Your dialogue, on the other hand, was great. It seemed realistic, and your characters were well thought out. The ending was okay, not as funny as you probably meant it to be, but other parts were funny.

Just destroy most of your descriptions and cut down on the details. If you do this, your script might be about 10 pages, give or take a page.

Sean

Your descriptions were a bit excessive at times, and I noticed more than once mention of things that cannot be visualized on the screen.  I don't mind the former so much but I take exception to the latter. Make sure what you write can actually be filmed!  

Also some of your formatting was suspect, and I agree with Mike (above) you need to tag those dream sequences.

Your writing was good and though it was a slow read it was for the most part easy to visualize what was going on.  Your dialogue was good as well.  And the story was somewhat interesting.  

It wasn't a comedy and he actually didn't ever tell his spouse - but what the heck - it's only an excercise.

My head hurts.

This was overly descriptive even for me. Beautiful, lavish sentences but they were just superfluous. I even had to look up a few words, which I don't mind, but it really took away.

I don't think it was very funny either. There so many separate gags and situations I had a hard time figuring out what exactly this was about?

Then when he got home, the picture gets clearer. I had to read the dream sequence twice before I got it, but it was a nice finishing touch, even if it made for dramedy rather than comedy.

Overall this didn't really work for me.

This wasn't funny at all.  It'd work as a drama if you cut down the descriptions.  The dream sequences also didn't work for me... it was as if you were using them to prolong the story to fit a certain page count.

The writer does have ability and an very visual style.  But as a comedy I'd say this fails.

Dethan

Hey Jeffrey,

Though this was way way way too long. This scripts creeps along at snail pace and that really hurt the overall impression I got. Your paragraphs are very bulky and you should consider breaking it up a bit. Also, you should state it when the script moves into a dream sequence because it became very confucing.

The script itself was well written though and you certainly have potential, but you've gotta remember that sometimes less is more.

Too bad it wasn't funny.

Cheers
Rob