False Road, The by Mike Jones - Thriller - Two young women are targeted by a serial killer while hiking together in the remote countryside of England's Lake District.  When one of them is abducted the other is left alone and vulnerable.  She teams with a mysterious stranger who has his own personal interest in the killer. 65 pages - doc, format

This is the first script I ever wrote, four years ago.  I've since given it a complete overhaul.  Although I think it's much better now, a fresh perspective would be helpful.

This was intended as a character driven piece.  I was going for something moody and atmospheric with not so much of a reliance on the blood and gore elements.  That being said, one thing I was trying desperately to avoid was the 'artificial slow buildup' where nothing much happens just for the sake of creating a slow build in the story.

Quoted from mgj That being said, one thing I was trying desperately to avoid was the 'artificial slow buildup' where nothing much happens just for the sake of creating a slow build in the story.

If it's a thriller, you need the slow build-up; it's a staple of the genre. If the story is good enough to produce, I can guarantee a director will insert that slow build whether you've written it or not.

MGJ,

Managed to get to this rigth away since I can't sleep, so here's some feedback.

You have A YOUNG WOMAN or TWO YOUNG WOMEN followed by a description.  No need to put them in front like that.  Better to just put it in the description right off, and lose the caps.  Also, with the two young women, since you're naming them soon after, just put Two young women, JULIE and LAURA, both 22, blah blah blah, then describe then in the next paragraph.

"This is the setting that has inspired poets and dreamers for centuries."  I don't think you need this line since it can't be filmed, and your initial description was good enough.

Julie, ever the performer,  Can't be filmed, and since we're just meeting these girls, a viewer would never know that about them.  Same thing applies to the "would be divas" line just before.

You've got some camera directions in here, such as the Stranger's POV, that shouldn't be here.

Julie falls asleep awfully fast.

Reading through the dialogue, you gave a lot of parentheticals/acting directions.  You're better off using this as little as possible.

The flashback scene seems kind of unnecessary to me.

Ok, I got to the end, and there are a couple of things that seem odd to me.  First, Steve being blasted away with the shotgun.  Was this Steve's shotgun, or did Dr. Ellis have i tin his car?  Either way i tdoesn't seem like an appropriate murder weapon.  Maybe have some ay for Steve and Dr. Ellis to struggle, and Steve falls off the bridge.

Second, Julie being buried on a country road.  If the cops found her body and all that, i doubt this would take place.  It would be more likely for her to be sent back to Canada, or at least be buried in a cemetery.

Overall, I thought the story was pretty good, but I think it would play better on film than it reads here, mostly because it's in a shooting script type format which I already mentioned in the camera angle and things that can't be filmed comments.

As far as not having any kind of suspense buildup, I think you failed there, because there was a buildup in trying to figure out who the killer is and what exactly is going on despite your lack of trying.  This isn't a bad thing of course, since I think any good thriller needs to have some suspense in it, and I'm guessing that if the filmmaker who has contacted you about this does end up filming it, she'll do the same thing.

Overall, a pretty good job, but if end up doing a rewrite on this, remember to take out the camera angles and stuff.

Thanks Mike.  

In terms of some of the formatting issues, I've already fixed most of the ones you've mentioned.  This is actually an older script of mine that I wrote a while ago, back when I was still figuring alot of this stuff out.  Thanks for pointing them out though.  I should probably go back and further examine this.

As for the slow build - I should probably clarify.  I'm not against it per se I was just hoping to avoid making it seem artificial or contrived.  I wanted to keep the story moving and not feel like I was stalling for time.

As far as the Steve being killed with the shotgun thing - it was definitely meant to be the doctors' gun.  As you'll recall he had it on him back at the abandoned house.  This was sort of a vigilante thing for him so murdering Steve in this way seemed appropriate to me, even if it was a little over the top.  

And finally in regards to Julie being buried by the side of the road, it was just meant to be a memorial erected for her and not her burial place.  You're right - her body would be flown back to Canada.  Now that I think about it though, I can see where your confusion came from.

Ok, I was pretty much convinced that the gun belonged to the doctor, but I must have forgotten about him having it at the abandoned house.

It makes sense for him to be vigilant, but I just wondered about how it didn't seem to come into any of the questioning, not too much anyway.  It was like we have all these dead girls, and we've found the killer who did it, who's also dead now, and then the gas station attendant didn't fit into the profile of the other victims, but they assumed the killer did it anyway.  Then they get to Steve, and Laura doesn't know anything about it, and that's that.

This place strikes me as a relatively small town, and based on Dr. Ellis' actions, he would probably draw more suspicion.

Did you get back in contact with the producer on this?  Dogglebe left you some comments in your advice thread as well, just in case you haven't seen them.

Okay, now I know what you mean about the whole doctor/shotgun thing.  

You're right - logic concludes that the doctor would be a prime suspect in Steve's murder and I probably should have at least made some mention of this.  However since there's nothing linking the doctor to the murder he's just a suspect at this point and the case remains unsolved.  

I tried to tie everything up as best I could but I guess a few things were left hanging.  You've motivated me now to go back and take a second look.  

BTW, in answer to your question - no I haven't got in touch yet with the producer.  I just got off work but that's next on my list of things to do.  I noticed my advice thread is gone now but I'll try to keep you updated on what happens.

Hey mgj, I've read up to pg. 34 and I enjoy it. I would finish my review later on. But this is what I've noticed so far.  

Positive qualities:
-It flows so much as a story within a book, which I really like. Just be aware that everything has to be visual.  Concentrate more on what a person hears or sees rather than their emotional or thought aspect of it.
- It has great character development and story creepiness.


Negative Qualities:
-You have too much direction for the actors. You should reduce these.
-You got camera angles as well. That's the director's job. In my script, I'm taking them out in my third draft. It's better to take them down and simply describe them as "She sees" rather than "HER POV".  

Thanks so far thewhitecrimsonbrothers.  I think you're pretty spot on from what I suspected.  Actually I had many more camera angles in my original draft than I do now.  

As a writer I've always tired to get under the skin of the characters I write and in the process do probably go a little overboard with the emotional aspect of it and less so with the visual.  My feelings on this has always been that as long as the story has flow then I could probably get away with it to some extent but your point is well taken.

I'm glad you found the creepiness factor coming through.  Actually this is what I've been most concerned about.  I was going for something moody and atmospheric as opposed to in-your-face violence and gore.  This is more subtle obviously and harder, I think, to translate on screen but I hope it'll come through.  

I hope you enjoy the rest of it.  Hang on though.  It does get a little bloody towards the end.

Thanks again.

Back again, mgj. Part 2

SPOILERS!

Pg. 38. I think that struggling should go for a little longer. The part where he says: You think any one can hear you!, won't make Laurie stop, but rather force her more to fight for her life. That's how I saw it as.

You need to correct EST. to EXT. You do these a lot.

pg. 51 I'm unsure of the structure you settled with for the various people speaking. I think it's incorrect.

pg. 56 fix the waitress part; describe it as action rather than a dialgoue.

pg. 58 I liked your transition into the flashback. Yet I'm not perfect with some formating myself, but it should follow the lines of
Int. House- Day - Flashback; this is only an example. Then to come back, simply put present day or follow the format and take off flashback and add present day.

Dont capitalize the whole sentence, just the noun such as stranger or car.

You have great imagery in this work.

You got be more specific when you reference a SOUND. Do it quickly rather than later on.
  
Overall, I really enjoyed this script. Eventhough it does not follow script formating rules, the story was terrific. That's what I see as important for the script.  I never felt astray, not one bit. Great piece of work here mgj. The movie if done correctly might turn terrific as the story. I wish you success production. And I'm willing to read any work of yours.

Gabriel

Thanks thewhitecrimsonbrothers.  Your review was helpful.  

In regards to some of the formating issues - EST is supposed to stand for establishing.  This apparently isn't used too often and has confused some so I'll just fix those and stop using it from now on.

As for Laura struggling with the doctor back at the house - that's giving me something to consider.  Maybe I'll include it to have her hit him with a frying pan or something.

I'm glad you enjoyed it as a story.  That's most important to me.  The formating part is easy to fix.  All my scripts are listed in my signature.  I'd be interested to hear what you think of them and, of course, I'd be happy to return the favor.

I apologize for the format I posted the Part 2 reviews on; I was writing it as I was reading it last night and accidentally posted as is. But I believe if you take out some of the personal action directionals within the parenthesis, camera angles, and some of the descriptions that can't be filmed, you would have more room to add to the story if need be.

I knew about the EST but was unaware of it being used, I believe, inside a house. I think INt. or Ext. is better. But to each his own.

The idea of hitting sombody is great - especially in that scene when he says those lines. A little comedy goes a long way.

Tell me how the film comes out. And much success to you. I'm thinking of reading Dust and a Deal with the Devil, sounds interesting.

Gabriel

I'll be sure to post an update on filming when it becomes available.  It's a slow process obviously so I'm not expecting anything anytime soon.  Last I heard they were still in the process of casting.

I definitely see your point about the humor.  It is a pretty sombre story overall and would probably benefit from an infusion of humor to counterbalance some of its weightier themes.  I went for a little dry British wit when I wrote it but since it's going to be filmed in Tennessee, some of that subtelty might not translate too well.  I think I'll go back and examine this further.  

Dust and a Deal with the Devil was part of the one week exercise.  It has it flaws and its moments too.  Tell me what you think.

You where kind enough to read my script so I thought I would return the favor and read another one of your works.

This is nicely written. The action is brisk yet very visual, making it easy to visualize this script as a movie. The dialouge is good and flows like natural speech.

The idea of two young backing packing women being stalked by a shadowy stranger is creepy and a common base fear. Easy to identitify with it.

But toward the middle of the story when the stranger wants to speak to Laura but can't say why was an obvious plot device to create suspense.

I noticed in the messages above that you have a producer attached to this script. I am not surprised as with the simplicity of your script this would be a great small budget story for a starting out producer or director to cut their teeth on.

With all the scripts you have posted here you have written in many diffrent genres and styles. Which was the script you enjoyed writing the most and which genre do you feel most comfortable with?  

Thanks Tonka.  Obviously I'm very grateful for all your interest and feedback.  If you have any other scripts coming out, of course, I'll be sure to give them a look.

The point about the plot device with the stranger witholding information was something I didn't consider.  Actually what's always felt contrived to me was the scene before that where Laura discovers from her conversation with the cook back at the cafe that a serial killer is on the loose.  I struggled endlessly with this scene but since no one as of yet has brought it up, maybe it's just me.  If I could get one more piece of feedback from you it would be on that scene.  Did it ring true to you or do you even remember it at all as feeling awkward or contrived?

I'm really not sure what my favorite genre is.  About the only genre that really intimidates me would be a straight up comedy.  I think if there was a common thread linking all my writing its that they're all emotionally centred with the main characters.  They don't tend to be very broad in scope, involving only a few main characters.  I prefer simple stories, ones that are self-contained and read like a chapter from a book.  That might explain why the battle scenes in Rodent Brigade felt a little limp.  Epic just doesn't seem to be my thing.  

Rodent Brigade was the easiest and quickest for me to write.  The False Road was a little more challenging but probably the most satisfying as well.  I have another animated script coming out soon but right now I think I'd like to tackle something edgier.

An amateur filmmaker does have plans to film it.  Last I heard she was in the process of casting but any info has been slow coming and I'm quickly discovering that as writers we tend be left largely out of the loop.  Actually I just got an e-mail from another filmmaker asking to take a look at this same script.  If there's a moral here for all of us maybe it's that we should focus on writing simple, low-budget human interest stories.  That seems to be what gets produced.