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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Unknown Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Unknown  (currently 6282 views)
Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 6th, 2005, 5:55am Report to Moderator
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First off you guys spaced too much with the description, than you used we and from what I've learned you're never supposed to use we. Now I believe the opening sequence should have been longer or different. It's too vague to begin a script on.

Feels a lot like Armageddon with the proposal, a millions bucks, huh? He agrees to go way too fast, almost a desperate attempt to move the scene along, don't be afraid to stay with it and flesh out the story. Only way to my heart is through speaking, wait that didn't sound right, oh well I'll leave it in anyways and you can take it for what it's worth.

ext. outside doesn't work at all, so there is some fixing with small errors here and there that will be easy to find once you read it over. Too many characters for a short script even if there will be three more parts. Shouldn't introduce so many right away, your choice though.

In the plane sequence its almost as if everyone but the 3 disappear and why would you kill who is set up as a main character in part 1? You didn't have int ext's in the plane but you cut back and forth as if there should be.

The woods are called the bathroom now? Couldn't you just say he was taking a leak? Just wondering. Tony’s way of speaking changes when he talked about exploring goes from rough to normal in an instant for no reason when you have about 5 others to talk normal.

the sun was blocked Simpson’s like it was so quick, I was like what the f... just happened here, it should start the characters say what's going on and than it goes pitch black not just a sudden blackness.

They got lost but it seemed like they only took a few steps before this happened and you really should have set up the cross around his neck before when he was introduced.

I thought it was unfinished but very enjoyable as is, probably the other parts will clarify some unanswered questions but hey good job you guys and I hope I could help.


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Ian
Posted: February 6th, 2005, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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I agree with the points others have made about format and structure etc. You try to get this going way too fast and it seems unrealistic. Everything just seems to HAPPEN with no set up. No care is taken when it comes to easing the events along. I can't tell one character from another because the on the nose dialogue doesn't reveal anything about their personalities. Try and think hard about what people REALLY say in real life, not what provides the most information. That's just a lazy way of telling a story.

The story however, is intriguing. Obviously I don't yet know where it's going to go but so far it's interesting and I think that if you can just perfect the way you tell your story, you'll be onto a winner here. You have the opportunity to write a story that's rich in detail and character because of the whole myth that's been created and the characters you SHOULD be writing (at the moment they're wafer thin). I would advise you to keep working on this before you write anymore because what you write prior to fixing the mistakes will only need changing in the end anyway. You can't take these characters any further until you go back and improve them. If you do, the same problems present in this part will be present in everything else you write.

By the way, I liked Donald's death . You said you wanted something gory and shocking to come out of nowhere and that works. I had a hard time picturing to maybe you should refine the description, but I think I got the idea. I thought Donald was going to become an important character, he seemed untrustworthy. I didn't see it coming so I guess you succeeded! Well done.

Ian


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Antemasque
Posted: February 6th, 2005, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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I'll be busy today re-writing this and what not. So far i have made the beginning scene a little longer by adding some more questions. I have also set-up some stuff that we will hear about later in the movie.

Andrew
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Antemasque
Posted: February 6th, 2005, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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i thought this would be funny to post  http://imdb.com/title/tt0364616/

Andrew
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 6th, 2005, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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Yeah, the second part goes more in depth.
There is a mythology of the island that I really want to get into.

I would like to actually add some woman to the story to balance out the characters.
And possibly add some more to the character.
Their introductions will be change - just right now both Andrew and I are concerned with just writing the story.

Wes, Ian, thanks for the reviews - I'll consider what you've said when writing the second draft.
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Antemasque
Posted: February 8th, 2005, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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so far i have done the beginning over by extending it about a page. i will be working on the dialogue next.

andrew
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Robcwalker
Posted: February 8th, 2005, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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I found it interesting, a little too much " what the F***" in the script. I would be interested in reading part II
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: February 8th, 2005, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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Check out The Last Days Of The Desert Dogs

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Part 2 has less swearing it.
But, I think at least, it'll really be almost straight horror/action and will really do the story justice.  

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Chris_MacGuffin  -  February 8th, 2005, 8:50pm
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Robcwalker
Posted: February 8th, 2005, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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The world's greatest archeologist would be a polished, educated man  who is not affraid to roll up his sleeves. Probably a PHD. Have you ever been around Phd's or professors ( academia), if so temper/model your character with that aire. He would be greatly concerned with the outcome of the findings/dig site. An archeologist that would abandoned principles for quick cash would haave to be a washed up drunk etc. or more like a tomb raider. Also world's greatest would already be wealthy from lecture series, book offers, grants etc so money motivation would have less influence, however if approached as a funding opportunity for his "big project" might be inticing him . Perhaps this site is on par with the Holy graile of missing artifacts. Just something to consider
 

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Robcwalker  -  February 8th, 2005, 11:35pm
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: February 9th, 2005, 9:29am Report to Moderator
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I remembered this point I forgot to make, how could the worlds greatest archeologist be only 20. That's saying everyone else is dumb, most of the smartest people in the world, well the higher level are past 25 I believe


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Antemasque
Posted: February 9th, 2005, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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i think you all are exadderating(Sp?) this a little too much. When i wrote the World Greatest i meant to say that he is really good. In real life i believe there is no world greatest. Just someone better then one another. I believe Joe is one of the best and he is better then most around. Later in the sotry you will see that he actually is a really good arceologist(Sp?) So that is what i have to say.

He is a really good one but in his perspective, The Worlds Greatest. Do you all understand what i mean?

Andrew
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Antemasque
Posted: February 15th, 2005, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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anyone else have something to say/review on script?

Andrew
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Scoob
Posted: February 20th, 2005, 3:29am Report to Moderator
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I will be reading it tonight at work, and post back my views Monday morning.
Sorry for the delay.



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Scoob
Posted: February 21st, 2005, 5:09am Report to Moderator
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The Unknown - Review

Ok, I said i would review this script a while ago so now I have some time, I will do just that!

This promises to be Indiana Jones style from the early dialouge, Joe seems more interested in the money then the job itself but that's fair play.
Ok, the plane scene seems a bit off to me, Joe's dialouge when introducing himself makes him come across as a definite money obsessed foul mouthed lay about.
I don't like the way they all introduce themselves on the plane by standing up and talking, it seems like something you would do back at school, not a million dollar funded quest.
The swearing also may a bit over the top and over used, especially as we are trying to warm to these people.
But all this can be easily sorted out if need be, and it is only a minor issue.

I liked the flashback scene, I thought the dialouge was well done and informal and the scenes themselves were nicely put together.

Donald got a gruesome death, that was nice, but I would have liked him to stay on for a while, he seemed a character that may have more then meets the eye. Maybe a bit too violent depending on what age group you are aiming for here. Perhaps more detail on the plane might be needed also during the crash.

Chris is bitten by a snake presumably and this scene was OK, you had decent suspence and you're writing is good.

The following scenes have too much swearing and the dialouge needs working on IMO. WAY too much swearing, the F word is into double figures already and we are only on page 16. Try and be more creative with dialouge here.

Now I DO like the introduction of the church. This has real promise and you have real potential to get some atmospheric mood with this.

All in all, I found it enjoyable to a point. You need to cut the swearing out, a great deal of dialouge needs to be completly re-written and build some of the characters into people we might care about.

I did enjoy you're writing, and some moments have real promise, such as the church in the middle of nowhere and a plane crash that, if re-written, may be more exciting. I would also keep Donald alive, he seem's to know more then he let on at first and could be a devious character later on.

So when is Part 2 coming up?



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Antemasque
Posted: February 21st, 2005, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review. Part 2 should be out in about 2-3 months (Maybe less). Now about Donald.  Do you really think that is the end of him? This is only a rough and is what came out at the time of writing. I will be working on the dialogue and such. Including the introduction which will be changed around in order to make him interested in the quest not the money. The plane crash is suppose to feel a little off. It is suppose to like come out of no where and just be like BAM! You know what i mean? Thats about all. Thanks again.

Andrew

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Antemasque  -  February 21st, 2005, 9:07am
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