SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:09am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Unknown Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    The Unknown  (currently 6281 views)
Antemasque
Posted: February 2nd, 2005, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
ok thanks

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 64
NW3
Posted: February 3rd, 2005, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
I guess I read the version everyone is complaining about, so I won't mention the format.

Here are some thoughts. [*CONTAINS SPOILERS*]

The opening location is good: an archeological dig in a Peruvian desert - which should be 'EXT.' - with a skeleton being uncovered. That's intriguing, although it has nothing to do with the story. No need for description of clothing or height of the characters unless it's important to the plot - if he's 7 feet tall or 300 pounds for example.

I don't want to sound harsh but there is a lot of work to be done, especially on dialogue, which is very literal and usually has people telling other people what is going on. Think about the interaction between characters and give information in a visual way. Cut it to the bare amount to get a point across and the pace will roll. For example, the opening line (you should get Donald or any other character name up on their first introduction unless it's a plot device where the character remains unidentified) reads:


                   MAN
      Excuse me, Are you Joe Crofter?


...which sounds true to life but is dull. What if the answer was, "No, that's him over there"? With a question like that, it might happen, but anyway you're wasting screen time. Just have:


                   DONALD
      Joe Crofter?

                   JOE
      That's me.


Now Donald can rattle off the set up without having to ask for a moment of Joe's time and all the preliminaries. Get to the point or the audience will fidget. I'd like it better if Donald went over to the foreman and asked the question and the guy pointed to a blonde in khaki shorts: "You mean 'Jo' Crofter?" So 'Joe' is a girl. And what a girl!

Next there is awkward exposition:


 "...we have found an underground chamber. You are one of the world's finest archeologist and we need your help. Six other people will be going on this expedition."


It's pretty flat. This is the set up for the whole movie. It should have something like:


                   JOE
      What's this all about?

                   DONALD
      I can't tell you here, is there
      someplace we can talk?

                   JOE
      Tell me now or I'm not going
      anywhere.

                   DONALD
      Mr Crofter, what I have to tell you
      is the most incredible story you
      will ever hear...


...and so on. Right off the bat Donald offers a million dollars for the job, which is a sum few of us can grasp and makes Joe seem like a mercenary. He'd take the cash and never bother getting dusty again. The audience will be thinking the money is the important thing and who cares what they are after? That's not what you want, so make the immediate motivation clear (Joe is flat broke) and add in a bigger incentive with the reward yet to come:


                   JOE
      What's the pay?

                   DONALD
      Fifty thousand plus an equal share
      of the reward if you complete in
      time.

                   JOE
      That's quite an amount.

                   DONALD
      Believe me, Mr Crofter, the money
      is unimportant.


Like Indiana Jones, Joe does the job or wants the artifact for its own sake, and because of his principles, becomes a more interesting character.

Next comes an interminable series of introductions, where the team stand up and intone name rank and serial number like an AA meeting. They all speak with the same (dull) voice. Develop each as a distinct personality. Have Joe get tight with the next most important character and get from him the tour of the others: "Let me introduce you to the team". This is a more natural situation and of course it is as much a way of introducing the characters to the audience as to Joe. In their differing reactions to the new boy, we get the personality of each: the cheerful one, the hostile one, the quiet one, the sinister one... One turns out to be a traitor and another comes through unexpectedly as the entire crew comes under threat. It's standard stuff. At the moment you have a parade of identical cut-outs and it's hard to work up any enthusiasm for the story.

It's extremely unlikely that the team would be assembled and introduced literally on the plane to the site. Joe gets only a day's notice, so what if he'd said 'No'? Would the job go on without him? If so, why was he even asked? If it depended on him going, surely Donald would get him on board first and build the team around him? You just want an excuse to get all these tough guys into the jungle, but it should be obvious that that won't make a movie. Somebody had to have uncovered the chamber in the first place, so simply have the rest of the team already on site and Joe brought in as Donald realized they needed expert help. This overcomes all the problems nicely, since the audience knows only as much as Joe and get up to speed alongside him as he arrives at the mysterious ancient site. It is immediately apparent that some of the team welcome him and others resent his presence, but someone is up to something and Joe had better get to the bottom of it quick or he'll never collect on that reward.

Reconsider the swearing, guys. This has the makings of an adventure yarn to span age groups, yet having Joe clumsily utter 'm*therf*ck*r' early on for no good reason is immature and means it will stay in the bedside drawer. (IMO).

I can't see the purpose of the flashback scene, since Donald narrates over it pretty much exactly what we see on screen. It will cost a lot to produce and add nothing. On the other hand, if you feel the ancient backstory is a vital element, expand it into a proper sequence without Voice Over as a scene setter.

Watch out for lapses such as 'Anderson (V.O.)' when we don't know he is the pilot yet.

You see the redundancy of having the team on board the airplane when you put them all to sleep so that Joe and Donald can chat. Here is a great opportunity to flesh out your characters but it's wasted when Donald asks how Joe got into his line.


 "Well, I just well got into it. I thought “Hey why not?” And now here I am."


If you don't care and he doesn't care, why should we?

You've got a lot of other things to attend to before you consider giving any character an arc or a ghost or any of that 'screenplay craft' checklist stuff, but here is a good opportunity to put some kind of depth on the page. Maybe he and Donald can open up over a good bottle of whisky, trading stories and garnering respect. This would work even better if you did make Joe a girl and they'd have a dangerous flirtation ("Quid pro quo, Clarice...") Anyway, in this case just as Joe looks ready to reveal his motivation the plane goes into a dive and we are jolted back to more important matters. At the end you reprise the scene with, "Hey, you never did tell me how that story ended" and you give the script a cyclical feel. The audience get a pay-off too: "Ah, so THAT'S the reason for [whatever]. Cool!" and they see the whole movie in a different light. If you really play up this aspect they may want to see the movie again and producers will love you. It's a lot to expect from new writers, but...

You devise a particularly nasty death for Donald, and this is where I say violent movies carry a responsibility to their audience. Whatever did he do to 'deserve' that? If it's just for titillation, leave it out. Accidents happen and good people die but they shouldn't be sliced in two and left twitching. Enough said.

I don't know why you have the plane go down on a remote island. It makes a nonsense of the Shangri-La staff and the excavations in East Asia. That's where they are headed and the audience will be impatient to get there. If the intention is to tie this location to the other then I can't see the purpose. Give the audience the confidence that they are at the center of operations, and not feel that the real story is going on elsewhere.

I mentioned that your cast of characters are too similar in personality, and perhaps you confused even yourselves, since Larry goes missing but in their search for him is included in the party entering the church, where it is Tony who turns up on the cross. This is a striking image and just the point where the script seems to be taking off, which is where you leave it unfinished. I can't say the purpose of this site, but an incomplete script is specifically excluded for upload, so you really should spend some time on it before seeking opinions. It needs lots of work as you should realize.

I hope all this doesn't seem too heavy for you if your writing is just a bit of fun, but it's as well to take it seriously so that others will too. I'll read and comment on trhe new draft if I have time and it's useful to you.



Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 64
Antemasque
Posted: February 3rd, 2005, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
thanks.
first the story of the island really comes into play on part two. so what we did was just add some minor details which was the flashback voice overd by Donald. donald had a gresome death yes. (so lets say ur in the movies seeing this. the first killing u see it gresome. the audience will get a gross yet cool reaction considering this script will have some slow parts) also about each character. as the story goes on and on (the characters that are still alive) will be explained more and what not. and about joe being a girl you said. i do not want a romantic thing going on in this story. even if it adds tension. and (spoiler for the whole series!!!!!) (not a big one tho)





they never do make it to east asia. that is just a story so the audience can go along and then the plane suddenly crashes. most of this script has been planned out and we already know all of the events. trust me. wach thing that happens will be added on later in the process of writing this script. again, thank you for you review.
What did u think overall about part one tho?

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 17 - 64
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 4th, 2005, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
The next draft we'll cut down on the language - cause I can see where you're coming from, and you're absolutly right.

Same with the dialect of the characters.

Donald's death was a sort ode to films like "Thirteen Ghosts."
You know - it's like in "Resident Evil" when the "One" nearly avoids the laser beam, jumps down, and right as it seems he's safe another one rushes down the corridor, splits into a grid and passes through him.

Andrew is right, more on the island will be explained in part two, I'm working on the mythology and backstory of the lost colony as we speak.

Again, this is simply a first draft and you're imput is appreciated.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 18 - 64
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 4th, 2005, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
The introductions - I agree are a bit dull, but keep in mind this is a first draft.

About the dialogue - I just wrote it as people around where I live speak.
The swearing was a bit over the top and again we'll try to cut down on it.

As for the flashback sequence - later on in the film they find the chamber so they could probably just film that on the same set.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 19 - 64
Antemasque
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 8:07am Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
Okay the GOOD version is up now thanks to Ziggy and everyone should really read it and tell us what you think.
Thanks.

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 64
NW3
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 10:37am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
That's great - I'll take a read but it's not fair on you if I make too many suggestions so I'll leave others to comment.

I can understand better where you are coming from since you mention RESIDENT EVIL. Now THAT was a gruesome death (slopping sound as the diced body parts slid to the floor...) I'd just be a bit concerned that you only wanted something flashy to spice things up when the movie got a bit dull. Make it all good!

Swearing is a touchy issue. You want your characters to sound 'real' but there are practical reasons to tone it down - it needs to fit into the lucrative 12-24 age group audience and even a couple of words might take it above PG-15. Don't let it hinder your writing though.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 64
Antemasque
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
You are totally right about having a flashly scene in the beginning. We wanted to do that because well.... just for the reader to be shocked and what not. And the language is gonna be changed. If this were to have a rating it would be R but not for language. As the rest of this goes on it gets rather... gresome and you will just have to wait and see what happens.    so thanks

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 64
NW3
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 10:53am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
Cool.

I just took a look at the latest versionand the format is very much better, so you should be pleased with the work you've done there. I don't think the story is much different to the one I already commented on, so I look forward to 'Chapter 2'.

Jon
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 23 - 64
Antemasque
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 10:57am Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
There is nothing different about the story. What i plan on doing is this. After all 4 parts are completed. I am going to take them all and put them together. I will edit/add a lot more stuff. I am also thinking about writing 2 endings. I already know the ending i am going to use but i thought i would write two just for fun.

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 24 - 64
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
Yeah, right now were writing them as seperate parts so we can have readers review each part.
It makes it easier to improve the script, and hopefully later this year once we have all the parts finished and revised - we'll combine it and release it as one script.  
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 25 - 64
Antemasque
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


the ocean floor is hidden from your viewing lens

Location
Baltimore, MD
Posts
558
Posts Per Day
0.08
That is exactly what i have been planning on doing. I am also gonna write a haunted house movie which can be seen in the work in progress section. And also check out Ziggys quirky romantic comedy also in the work in progress section.

Andrew
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 26 - 64
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
I'm actually helping Andrew with the haunted house flick as well as the quiky romantic comedy.

Anyone else interested in giving a review of this script?
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 27 - 64
Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Location
Ontario, Canada
Posts
2908
Posts Per Day
0.38
Is this a short? because when i took it from html and into word to eventually make a pdf I noticed it was under 30 pages. Is it or did I do something wrong?


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 64
Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 5th, 2005, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

Location
Wherever I may be
Posts
998
Posts Per Day
0.14
Yeah - it's around nineteen pages or so.

We're releasing the film in four seperate parts.
Logged Offline
Private Message AIM YIM Windows Live Messenger Reply: 29 - 64
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Thriller Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006