Hey Jay,

I finally got around to finishing this.

When I said it felt like a first draft, I wasn't criticizing. It's obvious you've put a lot of time and effort into this. The reason I said that is because the script feels like it needs to be streamlined..

There is a lot of good stuff in there. Some strong dialogue and some great ideas. I really liked the CSU stalking them through the streets, for example. And the concept of America being invaded is an interesting one.

The main problem (i think) is that you have a lot of lengthy dialogue scenes and lengthy descriptions that slow the reader down. If a script doesn't read quickly and maintain interest, a producer is likely to stop reading.

Which is why, in all honesty, I don't think you're ready to query this just yet. I'd suggest a thorough rewrite to really tighten it up. Strip your story down to what's important and cut out the fluff.

One thing that could improve this script is a clear protagonist. You have a bunch of characters but I wasn't really rooting for any of them, except maybe Harris.

Some of your action descriptions are excellent and your dialogue is good, but overly verbose at times.

As far as concept goes, I think you picked something way too ambitious for a first script. You write your action well, but sometimes the characters get lost amid the plot. I think your rewrite should focus much more on the characters and their individual arcs.

I made a few notes along the way:

Pg 99-100, Good couple of scenes with Harris. A nice punchline "there's no-one left to tell"

pg 105 - your dialogue format is a bit messed up here.

The scene with Murphy and the Saudi soldier seemed a bit extreme and a tad cliched. It definitely changed my opinion of Murphy's character and not in a good way.

Pg 113: I'd have thought Harris would know that sarin is odorless and invisible. Perhaps you could turn this exchange around and have someone ask Harris.

120 - good dialogue between Murphy and Jack. I'm still unsure about Murphy's character after he executed that soldier though.

pg 121- you have three dialogues from Jack in a row. You could do it like this instead "Hello... where?... one second"

Harris' speech is probably the longest I've ever seen in a screenplay. It's like 3 pages! You gotta trim that down.


Overall, this is a solid first script and you've shown you have talent as a writer, but there is room for improvement. You have the foundation of a good script.

Apologies for the delay in writing this review. I hope it helps in some way.

Dr. Mabuse

Thank you very much for your time...your ideas and suggestions will be taken and put to good use.  

I've been working on shortening the dialogue (it's a common complaint), consider it done.  

As to the the lengthy description I'm going to have to read an action script to see how it's supposed to be done I'm thinking about "The Rock" any other suggestions??

I see what your saying about the protagonist but alas I don't know where to begin...i.e. I am unsure how I could improve that element of it??

"I think your rewrite should focus much more on the characters and their individual arcs."  I looked up arcs, but it's not in the dictionary, I'm hoping it means character depth, but I wanna verify?

Also re: character depth I'm going to add more elements to the characters let me know if you have a reaction to any of the following?

Murphy: badass, add elements of womanizer chauvanist
Cindy: strong, slightly feminist, intelligent
Jack:  more of a wuss at first but gets stronger through interaction with Murphy, comedic relief

Scene: Murph and Saudi soldier is getting mixed reviews, I agree it is extreme I'm wondering what about it you found cliche?  I'm thinking I missed a movie lately that did something similar or I copied something subconsciously...please do not take this as being argumentative, I truly believe if I can understand how it is cliche I can cut it or fix etc.

Lastly you said you didnt know about the tone, what's the final decision?

Also you said it's not an action comedy, and I agree, so I'm thinking it's plan old action, is that right?  

I won't respond to every suggestions, but I understood them and have implemented them.  thanks for you patience.

thanks

Jaykur

Quoted from Jaykur22 As to the the lengthy description I'm going to have to read an action script to see how it's supposed to be done I'm thinking about "The Rock" any other suggestions??

Check out 'Die Hard' or 'Lethal Weapon'. I'm no action buff, but these are both great action scripts. If you have a few dollars spare, buy W.C. Martell's 'The Secrets of Action Screenwriting' - this is a fantastic book about writing action scripts and individual action scenes. I don't write action scripts, but this book has helped me immensely.

Quoted from Jaykur22 I see what your saying about the protagonist but alas I don't know where to begin...i.e. I am unsure how I could improve that element of it??

Hmmm. It's easier to find the problems than to fix them. I think Harris turned out pretty well, Jack and Cindy, I'm not so sure. I have conflicting views about Murphy. Basically, I think you focus on too many characters. Jack and Cindy could almost be the same person given the purpose they serve. I dunno.

Quoted from Jaykur22 "I think your rewrite should focus much more on the characters and their individual arcs."  I looked up arcs, but it's not in the dictionary, I'm hoping it means character depth, but I wanna verify?

Basically, it's how your characters change during the course of the story. You already have this to an extent. Murphy is a good example. He realizes the futility of it all, his dialogue towards the end suggests his character has grown, or at least that he's accepted what he is. I think you could work on Jack. Make him weaker and more naive at the start, have him develop into a stronger character at the end. The basis of this is already there.

Quoted from Jaykur22 Murphy: badass, add elements of womanizer chauvanist Cindy: strong, slightly feminist, intelligent Jack:  more of a wuss at first but gets stronger through interaction with Murphy, comedic relief

Firstly, I think you could make Murphy more sympathetic. Sure, he's a badass, but maybe you could give him a softer side. Perhaps something he reveals to Cindy when Jack's not around.

Quoted from Jaykur22 Scene: Murph and Saudi soldier is getting mixed reviews, I agree it is extreme I'm wondering what about it you found cliche?

Okay, it's not exactly cliche, but it's definitely familiar. As soon as he asked about his family, I was reminded of countless other action flicks. That said, you put a spin on it when he killed the other guy. However, this is the action of a bad guy whereas Murphy is one of your protagonists. Maybe that's where the confusion lies. He may be badass, but don't make him too bad or we won't care if he lives or dies.

Quoted from Jaykur22 Also you said it's not an action comedy, and I agree, so I'm thinking it's plan old action, is that right?

I'd say it's an action movie with elements of a political thriller. There is a lot of political stuff in there. It's not a mindless action romp like Rambo. There is an intelligent story there.

Anyway, take what I say with a pinch of salt because I'm no expert. It's always easier to be a critic than a writer.

You respond well to the criticism and it's a good attitude to have. Take what you think is useful and discard the rest. At the end of the day, it's your story.

I think the scenes with the CSU have a great deal of potential.  You can really play on the suspense here. I'd keep rewriting these scenes until you get the most bang for your buck. Reversals and rug pulls can help you improve your action scenes. WC Martell's book explains these concepts in greater detail.

Here's a quick quote from Shane Black that illustrates the technique:

"It's like a good news, bad news joke. The bad news is, you get thrown out of an airplane. The good news is, you have a parachute. The bad news is, the ripcord breaks. The good news is, you have a backup chute. The bad news is, you can't reach the cord. And so on until your character hits the ground. He's gonna die... no, he's not... yes, he is. Reversal, reversal, reversal."

This is some of the best advice I've heard about writing action scenes. It's like one cliffhanger after another.

Good luck with the rewrite.

Thanks pal I appreciate your thoughtful responses...great idea with Murphy revealing something to Cindy...

thanks

Hey Jay,

I cracked this open this morning and my first two impressions were that A) you've clearly thought alot about this story and how it's going to work and B) you need to correct all the grammar.

I'm sorry that I don't have time to read it now but I will finish it in the next couple days and let you know what I think.

By the way, The Rock is one of my favorite films of all time, but I think Martin is right...check out Lethal Weapon or Die Hard, older action scripts for learning purposes.  I recommend anything by Steven De Souza...except Street Fighter.

Heretic

thanks for the read...if I can return the favor just lemme know what you'd like me to read...If you end up waiting a few days I uploaded a new version of the script (6 days ago) ...in it I overhauled the dialogue and action scenes.  I shortened the narration...basically took people's advice as best I could. So any feedback you give will certainly be put to good use.  

Re: the grammar sadly I struggle with it, if you see something I have a tendency of doing please let me know...it'll help me know what I need to look for.  

lastly if I lose you please even if you hate it...lemme know when you lost interest it will help me improve...

A fellow the Rock Fan-Great...thanks for the heads up...I'll check out Souza...

I'm resuming at the point where we've just met Cindy.  I don't have a problem with much at the beginning, but I will say that you should leave the technical stuff out.  As a spec script, this is a hard sell in the first place because of the budget, so it has to be totally tuned to a quick, easy, and undemanding read for a producer.  If that's the direction you want to go, at least.

Page 9:  I think Harris' lecture jumps around a little bit too much.  Since those are very big and fairly seperate ideas, it seems like exposition.  Also, I don't think he fully carries through the fire/lawn-mowing/factory thing.  He needs to make it clearer that there is no satisfaction without a finished product.

Page 10:  I think "Mother Nature is cruel" would suffice.  He is a teacher, after all.

Page 13:  Starting to overdo those all caps words.  Also, you may be starting to overdo the time jumps.  I'd rather see time jumps progressing consistently towards the opening scene.  This makes an easier parallel to the slow but steady downfall of an empire.  Besides, the 2020 mob scene is more of a natural climax to the time jumps.
If you're going to mention what they're wearing, do it right away, as soon as you mention their names.  Personally, I'd describe their physical attributes instead.
"This is awkward"...pet peeve for me, but this line always makes me think of some Ryan Reynolds/Seann William Scott type terrible comedy.  I'd lose it.

Page 14:  Why are we so concerned with what people are wearing?  I would mention it as little as possible unless it has specific relevance to the action.
"...helicopter can be lands..."

Page 16: Who is Jack, and why does he know that there's a subway three blocks from the White House?  Heh heh I know who Jack is...he's Nic Cage and Murphy's Sean Connery.
I think that there should be much more buildup to the first CSU sighting.  Let them run through the streets for a while with the sounds getting closer and closer.  Then give the CSU a better reveal...let it crash through a wall right on top of them and force them to scatter in two directions, or something.  More theatrical.  But definitely I think this requires more suspenseful buildup.

Page 17:  In keeping with Jack's character, I think Murphy should have to yell at Jack before Jack helps him with the newspaper dispenser.

Page 18:  You just told us in the description what the black tar does...it's paralysis serum.  Can't do that.
Oh...Cindy knows about the paralysis.  But noone told her!

Page 19:  Watch your cultural references...will MacGyver really be a household name in 2020?
Where is the CSU right now?
Just a logic note...so the paralysis serum wouldn't work at all on a rainy day?  Sorta poor design...

Page 20:  We're looking like a Monty Python sketch here.  I'd let Cindy keep her pants.

Page 21:  That's a pretty abrupt finish to the scene.  I'd give them a couple lines or something...maybe Murphy could comment on Cindy's unclad state and she could glare at him...something to bring the audience's pulse down a little before we cut to Harris.  This will make him seem a little less out of the blue by cutting down the contrast from this huge action scene to a man at his computer...unless, again, that's the effect you wanted.

I apologize ahead of time, but I like to have a dialogue with those who read my stuff and vice versa...I do the same when I review, I'm probably too thorough so pleas feel free to let me know if you'd like me to check somethng of yours out.  

Quoted Text but I will say that you should leave the technical stuff out.  As a spec script, this is a hard sell in the first place because of the budget, so it has to be totally tuned to a quick, easy, and undemanding read for a producer.[quote]

I see where your coming from...question: are insterts and "freeze on" considered direction ?  Or were you referring more to the scene where I saw we see a lot, and the woman gets trampled etc?

Quoted Text Page 9:  I think Harris' lecture jumps around a little bit too much.  Since those are very big and fairly seperate ideas, it seems like exposition.

I agree.  I'm considering skipping the part on human adaptation and jumping righ tinto who was Marx...

However I'm a bit stuck...let me explain...Originially I had a fairly long classroom scene where Harris talks for a good amount of time.  I had some friends/family read it and they felt it was just too long, which they had a valid point.  Maybe you can help: my goal as you probably could figure out was to explain Marxist principles in 5 minutes or less...in a way that didn't associate Marxism with the negative communist propaganda that it is so often associated with in the United States.  Basically setting up an explanation for what the audience just saw...I don't know if I accomplished that goal...any htoughts?

Also though I'm surprised you felt I didn't carry the fire/lawn mower bit through enough, upon rereading I'm considering embellishing on your line: there is no satisfaction without a finished product.  Going to have to play around wiht it.

Page 10: you're right it is entirely inappropriate...but I just love it too much...

Quoted Text Page 13:  Starting to overdo those all caps words.

-is this in reference to the "metallic grinding" should I only do it in caps once...or am I missing caps elsewhere?

Quoted Text so, you may be starting to overdo the time jumps.  I'd rather see time jumps progressing consistently towards the opening scene.

-Let me know what you think about this at the end...I think I take it in a different direction then you may be anticipating...

Quoted Text Page 16: Who is Jack, and why does he know that there's a subway three blocks from the White House?  Heh heh I know who Jack is...he's Nic Cage and Murphy's Sean Connery.

  

Haha...that obvious...shoot, re: Jack that's a good catch on your part...I will have to explain how he knows...thanks  I've alway pictured him with a Palm device in his hand, guess I should've written it in.

Quoted Text I think that there should be much more buildup to the first CSU sighting.  Let them run through the streets for a while with the sounds getting closer and closer.  Then give the CSU a better reveal...let it crash through a wall right on top of them and force them to scatter in two directions, or something.  More theatrical.  But definitely I think this requires more suspenseful buildup.

-Awesome idea...will definitely use it, I see what you mean now that you mention it...it's not so grea all we'd see is this slow tank coming at us...reminiscent of Austin Powers when the guy is about to get crush by the cement roller.  Point taken.

Quoted Text Page 17:  In keeping with Jack's character, I think Murphy should have to yell at Jack before Jack helps him with the newspaper dispenser.

-again i like it...you really get Jack, I wish I'd thought of it originally...thanks

Quoted Text Page 18:  You just told us in the description what the black tar does...it's paralysis serum.  Can't do that. Oh...Cindy knows about the paralysis.  But noone told her!

-I'm unaware of the description issue...is it something related to only write what audience sees...if you don't mind could you explain for me...I'd like to fix it, I honestly am unsure what it is I did wrong.  (thanks in advance), re: Cindy=good point..

Quoted Text Where is the CSU right now? Just a logic note...so the paralysis serum wouldn't work at all on a rainy day?  Sorta poor design...

-CSU was behind them...but with the new idea: crashing through wall or something like that the whole scen will change, so I'll fix that issue in the rewrite...as to logic point, I'm stuck...it may just be one of htose things I hope the audience can just accept/get over...Ive struggled with the concept...ideas are more then welcome.  I also thought prob won't matter cause the actions scenes if the script ever gets picked up would get totally reworked anyways..

Quoted Text Page 21:  That's a pretty abrupt finish to the scene.  I'd give them a couple lines or something...maybe Murphy could comment on Cindy's unclad state and she could glare at him...something to bring the audience's pulse down a little before we cut to Harris.  This will make him seem a little less out of the blue by cutting down the contrast from this huge action scene to a man at his computer...unless, again, that's the effect you wanted.

-to be honest that was kinda what I was going for...big adrenaline scene then no real relief...I sometimes find it a little cliche when every action movie always let's you down nice and easy...I wanted the audience to be like...stop...what happened...do they live?? where's Jack?  Maybe I didn't pull it off...any thoughts?

Again thanks for the feedback...I do hope you continue reading I do like your ideas, they will be used.

Jaykur

Inserts and freeze on's would be fine, I imagine...you might consider asking about that in screenwriting discussion if it returns.

Re: All caps...it wasn't a reference to the metallic grinding...I don't recall what it was but it was words in the action description.  I'll look through again and get back to you.

Re: Paralysis serum...the description issue is just that you told us what it was in the description before Murphy tells Jack and Cindy through dialogue.  You're only supposed to describe things that we can see visually on screen, and the fact that this is a, specifically, paralysis serum, is something that we can't see.  Reading over it, it just looks like you forgot to have Murphy say it right out, since Cindy knows.

Re: Abrupt finsh...you know, I debated about whether to comment on the abrupt ending, because I thought that might be what you were going for.  If that's what you intended, I think it works fine.

I'm looking forward to reading more of this, but I'm really REALLY bogged down at the moment.

If you have time, my action script Marigold has just been posted in the action section.  It's an odd one, I'll warn you.

The description is intriguing but it isn't what the story really is about. I mean the other nation's aren't so attacking for the majority. It should more surrond Cindy, Murphy and the other leads. Also, it is more of a fight to survive story in my opinion. It is good but it isn't what the majority is about.

thanks for the reply rymatt I'll keep it in mind...when I rewrite the logline.

Heretic...thanks for getting back to me...I'll make those changes...I'll check out Marigold.

Jaykur

And we're off!

Page 21:  You mention blueprints on his desk.  It might be nice to know what they're blueprints of, if they're at all relevant (which I suspect they may be).

Page 22:  I really don't think this is a good place for a metaphor.  The President should just give it to him straight.
Now that I see what Harris was studying, why does he have blueprints?  

Page 25:  "So basically all the really horrible parts of Marx's Manifesto?"  I don't like it.  The President is coming across as fairly dumb and this just makes him sound dumber...plus, why would he think of Marx, of all things?  It sounds like sloppy writing since you have already mentioned Marx in a different situation.  

Page 26:  Harris doesn't need to describe the laptop and where it will be kept.  He doesn't handle, or think about, security.

Page 28:  Now would be the time to describe WHY Harris wants them, specifically.
No reaction to the information that they've been watched for months?
The whole scene's too quick.  If someone pitched that job to me that way, I'd tell them to f*** off.

Page 31:  Ahh, here's the "why us".  It should be in that conversation on page 28.
"I'd love to say you're brilliant and special..."  To me, he then proclaims them to be pretty much that.  Brilliant, because they're intelligent, and special, because he can trust them.

Page 33:  The Admiral puts his hand on the President's shoulder?  No.  Don't touch the President.

Page 34:  I don't mean to nitpick, but Murphy doesn't have any pants to unzip.
This isn't the time for playful sexual banter.  We have to really get to know them, now now now.  You've gotta cram a lot of reasons for character sympathy into these pages.  Don't have Murphy be too much of a dick, unless his acting that way pulls Jack and Cindy together.  We really need to know them.
I wouldn't used the phrase "big black load".
That closet of clothes is a little too convenient.  What if they found some dead bodies?  That could make for a nice scene which would be perfect for creating character sympathy.  Jack could react negatively, Murphy could say something like, "I've seen enough of that to ignore it" and look off into the distance like Alec Guiness.

Page 35:  Is it just me or is Jack's line pretty much right out of Jurassic Park?  All we need is Cindy saying, "Machine destroys man...woman inherits the earth."

I'm noticing that one of the grammatical things that you do alot is forget to use commas.

Page 38:  There is noone in the world that would embark on a philisophical conversation at this point.

Page 39:  "No!  The CSU is programmed to react with equal violence.  Let's keep it that way."  Keep it what way?  What he means is, don't provoke it.  

Page 40:  The Jack/Murphy exchange is just too goofy here.  Now's not the time.  Murphy's "Stop being a bitch" line is not in character, by the way.

And I'm off to work!  Can't wait to read more.

Heretic...thanks again...

"don't touch the presdient." -haha...point taken.

25: =sloppy writing...gotta work on it.  I don't have a lot of formal writing training, so this kind of comment is very helpful.  

Re: pg 34 and getting to know the characters...this has been an aspect people have recently pointed out on simply scripts here...they've said the character depth is lacking...I've tried to add it in but maybe I just did it too late/not enough.  Not sure?  I did take your idea on the bodies' clothes, I definitely was able to use Jack's weakness to create a funny moment for his character, (he wraps a plastic bag around his hands to take the corpses clothes off) ...cool idea again, wish i thought of it, in the beginning.  (i only hope my suggestions for Marigold are half as helpful as you've been)

Jurassic Park: yeah...guilty as charged..I'd just watched the movie and wanted to work Malcolm's character in somehow kinda like an homage...but it just came across as a rip off...I changed it...thanks for keeping me honest

grammar: if you see it...just one example of how I'm forgetting comas would be really helpful.  thanks

re: 40 confused on what's goofy?  Where Jack calls Murphy a meathead?

So far I find myself agreeing with a lot of your suggestions...the only one I really disagreed with so far is the slap...but that's just cause i think it be funny, sadly your probably right...I just can't get rid of it.  Oh and the part where Jack's teeth smack (though I did remove Murphy from the scene-seemed wierdly inappropriate)...again for similar reasons.  The reason I mention this is I wonder what demographic this could be for?  I'm thinking 15-25 males...would it work for a wider base, any thoughts?  

Thanks for the detailed review...I feel you've elevated my writing, truly, thank you.  

Now to start Marigold.  

Re:  Characer depth...I can't stress this enough: buy some screenwriting books.  I really suggest Lew Hunter and Syd Field.  They'll bring up things that you'll realize were always in your consciousness, just not quite there enough to think about while writing.

Re:  Jurassic Park.  No problem!  I love homages.  There are many in my writing.  I was just pointing it out.  I think it's a good choice, and I'd leave it in.

Re:  The slap.  I don't have a problem with the slap.  The slap's good.  I have a problem with Jack's line.

More!

Page 41:  Effect/s, not affect/s.

Page 42:  He throws Murphy over his shoulder?  No.  I don't think so.  He needs to carry him a different way.

Page 44:  One thing that's been bugging me but that I haven't mentioned until now is that you should describe someone every time we see them in a different time.  Say Harris looks older, or Cindy looks younger, or something about their faces now being timeworn...something to give us a change, because there sure would be on film.
So uh...Harris was just sitting around in a sub, huh?  Might want to allude to this being some sort of meeting point, rather than just leaving it assumed.

Page 45:  How is the cross feminine?
Here's the best character moment of the script so far, by the way.

Page 47:  Small thing:  "The case is now on a shelf..."  Don't let objects move without description and then mention where they are now.  Say that someone puts it on the shelf.

Page 48:  Jack calls Murphy "Murph".  Is that a typo or intentional?  I don't think they're on a nickname basis at this point.  

I'm gonna go off on a tangent here.  The main reason that your characters don't work well is that we don't know enough about them.  Every line, every little action, should be perfectly in a character, and it's not.  Once I've read this much of a script, I should know exactly how each person would react to a given situation.  I have no idea for any of them at this point.  What I would do is write up a really detailed past for each character...really get to know them like they were your best friend.  They should be almost a living entity, and when you throw a situation at them, you know them so well that it's like you're just copying down how they react, because you know there's only one way they would react.  If you can really feel your characters' fears, joys, and hopes, then the audience will too.  I wanna know them inside out.  I want to be able to make guesses about what Cindy's parents and childhood were like.

The second thing here is that you haven't really given them much reason to like each other.  Sure, they've all helped each other, but it's almost been out of necessity.  I would give them a gettin'-to-know-you early on in the script so that they really are drawn together.  You have the situations there, danger that should bring them together, but it's not quite there.  I'd up the danger stakes on them a bit so that they really have to band together, work together, and learn to trust each other.

"SUPER AWKWARD SILENCE"...don't say super.  In fact, don't write it like this.  Description would suffice..."There is an intense awkward silence."
Jack's a nice guy.  He would say "I'm sorry."  Murphy wouldn't know how to respond to this, and that's when Cindy would jump in.

Page 49:  INT. RAILBIKE ROOM would suffice, I'm sure.
Does Zedong not even question the fact that Harris is just some random teacher?  

Time for another tangent.

I don't think anyone in this script questions anything enough.  A huge crisis like this would leave 99% of the population scared and confused with no idea what to do.  Everything seems so matter of fact with Harris, Cindy, and Jack, and that just doesn't seem believeable.  I think that all you need is once scene where somebody...even two of them...just break down.  Then another tells them to pull together and remember the procedures they've planned.  I think you suffer from Sum of all Fears-itis...a nuclear bomb explodes and nobody bats an eye.  If your protagonists are more scared and less sure of themselves they will subsequently seem more human to the audience and more appealing as central characters.  Take a serious look at how much happened in the short time since they got on the sub with Harris, and then think about how you'd feel having to deal with even one of those things.

Page 53:  "They are all dirty and have hiked there."  We have no way of seeing that they have hiked there, so you can't say it.

Page 54:  Give the son and daughter names and descriptions.  You'd be amazed at how much a simple description of each person helps your script.

Page 55:  Give the man and woman names and descriptions.
Give the man a name and description.  I assume all these people will become important later in the script.

Page 58:  I'd cut Stew's quote.  Too many quotes from too many different people...and quotes are something that get old fast.  Although you know what I'd really love to see someone say?  "The treaty of liberty must be refreshed from time to time..."  Hee hee.

Page 59:  "Not to be rude..."  That's just not good diplomacy.  Harris would be the best.  Make him the best.

Page 60:  An EMP...dart?  How does that work?  Speaking of which, why doesn't it work?
"Make sure you get the bike..."  This is something I've noticed a bit.  You try to fit big chunks of dialogue into action sequences.  If a helicopter is strafing you, you don't have time to say things like that.  Besides, for this one specifically...I'm sure Jack knows.

Page 61:  Oh, I see why it doesn't work.  But that's just stupid.  Noone would engineer it that way...great writing here though, by the way.  Still...gotta change it...it's too much of a stretch.

I'm off to bed.  Might not be able to get more tomorrow but I'll get to it soon.