Trying to get used to reading feature-lengths again. I haven't in some time. I think since I read Underneath, your work has slowly been growing on me so I decided to check this out. It appears I've read everything you've written as of now. Cool! Anyway, on with the review...

pg. 2 - "Cya on Sunday." I don't think this AIM-esque lingo really works in a screenplay. Not a big issue, really, but I'd change it if I were you. It's your call.

- I’m starting to think Christine and Frankie are a little too close for brother and sister. In particular, I thought the kissing of the head was a little much. Along with monitering his movie rentals and scolding him for swearing and drinking out of the milk carton, it feels like she's trying to be his mom rather than his sister. I know they're supposed to be close but I think you could tone it down just a little.

pg. 36 – The begining of this bathroom scene may be more descriptive than necessary. And you use the word TINKLE! Ha! Anyway, you could just start with her pulling up her skirt than move on to the blood stuff. No one really needs to see her actually go to the bathroom. In any case, I thought the blood in the toilet was creepy, even without the supernatural stuff. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought she had cancer.

Top of 67 – You use the word “whole.” I think you mean hole.

Also 67 – "Bo buts." You mean "NO buts."

- This twist is a little weak. I mean it's a good one but it could have been a lot stronger. For starters, there's no mention of Andrew earlier on in the script nor any hints that Mrs. Meyers is a little nutty. I think if you had some more of that in the begining, the twist would have worked better.

- Speaking of Mrs. Meyers, take it easy with the homages. You want this to be your own thing, don't you?

Anyway, this was a decent read. It was essentially a stereotypical slasher flick, complete with the wholesome virgin heroes, party animal sidekicks, and incompetent parents. There's really not much room to grow when you use this time of formula. However you made an attempt, which is honorable, and really enriched what could have been a droll storyline. First off, you added some supernatural elements to the slasher formula. This was a very good idea, I think, since both formulas function on different elements. The supernatural has the atmosphere and suspense while the slasher has the shock value. The two work well together.

You also had some relatively decent character development between Christine, Frankie, and Stevie. I really liked that all of them had experienced the untimely deaths of family members. It brought the characters together nicely and added an emotional punch to what is often an emotionally devoid subgenre. I would have liked to have seen more of this. Not saying your lacking, just a matter of personal preference.

Anyway, pretty decent script you got here, Jordan. I think you've done better but for a slasher, this isn't bad at all. Good job!

Thanks for the read James

This was the very first feature length script that I had ever finished, I kinda wanted to do the usual Hack'N'Slash, but I also thought it would be cool to add a ghost story into the mix.

There are some changes that I have to make so that this works a bit better, I know throwing Andrew in the end is Kinda confusing, I did have him make an appearance earlier, but that made it even more confusing.  

anyway, thanks for the comments

I enjoyed Underneath, and been meaning to check this one out, so I finally did, and I thought it was really really good. I didn't know quite what to expect as I knew it was a slasher, but I really think you took the slasher flick up a notch with this one. Aside from the following, which is basically just grammar problem stuff. and I didn't read earlier reviews, so...sorry for repeats.

Right off saying Christine's House, I think you should just say 'HOUSE' plainly before you have the chance to give the character a proper introduction.

Names have to go... Myers, Christine, crystal strode etc. It's distracting from the story as you then start to think of those other movies as you read them.

typo pg.10 - tap runs "t" the kitchen sink.

top pg 15 - "he I gotta look after frankie"

pg 17 - Stevie - your a sick bastard, should be "YOU'RE" a sick bastard.

Did I miss something? You said on pg 20 that Stevie sat down where "megan" was.

typo bottom pg 25 - Frankie "grads" a bag of chips.

typo pg 26 - head cheerleader says, we'd do "mare" damage than good.

pg 28 - Jacob - Damn your in a mood today, should be YOU'RE in a mood today.

I think you should use another phrase than more pussy than a toilet seat.

bottom pg 29 "now way" should be "no way"

pg 31, you say there is a picture of "the woman". I think this should be either "a" woman, or "their mother", and you should describe her and the picture a little.

typo, halfway down pg 33, (THE) head back into the kitchen.

pg 34, you said Frankie puts his neck, should be lips

pg 35 again, your should be You're

pg 36 - sit should be zit

pg 38 - Nicole THROWS her bag.

pg 41, and 45 Frankie is spelled Franke

typo top pg 63 -" Does that girls die". and "if I haver nightmares"

pg 65 you wrote, "glass falls out of the ground"

[g 66 - "the stranger dressed in a black"

I think just the window shoulld be broke, instead of the blood.

pg 67 - Nicole says if Christine doesn't say yes, she'll "be" her ass? I think you mean beat, as I don't believe anybody would like to be anyone's anus. Or maybe I'm just making assumptions on behalf of myself.

pg 67 "bo buts" NO buts.

top pg 71 - slat shaker.

pg 74 - Christine - Sometimes I "fell" this emptiness inside.

pg 78 - She pulled down "he" pajama bottoms

pg 80 - hands the pipe 'ti" alexis

bottompg 90 - "la" time I saw Stevie.

pg 95 - The "tow" get out of the car

pg 98 - Christine - "Get the out of here"

top pg 102 - she backs up with his, should be with HIM

pg 105 - "He" body drops to the ground should be HER

That's a lotta typos though. I remember Underneath had a lot too. You might wanna watch that, and maybe proofread a little more before submitting. A typo every once in a while is okay, but one almost every page is kinda ridiculous.

I also didn't care much for the ending, the last ten to fifteen pages or so. I kinda hated to see Stevie go. I also thought it was gonna be more of a psychological brand of suspense, as they where in the basement, and heard the banging and the footsteps and what not, I expected more of a kindof standoff in the basement. other than just an all out gore fest. Which is fine, it sufficed, but I was kinda expecting something more than just heads getting torn apart by shovels. I don't think it lived up to the rest of the screenplay. Maybe more survivors too, as your superb character development allows us to get attached to some of these characters who died. Particularly Stevie, and Madison. And the mirror breaking killing Mrs. Myers at the end, I didn't like. That arises the question, why she just didn't break it before and kill the guy??? I think it's fine if they see her in the mirror, but think that maybe Frankie should pick up the knife and kill her or something more like that, and keep it in the mortal realm.

Other than those things I thought it was great. Your dialogue is just fucking phenominal in this, through the whole thing. I kept expecting for this to lose it's momentum, but it never did. I couldn't believe that dialogue this good could be as consistent as it was throughout the whole thing.  I like how Christine was like a mother for Frankie. I thought the scene where Frankie gave away his sister was quite charming. I thought Mrs. B was so outragiously ridiculous. Stevie's story of his brother. The condoms scene was funny, both in the store and the sex scene. The dialogue is so real and witty at the same time, and kinda puts a new spin on the slasher genre.  Really tremendous, tremendous Job!

Thanks for your comments.

I have already made some of the suggestions you gave, some were the same as Breanne.

I am trying to figure out a different ending.  I don't think I want Frankie to kill anyone, but maybe Christine, that could work.

thank you again for the read and comments, they will help me with re-writing this

I think I never read a feature length by you, flying boy, so I just took a look at this one. And I’ll tell you this first, it has some strengths.

Lots of teen characters and I didn’t have problems in telling one from another; this rarely happens to me when reading scripts of this kind. Your characterization is definitely above average.

Someone mentioned you’re 18? Wow. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it’s fair to give you some extra credit. You keep working on your craft and some years from now you’ll be wiping the floor with all of the veteran's simplyasses.

There are some aspects that could be improved; I’m going to focus more on these in order to offer (hopefully) some feedback for further rewrites (if you plan any).

*SPOILERS*

It’s always better to open your scripts with a bang. Specially a plot-driven hack n’ slash thriller. Frankie’s first scene in his bedroom with someone watching him from the closet, would be a good opening scene. Much stronger than Christine saying goodbye to her parents. We could pretend Frankie went to bed before his parents left in order to start the script with his scene.

And, as it has been mentioned, it would be better if you loose the “it was a dream” payoff. Try to rearrange this scene in order to make it more real, like the “vision” Christine has at the bathroom some pages later.

There are two quite different aspects in this story. During some scenes, you work on a creepy/supernatural angle (stranger’s pov, breezes, creaks, bloody visions, etc). And on the other hand you make the reader experience a day in the life of a teenager (making a party when the parents are gone, checking some asses, jokes about sexing, girls making some drinks, etc).

The problem is that (for the most part) both aspects are disjointed from each other. It’s almost like intercuting between two different movies. You’ve got a hook (strange things happening in the house, someone watching Frankie and Christine) but you need to integrate this concept to the rest of your story. Let me explain:

Take a look at the Sixth Sense. There are some scenes where the kid sees dead people (creepy angle). On the other hand, there are scenes about the kid an his mom in which both characters and their relationship are developed (character angle)  But hey, both angles are linked together. The boy is afraid his mother will think he’s a creep if he tells her what he sees. The boys acts strange, and strange things happen to him. The mother notices this, worries, becomes desperate. The main concept (“I see dead people”) feeds *all* the story, not half of it.

In this script, the ghost/killer thing doesn’t affect your characters lives (at least till the hunt begins near the end). They chat about every day stuff, do what they usually do, etc. Your character’s scenes feel realistic, they are well written, but they lack conflict (for the most part).

Try to find ways in which your ghost/killer idea can screw up your character’s life in ways that none of the teens of the audience had their life screwed up. You can keep some of the realistic details, of course, but try to add an original twist to them (by the way, the Stevie/Christine subplot was decently developed and worth keeping, IMO).

The pimple/blood scene at page 36 is exactly what I’m talking about. You need more scenes like these, and less scenes like the one Christine and Frankie go to the dvd store.

(MORE)

(CONT'D)

A couple more examples to make my point clear.

Take a look at Hostel’s first act. Three guys doing drugs and bitches for quite a long part of the movie. I’d rather be doing drugs and bitches myself than seeing those three dorks doing it. Wouldn’t you? I can imagine the writer/director justifying himself by saying he “was developing the characters”. Actually he was. But the problem is that these characters have nothing special till they get to the torture chambers (which is too late).

Bruce Willis’ character in the Sixth Sense might have helped lots of kids with problems (boring), but the story is about helping one who sees dead people! Movies are “bigger than life” experiences. Half of your story is as well. The other half could be, with a little bit of work.

On a related note, I felt like your characters wondered around for the most part. They didn’t have a clear dramatic goal (until the end when they must escape).

Giving your protagonist (s) a goal helps your script to keep focused. Everything your protagonist does is related to achieving said goal. Give Christine a goal, like finding out what’s going on inside her house. In “Saw” the protagonists had to figure out how to escape Jigsaw’s trap. In “The Hill Have Eyes” that family had to fix their vehicle in order to get the hell out of there. In “Silent Hill” the protagonist had to look for her missing daughter. In “The Ring”, the protagonist must save her son’s life, etc. All of these goals are early established and fuels the protagonist actions for most of the script.

Giving a goal to the protagonist is something very common in plot-driven thrillers, and horror movies. This goal is usually life-or-death dramatic (doing a party or hooking up with Steve won’t do).

As mentioned by some other readers, it’s a bit odd that once the killer gets unmasked, we found ourselves looking at a new face. This is the part when the audience should gasp and think “So that was the bastard!”. Take a look at “Scream”.

This is kind of strange, but for some pages I though that Mrs. Bergman was going to be the killer. I thought she had decided to “educate” by herself these spoiled spawns of hell always thinking about sexing, haha.

Well, nothing more to add. Sorry I focused more on the negative, but it’s for the sake of helping. I hope some of these comments may be useful.

holy moly, now I gotta whole lot to think about

Thanks Z for the read and comments, you sure gave me a lot to think about, and I think it will come in Handy.

This is my first full length script and it is flawed, at first all I wanted was a traditional Hack'N'Slash, but over time it kinda changed, now I see from your coments and those of others that there are a few changes I could make to make this a little different.

When I have time I am going to have to pick this one apart again and see if I can make it work.

Thanks again for your comments

Quoted from The boy who could fly This is my first full length script and it is flawed

Let me add another "wow" to my review then. Pretty solid for a first full lenght script. And don't worry, 99% of first scripts are more than flawed.

Good luck with the rewrite.  

First I’d have to say take what Mr. wrote about the integration of multiple plots within the context of the Sixth Sense to heart. I think what he wrote should be forwarded to every writer on the forum.

I too will be focusing on some of the topics Mr. Z brought up. So…

I think your characters are too far to the extreme of one trait, whether Christine and Frankie whom are way to nice and disturbingly nice to another. Frankie is twelve!!! If he were seven or so then maybe but no way twelve year old is like that, too sweet. Perfect example someone mentioned before how cute the scene was between Frankie and Stevie about dating Christine, I mean sure, we already know Frankie is a super sweet, nice kid sense the opening. It’s a plane, if his character where created with more valley and peeks of sweet, annoying, smart, selfish etc… the significant that he cares about his sister and more importantly her feelings would resonate better.

These one dimension traits is an exact affect for why your characters hit the same “beats” scene after scene and has every reviewer adopting the same issues with the script “too much teen chatter”. And just cause you spend time with that character doesn’t musically mean your building character. That constitutes hitting either the same “beat” but different notes or an entirely different beat. What I mean by this is when you’ve shown audiences an aspect of the character or the plot you have to move on to showing a different aspect of the character, by going in depth with that character values, showing the contrasting differences between the characters values and the contradiction of those values within each character and in the plots case moving on to the next logical step within the plot.

The only problem with that is you never present any values, which are easier done when you have a theme or two too work around and you did, SEX!!! Not just sex, but love vs. puppy love, lust; experience vs. inexperience and all the drama and confrontation it would of created.
Example Jacob and Alexis are all “lovey-dovey” that’s only one side of a coin in a coin pouch. They never get into an argument. And the argument and differences have to be engaging to the point the audience or readers get emotionally involved. How do you do that by making them sub-consciously forming an opinion about the subject matter? Say Jacob and Alexis get into an argument about something men would consider petty and a women wouldn’t or vice-versa, after on of the two storm of what would Nicole, Christine or Stevie have to say about it and ultimately the audience member form their own opinions, so their not sitting thinking “teen chatter” and skim through or worse get up to use the bathroom while in a theatre, but are saying to their friends “I hate when guys do that” or “that is so true one time…” A secret to this I think is to make the characters as passionate about the subject matter as needed to the situation requires you don’t want your characters crying over spilled milk.

Along with theme, and weaving the story into one plot like Sixth Sense did is character problems and how the journey of going through say being haunted by ghost can help you solve this other problem. In Sixth Sense it was how Cole was unable to talk to his mom and Malcolm was his lack of appreciation for his wife. The act of Cole overcoming his fear with the ghost helps him overcome his fear of communicating with his mother. The act of helping Cole helps Malcolm realize he hasn’t been listening as close as he should have been when it came to anything really, but more particularly his wife.

What would make the story integrate better into another and help expand the theme and generate compelling characters is you give your major characters problems before the “hook” of the story comes in.
Example, have Christine who needs to shake this good girl image, give her father attitude about the step-mom. Christine values love and consider what her father is doing as a form of cheating, this creates drama before the killer even shows up, and this is her problem. Then have Stevie have just broken up with his girlfriend months prior to the opening of the story, why did they breakup he cheated on her, which doesn’t necessarily make him a bad guy, right? Christine show obvious interests in Stevie, but happens when she finds out he cheated on his last girlfriend, when know how she feels about cheating despite the fact she likes Stevie. Stevie needs away to prove a cheater is not only redeemable but a good guy at heart all along. The ordeal of the killer is the act that when its all over, Stevie whether he dies or not has proven to Christine that he was a good guy and deserved a shoot at her heart. And ultimately Christine learns how her father feels, if Stevie’s dead doesn’t mean she didn’t stop caring about him and that her father never stopped caring about her mother. And companionship is a part of human nature and people get lonely.

Another reviewer suggested the story ended to abruptly and this fixes that as well cause to show Christine has learned something she could urge her father to talk to the cute waitress when he struggles to gain the confidence to do so or maybe Christine has boyfriend but keeps a trinket of some sorts to remind her of Stevie and the rest of her friends.

Well, that’s all I got for you. I did how ever have an appreciation for how the story was written and evolved in the last like fifteen pages, things where just like bam, bam, and bam. But I can’t help but wondering if its has a lot to do with little to nothing happing in that long beginning I was baited for something to happen. Let me know if you have any questions on what’ve said or if you have anything particular you’d like me to comment on that I haven’t already.

I've found that this seems to be the only plot for horror movies. But Jordan's script is actually better than some stuff that makes it to TV.

Wow, man oh man I think along with what Mr. Z said I sure got a lot to work with.  Thank you very much for the comments and suggestions, they will sure help a lot with a re-write.

When I first wrote this I was planning on doing a standard hack'n'slash because this was my first feature, I just wanted to see what I was able to do, now I think I will be able to take it up a notch or two.

Thanks again for your useful comments.  

Sorry this took so long. Finally i'm finished.


SPOILERS???.........YEP







A FEW THINGS:
-Stevie's last name is changed from Bond to Boyer "Pg 28" then back to Bond.
-Sometimes it feels as if Frankie acts a lot younger than his actual age then sometimes it's the opposite.
-So Many references to masturbating! This line was funny though " Aren't you tired of the old Jerk 'N Squirt" LMAO.
-Also I liked that she called it "sexing" Lol. It made her seem like more of an old lady. She's SO NOSY!
-Killer's mask is freaky! Have you seen a movie called "Blackout"?
-Popcorn is one word eh?


Immeadiately I liked the characters. At least the focused ones (Christine, Frankie, Stevie, Jacob). They were cool and worked well together.
Most of Frankie's dialogue I think sounded weird. Maybe that's just how he talks. Though nothing much happened at one point "horror-wise" I didn't mind because i was into the characters...good job on that. The killer didn't seem very menacing to me though. He seemed like a rookie like he didn't know what he was doing. which he probably didn't considering the ending. Speaking of...our endings(Whispers and 8 x 10) are almost the same with minor differences. Anyways This was a cool read but It seemed really short as nothing really happens till the very end. I look forward to reading more of your scripts. Hope this helps


-Shawn

Thanks for the read Shawn.

I know that there really isn't much horror in the first two acts.  I kinda didn't want a kill till near the end of the second act.

The killer was a rookie.  He had never done this before.  This was supposed to be a one time deal.

I did see some similarities with 8x10 at the end, I kinda got a chuckle outta that.

thanks again for the read.

Hey theboywhocouldfly,

SPOILERS!

I plan to finish this read, all I ask is some time to do so. I've read to pg. 11 and my thoughts are its very conventional with a chuckle. The chuckle being the wad of tissue near the boy implying the act he did. It's conventional because the story is portrayed as a ghoststory with all the creepy sounds such as the wind howling and animals howling.

Other stuff I found to be a problem:

the chirp, hoot, howl and rustle, are too many sounds in one sentence. Also, thinking about it now, isn't the chirping sounds more close to the morning as oppose to the night. the sound of crickets, probably but chirping-I'm unsure of.

Mr. Myers should be mentioned first as opposed simply as dad. You can make a reference that he will be known as dad after identifying him as Mr. Myers.

More critique will come. Sorry for the length of this review.

Gabe

This story was pretty entertaining, but it feels really cliché. If you could include some kind of new twist it would be a helluva lot better.

SPOILERS--------------------------------------------

Notes as I read:

I think it should be Mr. Myers or Dad. Pick one.

Frankie comes off sounding smart for his age. On page three how about just, “I’m her little brother, it’s my job.” But maybe that was your intention, your choice.

The detail you have in your descriptions is written excellently, good job.

Mrs. Bergman’s monologues are pretty funny, but I’d say that’d you could condense a great deal of it though.

Mrs. Bergman is hilariously funny, but make sure not to go a little too over the top with her, ya know?

Your descriptions like said are good, but sometimes it feels really unnecessary to know that the birds are chirping outside, might want to lay off of it a little bit.

“More pussy than a toilet seat.” hahahaha!

The story hasn’t really begun nearly thirty pages in and I can’t really see a clear catalyst, or inciting incident. You can definitely shorten the beginning. A lot of unnecessary dialogue or scenes can be cut so you can move to the actual story quicker.

Eww! That was a pretty nasty scene in the restroom with the zit. Loved how detailed you got with it.

I didn’t really like Jacob’s death scene. A little too cliché when he trips over the rock.

When the hand reaches out from under the bed and grabs Frankie’s ankle, I think that might be a little too reminiscent of the Sixth Sense.

Stevie’s speech on page 78 is a little too long. I’d write a line of action to split it up.

Great tension build up with the stranger and the group trapped. Excellent job on that and really creative how you had the knife through the leg and into the head.

Andrew’s name isn’t capped in the beginning.

Overall:
The ending was a real let down for me. Helen’s sub-plot with Andrew came out of no where and it ended a little suddenly. I’m also a little skeptical about Frankie and Christine’s mother intervening in the end. It’s seems a little corny. If I were you I’d try to work in Helen and Andrew a little more. The story you have so far is awfully cliché and I’m not sure what you can do about it. Everything in it has been shown before and nothing new was really done.

The story was a really entertaining read however, so good job on that.

Good Luck.