The Unknown by Andrew Roby and Ziggy W - Thriller - On an exploration, Joe and 6 other strangers take a trip to East Asia in order to conduct an extraordinary dig. But while traveling over the Atlantic Ocean their plane crashes on an unknown island and they must struggle to stay alive. While on the island they discover an abandoned Church. In conclusion  strange things start to happen as they stay on the island. - html, format

Please excuse the formating problems - this is only the second draft.
Once we get some feedback on this I'd like to do another draft.

Right now I'm wary of using my screenwriting software, since the computer it's on keeps crashing.

Thanks Don.
Read it everyone!! And give feedback. We worked hard on this script!

Andrew

I re-submitted this in better format everyone. (Well at least i hope) Has anyone read this yet¿?

Andrew

I cant read it in it's current format so I will wait until the new format arrives.

I'm in the middle of watching a movie right now, but I wanted to read this as I said I would long ago... and went to save it for later but your screenplay is all screwy and stuff.  It's all like cropped off at the top and it makes my eyes hurt.  Like half the words are there and half are gone.

Anyways, I hope that new format works out for you and I can read it next time.

BALTIS~

Good thoughts~

The format is the same as my other scripts. which no one had a problem reading. so it should be good

Andrew

Well I wont be reading it if it remains in it's current format.

I wouldn't say I can't read it for no reason apart from the fact I am not going to strain my eyes reading this formatted version.

The writing is all chopped up at the top of the words so until you redo it, I wont be reading it.

Cheers

i submitted a better format

Ok, nice one

I will be sure to read it when it comes up.

Okay. The new format is up and it should be better. Now read!!!!!!

Andrew

It's still in the same format.
- I'll try to send Don a html draft.

it is different. i made it easier to read (well at least for me) anyone look at this yet?

I was going to give this a read, but it'll have to wait a little longer. Suffice to say my hatred towards hackers and their buggered viruses continues to grow.

Once I get my computer cleared up I'll check this out.

I just got my computer working again -  
I just sent Don the draft I wrote on Movie Magic Screenwriter.
It's in HTML format and hopefully shall be up soon.

The grammar and dialogue has been fixed up and the script has been properly formated.

ok thanks

Andrew

I guess I read the version everyone is complaining about, so I won't mention the format.

Here are some thoughts. [*CONTAINS SPOILERS*]

The opening location is good: an archeological dig in a Peruvian desert - which should be 'EXT.' - with a skeleton being uncovered. That's intriguing, although it has nothing to do with the story. No need for description of clothing or height of the characters unless it's important to the plot - if he's 7 feet tall or 300 pounds for example.

I don't want to sound harsh but there is a lot of work to be done, especially on dialogue, which is very literal and usually has people telling other people what is going on. Think about the interaction between characters and give information in a visual way. Cut it to the bare amount to get a point across and the pace will roll. For example, the opening line (you should get Donald or any other character name up on their first introduction unless it's a plot device where the character remains unidentified) reads:


                   MAN
      Excuse me, Are you Joe Crofter?


...which sounds true to life but is dull. What if the answer was, "No, that's him over there"? With a question like that, it might happen, but anyway you're wasting screen time. Just have:


                   DONALD
      Joe Crofter?

                   JOE
      That's me.


Now Donald can rattle off the set up without having to ask for a moment of Joe's time and all the preliminaries. Get to the point or the audience will fidget. I'd like it better if Donald went over to the foreman and asked the question and the guy pointed to a blonde in khaki shorts: "You mean 'Jo' Crofter?" So 'Joe' is a girl. And what a girl!

Next there is awkward exposition:


 "...we have found an underground chamber. You are one of the world's finest archeologist and we need your help. Six other people will be going on this expedition."


It's pretty flat. This is the set up for the whole movie. It should have something like:


                   JOE
      What's this all about?

                   DONALD
      I can't tell you here, is there
      someplace we can talk?

                   JOE
      Tell me now or I'm not going
      anywhere.

                   DONALD
      Mr Crofter, what I have to tell you
      is the most incredible story you
      will ever hear...


...and so on. Right off the bat Donald offers a million dollars for the job, which is a sum few of us can grasp and makes Joe seem like a mercenary. He'd take the cash and never bother getting dusty again. The audience will be thinking the money is the important thing and who cares what they are after? That's not what you want, so make the immediate motivation clear (Joe is flat broke) and add in a bigger incentive with the reward yet to come:


                   JOE
      What's the pay?

                   DONALD
      Fifty thousand plus an equal share
      of the reward if you complete in
      time.

                   JOE
      That's quite an amount.

                   DONALD
      Believe me, Mr Crofter, the money
      is unimportant.


Like Indiana Jones, Joe does the job or wants the artifact for its own sake, and because of his principles, becomes a more interesting character.

Next comes an interminable series of introductions, where the team stand up and intone name rank and serial number like an AA meeting. They all speak with the same (dull) voice. Develop each as a distinct personality. Have Joe get tight with the next most important character and get from him the tour of the others: "Let me introduce you to the team". This is a more natural situation and of course it is as much a way of introducing the characters to the audience as to Joe. In their differing reactions to the new boy, we get the personality of each: the cheerful one, the hostile one, the quiet one, the sinister one... One turns out to be a traitor and another comes through unexpectedly as the entire crew comes under threat. It's standard stuff. At the moment you have a parade of identical cut-outs and it's hard to work up any enthusiasm for the story.

It's extremely unlikely that the team would be assembled and introduced literally on the plane to the site. Joe gets only a day's notice, so what if he'd said 'No'? Would the job go on without him? If so, why was he even asked? If it depended on him going, surely Donald would get him on board first and build the team around him? You just want an excuse to get all these tough guys into the jungle, but it should be obvious that that won't make a movie. Somebody had to have uncovered the chamber in the first place, so simply have the rest of the team already on site and Joe brought in as Donald realized they needed expert help. This overcomes all the problems nicely, since the audience knows only as much as Joe and get up to speed alongside him as he arrives at the mysterious ancient site. It is immediately apparent that some of the team welcome him and others resent his presence, but someone is up to something and Joe had better get to the bottom of it quick or he'll never collect on that reward.

Reconsider the swearing, guys. This has the makings of an adventure yarn to span age groups, yet having Joe clumsily utter 'm*therf*ck*r' early on for no good reason is immature and means it will stay in the bedside drawer. (IMO).

I can't see the purpose of the flashback scene, since Donald narrates over it pretty much exactly what we see on screen. It will cost a lot to produce and add nothing. On the other hand, if you feel the ancient backstory is a vital element, expand it into a proper sequence without Voice Over as a scene setter.

Watch out for lapses such as 'Anderson (V.O.)' when we don't know he is the pilot yet.

You see the redundancy of having the team on board the airplane when you put them all to sleep so that Joe and Donald can chat. Here is a great opportunity to flesh out your characters but it's wasted when Donald asks how Joe got into his line.


 "Well, I just well got into it. I thought “Hey why not?” And now here I am."


If you don't care and he doesn't care, why should we?

You've got a lot of other things to attend to before you consider giving any character an arc or a ghost or any of that 'screenplay craft' checklist stuff, but here is a good opportunity to put some kind of depth on the page. Maybe he and Donald can open up over a good bottle of whisky, trading stories and garnering respect. This would work even better if you did make Joe a girl and they'd have a dangerous flirtation ("Quid pro quo, Clarice...") Anyway, in this case just as Joe looks ready to reveal his motivation the plane goes into a dive and we are jolted back to more important matters. At the end you reprise the scene with, "Hey, you never did tell me how that story ended" and you give the script a cyclical feel. The audience get a pay-off too: "Ah, so THAT'S the reason for [whatever]. Cool!" and they see the whole movie in a different light. If you really play up this aspect they may want to see the movie again and producers will love you. It's a lot to expect from new writers, but...

You devise a particularly nasty death for Donald, and this is where I say violent movies carry a responsibility to their audience. Whatever did he do to 'deserve' that? If it's just for titillation, leave it out. Accidents happen and good people die but they shouldn't be sliced in two and left twitching. Enough said.

I don't know why you have the plane go down on a remote island. It makes a nonsense of the Shangri-La staff and the excavations in East Asia. That's where they are headed and the audience will be impatient to get there. If the intention is to tie this location to the other then I can't see the purpose. Give the audience the confidence that they are at the center of operations, and not feel that the real story is going on elsewhere.

I mentioned that your cast of characters are too similar in personality, and perhaps you confused even yourselves, since Larry goes missing but in their search for him is included in the party entering the church, where it is Tony who turns up on the cross. This is a striking image and just the point where the script seems to be taking off, which is where you leave it unfinished. I can't say the purpose of this site, but an incomplete script is specifically excluded for upload, so you really should spend some time on it before seeking opinions. It needs lots of work as you should realize.

I hope all this doesn't seem too heavy for you if your writing is just a bit of fun, but it's as well to take it seriously so that others will too. I'll read and comment on trhe new draft if I have time and it's useful to you.

thanks.
first the story of the island really comes into play on part two. so what we did was just add some minor details which was the flashback voice overd by Donald. donald had a gresome death yes. (so lets say ur in the movies seeing this. the first killing u see it gresome. the audience will get a gross yet cool reaction considering this script will have some slow parts) also about each character. as the story goes on and on (the characters that are still alive) will be explained more and what not. and about joe being a girl you said. i do not want a romantic thing going on in this story. even if it adds tension. and (spoiler for the whole series!!!!!) (not a big one tho)





they never do make it to east asia. that is just a story so the audience can go along and then the plane suddenly crashes. most of this script has been planned out and we already know all of the events. trust me. wach thing that happens will be added on later in the process of writing this script. again, thank you for you review.
What did u think overall about part one tho?

Andrew

The next draft we'll cut down on the language - cause I can see where you're coming from, and you're absolutly right.

Same with the dialect of the characters.

Donald's death was a sort ode to films like "Thirteen Ghosts."
You know - it's like in "Resident Evil" when the "One" nearly avoids the laser beam, jumps down, and right as it seems he's safe another one rushes down the corridor, splits into a grid and passes through him.

Andrew is right, more on the island will be explained in part two, I'm working on the mythology and backstory of the lost colony as we speak.

Again, this is simply a first draft and you're imput is appreciated.

The introductions - I agree are a bit dull, but keep in mind this is a first draft.

About the dialogue - I just wrote it as people around where I live speak.
The swearing was a bit over the top and again we'll try to cut down on it.

As for the flashback sequence - later on in the film they find the chamber so they could probably just film that on the same set.

Okay the GOOD version is up now thanks to Ziggy and everyone should really read it and tell us what you think.
Thanks.

Andrew

That's great - I'll take a read but it's not fair on you if I make too many suggestions so I'll leave others to comment.

I can understand better where you are coming from since you mention RESIDENT EVIL. Now THAT was a gruesome death (slopping sound as the diced body parts slid to the floor...) I'd just be a bit concerned that you only wanted something flashy to spice things up when the movie got a bit dull. Make it all good!

Swearing is a touchy issue. You want your characters to sound 'real' but there are practical reasons to tone it down - it needs to fit into the lucrative 12-24 age group audience and even a couple of words might take it above PG-15. Don't let it hinder your writing though.

You are totally right about having a flashly scene in the beginning. We wanted to do that because well.... just for the reader to be shocked and what not. And the language is gonna be changed. If this were to have a rating it would be R but not for language. As the rest of this goes on it gets rather... gresome and you will just have to wait and see what happens.    so thanks

Andrew

Cool.

I just took a look at the latest versionand the format is very much better, so you should be pleased with the work you've done there. I don't think the story is much different to the one I already commented on, so I look forward to 'Chapter 2'.

Jon

There is nothing different about the story. What i plan on doing is this. After all 4 parts are completed. I am going to take them all and put them together. I will edit/add a lot more stuff. I am also thinking about writing 2 endings. I already know the ending i am going to use but i thought i would write two just for fun.

Andrew

Yeah, right now were writing them as seperate parts so we can have readers review each part.
It makes it easier to improve the script, and hopefully later this year once we have all the parts finished and revised - we'll combine it and release it as one script.  

That is exactly what i have been planning on doing. I am also gonna write a haunted house movie which can be seen in the work in progress section. And also check out Ziggys quirky romantic comedy also in the work in progress section.

Andrew

I'm actually helping Andrew with the haunted house flick as well as the quiky romantic comedy.

Anyone else interested in giving a review of this script?

Is this a short? because when i took it from html and into word to eventually make a pdf I noticed it was under 30 pages. Is it or did I do something wrong?

Yeah - it's around nineteen pages or so.

We're releasing the film in four seperate parts.

First off you guys spaced too much with the description, than you used we and from what I've learned you're never supposed to use we. Now I believe the opening sequence should have been longer or different. It's too vague to begin a script on.

Feels a lot like Armageddon with the proposal, a millions bucks, huh? He agrees to go way too fast, almost a desperate attempt to move the scene along, don't be afraid to stay with it and flesh out the story. Only way to my heart is through speaking, wait that didn't sound right, oh well I'll leave it in anyways and you can take it for what it's worth.

ext. outside doesn't work at all, so there is some fixing with small errors here and there that will be easy to find once you read it over. Too many characters for a short script even if there will be three more parts. Shouldn't introduce so many right away, your choice though.

In the plane sequence its almost as if everyone but the 3 disappear and why would you kill who is set up as a main character in part 1? You didn't have int ext's in the plane but you cut back and forth as if there should be.

The woods are called the bathroom now? Couldn't you just say he was taking a leak? Just wondering. Tony’s way of speaking changes when he talked about exploring goes from rough to normal in an instant for no reason when you have about 5 others to talk normal.

the sun was blocked Simpson’s like it was so quick, I was like what the f... just happened here, it should start the characters say what's going on and than it goes pitch black not just a sudden blackness.

They got lost but it seemed like they only took a few steps before this happened and you really should have set up the cross around his neck before when he was introduced.

I thought it was unfinished but very enjoyable as is, probably the other parts will clarify some unanswered questions but hey good job you guys and I hope I could help.

I agree with the points others have made about format and structure etc. You try to get this going way too fast and it seems unrealistic. Everything just seems to HAPPEN with no set up. No care is taken when it comes to easing the events along. I can't tell one character from another because the on the nose dialogue doesn't reveal anything about their personalities. Try and think hard about what people REALLY say in real life, not what provides the most information. That's just a lazy way of telling a story.

The story however, is intriguing. Obviously I don't yet know where it's going to go but so far it's interesting and I think that if you can just perfect the way you tell your story, you'll be onto a winner here. You have the opportunity to write a story that's rich in detail and character because of the whole myth that's been created and the characters you SHOULD be writing (at the moment they're wafer thin). I would advise you to keep working on this before you write anymore because what you write prior to fixing the mistakes will only need changing in the end anyway. You can't take these characters any further until you go back and improve them. If you do, the same problems present in this part will be present in everything else you write.

By the way, I liked Donald's death . You said you wanted something gory and shocking to come out of nowhere and that works. I had a hard time picturing to maybe you should refine the description, but I think I got the idea. I thought Donald was going to become an important character, he seemed untrustworthy. I didn't see it coming so I guess you succeeded! Well done.

Ian

I'll be busy today re-writing this and what not. So far i have made the beginning scene a little longer by adding some more questions. I have also set-up some stuff that we will hear about later in the movie.

Andrew

i thought this would be funny to post  http://imdb.com/title/tt0364616/

Andrew

Yeah, the second part goes more in depth.
There is a mythology of the island that I really want to get into.

I would like to actually add some woman to the story to balance out the characters.
And possibly add some more to the character.
Their introductions will be change - just right now both Andrew and I are concerned with just writing the story.

Wes, Ian, thanks for the reviews - I'll consider what you've said when writing the second draft.

so far i have done the beginning over by extending it about a page. i will be working on the dialogue next.

andrew

I found it interesting, a little too much " what the F***" in the script. I would be interested in reading part II

Part 2 has less swearing it.
But, I think at least, it'll really be almost straight horror/action and will really do the story justice.  

The world's greatest archeologist would be a polished, educated man  who is not affraid to roll up his sleeves. Probably a PHD. Have you ever been around Phd's or professors ( academia), if so temper/model your character with that aire. He would be greatly concerned with the outcome of the findings/dig site. An archeologist that would abandoned principles for quick cash would haave to be a washed up drunk etc. or more like a tomb raider. Also world's greatest would already be wealthy from lecture series, book offers, grants etc so money motivation would have less influence, however if approached as a funding opportunity for his "big project" might be inticing him . Perhaps this site is on par with the Holy graile of missing artifacts. Just something to consider
 

I remembered this point I forgot to make, how could the worlds greatest archeologist be only 20. That's saying everyone else is dumb, most of the smartest people in the world, well the higher level are past 25 I believe

i think you all are exadderating(Sp?) this a little too much. When i wrote the World Greatest i meant to say that he is really good. In real life i believe there is no world greatest. Just someone better then one another. I believe Joe is one of the best and he is better then most around. Later in the sotry you will see that he actually is a really good arceologist(Sp?) So that is what i have to say.

He is a really good one but in his perspective, The Worlds Greatest. Do you all understand what i mean?

Andrew

anyone else have something to say/review on script?

Andrew

I will be reading it tonight at work, and post back my views Monday morning.
Sorry for the delay.

The Unknown - Review

Ok, I said i would review this script a while ago so now I have some time, I will do just that!

This promises to be Indiana Jones style from the early dialouge, Joe seems more interested in the money then the job itself but that's fair play.
Ok, the plane scene seems a bit off to me, Joe's dialouge when introducing himself makes him come across as a definite money obsessed foul mouthed lay about.
I don't like the way they all introduce themselves on the plane by standing up and talking, it seems like something you would do back at school, not a million dollar funded quest.
The swearing also may a bit over the top and over used, especially as we are trying to warm to these people.
But all this can be easily sorted out if need be, and it is only a minor issue.

I liked the flashback scene, I thought the dialouge was well done and informal and the scenes themselves were nicely put together.

Donald got a gruesome death, that was nice, but I would have liked him to stay on for a while, he seemed a character that may have more then meets the eye. Maybe a bit too violent depending on what age group you are aiming for here. Perhaps more detail on the plane might be needed also during the crash.

Chris is bitten by a snake presumably and this scene was OK, you had decent suspence and you're writing is good.

The following scenes have too much swearing and the dialouge needs working on IMO. WAY too much swearing, the F word is into double figures already and we are only on page 16. Try and be more creative with dialouge here.

Now I DO like the introduction of the church. This has real promise and you have real potential to get some atmospheric mood with this.

All in all, I found it enjoyable to a point. You need to cut the swearing out, a great deal of dialouge needs to be completly re-written and build some of the characters into people we might care about.

I did enjoy you're writing, and some moments have real promise, such as the church in the middle of nowhere and a plane crash that, if re-written, may be more exciting. I would also keep Donald alive, he seem's to know more then he let on at first and could be a devious character later on.

So when is Part 2 coming up?

Thanks for the review. Part 2 should be out in about 2-3 months (Maybe less). Now about Donald.  Do you really think that is the end of him? This is only a rough and is what came out at the time of writing. I will be working on the dialogue and such. Including the introduction which will be changed around in order to make him interested in the quest not the money. The plane crash is suppose to feel a little off. It is suppose to like come out of no where and just be like BAM! You know what i mean? Thats about all. Thanks again.

Andrew

I have to agree with Scoob's point about their introductions - to me at least they sound more like an AA meeting more then anything, you know.

"Hello, my name is Joe... lOl.

Update:

Part 2's treatment is being drafted right now, some new characters have been added and I'm in the middle of fleshing out the characters.

this is pretty good

Its been a while my friends, it has been a while.
I know its been a long time and most of you are probably not interested in this anymore. (but we hope you are )
This script is almost complete and will be out soon.
If you read part one and liked it... you have no clue what you are in for with part two.
Part two being the darkest of all.
Will sure deliver the drama and scares right before your eyes.

This script rocked! I love all your writing... Keep it up bro...

Since I want to see how this end I'm updating part 1. I should have it reedited soon.

I changed Joe from a guy to a girl, since we seem to have a lack of women. The AA meeting dialogue has been changed and the action is better defined.

The second part should be done in July. I've always wanted to see how this ends and I figured, yes it's been awhile, but better late then never.

I just resubmitted this a few minutes ago. Still needs a lot of work, though.

i really liked the story you are telling.... but your dialogue...if i'm being honest - it sucks. its wooden and stilted - everyone talks like robots. theres no realness to it. you need to find someone who can write good dialogue and have them help you give this story a once over.

bad dialogue can be excused if you have a great story to tell (IE  Star Wars) however the bad dialouge is outweighing the good story you have here.....

just shooting you straight.

Why did I not even know about this?

Sorry about that man, if you'd like I'll send you what I have of part II. I think since our writings improved we should revisit and revise this.

Quoted from Antemasque Why did I not even know about this?

and that's a rhetorical question.... common with sarcasm and generally smartass remarks.


did you know that one?  

No it was not. I was serious. Did you know that one?

Quoted from Antemasque No it was not. I was serious. Did you know that one?

yeah, okay dude...

Quoted from Herodreamer79 yeah, okay dude...

Mhm. Since I created this script with the help of Topher but heard nothing about what he was doing to it. Just a minor question of what exactly was going on.

So before you bitch... yet again. Think and refer to past facts to see if your statement can hold.

Thank you.

Quoted from Antemasque Mhm. Since I created this script with the help of Topher but heard nothing about what he was doing to it. Just a minor question of what exactly was going on. So before you bitch... yet again. Think and refer to past facts to see if your statement can hold. Thank you.

i read your script and commented on it... comments i later found were genrally in the vein of what everyone else has been saying...

i figured being this is your script you would know that.... hense me feeling your comment was rhetorical...

so before you bitch again... refer to past comments to see if your statement holds

thanks

Dude, don't bash Andrew. Let's not turn this into an argument.

Andrew, sorry man I didn't tell you early. I do want to finish this, even if it is a year late, you know.

oh god here we go again....

I wasnt trying to bash anyone. i did him a curtousy reading and commenting on his script.

Hero,

I think you misunderstood me. I was talking about how i didn't know Topher was redoing the script. I am a sense you think i was refering to the comments you left about the script.

Andrew, I have the plot outline posted on the W.I.P board. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you like the update.

I do want to see this script done, you know.

Quoted from Antemasque Hero, I think you misunderstood me. I was talking about how i didn't know Topher was redoing the script. I am a sense you think i was refering to the comments you left about the script.

*looking for a "foot in mouth" emoticon*