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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Recluse Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 5:53am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Recluse by Andrew Roby and Malcolm Bowman - Thriller, Adventure - Constantine Thriften was just accused of murdering his whole family. Only problem is he states he never preformed such an act. In prison he finds an opportunity to escape and takes it. He makes his way to an unknown island. And on the island there are things that man was never supposed to see. - html, format


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bert
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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What was cool about this story, Andrew and Scoob, was that I could spot both of you in it as I worked my way through the piece.  This is nice work, guys.  A story you can be proud of.  The pace is brisk, without much down-time, and I always like that.  I can’t think of anything else to say up here that would not be a spoiler, so I’ll just get to it:

(Spoiler Space)



*  Just to be a dick, I will bust you on the very first line.  “In what looks like an upper-class area…”  You are the writer here.  It is or it isn’t.  You tell me.
*  Also, the first time a character appears, their name should be in CAPS.  I think you guys already know this, but somebody forgot to do it.  I don’t see it anywhere.
*  The beginning is too much like “Liberty City”, with the slaughter of a wife and kids we haven’t even met yet.  As stated by a couple of people under the L.C. thread, this will not carry a lot of impact until we know these characters a little better.
*  You have a stretch of dialogue, with the judge and Constantine, where it is all in caps.  This just “looks” wrong, and I suspect it is wrong.  You can say something like, “The judge must shout to be heard above the ruckus of the courtroom” or something, and end his lines with a “!” That should be enough.
*  After Weasel starts the car, you say, “they drive around until Constantine points to a house.”  Break this up into two scenes:  “Weasel starts the car -- then end that scene and begin a new one – driving around, and Constantine points to a house.”  And then you have Weasel sitting there honking the horn?  They just escaped from prison!  This detail is unrealistic and needs to go.
*  During the boat scene, which I liked, having Weasel “turn” was clever, but give him some motivation for this.  Constantine’s escape from this situation was done well.  But a tiny piece of dialogue here, by the chopper pilot, I think:  “…both are now a burning chip.” seemed like an odd thing to say.
*  Early on, on the island, you have a scene that begins with the slug “INT. UNDER CAVE” that is way too confusing.  First he is on the floor, then on a ledge, then on the floor again, and suddenly outside the cave.  I read this one a couple of times, but could never follow exactly what was going on.  This scene needs to be reworked, and described in greater detail.
*  You make a tremendously big deal about these “THUDs” in the village.  And then they just stop, and go away?  I like the giant worm very much.  Is it the worm making this noise?  But why does it “Thud”?  It seems like this noise is here for effect – several times – but with no real explanation.  I hope there is a payoff later.  (An addendum, written later:  No.  This noise is never explained.  You use it so frequently that you cannot leave the source of this sound unanswered.  You’ve gotta put it an explanation somewhere, I think, or it comes off as a “cheat”, strictly for effect.)  
*  Ken seems a little too open with Constantine about his past.  Why would he share such intimate details right off the bat?  Or is this supposed to be a clue of some sort?  I am beginning to suspect that something strange is going on here.

It was soon after this last comment that I just stopped making comments, as it quickly became clear that nothing was as it seemed, so questions about continuity or whatever became meaningless.  This actually ended up with a nice “Jacob’s Ladder” feel to it, leaving plenty for the reader to ponder once the story was over.

In fact, now that I am finished, I am not even sure the family was ever real to begin with.  I am not sure if this interpretation was your intent, but I think the story can be read that way, too.

After this has been up for a while, you and Scoob need to drop a line on this thread describing YOUR interpretation of this story, as the authors.

But you should do it separately, and I wonder if even the two of you will agree as to how this story all adds up in the final analysis?


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Antemasque
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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I will tell you my interpretation as more people read it and what not.

On the next draft i already plotted out what i am doing and the first thing is the opening scene.

Thank you for reading this and i am honored you enjoyed it. It's a really good feeling, ya know?
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Scoob
Posted: September 11th, 2005, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,
Thanks for the review on "The Recluse". Im glad you enjoyed it and you have pointed out some great points that Im sure will be fixed.
Andrew really deserves most of the credit, he wrote a large percentage of the script and I think he did a great job putting everything together.




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Nixon
Posted: September 13th, 2005, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I am. Maybe tonight, I've been kinda busy but I'll get around to it.

-Zavier


Though earth and man are gone, I thought the cube would last forever.
I WAS WRONG.
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Martin
Posted: September 13th, 2005, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, I will be checking this out at some point although probably not this week since I'll be visiting friends. It's definitely on my "to read" list though.
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spencerforhire
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Andrew and Scoob

Your story kept me ingaged throughout. I kept wanting to know, "what next."

I like twisty movies and screenwriting.

Bert makes a great point right off the bat. Your opening line almost made me stop and drop the reading of your script. If I were a Hollywood type I am sure it would have been dropped right away. Be decisive with your descriptions.

Overall, you both have great potential and look forward to reading more from you guys.

Spencer

Read: Open Casket


I got nothing.  
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Scoob
Posted: September 14th, 2005, 1:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Spencer,
Glad you took the time to read the script and glad you enjoyed it.

You're right (and Bert) about the description mistakes and as it was me that did it, I'll try and improve on this for the future.

Thanks for you're comment.



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Antemasque
Posted: September 16th, 2005, 2:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Spencer.
I already fixed it and many more things that will be in the next draft.

I'm glad you enjoyed and thanks again for taking the time to read it.  
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Oney.Mendoza
Posted: September 18th, 2005, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew & Scoob,

I was completely drawn into the story and I liked it. But, I am a little confused on a couple of things; what was the worm supposed to represent? The village also, was it supposed to represent Constantine's "abanondment" in this mind? You guys had some pretty cool sequences; the cave and the escape from the boathouse.

Dialogue needs to be tweaked a little and maybe more development with Constantine, maybe Ken or Jay could ask *him* how he found himself on the island or something?

Overall, not bad, it was a quick read. Good job.

-ONEY


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Antemasque
Posted: September 18th, 2005, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS
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The whole worm creature and island were to represent Constatine 'loosing it' in his mind.

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END OF SPOILERS


Thank you for checking it out. The next draft i will extend/fix with more then 20 pages added. I will have more detail on all this later on.

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Antemasque  -  September 18th, 2005, 3:40pm
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Martin
Posted: September 20th, 2005, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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Alright fellas. I had a read of this today and, overall, it's impressive stuff. It's certainly original too. I remember when this idea was first mentioned on a WIP thread and it seems to have evolved a great deal since the original premise was posted.

MAJOR SPOILERS BELOW






I made some notes as I read. Apologies if I'm repeating what others have said. Some of it is picky but only because the majority of the script is very good.


Introduce characters in CAPS

I'd like some character descriptions so I can visualize your characters. I keep picturing Keanu Reeves as Constantine purely because of his name. We need clear, concise descriptions.

Again, you deal with killing the family very quickly. There's no suspense but there is a lot of potential for it. I'd suggest drawing this out a few more pages, give us some build-up.

The courtroom scene is very good. A minor note at the end. The judge shouting seemed odd because it was in caps, like he was losing control. Then you have "He is drug away"- this should be 'dragged'.

The hole in Constantine's cell is a little weird. Wouldn't they notice a big hole in the floor and a hammer under his mattress? This place would be maximum security. I'll suspend my disbelief for now though. Edit- having finished the script I can hardly pick you up on believability issues.

Early flashbacks are working well- short and to the point. Good stuff.

"The unknown man lights a cigar, the smoke illuminating his facial features." again, we need a brief description of what he looks like, how old he is etc.

If Kane gave them blanks, the gun would still fire and make a sound... At least I think so, anyway.

The action sequence with the police and the yacht is very well written. So far, the pace of the piece as a whole is very quick with few wasted words.

Just a minor point: When Constantine arrives at the island and enters the cave you could tighten up the description a little. It reads like �Constantine does this, Constantine does that etc.� We know it is Constantine so it would read quicker if you refer to him as �he�. Sentence fragments are fine as well.

Constantine enters the village- some awkward wording here: �the village is made up of huts made up out of trees and straw�

It should be �rain-soaked� not �rain soaked�

You�ve built up some great suspense in the village scene- this is the kind of suspense I�d like to see at the beginning before his family is killed.

Wasn�t expecting the worm. Things are getting interesting.

Continuity: �JAY: Oh I'm sure it don't. Constantine. Didn't you say the village you saw was destroyed?� � actually he didn�t say it was destroyed, he said there was nothing there. Edit- again, having finished it, this probably isn't an issue.

Ken seems to admit to having �killed some people� a little too easily.

When they are asleep and the thumping starts, I�m pretty sure they would know what it was right away. The dialogue is unnecessary.

The ending opens up a whole can of worms about what this all means. It leaves a lot of questions which I think is a good thing. We still don't really know why Constantine killed his family which left me a little dissatisfied, but, on the whole, I think the ending is effective. It's the kind of ending I like- with more questions than answers.

I think the strength of this script is the pacing and the way the action is described. The best scenes for me were the shootout in the safehouse/yacht and the scene where Constantine enters the village. I also liked the dialogue between Constantine and the voice in his head towards the end.

Overall, an enjoyable and original script.




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Antemasque
Posted: September 20th, 2005, 9:36am Report to Moderator
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Thank you very much for your review and most of the stuff you posted i alrady fixed. The beginning is extending longer and all.

If you read the WIP thing for this youll see i got really mad at one point. When i was writing the scene with the voices in his head my computer went gay and shut down. I had 10 dramatic and thrilling pages of all of this.

The voices scene you are reading is no where near as good as it used to be. I am going to try and extend that scene again.

Thanks again  
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Scoob
Posted: September 20th, 2005, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review Der Spieler, much appreciated.

You made some good points, particularly about the blank gun!

Hopefully the next draft will pick up on the points you have made and will smoothen a few things out.

Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for reading.



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Antemasque
Posted: September 22nd, 2005, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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The second draft should be out sometime in November.
Im glad you all enjoy this so far.
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