When Duty Flees by Mike Shelton - Short, Comedy - When Jerry tells his wife that he's suddenly lost his job, they band together and do the only thing they can...go looking for it. <15 pages - pdf, format

The concept was a stretch.  I kept waiting for him to call his employer. The mega saver mart thing almost made me stop reading.  

Toward the end it got funnier.  I liked the characters and unusual theories they came up with.  A pretty solid effort.

Dethan

I liked this one a lot. The concept was both bizarre and outrageous yet, as is revealed in the ending, completely realistic at the same time. I liked the characters' ridiculous explanations for the booth's disappearance but I liked it even better when the whole thing turned out to be one big misunderstanding. No matter how silly these theories sound, it makes perfect sense someone would go ahead and blow something out of preportion like this... then again, I've never lost my job in such a literal sense as this. Anyway, despite how outlandish the concept was, the writing felt pretty laid back and didn't try so hard to be funny. I think it worked out well that way and made for an easy, enjoyable read. Good job, dude.

The first one I read but I think it’s safe to say that no other entry will have the same take on this OWE’s theme. The concept was pretty original in its introduction; when I noticed that the challenge’s theme was taken literally, I was hooked.

But as the story developed, the originality of the main concept quickly wore off, since what seemed to be a supernatural/fantastic take on the theme, quickly developed in a simple case of misunderstanding which was a little bit far fetched (another reader brought up that Jerry could have called his boss/employer right away).

Yet, all the questions were answered, and you were able to give this piece an adequate sense of closure (which isn’t always something easy with a 15 page limit).

It felt a little short in the comedy department but still it’s a good effort that had a surprising spark of originality which was hard to expect in an exercise which such narrow guidelines.

Interesting approach to the OWE but I felt this had some problems.  

First off, I didn't particularly find it funny. Parts of it made me smile but mostly, for me, many of the attempts at jokes fell flat.  

I think the main problem was that the story was too far fetched for the characters.  If Jerry and Angie were Dumb and Dumbette then this would have been hilarious.  Not that they were particularly smart but they were too smart for the predicament you put them in.  Jerry would have easily called the company or the police to report his stolen workplace.  Dumb them down and you may have something here.  

I think mcornetto's onto something.  This would seem a little less far-fetched if your characters were a little more far-fetchedly dumb, or, heck, even just a little more outlandish.  The theories that they come up with are crazy but as people they come across as fairly straight and moderately intelligent.

That said, I enjoyed the dialogue in this one a lot, actually.  I thought most of the jokes went over quite well.  I didn't like Angie's "crawled up your a** and died" line, that seemed unattractive and out of character.  All in all, though, I thought this was one of the better efforts.

Also, I think this wins hands down for best log line.

This one was okay. I liked it, but I feel as though Angie took the "I lost my job" too seriously. I mean, even if she IS bored, she wouldn't suddenly get hooked on trying to find it. Yeah, they might go look for it, but I didn't like the idea on how she tried her best being a detective to look for his job.

I smiled at a few bits, but most of the jokes weren't carried out too well to make me laugh. Personally, I feel as though the "Are my nipples out too far?" joke was unnecessary. It's like you added it just for the ending.

This was still good though.

Sean

Elvis Impersonators, Mexicans, and the wrath of Juan.   Oh, yeah... loosing his job, too!
I loved this script, LMAO.
A good, clean story with a lot of laughs.
I think this one may be my favorate.

Great job!

Cindy

This one was a good entry for the OWC.

Well written and likable characters. I see the attempts at jokes throughout too, but thought it missed the target quite a few times. My main problems for the jokes not coming across at full potential was the dialogue. Too chatty and too longwinded sometimes. Needs to be a little snappier. The timing gets a little off because of that, just me though.

I did not like the "crawled up your ass" line. Out of character and ditto that for "are my nipples showing". What woman would say something like that in front of three guys, two of them being strangers? Besides, as a woman I can tell you it's a dumb question because we can feel such things. Trust me.

Anyway, nice script, but could probably be trimmed down two or so pages.  

I thought parts of this story went nowhere fast. There was no real 'drive' in this one. Okay, so he lost his job, but the effort to find was pretty unengaging. They go to the parking lot and the talk about nothing really. I agree this could've been better if it had a Charlie Kaufman/Franz Kafka approach into absurdity. Like what if the building where he works suddenly isn't there anymore? I have no idea how to finish that story but I'm sure Kaufman does.

It was a nice effort though, the entire literal sense of the challenge. But it did feel like a stretch.

I for one actually liked the nipple joke. Or maybe I just got aroused, I dunno.

You establish the characters very well on the first page, which is good and usually difficult to do in a short at all.  Their conversations were great and they stuck to the personalities you set out for them except for when the husband told red his theory of the mexicans.  It semed out of character for him to be so confident in something strange after scolding angie for her weird ideas.  I also wasn't a fan of the star trek dialogue, I thought it was out of place.  Other than that, really good job.  Funny concept, i tried a similair thing, and it didn't work out nearly as well.

-Tyler

Well, I guess I can't hide the fact that I'm the author anymore.  I must say it was nice to get back into one of these after missing out on the previous two.

I definitely wanted a different take on the theme, and it seems that everyone caught on to it.  Some enjoyed it, and some didn't, but luckily nobody found it to be horrible.  I can live with that based on the time I invested.  I had never intended for the characters to be overly stupid ala Dumb and Dumber, and it may have hurt the comedic element of it, at least in an over the top sense.  I just did what I normally do, which is more or less subtle.

In response to DM's Kaufman approach.  It could be done, but I don't think it would work all that well in 15 pages or less.

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone.

Hey Mike, just finished reading your script.  It was pretty good, but not as good as your other comedy scripts, but I didn't expect that for a OWE, so considering the time frame you did a good job

I think the first half was the funniest by far, the banter between Jerry and Angie was pretty cute.
"wrath of Juan"  HAHA, I loved that line.

But after that line I thought the script fell flat.  It was too neatly tied up, I wish there was a twist or something, it just seemed like you didn't know how to end it so you just slapped this "happy" ending, the boss decided to replace the booth, Jerry happened not to get the memo, plus he gets paid days off till the new one arrives, it just felt weak.

All in all, the first 10 pages are a hoot, but the ending didn't work at all for me, still a good read with some good laughs.  nice job.

Hey Mike,

This was very good, and I liked that you put a twist on the "losing a job" theme. I have a job. I just don’t know where it is - f'ing hillarious! I thought you sketched out the characters really well, but personally I liked Angie better - I can't rule out that the nipples won me over.

The "Wrath of Juan" line was priceless.

Very good.

Cheers
Rob